JohnBaxter
recently joined
Reged: 02/25/13
Posts: 8
|
|
I think I rather deal with my wife than that registration page :-) (note to dev: contact me for a better way to do that) LOL
Ok, serious note.
I am out of ideas. I'll try to make this short, as I am used to long detailed writings.
Short version:
Married what they call a "gold-digger/con woman" - proof of that is to long to post here, but will answer any questions.
Now broke, credit damaged (I accept this as my responsibility, however as anyone who has been in a similar situation - women included, knows that sometimes to smooth things out, its better to give in, no matter what the cost), and countless other financial issues. In a nut shell, the woman I married 10yrs ago has done a 180, from working full time to now the proverbial "couch potato" (only she spends every free time she has in the bathroom literally 5-8hrs at a time, only coming out to see if i can get her smokes and other non essentials). So no cooking, no cleaning - except on occasion the bathroom, bedroom and kitchen.
Over the last few years, she has undergone two different doctors(due to depression of loss of two family members the same year) with the one from 5yrs ago prescribing here ADDERALL. At first, I didn't think anything of it, then came the picking at her face til it bled, this has sort of passed, but I cannot help to think she is abusing the adderall. I cannot call the doctor(s) as there is a patient privacy thing - BS! if you ask me.
I work in the complex I live at. Very close to all the clients. Moving out is not an option for me. and she scoffs at any idea of a divorce. I cannot handle this, and at the same time, the cost for a divorce, even a non-contested one (even though I think she will), is very expensive.
I feel trapped and abused. I have recordings of her out breaks, and im no angel by any stretch, so you can imagine our battles - I am not gonna sugar coat it. But even in the heat of a battle , I still do not cuss, but I can be an ass.
I pay for everything for her - including non-essentials - and this is on top of us being below poverty (I went from 2k/week to 6k/yr). Things as full rent, utilities, internet, her cellphone, mine is free as a gift fro a friend including service, i buy her meds, her smokes, junk food, high dollar coffee and name brand all kinds of food. I know what your thinking - "WHY?" - unless your in my position, you will not understand the heat that goes on if any of these things fail. I used to fight it, but grew tired of the arguments and battles daily sometimes more than once a day - "....ooo you fee like a big man because you will not buy my cigarettes" ".. o tough guy stopping me from getting my coffee" and the retorts are endless, and yet, we no longer share same views on politics, religion, do not watch the same movies or like the same food, not even one on one time for maybe a card game or something we both can do.. and intimacy has dropped to less than 8-10 times a year - with her still threatening "that's all you think about". So no, for 7yrs she has had no income to speak of. When she does - its huge, she blows it all on junk, smokes, coffee etc... (she even got an inheritance that started a war of 60k cash and it was gone in a year. she would not even pay for the cars to prevent a repo (12k was all that was owed on both). And everything we did get, including two new cars, we had to sell, money with her is horror.
I don't know what to do. Financially I cant pull myself out any time I want, but I refuse as I know that when the cash comes in, she is a s pretty as a butterfly and very obvious about it. But my character will just cave in to her, as it is my responsibility as a husband to make sure she has what she needs and sometimes wants. So when she asks (always nicely too ) I cannot stop my self from saying "no". not because I don't want to, its because if i do, I have to suffer the bickering and headache.
I find my self not liking her, and wish she would leave. I told her so, but she has no where to go - and always repeats "... i am never gonna leave you" (i suppose i wouldn't either if i could get what i wanted all the time without having to do a thing). and I have no reason to leave as for my self, i can live on $10 / month, I have a want for nothing not to mention - I work in the building.
What would you do?
How would you do it.?
how would you handle the doctor issues?
she follows no rules - finacially, work ethics, or rules of the building that could get us evicted. she has ZERO responsibility.
How would you handle her all day in the bathroom only coming out to get something from me.
I didn't even mention all the affairs she's had in the beginning, and drinking (stuff that was hidden from me until later - there is a serious reason i did not dump her in the beginning. I'll address that later - but its legit) and now she's all over some new male tenants again that moved in, as most of the regulars here know she is a little off. Basically anyone that has money, she is real lovey-dovey. i've seen it in action and she doesnt hide it these days. She wants money.
