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tiredandfedup
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Reged: 02/21/06
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Need advice
      #80990 - 02/21/06 02:58 PM

I was hoping I could get a little advice. I live in NJ. Me and my husband have been having issues for years and I'm tired of dealing with it. Two years ago, there was an issue about him cheating(was never proved either way) I thought we were better, but, it never was I guess. We have 2 children. I have taken care of both of them 99% of the time. I rarely get any help from him. I took 6 months off with my first and 9 months off with my second. I have stayed at my job just because of the benefits and the flexibility it has given me with having children. He owns his own business and supports the family. He expects me to have a full course meal on the table when he gets home(even though he comes home a different time every day) He wants the house spic and span(we've got two "babies" in the house) I just feel everything he wants is just too extreme, and he doesn't give me any help. We both work FT. He comes home and watches TV. I watch the kids. He occasionally helps, but I hear about it.

Anyways, he threw out divorce to me last week. I need to know my options. The house-bought in my name and my dads 3 weeks before the wedding. He says I screwed myself because I could never afford the house and kids. I would like to stay in the house for the kids, but, I would be flexible in getting a condo or something. We would probably make $200K on the sale of the house. What is he obligated to? What about the kids? He drinks every night. My brother works for him and he stops and gets a six pack every night. He's not drunk by far, but I still don't think it's right for him to watch them drinking. He thinks it's funny when the kids would grab for the beer or try and take a sip.(they never drink it, but it's the action) We always said we wouldn't keep the kids from each other. He's got a temper, and I don't think he can handle both kids. If he's already miserable, he definitely can't even handle one. Alright, I feel like I'm going on tangents. i'm sorry. I'm just really confused about everything and have no idea where to begin. Supposedly, his biggest problem is that he feels I don't do anything around the house. I do, it's just not at the times that he expects it. Everything has to be done when he wants and how he wants it. He owns his own business and he acts as if I'm his employee and not his wife. Over the weekend, he said he didn't want to lose me. He said I'm never going to change and he'll have to accept that(note the tone that was in his voice) He said that maybe one day I'll want to do these things for him.

I just need any advice that anyone could give me on ss, cs, keeping the house, what is owed to him....etc. Anything and everything would be helpful. Ask questions if I've forgotten anything.....I'm open to all the help I can get right now. Thank you so much!

Oh, I have gone back to school FT, while working FT and watching the children. I'm depending on family, other than my husband, to watch the kids when I have to take a test or something. I can't depend on my husband. I asked for an hour out of his time to watch them and he just walked out of the house to talk on the phone. It was business, but the world wouldn't have fallen apart if he put the call on hold for 15 minutes. I am starting a new job tomorrow that is less money, but in the field that I am going to school for.


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MamaKitty
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Re: Need advice [Re: tiredandfedup]
      #80999 - 02/21/06 03:25 PM

No advice, as I'm in the same position as you. It's hard being with a controlling person where it doesn't matter so much what you do as it does that you do it when they want you to.

No joke- one time he left us because the children's books were on the dining room table... which meant the house was filthy. Of course it had just been cleaned, and books on a table may be messy but certainly not dirty, but it didn't matter. Because they'd been there for weeks, the house was filthy. When I pointed out that they were library books that had been checked out 2 days earlier (and were date-stamped), it didn't matter.

Or another example- after I'd made dinner (I make everything from scratch), and served it, I'd bring the dishes into the kitchen, rinse them and leave them in the sink until later. I'd then start getting the bratties to bed- putting jammies on, brushing teeth and reading books... not good enough. Even though I was going to be the one washing the dishes after I'd got the bratties to bed, he wanted the dishes done immediately- putting the kids off while I washed the dishes. He didn't offer to get the bratties off to bed while I was washing dishes, or wash dishes while I was putting the bratties to bed- no, the dishes had to be washed by me right then while the bratties waited, otherwise everything was dirty. I'm talking the difference between washing the dishes at 9pm instead of 8pm.

I've had exactly the same thing happen with regards to telephone calls.... he'd say he'd watch them while I did laundry or worked in the garden...didn't even tell me he was on the phone, and left the kids in the bath, the car, running in the street, you name it. He couldn't just say 'hey, I'm on the phone, could you watch the bratties for a minute?'

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

c

Sounds like you've got your sh^t together as far as school and work... good for you.


