lojac999
recently joined
Reged: 07/31/12
Posts: 13
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Ok. First, I need to say that my ex wife's MO so far has been to work herself into a frenzy over things and then get over it and it eventually goes away. But I'm getting very tired of dealing with her nonsense. To give a little back story, we got married when we were 18(she) and 19(myself). We are now 28 and 29 and just divorced this year so the marriage lasted just under 10 years. It was never a very good relationship. We were too young. She has been treated in a mental hospital and diagnosed with AT LEAST Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from things that happened in her childhood and things that she claims happened during our marriage.
I was not a particularly great husband, being young and somewhat immature. I was also in college for a good part of the time, so I wasn't the best at being financially stable. Now I have a great job, and all that's behind me. She is now in college and from what I understand, she does not have a steady income outside of my child support.
Also, she never worked much while we were married. She held a steady job at a bank for about a year and a half. For another two to three years she ran a personal business that never made any money, but did cost us out of pocket. Her mother is a heavily medicated Bi-Polar. So she's not a very stable individual, especially not emotionally stable.
We share joint custody, so the kids alternate weekends. They are both girls, aged 6 and 8. Every single time they come home from my house, she calls or texts with a laundry list of what I did wrong and how they were so extremely upset to be there. Keep in mind she is basing all of this on the word of a 6 and 9 year old. Now, I know that she's doing a couple of things here:
1) She's trying to make me mad and lure me into an argument.
2) She's trying to make herself feel better about herself by confronting me and telling me what a crappy dad I am.
3) In her own misguided way, she's trying to look out for the best interest of our daughters. That part I appreciate.
Now here's my issue:
She constantly complains about how upset the girls are at me. She tells me things "they said" that aren't true at all. Things that never happened. For example, two weeks ago they "told her" I got drunk with my best friend while they were at my house. Which never happened. I drank a beer with my dinner and then a couple more after they went to bed several hours later.
Finally today I told her some of the things they say to me about her house. And she, of course, told me that those things weren't true. I think it was an eye opening experience for her to see that they're not recalling the information exactly how it happened.
So now she tells me that I'm a terrible co-parent and all I do is put her down when we have to talk to each other. Which is also not true. I have saved all the texts and emails between us to prove that all I say is that I'm glad she's a good mother and I appreciate her concern for our children.
When I asked if she would like to meet (which has been more than once that I've asked) she refuses because she doesn't want to be in the same room with me. I suggested that we meet with the kids to talk to them together and find out why they're telling us things that aren't true. Again, she refused. Also she will not attend the girls functions and events if my family is going to be there. So she missed a track meet last week. The girls were very upset about it.
Questions:
1) How to I figure out why my kids are telling us things that aren't true?
2) How do I get her to see that she's the one who isn't willing to co-parent?
3) How do I get her to quit freaking out and taking everything they say as the gospel truth? Because when they tell me things about her, I try to take it all with a grain of salt. I try to understand that they are kids trying to make sense of a difficult situation.
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lojac999
recently joined
Reged: 07/31/12
Posts: 13
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Oh...also,
Over the last couple of years she's turned into a pretty much hard core, super angry feminist. Today she admitted to me that she has been teaching our daughters to be mean to men.
Edited by lojac999 (09/13/12 12:07 PM)
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annieo
veteran
Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1413
Loc: Pacific Northwest
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The only thing I have to offer is that your youngest is 6 and that alone could be why that child is not "seeing" things as they truly happened - the cognitive ability of a 6 year old can lead to inaccurate recollection.
Maybe some counseling to deal with what happens at mommy's and daddy's will be be different because they are different people and deal with issues different from one another.
If the two of you could talk to the children together that would be alright but if she is not willing then you can always talk to them on their level and reassure them that you both love them but your homes run differently and that is ok - not a bad thing. If they are outright lying you need to teach them about how misrepresenting the truth can be detrimental to mommy and daddy and that in life they will need to be honest.
They are most likely testing the boundaries and you need to set healthy boundaries sooner than later.
