vivster
recently joined
Reged: 01/24/13
Posts: 1
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So I have been separated for a year this week. Not by my choice at all my husband of 12 years (together about 14) decided he was no longer happy and wanted to leave. Sad to say it took for him to leave for me to realize how much I done wrong on my part and how much I love him. We have 2 children 10 and 4 which I would give my life for. I tried after he left to convince him of counseling, church group and he just refused. I never realized why but because i was so stupid and naive I never realized he had already started dating a girl from work. He is 38 and this girl is 22. I found all her stuff in his apartment on fathers day just 3 months after he left. I could just not believe it and he said he never cheated that the relationship started after he left which I find really hard to believe. So anyway he said I should try and start dating as well, I was so hurt could not even imagine being with another man. My husband was my firs love, my first every thing so it has been very hard to get used to the lonely life. He still holds the relationship with this little girl and plays house with my kids, that is the hardest part of all. I joined the divorce care group through church and have tried to become more active in church and make new friends but boy is it hard. I have come a long way since the day he left, I can now eat and sleep better but none the less the pain is still there. I hurt a lot still and I often wonder if I will ever be whole again. I am 34 years old and not bad looking. I always get "but you are so beautiful you will find someone in no time". I hate that because it's not about looks. I am afraid to be alone for too long and forget what love is all about. At this time I just want to be a good mom/role model for my children and don't have time for another. I know the time will come when I will meet the right person. I just wonder does it always hurt for so long? Any suggestions advise would be greatly appreciated.
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Annie7676
old hand
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 862
Loc: NY
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The hurt does go away but it does take time. Focusing on your children is probably a good thing although there are many out there that put themselves first rather then children and start searching for someone new. Its a choice one makes, and there is no right or wrong in that area.
Church, support groups, hobbies, friends, etc will all help. I was with my X for almost 30 yrs and he left "to find himself, said he didn't love me anymore..." That was 12 years ago, found out about 2 yrs ago that he had been having on ongoing affair with the woman he left me for. He denied that there was anything going on. We, or I was so desparate at the time I wanted to believe that...what a fool I was.
Looking back, I would NEVER put myself to be so totally emersed in a person that I lose a sense of who I am. They are not worth it. If your spouse is with someone else, as hard and sad as it is, move on and dont look back, he is not worth it. You and your children are worth so much more. Focus on your positives and hold your head high.
Eventually I did meet someone and have been in a relationship but I dont feel the same about relationships and doubt that I ever will. I waited for almost 6 yrs before I ventured out, I worked on me and being a mom. I did not want my children to have to not only deal with a divorce but the experience of seeing me date or go out. But thats personal preference.
After my LTM ended and I flopped around and managed to work through it I came out stronger and more focused. It takes work and it takes time.
You will be whole again, dont let him make you feel less than worthy of who you are. You have your whole life in front of you, take one step at a time and eventually each day will get better.
Good luck.
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2004
Loc: MO Ozarks
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My former wife left me after 25 years of marriage. As it turned out, she already had someone waiting in the wings and it didn't take long for her to move him in with her and my two youngest daughters. She also embarked on a 12 year "career" of alienating all five of my children from me.
It took me somewhat over two years to "recover." Being left like that is a blow to your pride, your self-image, your self-esteem and your self-confidence. I don't believe you can rush the healing process but you can be open to it and let it happen. It just takes time.
As Annie indicated, don't let the separation, a divorce or your ex define you in any way because they don't. Learn from past mistakes, his and yours, and get on with your life. You owe it to yourself and your children. You also deserve it,
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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c_jane
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/06/07
Posts: 1759
Loc: In the Great State of Texas
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Learn to live on your own first. Don't try to put a 'time limit' on it. Spend your time nurturing your kids -- focus on them for a year or two.
Learn to change a tire by yourself. Hammer a few nails. Fix a leaky faucet. I have found that literally *anything* you need to do -- Google it and there will be a YouTube video (or several) on how to do it. This will make you confident in your own abilities. Home Depot has become my friend.
In time, you will know when you've recovered. Don't rush it.
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John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm.... He's not planning anything.
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