AMandolin
recently joined
Reged: 03/19/13
Posts: 7
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My husband and I have been together almost six years, married almost 2. He's in the Army. On March 7th, he told me he wants to be alone and filed for divorce. Two years ago, almost to the day, before we got married, he did the same thing. We lived together, were planning our future, and then out of the blue, he wasn't happy, wanted to end it. So, hard as it was, we went our separate ways, and two months later, he came to me wanting to work things out. I let him back into my life and he made efforts to prove to me that I would never have to worry about him leaving me that way again. He eventually asked me to marry him and I said yes. We honestly don't have problems like alot of couples have. We rarely even disagree. We are an EXTREMELY affectionate couple, constantly. The night before he told me that he wanted to be alone, he held me all night long, woke up, rested his head in the small of my back, and told me how he loved me. That evening, boom. He has pretty much cut me and my daughter off. He is staying with a buddy, and feels like he owes us no explanation except that he is not happy, all over again. I feel like this is a repeat of last time, and it seems like an odd coincidence that it's happening the same time of year as before. Up till now we have been planning on moving and buying a house, we've been trying for a baby... About a year ago, he went to the doctor because we haven't gotten pregnant and it turns out he has some fertility issues...this has progressed. He has no libido, no energy, easily irritable, and a little extra weight around his middle which were all symptoms of low testosterone. He is only 29. Recently I found out that his testosterone levels were healthy in December, but all of the symptoms are still there. I think (and the doctor indicated) that he may actually be depressed, which he completely denies. I feel that depression and inadequacy issues may have contributed to his decision, and looking back, I feel he had this problem for much longer, we just didn't find it until a year ago, when we discussed that fact that I haven't gotten pregnant. A little over two weeks ago, I really thought I was and we were excited, I was 4 days late. But then it came.
I feel like my husband is going to come to his senses and realize that he's made a mistake but I am not counting on that...I am going to give him this divorce even though it is not what I want or what is best for our family..
I guess I just really need some advice. I am madly in love with this man even after almost 6 years. Just days before he said he wanted to be alone, he told me he loves me more than one man could love another woman, that he loves me so much, and doesn't ever want to lose me...it all just doesn't make sense?
Also, he's leaving next month for school for about 3 months..a friend of mine thinks the inadequacy may have led to him having insecurities about leaving me behind..
Just want some advice and opinions, please...
Also, on another note, a question, in the military, is it still adultery if one files for divorce but begins "cheating?"
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elliesmom
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Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 8835
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Generally once someone has filed for divorce they are viewed as legally separated by the military and they aren't going to bat an eye if they are dating.
I agree that he sounds depressed, but there isn't much you can do to force someone to get help.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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AMandolin
recently joined
Reged: 03/19/13
Posts: 7
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I contacted the Chaplain, and the chaplain for his battalion said that until the divorce is final, it is still considered adultery.
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elliesmom
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Reged: 11/07/05
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That may be true, in my experience they won't go after him for it if he has started divorce proceedings. In fact even blatant adultery is usually ignored unless you are screwing someone you work with or you are a higher ranking officer. So I wouldn't expect much satisfaction.
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Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.
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finz
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Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6481
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[quote]I contacted the Chaplain, and the chaplain for his battalion said that until the divorce is final, it is still considered adultery. [/quote]
If you are still madly in love with this man, why would you inquire as to ways to get him in trouble with his employer ?
You married him immediately after one of these "episodes" and now you are thinking about trying to get him fired for it ? That's not exactly thinking about what's best for your family either.
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AMandolin
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Reged: 03/19/13
Posts: 7
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No, no. He is not seeing anyone else or anything like that. I am definitely not trying to get him in trouble with his employer. That would only make things worse. I don't want to ruin his career. I have only been trying to help him, He has some PTSD issues and depression going on that he doesn't want to confront. I have tried contacting the proper channels in his unit, including the chaplain and they are simply choosing to ignore it until he messes up at work. To me, that's very sad, and shows how little they care about the well-being of the people who fight for our country, and the way this kind of thing affects their families.
He has literally abandoned his family, he is running away from everything. I wish I could help him. I know that people will say you can't help someone who isn't willing to help him/herself, however, I had to try..
I do not want to hurt him, I was simply asking the question out of curiosity. I shouldn't have included it in the same thread. However, I cannot believe what soldiers can get away with in the military, that superiors just turn the other cheek. That's definitely not right.