All you can really do without her assistance is be the best parent you can be and not let her behavior dictate yours.
Good Luck
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lojac999
recently joined
Reged: 07/31/12
Posts: 13
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Thanks for the reply.
Recently I've learned some things about how my ex operates that may be indicative of larger personal issues that she might be dealing with. When we first separated she had a mental break with reality and got arrested/jalied/institutionalized (court ordered) for a total of about a month.
So I have a very difficult time believing the things she tells me about the children. She is so vitriolic and filled with rage that I have simply gone "no-contact." I answer the phone calls and if it is not my children calling, I politely excuse myself from the conversation and get off the phone.
I refuse to be screamed at on a regular basis about things that are not even based in reality.
As far as the children are concerned, I simply do my best to reassure them that I love them and that I am always going to be there for them, and I make sure they are safe and that my home is a stable and happy environment.
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SRS
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/05/10
Posts: 2161
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Why didn't you have full custody with her having limited parenting time, if things were truly that bad?
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meganb
old hand
Reged: 10/29/05
Posts: 1180
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Alot of people have shared joint custody and things are truly that bad. It seems to me that he is trying to co-parent and she is just trying to stir the pot. It happens all the time.
You hear all the time where the kids tell one parent one thing and the other one something else....seems it just comes along with divorce...I think that the kids are still adjusting to the divorce and it sounds as though she is also.
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flustered_in_ca
recently joined
Reged: 09/03/12
Posts: 6
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It has been my experience that children experience things the way they do not because that's how it actually IS, but that's how it is to them. I can see a child of 6 or 9 years old perceive one beer at dinner as "getting drunk" because they don't really know what getting drunk is.I don't know your children, so I can't say for sure, but I would talk to them calmly and ask if your having a beer with dinner bothered them or somehow made them uncomfortable.If so,let them know that when something you do makes them uncomfortable that it is okay for them to come to you and talk about it. Explain that having one beer with dinner as an adult is not "getting drunk", and that if they do not feel okay with you having a beer with dinner that you won't do it any more. I know that when I got divorced my kids would tell me things about their time with dad and it's just what kids do. Your x sounds like she is not taking the divorce well.She is probably feeling overwhelmed and at a disadvantage financially. She see's you now being able to provide things for the girls that she is not and maybe feels a bit threatened.Your not going to be able to make her see her lack of willingness to coparent. Maybe she would listen to someone else explain it.Someone needs to explain that she is only hurting her children by not attending their functions and blaming your parents is not okay.It sends a message to the girls that maybe they are not important enough and that it is your parents fault their mom isn't there, even though that's not true, that is how a child's mind works.You can not control your x's actions but you can control how you choose to react to them. People experience things the way they do not because that's how they really are; but because that's how it is for them.If you are a good dad, be secure in that, and don't engage her in an argument. She sounds like she is hurt and feeling frustrated and maybe a bit like a failure that the marriage did not work.I know I did. It is different for women than men in divorce sometimes. Good luck
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Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9823
Loc: Arkansas
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Hindsight is always 20/20 and boy is mine perfect, lol. Now these are things I always encouraged my husband to do and he never did, but now agrees he should have and I still stand by them.
When kids tell stories about the other home, they are testing the boundaries and too often divorced parents fall right into the trap. When the other parent tells you what they said I would do one of two things, 1) next time you see the kids tell them you know what they told their other parent and let them know they must have misunderstood 'whatever it was'. or 2) talk to them about it in front of their other parent. I'm not of fan of asking 'why did you do that' because 100% of the time the answer is "I don't know" and about 99% of the time, the real answer doesn't even matter. They do it because what they say and how they convey the situation all they have control over. What kids REALLY need to know is 1) my parents talk to each other and check our stories so we'd better tell the truth and 2) my parents are going to be consistent. In my experience, it does not matter ONE iota WHAT the 'rule' is, good bad or ugly, as long as the parents are consistent (even if they disagree and they're consistent at their own homes) the kids will respect it and comply. It's when parents are wishy washy and argumentative that kids break rules.
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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