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Loretta
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Re: Need advice [Re: tiredandfedup]
      #81050 - 02/21/06 05:24 PM

I would like to share some of my experience with you. First, I fell for the "you can't afford the house" cr@p. I moved into a one bedroom apt. w/3 kids because of it.... My current (and final) DH....his ex (having been through divorce before)...kept the house and he had to make 1/2 the payment while she lived there and they split the equity once it was sold. My ex also bullied me into 50/50 (so he wouldn't have to pay CS) even though he made twice as much as me and his schedule didn't allow for him to actually have the kids 50/50...more like 20/80. I didn't ask for anything because he made me feel guilty..."if I have to pay you off, I'll have to sell the boat and the kids love the boat...are you so selfish to want them to loose the boat?" I drove 15 miles each way to take them to school because we both agreed that they shouldn't have to disrupt everything in their lives.....fine....up until he rented the house and moved to a house him and his GF bought...then he wanted to change schools.....I didn't go for it and fought it and won. Then I went back and got custody and CS and $20,000. To this day he thinks I am a mean biotch, but I worked as hard as him in those 9.5 years of marriage...I deserved something. Point of my story....do not let him intimidate you.

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Rebecca5
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Re: Need advice [Re: tiredandfedup]
      #81125 - 02/21/06 09:47 PM

How long have you been married? How old are the kids?

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tiredandfedup
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Re: Need advice [Re: Rebecca5]
      #81194 - 02/22/06 08:09 AM

We will be married 5 years the end of May.

The eldest just turned 3 in Dec and my youngest is 9 and a half months.

Yes, a lot of that stuff sounds familiar. I understand that the business is what allows us to support the family, but it's not above the children. It would have been one thing if he asked me to take 15 min out of the test to watch them because the call was important, but he didn't. He knocked on the door and pointed at the kids. He doesn't think he was wrong and he wants an apology. I will not give it to him. I absolutely refuse. I didn't do anything wrong. He gets mad when he has no clean jeans. I don't go through his drawers. He does every morning. If he knows that he doesn't have any, then he get put a load in the washer. Or, he got home at 3 in the afternoon and just sat around while the kids were napping. He had time to do some laundry. It's never done. I always get the laundry basket empty over the weekend. It's not my fault he decides to change 3 times during the day and runs out of jeans so quickly. He says I don't appreciate anything he does. He tells me what i'm thinking and when I say something, it has a tone and it means something. He always tells me what I mean and think. He does not know. I'm just tired of all the fighting and bs that I have to put up with to keep him happy. I'm nervous when he gets home because I'm worried about what he's going to get upset about. I never go out with friends because he uses it against me whenever he gets a chance. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around him all the time.

D


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Gecko
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Re: Need advice [Re: tiredandfedup]
      #81269 - 02/22/06 12:29 PM

With only a 5 year marriage and you gainfully employed, you will not qualify for spousal support.

The equity in the marital home LESS your original investment is subject to equitable distribution. The equity in the business LESS his original investment is subject to equitable distribution. If you want to stay in the home, you trade your share of equity in the business for his share of equity in the house.

If either of you have a 401(k), you are each entitled to 50% of what has accumulated during the course of the marriage.

The beer issue...you're making too much of it. I was once like you...getting all jacked up because our daughter was trying to take of drink of BEER, but then I realized that it wasn't about the BEER because she did the same thing with whatever anyone was drinking...water, ice tea, coffee, Pepsi...didn't matter. It was simply a child's natural curiosity. Also, if he were drinking a 6-pak every night by himself I would be concerned, but not if he's only having 3 beers.

My ex was a lot like your STBX...dinner on the table by 6pm, the house clean regardless of three small children, short fuse, thought I did nothing but watch soap operas all day (I was a SAHM), whatever he wanted when he wanted it AND he drank a HELL of a lot more than split 6-pak every night. And like you, I was the one who took "care" of our children the majority of the time.

"Obviously" NOT a person you would want taking care of YOUR children, but guess what...that all changed because I was no longer around. He LEARNED to be a caring, temperate and responsible father. No he doesn't do it the way I "think" it should be done, but then again...I don't do things the way he "thinks" they should be done either.

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almostheaven
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About the house... [Re: Gecko]
      #81290 - 02/22/06 01:07 PM

Being that NJ is not a community property state, and the house was acquired prior to marriage, the court may or may give any portion of it to her S2BX. If they do decide to split it, they may also likely split it 3 ways...since her dad's name is on it.

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Char Fox


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tiredandfedup
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Re: Need advice [Re: Gecko]
      #81297 - 02/22/06 01:16 PM

He drinks the whole six pack a night.

I know I probably do get too worked up about the beer and the kids, but I think about what other people would think if they saw it.