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Redlegg
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Reged: 10/05/06
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In order to prove adultery, there would almost have to be video evidence. The legal system does not prosecute cases it feels it cannot win, and Commanders will not push it past the legal recommendation generally. A soldier can admit he actually committed adultery, and then recant, and they will still generally drop it.
The Army provides systems to help the families, not run them. Who even knows what he has told his chain of command, as far as that goes, he may have told them he is escaping an abusive situation. Do you know what he has told them?
As far as the PTSD issues, you say they are ignoring it, but that may not be the case. It may be your husband is ignoring it, and their hands are tied as far as forcing treatment. His chain of command is aware of the diagnosis, but they cannot just make him go and take the course of action recommended.
There is a lot going on here, and it seems like more than just a few unknowns. I believe your goal is to make the marriage work, and have a happy family. His goal may be different, and if it is, your outcome is a longshot at best.
You should probably plan on a dual track, the first one, on trying to do what you can to make it work, and the second, what to do if it does not....start looking long range because preparing for both will make whatever happens easier when it does happen.
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AMandolin
recently joined
Reged: 03/19/13
Posts: 7
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Redlegg,
Thank you for your post.
I am not sure what he has told his chain of command exactly, but the Chaplain did tell me that when he first talked to him that he wouldn't give them any details, other than he just wanted to be alone, that he wanted a divorce. But, it's very possible that he told them something else since then in order to show them that he is making a rational decision.
I KNOW for a fact my husband is ignoring his PTSD. I know of a doctor (doctorate in psychology) here that says EVERY soldier ever deployed has some form of PTSD. Unfortunately, the military cannot handle putting every single soldier through the form of tx that they need for PTSD. Which is why we have soldiers emotionally crying out for help and not even realizing it. The Army makes it hard for a soldier to admit they need help, because they are taught that they are supposed to overcome mental and physical weakness. PTSD, unfortunately is seen that way.
My goal is definitely to make the marriage work and to have a happy family, and that has always been his goal, until two weeks ago. However, I am trying to open my eyes to this situation and see that although I LOVE him with all of my heart, and although I will have to let go of all of the hopes and dreams that we wanted to achieve together, that he cannot be trusted. He has abandoned his family twice, without regard or emotion. He hasn't even asked about Molly. He just walked away from us and is living his life.
But, I feel that he is sending mixed signals..
Monday the 18th, he brought dovirce paperwork by and we sat down to talk. We didn't really get much accomplished as it was sort of awkward and neither of us knew where to begin. He said he hadn't even looked through any of the paperwork and that he didn't feel like doing anything with it tonight. He left me the summons and petition, which I am supposed to sign in front of a notary to start the 91 day divorce process. I haven't done it yet because I have been torn between marking whether or not I feel the marriage is or is not irretrievably broken. (I have 21 days from the date of receiving them to sign them.) That night we discussed that he was going to go to JAG tomorrow (Tuesday) and ask a few questions and get back to me, and also ask some questions at the ED Center regarding the GI Bill. He didn't go on Tuesday. At first he said he was too busy and he would go tomorrow. Then the next day it was another excuse and another. I don't believe he went. It's Saturday and I have still heard no word from him on any of that. He also has not asked me once if I have signed the papers. It seems mighty strange to me for someone who literally rushed so quickly into getting the papers and filing them without even asking me if I would file jointly to now be dragging their feet?
It's almost like he thinks that if he changes his mind, I'll still take him back, even though he filed to divorce me?
What is your take on all of this?
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javajunkiee
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Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 3158
Loc: SC
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Not to butt in, but my take on it is that he's got a GF who's giving him an ultimatum 'your wife or me'. He gets that demand from her, pushes your buttons to get the divorce, the gf is satisfied. He can put her off by saying he's waiting on you to sign the papers, declining to mention to her what he's really telling you.
I know you believe its PTSD causing him to act so erratically, but if you took the military out of the equation this scenario would be the first thing to come to mind.
Whether it's a sickness he refuses to acknowledge, or another woman (man?) he refuses to admit to, he is the only one who can decide what he wants.
You're waiting for him to decide he whether or not he wants you and your daughter... Again. I wouldn't put faith in any decision he makes at this point and start making your own.
You've stood by him long enough that he should KNOW where he belongs by now.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6481
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Was he in the military the first time he flaked out on you and the relationship ?
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