ALoren
recently joined
Reged: 10/23/12
Posts: 13
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Seperated currently.
Living in two different homes.
Sharing the kids. Joint-Legal Custody filed. Both parties flexible, willing, mutually agreeable to develop a shared parenting plan based on Dad's work schedule.
During seperation, and while in two different homes, Dad willing to give Mom X amount of dollars towards living expenses...food, oil, cable, electric.
No restrictions for either of us (yet) , self-imposed or otherwise on being in the others house. We are just trying to avoid contact with other family members. This is all ok with me...exception being I want to throw up everytime I am there since I am entirely afraid this two house arrangement is not going to work AND that she is merely being nice to placate. I know that nobody can make guarentees'''the waiting is just killing me.
Still on shared bank account. No real problem with this arrangement. Putting heads together to be thrifty and cost concious.
Sharing vehicles currently based on who has the kids. We simply dont care who has what...just trying to make it easy on whoever has the kids. No probs with gas in vehicles either.
We already are comfy with spliting the holidays. Doesnt seem to be any problem. We are both comfy switching...ie nobody is saying "no" or desiring exclusive time during the holidays...I think this is kinda easy since in todays society, a one day holiday usually lasts two days anyway!
Doing all the financials in order at the jointly owned home. Dad has no intent of missing payments...not gonna be easy to support two houses (she is living rent free at a home owned by her Dad, on his land).
We generally agree we owe more on the jointly owned home than worth. Overall, no rush to sell the house...IF AT ALL.
The only "grief"...besides the emotional roller coaster right now is the waiting and my 401(k). I understand the legal priciple behind her getting half...but this is really the only thing I see being an issue...and of course, there is no issue, she is getting half and that's it. 
This said, am I being too naive in thinking this is not a contentious divorce? I still want to have a friendly relationship with her after for reason of self and the kids...but the state of limbo we are in is driving me nuts.
I guess I am asking for a little perspective. I personally don't see how and why people disagree on so much...but then again, I am just the stupid new guy!!!
Re: Jointly owned home. I am just having a tough time believing she is not going to try and "alimony and CS me out" in order to oblige me to sell, but time will tell.
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annieo
veteran
Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1413
Loc: Pacific Northwest
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Why don't you go ahead a get all of this in writing (legal form) and you both sign off on it and file it and be "done" with it so you are not waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Some divorces are amicable and if both parents act like adults and truly are only interested in the best interest of the child it can work out.
There is a saying that maybe you should think about and goes something like "Worry is interest paid on trouble that hasn't happened yet"
Good Luck!
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ALoren
recently joined
Reged: 10/23/12
Posts: 13
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Thanks for your response and advice. I agree with what you are saying for sure...getting it in writing etc...The problem for now anyway, is that no "official" exchanges have taken place between attorneys and until this does, my insides are being ripped apart. I do appreciate what you said about not worrying...but it's only human I suppose. to do so
I end up feeling comfortable that my Wife is agreeable to various things when we discuss and then worry that there is a "cover up" which will only show itself during real negotioations.
My fear is that her niceness is only a front to placate until things proceed. But as you know, there are no guarantees in Life and I can't reasonably expect her to guarentee her posture during this process. I just have to learn a little better to relish the "good" moments during this process and ultimately be thankful it isn't worse. Thanks again and I am listening, just human. 
Edited by ALoren (11/03/12 07:54 AM)
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
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Here is something to keep in mind....It is the lawyers that make amicable divorces difficult. See if you agree on everything they don't make much money. They WANT you at odds, but no it doesn't have to be that way.
My x and and I, like you agreed on pretty much everything. Then his attorney started telling him "She's going to do this and she's going to do that" trying to plant little bugs in his ear. We had nothing of real value other than out home but his attorney insisted we needed a personal property appraiser to come in because he was getting ripped off. (Turns out he wasn't.) He, or rather his parents spent 3x on his attorney than I did. Mine kept saying "The more you can agree and the more decisions you can make on your own the cheaper this will be". My x couldn't get that and used his attorney as a very very expensive personal counselor.
Talk to your stbx ahead of time. Assure her that you are not going back on the things you've agreed to and would rather you both keep your money rather than give it to lawyers.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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ALoren
recently joined
Reged: 10/23/12
Posts: 13
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Quote:
Here is something to keep in mind....It is the lawyers that make amicable divorces difficult. See if you agree on everything they don't make much money. They WANT you at odds, but no it doesn't have to be that way.
My x and and I, like you agreed on pretty much everything. Then his attorney started telling him "She's going to do this and she's going to do that" trying to plant little bugs in his ear. We had nothing of real value other than out home but his attorney insisted we needed a personal property appraiser to come in because he was getting ripped off. (Turns out he wasn't.) He, or rather his parents spent 3x on his attorney than I did. Mine kept saying "The more you can agree and the more decisions you can make on your own the cheaper this will be". My x couldn't get that and used his attorney as a very very expensive personal counselor.
Talk to your stbx ahead of time. Assure her that you are not going back on the things you've agreed to and would rather you both keep your money rather than give it to lawyers.
Debi...thanks for your response. First, I don't want to paint a picture of my divorce as being rosey...we have our disagreements for sure...and unfortuneately, just when you think you know your spouse, well...but ever the optimist and the kind of person who thinks, "she knows everything about our finanical situation and there are no secrets" I think this could be done decently.
Keep in mind...my Wife either agrees with the things I have offered/proposed which is great OR...she is playing "the game". The big thing that gives me great trepidation is she frequently says, "let her talk to her lawyer" which is exactly what you are saying is a very bad thing...I couldn't agree more. Overall, my Wife and I (I think) disagree only on the fact that we even need lawyers!!!
On a good note, my Lawyer seems to be very clear about not wanting to drag things out and turn the proceeding into a three ring circus. This is good with me. One of the big fears is to have her lead around by her attorney.
Overall, I don't disagree with the ball-park numbers and issues ahead, in fact I want to get things started so we can get this new way of life on track. I am "offering" or willing to be responsible for what is required of me...her reliance on her attorney is what is scaring me.
The main issue that I contest here is that we need someone else telling us (her more than me) that various things are "needed". I believe we are in the drivers seat and am scared by the fact she is going to allow herself to let her attorney mire us all down in a drag down when one isn't necessary.
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1234km
addict
Reged: 05/04/08
Posts: 427
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Hmmmm....maybe this is a stupid suggestion or maybe it is a brilliant one, but maybe you should send her to this forum/thread and let her see your post and everyone else's responses. I don't think you have said anything that you wouldn't want her to see. Maybe she will see how genuine you are being and the responses you got.
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