I do get the short end of the straw here.....I have a 401K, he does not. He didn't take care of the business. He doesn't have equity in it....my opinion only. He has tools and what not. Everything is in my name. Even his business van. He pays the loan, but it's in my name and he's ruined my credit by not paying it on time. The business phone is in my name and paid by his business, again, late. I had perfect credit and that's the only reason we ever had anything and not it has been shot to hell. He had bad credit and could never get anything, even with me. Now I can't even get anything on my own and he can. How is that fair? I'm stuck with his back taxes that he never wanted to file and pay.

The house.....my dad's name is on it. Is half his and than half "ours" and that's what I have to split with him?

I'm afraid he won't learn though. He complains that his mom does too much for us. She's at the house too long, but if he goes to work late, he still has his mom come at the normal time so he can go about his business in the morning. I have to get up 2 hours early to get what I need to get done on my own. None of it seems fair.

I don't want to "screw him over", but I do feel that I should get something for everything that I've gone through. And, I've gone through a lot with him starting the business and everything. Some times he says he would give me anything I want and other times he says he's going to screw me over. I just don't know what to believe. He's a master b-s-er and it's hard to know when he's telling the truth.

Why can't I get SS?

D


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Gecko
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Re: Need advice [Re: tiredandfedup]
      #81350 - 02/22/06 02:32 PM

I know I probably do get too worked up about the beer and the kids, but I think about what other people would think if they saw it.

---> So...tell them to mind their own freaking business!

I do get the short end of the straw here.....I have a 401K, he does not.

---> No...it is still marital property, no different that a regular savings account.

Now I can't even get anything on my own and he can. How is that fair?

---> Yeah it bites when you get screwed but that's the chance you take.

I'm stuck with his back taxes that he never wanted to file and pay.

---> So...if everything was in your name, why didn't they get filed and paid?

The house.....my dad's name is on it. Is half his and than half "ours" and that's what I have to split with him?

---> It depends. What was your father's contribution...was he strictly a co-signer on the loan; did he provide money for the down payment and if so, was it a "gift" or a "loan" and if it was a loan, what were the expections on repayment?

I don't want to "screw him over", but I do feel that I should get something for everything that I've gone through.

---> In other words, you want to be compensated for making a bad choice?

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Gecko
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Re: Need advice [Re: tiredandfedup]
      #81355 - 02/22/06 02:34 PM

Why can't I get SS?

---> Because 1) the marriage was of short duration and 2) you are and have been, gainfully employed and thus self-sufficent.

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tiredandfedup
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Re: Need advice [Re: Gecko]
      #81384 - 02/22/06 03:21 PM

The back taxes are on the business only. I filed married but separately. It was his responsibility to file for himself and his business, which he did not. I can't force him to do anything. I claimed everything. When he finally decided he was going to own up to it, past years were filed and we owed money. He doesn't take care of it like he should.

yes, I do feel I should be compensated. Going into the marriage, he said equal responsibility unless I stayed home. I agreed. So, now he changes his mind and I should pay? I don't feel that's right. I knew him for 5 years before we got married. I lived with him for over 2 years. Why didn't any of this come about then? I wouldn't have gotten married, or if he felt this way and knew I wasn't that way, he shouldn't have married me.

Dad was just a co-signer. No money towards it at all.


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MamaKitty
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Re: Need advice [Re: tiredandfedup]
      #81407 - 02/22/06 04:08 PM

Hmm. Had a feeling you'd say he drank the whole 6pack a night. The BUND doesn't drink much at all now, but through both of my pregnancies he drank up to a 16 pack (those bigones) a night. Now his liver's shot and he can't.

Sounds familiar.

c


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Gecko
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Re: Need advice [Re: tiredandfedup]
      #81464 - 02/22/06 06:57 PM

The back taxes are on the business only. I filed married but separately. It was his responsibility to file for himself and his business, which he did not.

---> Then you cannot be held liable.

yes, I do feel I should be compensated. Going into the marriage, he said equal responsibility unless I stayed home. I agreed. So, now he changes his mind and I should pay?

---> Sounds to me like you're changing your mind too. If you agreed to equality, then he is "entitled" to half of your 401(k).

I knew him for 5 years before we got married. I lived with him for over 2 years. Why didn't any of this come about then?

---> It did, but you choose to ignore it...which is pretty typical today. We only see what we want to see.

Dad was just a co-signer. No money towards it at all.

---> Then the equity, LESS your original investment, would be divided between you and your husband.

