butterfly17
recently joined
Reged: 05/19/13
Posts: 1
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Recently unemployed. Going through separation and divorce. My request is to move out of state about 500 miles away with 2 children. I have a solid job in new state with family business. I will have security and stability and income needed to support myself and 2 children. Ex income fluctuates and is not consistent. Major reason not together is financial infidelity and him hiding money and using for things I did not know about and racking up credit card debt without my knowledge. My attorney suggested filing a complaint for temporary hearing. The judge said I could go on temporary basis until permanent hearing 5 months from now. The problem is judge also said kids would be with me one week, then next week with father (500 miles away). Since I'll be working that means kids would be in 2 different daycares, and traveling every weekend 8 hours in car. Children are 8 months and 3.5 yrs. What judge would order this?
I want to mediate with ex and work out agreement. I don't want the fate and custody of kids in judges hands to determine. However now his attorney has said that if I go and move away temporarily (which the judge said I could do with kids), that they will ask for primary custody at the permanent hearing. What do you all think of this? My attorney keeps telling me that relocation cases are hard to mediate out of court. She keeps pushing court, and is only concerned with how much money I have to pay her for this. She has yet to even listen to my entire story and life with ex and what I have gone through-- all the details!
However I think if ex was being realistic that the judge could go either way... and thats a chance we both take. His attorney could be telling him the same thing, and both attorneys would be getting a LOT of money out of this. Also, ex job is so that he travels, has late appointments, and after hour events at least 2-3 nights a week. These are young children and who really would be watching and caring for my children when he is away should he be granted full custody?? I am willing to lower child support, pay for travel expenses, a "joint" visitation schedule even with me in another state....
Thoughts?? I am just very scared about all of this... this is my life and my children! I wish ex and me could sit in front of mediator and agree on something for best interest of children... In other words he could be asking for something that he truly can't do and doesn't truly want. He wants to keep me here, so it is more convenient for him. I can see it now, that even on days he is supposed to have them that he'd have something come up- whether work or play that he would ask me to take them, because he knows I am always there for them! To him its not about the kids, about winning and what best suits his lifestyle...
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annieo
veteran
Reged: 07/07/10
Posts: 1413
Loc: Pacific Northwest
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You can always come to an agreement without lawyers but now you both have them and it can be difficult to step back from that but you still can it will depend on how well you both communicate and how you both can come to an arrangement that is best for the children you need to be ready to accept anything that you propose for him as that is what you can end up with think about the "how would "I" feel if I got what I want to see him have" and go from there.
If it is all about winning for him AND his lifestyle you have a contradiction because it doesn't sound like him having the children on a full-time basis fits his work schedule etc... If it is all about winning Good Luck because some people will go to great lengths to win and it is unfortunate when there are children involved. Will you go to any lengths to win regardless what may or may not be best for your children? A judge will do whatever he wants to do so yes a judge could order the travel for the children...
If he had the chance to have the children on a full-time basis maybe he would be able to handle it if you were not there taking care of everything and being there to take the children all the time when he needs to do this and that - I have seen more than one parent who relied on the other be able to manage when they needed to and succeed all they needed was the chance and the other parent to step back and let them...
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c_jane
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/06/07
Posts: 1759
Loc: In the Great State of Texas
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My Ex got custody of our 14-MO son because it was all about 'winning' and NOT having to pay Child Support but having ME pay HIM.
He had NO intention of taking care of our son. First his 2 older daughters did it (they were 18 and 21 at the time & still lived at his house). Then when they moved out as fast as he could he moved another woman into his house to be 'mommy'. Son was about 2.5 at the time.
The FIRST time Ex ACTUALLY took care of our son was when son was TEN and the woman he'd married moved out because they had a fight. She was gone for 2 weeks and Ex DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! He didn't know how to make a lunch for son, how to get him to karate, etc. He'd left all that to the woman.
That being said, personally *I* would forget moving away, especially with kids as young as yours. Judge could very well say "YOU can move, kids are awarded to Dad" if Dad's fighting it. How would you deal with that and paying DAD child support?? YOur kids are too young to be travelling back and forth EVERY.SINGLE.WEEKEND. They are too young NOT to see their Dad mid-week.
I never even considered moving away from my son. In fact, when Dad moved 20 minutes FURTHER away, I moved to the same subdivision within 1.5 years just so I could be close to my son.
Think about these things. You just might end up paying for ALL travel expenses AND CS AND lose your kids to boot.
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John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm.... He's not planning anything.
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javajunkiee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/08
Posts: 3158
Loc: SC
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In the eyes of the court your "solid job" doesn't trump dad's right to maintain a relationship with his kids. It's not unheard of for custody to be given to the parent who is staying put when the other one tries to move the kids away, especially if the parent staying put can prove that they're an involved parent and are FIGHTING the move.
Considering the judge is already willing to do a week on and week off parenting schedule and you've not even gotten to the hearing yet, I suggest you seriously reexamine your decision to move.
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Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6481
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"He wants to keep me here, so it is more convenient for him."
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Well, dah !
You make it sound like a bad thing......that your kids have a dad who actually wants to be able to see them frequently as they grow up. That is a GOOD thing. It's just incovenient for YOU and YOUR goals right now.
I "get" wanting to move to get a job and be near family. That is what's best for YOU. A judge has to consider what's best for the kids. Making it easy for you to take them away from their involved father is not in the kids' best interests. If the threat of losing primary custody if you move away ends up keeping you from moving, then the kids get both parents living locally.
Some people have gotten the court's permission to move away with the kids. It isn't, and shouldn't be, an automatic green light for everyone to think they can keep primary custody and move the kids away.
I think JJ gave excellent advice. Consider if you would appreciate "only" getting the visitation schedule that you propose for your ex to have.
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