bigboofus
recently joined
Reged: 02/13/13
Posts: 1
Loc: GA
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Hi. My first post in this forum. I have been divorced since Sept. 2012 and now I feel really lost. All I ever wanted was to be a husband and father and now that's gone. I have a really hard time living for myself. I feel selfish. I have nobody to take care of except me, it's only about what I want and need. I make a good living and my kids are almost grown. My ex, who I thought would be "the ex from Hell," actually has become sane and reasonable since it's over now. She was the one who wanted out. I never would have left her. I was in it "as long as you both shall live."
She thought she would shout divorce and come out with most of what we owned + 10 years alimony and child support. As it turned out she got guideline child support and nothing else. She won't let me help her or my daughters because she says she did this and she (and they) have to get used to doing without. I kept the debt except for her car and credit card. These are minor details. The basic deal is she didn't cheat and I didn't cheat, she just lost her mind and thought the grass would be greener on the other side. Usually if the grass is greener over there, you're not taking care of the grass on your side. That was the long and short of it. She was verbally abusive and cut me off from my family and friends over our 20 year marriage. In the end, I had not spoken to my Mom or my brother for the last 2 years of our marriage, because they didn't want to deal with her. She managed our money and would raise Hell if I spent more than $30 a week. It was tough but I stuck by her without any thought of leaving ever.
Anyway, this was not my idea. Now I'm stuck with no reason to be here. I have things I do, but they are all about me. I can't live like this. I can't see dating again. Not sure that anybody I'd want would want me and I also wouldn't want to mess up anybody else's life with my current purposeless status.
Just thought I'd voice this. Don't know how to fix it.
Boofus
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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You are just coming out of a divorce so it does take time.
Have you considered counseling to help you through this? Support groups? Taking up a new hobby? How about reconnecting with your family that you lost touch with for two years? Find those friends...
Keep busy...even if it is taking walks, doing puzzles, volunteering...time does heal the pain...but it takes work and an I can do it attitude....the purposeless feeling could be depression and if so it may get worse...
you begin by taking baby steps and doing things to move you forward
good luck
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c_jane
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/06/07
Posts: 1759
Loc: In the Great State of Texas
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Pleasea don't feel like this. You are worthy. What are your interests? FORCE yourself to take just ONE class for fun at the community college. Something you always wanted to learn more about. Or some public libraries offer classes for free too. Tackle a new project. Learn a new language. Take ballroom dancing (or some other kind). Look into a cooking class or wine-tasting.
You have to FORCE yourself to take the first step. Which is NOT sitting at home alone and 'moping' over 'what might have been'. Your kids are grown, and would be grown regardless if you and your Ex- would have stayed together. What were your plans with your Ex-? Travel? Renovating your house? You can do those things without her. Volunteer to be a 'greeter' at Walmart. Volunteer at a zoo or museum.
There are lots of things you can do to meet people. Friends are great. They will fill the void in your life. Reconnect with your family.
YOU have to take the first step and DECIDE to change your life. Remember: Today is the first day of the rest of your life. What do you want to do with it?
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John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm.... He's not planning anything.
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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You do have a purpose in life. It is to work on healing yourself and recovering and to be the best father you can be to your kids. 20 years is a long term marriage and it takes however long it takes to get over and recover. The suggestions above are all excellant. 10, almost 11 years ago now, my ex h left me. My story is in one of the threads above so won't repeat. Just wanted to let you know I was where you are and I know what you are going thru. The difference is I had my siblings and in law sibs to help me. None lived close enough to see each other but they called and I called them. Reconnect with your family and agree to let bygones be bygones and that they stay in the past and start anew.
The suggestions above are good ones. My mistake was not working hard to fill the void with friends (lost most in the divorce as they were mostly his friends to begin with) and activities. Counseling is a real good idea. I found this place and it was a godsend for me. It was a very active place then and helped me ever so much and I am eternally grateful to those gals and guys who encouraged me, gave me a bit of a kick when I deserved it, and let me know the future could be brighter and it is certainly that now. I will always miss a bit of my ex but it has dulled a lot and changed to the way I would miss a friend. 30 plus years together still counts for something. in my opinion. we have no connect per his choice and I can live with that.
Do not dwell on not having a purpose, you do, it has just changed focus and it is time to concentrate on you now. Loneliness is a horrible emotion and please find a way to be around other people. Keep checking back in here. I am trying to be here more because I certainly want to pay back the great support I received here.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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