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almostheaven
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Re: Need advice [Re: Gecko]
      #81474 - 02/22/06 07:30 PM

>>>>>In other words, you want to be compensated for making a bad choice?<<<<<

I don't see how her being compensated for a bad choice is the same as not wanting HIM to be compensated for his good choice. He picked a good spouse...one who contributed to her 401K, one who managed to snag a house "before" they married, one who managed to pay her debts. Now he wants to ride on her coattails and get half her retirement when he had a job all along but chose not to contribute, etc. Now I'm all for being fair in this. If it was a SAHP, I'd feel they should be entitled to part of the retirment. And if he can have the judge believing that she benefitted from more income of his since he wasn't contributing to retirment, he too should be eligible for a share in her retirement. But if everything is as she says, then he's looking for a free ride. He got one for the length of the marriage, now wants to grab half of everything she worked for afterward. But...NJ is not a community property state, so he may not grab too much.

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Char Fox


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Gecko
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To AlmostHeaven [Re: almostheaven]
      #81526 - 02/23/06 12:22 AM

But...NJ is not a community property state, so he may not grab too much.

---> Just because a state is not a "community property state" doesn't mean a whole hell of a lot anymore. Since no one is at "fault" anymore, everyone gets "half" of all the crap accumulated during the course of the marriage.

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almostheaven
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It's the "during the marriage" part... [Re: Gecko]
      #81703 - 02/23/06 12:17 PM

that comes in handy here. Since she bought the house before they were married. He may be entitled only to any part of the equity that the court believes he paid into during the marriage, but any downpayment/initial investment, no.

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Char Fox


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Debbie_L
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Re: Need advice [Re: Gecko]
      #81915 - 02/23/06 04:45 PM

He sounds like such a jerk I don't know how you've made it this long. He is very abusive. You both work full time, so how come he just gets to relax after work, but you are the slave? You probably will need counselling at some point to avoid getting yourself into these situations. Nobody should have been allowed to treat you like this for so long (or at all). You need to value yourself and never, ever let a man walk over you like this again. You have 2 very small children and you need to set this example for them. This is not the model of a healthy relationship, or healthy male/female roles to raise them with.

PS - I think a 6 pack of beer every night is definitely excessive.You are right to be concerned - not so much about what other people think, but about what this will do to your kids. I don't think it's healthy for kids to be around someone who "needs" that much booze every day. One or two beers is one thing - six beers a day is another.


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stacey30
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Re: Need advice [Re: tiredandfedup]
      #84645 - 03/04/06 11:33 AM

I was responsible for D 90% of the time. If she was sick, then it was my responsibility to stay home with her. I revolved my work around her.

I could never depend on stbx to be home in time for me to go to work at night. Always had to depend on my mom.
We were also separated more than we were apart during our marriage.

And when he was home, he was constantly on the computer working.

The house was never picked up enough for him. One time I was organizing the kitchen cabinets with D at my feet coloring. She was 2 at the time. I was so psyched for stbx to come home and see it. You know what I got instead? He decided to take pictures of the "huge mess" that I had created in the process of cleaning out the cubboards! He had a bad day at work and decided to take it out on me.
He thought that the pictures would prove something in court.

I never got help with cleaning. I asked him once while I had to burden most of the responsibility.

He told me "Well you are the mom!"

My point is....
The judge gave him every Tues. and Wed. night, in addition to EOW, even though he was never around during marriage.

My point is sometimes if the husband says he can do 2-nights, 3-nights, etc., than the judge will grant it. My stbx now has flexibility and never did before!

What amazes me...
If I had to go back to work full-time 9-5, then D would be without me from Tues. mornings until Thursday nights and then again on Friday mornings until Sunday night.

I was told though that the judge ordered what he wanted just because she comes to work with me. However, D is having a hard time transitioning, espcially at nights.

On his weekends, she comes back and ask why I was gone so long. On his weekends, I tell D mommy has to work so can not be with her. It seems to help her a lot. She does not think that me leaving her has anything to do with me not wanting her.

He is lucky that D formed an incredible bond with him, considering he was never there most of her life. I am grateful for this. If she hadn't or had to work away from her, than think it would be harder on me.

However, I know a lot of mom's staying in horrible marriages so they do not have to be apart from their kids.


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Gecko
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Re: It's the "during the marriage" part... [Re: almostheaven]
      #85197 - 03/06/06 09:52 PM

That's what I said, but thank's for supporting it.

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Mariah
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Re: Need advice [Re: tiredandfedup]
      #86613 - 03/10/06 10:51 AM

I know what you mean about being nervous when he comes home...everything could be perfect, exactley how he would want it, and he'll still find something to be upset about, he'll just dig for a reason the yell at me and tell me how useless and stupid I am. I bend over backwards to keep him happy, give him money every time he asks, even if it means putting bills off till next week, because if I don't give him money, I'll get yelled at and cussed out. I don't know about you all, but I don't even feel like a real person anymore, much less a wife for that matter.