Her attitude is - ".. men take care of everyting i dont have to"
Well I rambled on longer than I wanted. Hopefully someone grabbed some coffee and read through this.
sorry.. hard to surmise 10yrs in a few paragraphs..
|
BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3049
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
|
|
Adderall is amphetamines.....methamphetamine to be exact. If she's taking that and then acting like a meth addict???? May I suggest that she may not have a medical condition that Adderall will help with, like ADD or ADHD. Prescribing that for depression is an inappropriate use of that medicine.
What is she doing for 5-8 hours in the bathroom every day? You might want to make sure she's not turning her Adderall into something that someone would want to buy on the street. Or selling it directly.
At some point, you'll have to say no to stop the antics. However, in addition, she's not done anything meaningful for work the last seven years. Meet with an attorney if you can find one that offers a free consult and find out what your options are. She's endangering the place you LIVE in for goodness sake. Do you want to be out on the street also?
You're enabling her actions by doing nothing.
|
JohnBaxter
recently joined
Reged: 02/25/13
Posts: 8
|
|
I thought about that.. however, it is much deeper than what is written.
I'll address the adderall part. I am well versed in that drug. For one it can be used to treat ADHD (as she is imo mis-diagnosed) but only for temporarily measures, after which they are to be change to a different med and start with counseling. never happens. nor does the doctor consult with me on her behavior.
My experience with her, for the last 8 yrs especially, is that she may have aspergers - as her symptoms and behaviours reflect that almost to a "T". ADHD has always been mis-diag'd for Aspergers. However with that BS lock of patient privacy, I cannot get in to see her (state) doctor. Atop of that when I take her there, she insist that she can go alone (its only 15min anyways - its one of those swinging door doctors "howya doing - great? here is your drug" NEXT! So as a result he is making is choices based on her answers alone. Game over.
Selling for drugs/money? not likely - she just as soon sleep with the neighbor for the cash and borrow the drug - Adderall has a severe addictive nature, as to whether she is abusing it? Most likely, however, i cannot barge in the bathroom for any reason - just not right. I called my mom one day (yes even at 48 i still seek advice from good ole mom) she said she may be experiencing menopause and the bathroom is the only place she can get privacy. any women wanna take a stab at that?
I knew of her "bad" character 6mos. into the relationship. breaking up with her at that time was not appropriate - her mom died, so did not feel right dumping her at that time, so i waited. Then just as she was pulling out of grieving (6mo-yr?? to long for me) her sibling was murdered (another 1yrish - 2yrs grieving period they were very close) thus the first half of 3-5yrs of no work. but even after she came out of that, she never sought work. she had it made here. - so i inadvertently got stuck with her. She has had this nature for a long time, I think the adderall just amplifies it.
I am not saying i was not guilty..I could have divorced after those years, i could have so no to all her request etc.. etc.. but you would have to be a victim of a con (man or woman) to understand why it is not that easy. but I made a promise when i married "better or for worse" and i meant it - and this is the worse. When is it ok for you to break your vows? That is the real question. To me, a promise is a promise - while she does not hold true to it, I will.
So where am I messing up at?
|
BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3049
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
|
|
Being a post menopausal woman **just slightly older than yourself** I can promise you that I did NOT spend that amount of time in the bathroom. I had two kids still at home when I really started going through it -- they'd back me up on that one.
Grieving for a parent doesn't stop -- I lost my mother not quite 9 years ago -- but it didn't PARALYZE me. Life goes on, the mortgage still needs to be paid.....you get the picture. You enabled her to just wallow.....mistake number 1.
Mistake number 2 -- attempting to label what may simply be **bad behavior** she's found a method to get her way from you and she's going to continue with it until it stops working -- then she'll find something else that works.
I mentioned meth because a habit of crystal meth users pick their faces, sometimes causing horrible scarring. Adderall is part of that same drug spectrum.
Were you married when you discovered her **bad character**?? If not, why did you marry her? Because you felt sorry for her? Bad premise to base a marriage or any other relationship on.
And please, don't make assumptions about what may have happened in my life -- I've been victimized multiple times.
