keith123
recently joined
Reged: 03/02/13
Posts: 1
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i have been divorced by my wife's choice for almost one year(march21,2012. we were married for 26 yrs and to the best of my knowledge we were both faithful to each other. i came home on october 13. 2012 and she reported that she wanted a divorce. she stated that she did not want to go to counseling and she would pay for everything, which she did. i was in shock, but i realize no divorce happens with out some problem from both sides. the only thing i can think of is that she was very lonely. i officiate high school football and basketball, teach tai chi, counsel families who have adopted children who have been abused as well as dong part time security. so i was gone alot at night. she never accused me of cheating on her and i did not cheat.
so with that said, i am staying very active, i have good friends and am very spiritual. at this time i am not angry, i just don't know how to live my life with the joy i had before with my wife. i am not dating( have no desire} and i still feel that if she wanted to come back i would. my life seems empty, i feel like a ship afloat, but with no anchor. i am an only child and my mom died one month before my wife told me she wanted a divorce. i have two step-children. even after all this time i still cry, miss my wife and am trying to figure out my purpose in life and if i will ever feel whole again. thanks for letting me post and express myself.(i did write her a love letter but did not send it) any thoughts will be appreciated thanks keith
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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I was in a somewhat similar situation in June 2002 and after. My ex decided he no longer wanted to be married. That rocked my entire world off its center and for me, the first four years were very hard. we tried to settle debts and assets with a dissolution of our own for 20 months, got nowhere and I filed for divorce. It was finally final in July of 2005. Our marital home (paid for) finally sold in March of 2006. My ex did have a girlfriend and that made it harder. I can say that I still, but but very rarely, cry with missing what we had when it was good. The person I loved was gone long before he physically left though.
Staying active is a good thing, as is counseling. I had given up on most volunteer work when our son graduated from high school but did get involved in our my workplace (city hall) Relay for Life team for a few years. I did some counseling sessions and I went through the Divorce Care program at a local church. It is a 13 week session, once a week, with a different topic each week. Watch a video, discuss, and then can do a workbook lesson if want. Lots of open discussion. that helped me. I went once, then again a year later and picked up things I missed the first round. I highly recommend it.
I too said I would go back if he wanted to try again. After about 7 years I no longer felt that way. Not saying I was in that felt like I had been knocked down and a miserable emotional mess for 7 years, but by 7 years I had settled in a different house, started going to dinner with friends now and then and getting out in the world. I go out with friends from work once a month, and 3 gals that we all worked together as police, fire, ems and 9-1-1 dispatchers in the city I live in. I had no family here when ex left, other than our then 22 year old son and a 22 year old nephew. Company, yes, but they were young and often busy and I spent most of of my off work hours alone back then. Sisters and my sister in law called me often and they were god sends. Another was finding this site and this group. this group was much more active back then and I found a lot of advice type things to thing about and emotional support. I wish it was that active now. I still keep in touch with a few women from here. So many were my lifeline back then, on those holidays I spent alone and crying, I would get on here and find someone to talk to. The emotional support was tremendous.
Now I once again have my sister and here family living in my state again, and just a 5 minute drive from my house. I swore I would never be involved with anyone again and I held to that until fall of 2012, 10 years plus a few months after ex life I found myself attracted to someone and thought there were signs of the same from him, but neither of us acted on it. He was here a few times to do electrical work on my house and then for several weekends doing some remodeling stuff and we just started talking, laughing, enjoying each others company. He finally approached me and I stopped fighting my feelings and we are enjoying a nice laid back relationship with each other.
I often read here that it will happen when you least expect it and always thought that was so for others but never would be for me. I know this is along post but I wanted to give some history so you would know I had been where you are today and that although it took time, I did come to accept my new life and find joy in it, and then... romance too. I read once to figure about one year of recovery for each 5 -7 years of marriage. mine was 30 and it took me about 8 years.
You will feel whole again. Writing the letter is good, and sending it could be too. Just be prepared for the option that she may ignore it. time alone is the hardest so perhaps the more you can be active the better? I still find I do not like a silent house, there was always something going on at home growing up, tv, music, radio, the sounds of parents and 4 sibs plus various friends. the same when married, plus pets. Even when i was alone in the house, I had my dogs and still either the radio, tv or stereo was one. My last dog died a couple years before ex left and I said never again, hurts too much to have to have them put down. You know, same reasoning I would not care about anyone romantically. I still keep tv, stereo or radio on but no dog...yet. Hang in there, it can and will get better.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2004
Loc: MO Ozarks
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Keith, if nothing else your purpose in life is to live it. In time, you wll fee whole. In the meantime, you might want to carve out some "you time." I'm hazarding a guess that the lack of it was a prime factor in your wife's decision to divorce. I think it will be difficult to move ahead without some changes on your part.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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