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MamaKitty
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Re: Need advice [Re: Mariah]
      #86890 - 03/10/06 06:37 PM

Out of all the scary, freaky, stressful things that have come out of being in the middle (or, I guess just the beginning) of a divorce, the absolute best thing about it is not having to dread when the BUMD comes home. It took about 6 weeks to even start relaxing at 3-5, because I was still anticipating that miserable time.

What a weight off my shoulders to not have to deal with that, or with having him wake up, come down and stand in the doorway to my office, glaring, scratching himseslf all over in his boxers. Sometimes I still expect to hear him coming down the stairs, and I have to remind myself that it won't happen because he isn't here anymore.

I'm on another website for BPD/NPD/ADD/ADHD, and they keep repeating over and over to stop any contact (which I've done to the best of my ability so far.. and hopefully will be able to do better soon), and everyone keeps recommending two books... 'Splitting' and 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'. I haven't bought them yet because I have no money and haven't gotten any CS for 2 months, but they're highly recommended so I plan on getting them ASAP.

c


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loril
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Re: Need advice [Re: tiredandfedup]
      #94082 - 03/27/06 10:21 AM

I know exactly what you are going through, 7 years, he is controling. I clean the house, buy the food, pay for all insurances, pay the bills, the car note is my name, and I must drive as he is not licensed. When I won't jump to his demands I get the silance treatment and he sleeps in the other bedroom. Like now, yet he is always setting in the car in the am waiting for me to drop him at work on my way to work, And yes I pay for the gas too. He hasn't spoken two words to me in 5 days, yet he still exspects me to cook etc for him.. I am so ready for the divorce, but if I speak to him I will only be yelled at, or a door slamed in my face

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almostheaven
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Make your point without words... [Re: loril]
      #94123 - 03/27/06 11:10 AM

Do all the laundry but his. Set one place at the table and make just enough for yourself. Keep the car locked so he can't get in and wait for you...works best if you leave a bus schedule where he'll see it. Don't pay any bills that are in his name alone...put those bills where he'll see them and know they need paid.

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Char Fox


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loril
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Re: Make your point without words... [Re: almostheaven]
      #94132 - 03/27/06 11:31 AM

He took a key to car. Like last week, he called me here at work at 3pm, Said I am ready to leave work, so you need to leave and pick me up. I said I am still working and I can not just get up and leave, he cussed and slamed the phone down on me. I have a very demanding and stressful job. He mother tells him that I should be able to drive him where ever and when ever he needs to be some where, so he feels what ever his mom says should go.

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Buckeye
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Re: Make your point without words... [Re: loril]
      #94138 - 03/27/06 11:55 AM

If mama feels like that, then let her drive her "baby" boy everywhere!

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loril
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Re: Make your point without words... [Re: Buckeye]
      #94182 - 03/27/06 01:14 PM

Moma can't drive either. Moma says I took her boy away from her,and that he should be with her/not me. Momma has nothing nice to say to me or about me unless she wants something from me.

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almostheaven
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Re: Make your point without words... [Re: loril]
      #94232 - 03/27/06 04:21 PM

Then on the next drive to work, stop by mommas, tell him to get the you-know-what out, and hand him a note that says "Dear Momma, I'm bringing your boy back and now he can be with you for all eternity. Have a nice life."

--------------------
Char Fox


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Buckeye
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Re: Make your point without words... [Re: almostheaven]
      #94306 - 03/27/06 07:38 PM

I second that!!!

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loril
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Re: Make your point without words... [Re: almostheaven]
      #94407 - 03/28/06 06:18 AM

I would love to do just that, beleive me.. Put I would probly have to pay dearly for it........

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almostheaven
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Pay dearly??? [Re: loril]
      #94429 - 03/28/06 07:44 AM

Are we talking verbal or actual physical abuse? If it's the former, no you don't. You drop him off and DRIVE off. You take your phone off the hook. You avoid his rants, ignore his rants.

If it's the latter, you file an RO, change the locks or move, file for immediate divorce, and file charges.

In EITHER case, you sound like you already "pay dearly" at times. So do you continue walking on eggshells and being beaten down until you're waaaaaaay too afraid to ever do anything about it or until it gets worse, or do you do something about it now when you're at least brave enough to consider it and to talk about it?

--------------------
Char Fox


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