You started out on the **worse** part -- isn't it supposed to get **better** at some point? You need to have some regard for YOURSELF and the rest of you life -- get OUT of this mess that you're in.
|
JohnBaxter
recently joined
Reged: 02/25/13
Posts: 8
|
|
Quote:
Being a post menopausal woman **just slightly older than yourself** I can promise you that I did NOT spend that amount of time in the bathroom. I had two kids still at home when I really started going through it -- they'd back me up on that one.
I didn't think so either...And we do not have kids - she literally has no responisiblity and a fight ensues should i express her part in any - help with bills, do laundry, cook clean etc.. she likes to retort ".. im not your maid".. and I always reply, IM not your banker or choffier. etc.. ugly stupid childish fights these days
Quote:
Grieving for a parent doesn't stop -- I lost my mother not quite 9 years ago -- but it didn't PARALYZE me. Life goes on, the mortgage still needs to be paid.....you get the picture. You enabled her to just wallow.....mistake number 1.
It was thrown in my face a lot. when we fought( and they were vicious) i fired on her that no one grieves this long, and I even helped her - her other sister shares the same issue (they are twins - so its not just her with this greiviing issue - to this day they are both alike, cept her bf will never marry her - a decision I wish i made.
Quote:
Mistake number 2 -- attempting to label what may simply be **bad behavior** she's found a method to get her way from you and she's going to continue with it until it stops working -- then she'll find something else that works.
Agreed. and she will. I know what she is all about now.
Quote:
I mentioned meth because a habit of crystal meth users pick their faces, sometimes causing horrible scarring. Adderall is part of that same drug spectrum.
she does, used to be her upper lip and has moved to almost all of her eybrows - she says ppl ask if i am beating her - i think that question is for attention, as I do not see how that ca be asked given she has pick marks everywhere. but one of the reasons I started down this path to leave.
Quote:
Were you married when you discovered her **bad character**?? If not, why did you marry her? Because you felt sorry for her? Bad premise to base a marriage or any other relationship on.
yes. I spoke to several counselors and they stated that it is common for them to hide this - they are addicts (she claims to be a recovering one) and I was - lets say - well off, she was working, very nice - pretty and shared a lot of interest. LIke me she was well known in the community. AFter her mom died, she started to slip, then after the murder - it was a 180.
Quote:
And please, don't make assumptions about what may have happened in my life -- I've been victimized multiple times.
please quote where I stated this. If so, it was not intentional. But the same that can be asked of you. I am very successful in my life, both financially(cept for the time being and that is by choice) and emotionally. I didnt get that way because of stupid decissions, however when it comes to relationships, they are not as predictable as investments, work and hobbies. Even with all this crap going on, I carry on comfortably. I grew up learning you take the bad with the good. LIfe relationships are very particular, no two can be o governed with an easy button. People will make mistakes, I am from a small town and when my company moved me to a large city (over 3mil) I was not prepared for being suckered. Got blind sided so to speak. A big mistake on my part, and one that will not be repeated. but sometimes you have to fall down so you learn how to get up.
Quote:
You started out on the **worse** part -- isn't it supposed to get **better** at some point? You need to have some regard for YOURSELF and the rest of you life -- get OUT of this mess that you're in.
no she was wonderful at first - thus the marriage, but after that small tales started kicking in.
Thats why I am here. I dont know how to get out. Some solid things i will not budge on:
1. I work at the apt I live at. so not moving
2. All my friends are here as well as hers and they haven't a clue, cept maybe the few that live close down that hall that can hear us argue late at night.
I suppose fear keeps me from "pressing the button". Just tired of the fighting. It's an old cliche ".. I just want this to end"
outside of that.. im am lost. This is one marriage I do not want to repair.
Edited by JohnBaxter (02/26/13 05:06 PM)
|
BeachBabeRN
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/16/06
Posts: 3049
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
|
|
I took exception to your statement **you'd have to be a victim of a con man** to understand. Don't assume I haven't been and am suggesting things from that vantage point.
Don't worry about the mutual friends, that's the last thing that should be on the radar. You'll keep some, you'll lose some but the important thing is that you don't confide anything to anyone with the potential to tell her what you're saying or doing. No one needs that nonsense.
Exactly what drug is she supposed to be in recovery from?
Again, I grieve my mother every day but it's not paralyzing. I miss her every day and could still find something to talk about to her, was she still alive. However, that pain will NEVER END. You just find an easier more manageable way to deal with it. It was only this last holiday season that I didn't cry on Thanksgiving, missing my mom.....that was 8.5 YEARS that I cried. I didn't in 2012. Huge step for me. Acknowledge her grieving but don't permit her to use it as an excuse for anything.
At least you don't have children that you need to deal with either.....that makes things a ton easier, emotionally and provides one less **weapon** for her to use to twist you into knots.
If you don't want to repair the marriage then don't. File for divorce.....and get out of it.
|
JohnBaxter
recently joined
Reged: 02/25/13
Posts: 8
|
|
Quote:
I took exception to your statement **you'd have to be a victim of a con man** to understand. Don't assume I haven't been and am suggesting things from that vantage point.
Ahh, I see. That was more rhetorical statement and a directed. My apologies for the confusion
Quote:
Exactly what drug is she supposed to be in recovery from?
not sure on that one -kinda slipped that one in on me a couple years ago, she also went to AA for along time (after the marriage) then faded out of that as well - there is a sense of "fitting in" when she states it, as if it has a "pride" thing - weird.
Quote:
At least you don't have children that you need to deal with either.....that makes things a ton easier, emotionally and provides one less **weapon** for her to use to twist you into knots.
anxiety is worse :-)
Quote:
If you don't want to repair the marriage then don't. File for divorce.....and get out of it.
Workin on it,
There is one small detail, that makes this issue complex. She KNOWS she has a problem, And is constantly asking how she can make it better. But its like a point she wont go past. There has become an issue with in the last couple years of - "no one tells me what to do"mentality. Almost childish. I blame this on her TOO MUCH FREEDOM I allowed all these years. But at the same time, I am not her keeper, master or boss - it is up to her to answer for her responsibilities or lack of. She always has an out. Miss church? no prob i can go to a later one. OUt of coffee, smokes etc... no prob hubby will get it. need to go somewhere - no prob hubby can take me, and if he cant i ahve someone else - so forth and so forth...
Whenever we have fights, she is never mad long or at best the next morning its "hi honey" and many apologies and sometimes cries because she cant figure out why she gets like that.
So there is the "oil in the water" so to speak. She just hates admitting that its either her meds or her. Even when her family tells her the same thing - she is just stubborn.
maybe if she sees the papers it will make her go cold turkey. That she can see that this is serious.
But again there is no "easy button" - i used to tell my friends the same thing when I was doing fine. Now I understand why its a ***tch to do. When emotions are involved. Not easy.
|
Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2018
|
|
I did read your posts. First, I want to address that you said it was BS that a medical professional can't discuss your spouse's case with you or even consult with you.
It's not BS. And that law that you are complaining about also protects your information from being shared with anyone that you haven't given written permission to, including your spouse. Your stbx can always give her doctor written permission to discuss her case with you, but that is her choice.
Second, if you want out, then get out. But you will likely, unless you live in Texas, have to pay spousal support. And the length of time will increase the longer you are married. By dragging your feet, you are only hurting yourself more.
You also need to get her working. How do you do that? You can't. But you can make it uncomfortable for her. Here is what you do:
1. If you have a joint account, close it and put your money in a separate account.
2. Close all joint credit cards (if there are balances, it won't completely close until paid off, but you can stop new charges).
3. If she is an authorized user on any of your credit cards, remove her.
4. No buying her cigarettes. Or any other luxury item.
5. If she has a cell phone, stop paying for it. If it is a family plan, see if you can get it separated. If she wants a cell, she pays for it. Be sure to have a landline for her to use. You can block long distance calls on it.
6. You do all grocery shopping. And buy only the foods that you like and she doesn't.
7. Give her $20 a week for her to buy her personal items. You may want to up it a little for gas for the car so that she can drive to job interviews.
8. When you make dinner, make it for only yourself. Do not do her laundry, she's an adult, she can take care of her own. If she isn't already.
9. If her car and loan is in her name only, stop paying the car payment. Be sure to let her know so that she can make the payment.
10. Develop a back bone and don't give in to her when starts complaining about having no money. Your response is: Get a job and you will have some money. My money has to go to paying for necessities.
|
JohnBaxter
recently joined
Reged: 02/25/13
Posts: 8
|
|
Quote:
I did read your posts. First, I want to address that you said it was BS that a medical professional can't discuss your spouse's case with you or even consult with you.
It's not BS. And that law that you are complaining about also protects your information from being shared with anyone that you haven't given written permission to, including your spouse. Your stbx can always give her doctor written permission to discuss her case with you, but that is her choice.
Yes I am aware of the law, doesn't mean i have to accept it. she isn't in there for a broken arm. The doctor of mental patients cannot make an informed decision based on a mental patients input("o yes doctor, i am doing fine, husband is pleased with my progress as is my family!" - and the Dr. takes this at face value??). simple as that. There are many things the doc doesn't know about that could affect how he treats her if he knew of these things. breaking up pills, cutting(hidden) and countless other issues destructive. If he knew about these things, different procedures could be made, and I may not be in this mess in the first place. But that is hear-say. again - we're talking about a mental case - not a broken arm. Most importantly - its not 'ANYONE' its my wife. Some clarification needs to be made there.
Secondly, the law is flawed, as I can call in and yield this information, and it can be passed to the doctor. How is this flawed? The reason most patient decline contact with family and spouses, is to PREVENT THIS TYPE OF INFORMATION GETTING TO THE DR. in the first place. The wife does not authorize contact of the doctor with me without her consent, there for me passing info to him, is the same thing, just in reverse, but the end result is that the doctor is receiving info. She declines this communication JUST FOR THIS REASON! So is the nurse and/or the doctor in breech of the law because they now have information from the spouse, that which was denied by the patient?
Quote:
Second, if you want out, then get out. But you will likely, unless you live in Texas, have to pay spousal support. And the length of time will increase the longer you are married. By dragging your feet, you are only hurting yourself more.
You also need to get her working. How do you do that? You can't. But you can make it uncomfortable for her. Here is what you do:
1. If you have a joint account, close it and put your money in a separate account.
2. Close all joint credit cards (if there are balances, it won't completely close until paid off, but you can stop new charges).
3. If she is an authorized user on any of your credit cards, remove her.
4. No buying her cigarettes. Or any other luxury item.
5. If she has a cell phone, stop paying for it. If it is a family plan, see if you can get it separated. If she wants a cell, she pays for it. Be sure to have a landline for her to use. You can block long distance calls on it.
6. You do all grocery shopping. And buy only the foods that you like and she doesn't.
7. Give her $20 a week for her to buy her personal items. You may want to up it a little for gas for the car so that she can drive to job interviews.
8. When you make dinner, make it for only yourself. Do not do her laundry, she's an adult, she can take care of her own. If she isn't already.
9. If her car and loan is in her name only, stop paying the car payment. Be sure to let her know so that she can make the payment.
10. Develop a back bone and don't give in to her when starts complaining about having no money. Your response is: Get a job and you will have some money. My money has to go to paying for necessities.
OH wow!! thank you! While most of this is in effect as of last month, i cant begin to tell you the fights that have ensued. Suddenly, im abusive because I started these things. Im rude, Im mean, Im not kind, i need to stop treating her like a child, and the list is endless. Divorce papers have been started, not so much of her stupid antics, but simply because Im not dealing with it anymore.
So that is how I am dealing with it.
|
Goodmom
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/17/07
Posts: 2018
|
|
Quote:
Yes I am aware of the law, doesn't mean i have to accept it.
You really don't have a choice in the matter. Accept it or not, you aren't going to get any information from your STBX's doctor without her written permission. Doesn't matter that she is still your wife.
No, the doctor's office would not be in violation of the law if you gave them your side. They would be in violation if they actually gave you any information about their patient.
BTW, the doctor's office would probably take what you said with a grain of salt. Could have something to do with: there's her side (and she's their patient not you) and there's your side. And to be honest, given that they are in the mental health business, they are probably savvy enough to understand that you would only be giving them your perception and that that perception may not be accurate.
|
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
