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tiredandfedup
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Reged: 02/21/06
Posts: 4
Loc: NJ
Need advice
      #80990 - 02/21/06 02:58 PM

I was hoping I could get a little advice. I live in NJ. Me and my husband have been having issues for years and I'm tired of dealing with it. Two years ago, there was an issue about him cheating(was never proved either way) I thought we were better, but, it never was I guess. We have 2 children. I have taken care of both of them 99% of the time. I rarely get any help from him. I took 6 months off with my first and 9 months off with my second. I have stayed at my job just because of the benefits and the flexibility it has given me with having children. He owns his own business and supports the family. He expects me to have a full course meal on the table when he gets home(even though he comes home a different time every day) He wants the house spic and span(we've got two "babies" in the house) I just feel everything he wants is just too extreme, and he doesn't give me any help. We both work FT. He comes home and watches TV. I watch the kids. He occasionally helps, but I hear about it.

Anyways, he threw out divorce to me last week. I need to know my options. The house-bought in my name and my dads 3 weeks before the wedding. He says I screwed myself because I could never afford the house and kids. I would like to stay in the house for the kids, but, I would be flexible in getting a condo or something. We would probably make $200K on the sale of the house. What is he obligated to? What about the kids? He drinks every night. My brother works for him and he stops and gets a six pack every night. He's not drunk by far, but I still don't think it's right for him to watch them drinking. He thinks it's funny when the kids would grab for the beer or try and take a sip.(they never drink it, but it's the action) We always said we wouldn't keep the kids from each other. He's got a temper, and I don't think he can handle both kids. If he's already miserable, he definitely can't even handle one. Alright, I feel like I'm going on tangents. i'm sorry. I'm just really confused about everything and have no idea where to begin. Supposedly, his biggest problem is that he feels I don't do anything around the house. I do, it's just not at the times that he expects it. Everything has to be done when he wants and how he wants it. He owns his own business and he acts as if I'm his employee and not his wife. Over the weekend, he said he didn't want to lose me. He said I'm never going to change and he'll have to accept that(note the tone that was in his voice) He said that maybe one day I'll want to do these things for him.

I just need any advice that anyone could give me on ss, cs, keeping the house, what is owed to him....etc. Anything and everything would be helpful. Ask questions if I've forgotten anything.....I'm open to all the help I can get right now. Thank you so much!

Oh, I have gone back to school FT, while working FT and watching the children. I'm depending on family, other than my husband, to watch the kids when I have to take a test or something. I can't depend on my husband. I asked for an hour out of his time to watch them and he just walked out of the house to talk on the phone. It was business, but the world wouldn't have fallen apart if he put the call on hold for 15 minutes. I am starting a new job tomorrow that is less money, but in the field that I am going to school for.


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MamaKitty
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Reged: 01/30/06
Posts: 1632
Loc: California
Re: Need advice [Re: tiredandfedup]
      #80999 - 02/21/06 03:25 PM

No advice, as I'm in the same position as you. It's hard being with a controlling person where it doesn't matter so much what you do as it does that you do it when they want you to.

No joke- one time he left us because the children's books were on the dining room table... which meant the house was filthy. Of course it had just been cleaned, and books on a table may be messy but certainly not dirty, but it didn't matter. Because they'd been there for weeks, the house was filthy. When I pointed out that they were library books that had been checked out 2 days earlier (and were date-stamped), it didn't matter.

Or another example- after I'd made dinner (I make everything from scratch), and served it, I'd bring the dishes into the kitchen, rinse them and leave them in the sink until later. I'd then start getting the bratties to bed- putting jammies on, brushing teeth and reading books... not good enough. Even though I was going to be the one washing the dishes after I'd got the bratties to bed, he wanted the dishes done immediately- putting the kids off while I washed the dishes. He didn't offer to get the bratties off to bed while I was washing dishes, or wash dishes while I was putting the bratties to bed- no, the dishes had to be washed by me right then while the bratties waited, otherwise everything was dirty. I'm talking the difference between washing the dishes at 9pm instead of 8pm.

I've had exactly the same thing happen with regards to telephone calls.... he'd say he'd watch them while I did laundry or worked in the garden...didn't even tell me he was on the phone, and left the kids in the bath, the car, running in the street, you name it. He couldn't just say 'hey, I'm on the phone, could you watch the bratties for a minute?'

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

c

Sounds like you've got your sh^t together as far as school and work... good for you.


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Loretta
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Reged: 06/02/05
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Re: Need advice [Re: tiredandfedup]
      #81050 - 02/21/06 05:24 PM

I would like to share some of my experience with you. First, I fell for the "you can't afford the house" cr@p. I moved into a one bedroom apt. w/3 kids because of it.... My current (and final) DH....his ex (having been through divorce before)...kept the house and he had to make 1/2 the payment while she lived there and they split the equity once it was sold. My ex also bullied me into 50/50 (so he wouldn't have to pay CS) even though he made twice as much as me and his schedule didn't allow for him to actually have the kids 50/50...more like 20/80. I didn't ask for anything because he made me feel guilty..."if I have to pay you off, I'll have to sell the boat and the kids love the boat...are you so selfish to want them to loose the boat?" I drove 15 miles each way to take them to school because we both agreed that they shouldn't have to disrupt everything in their lives.....fine....up until he rented the house and moved to a house him and his GF bought...then he wanted to change schools.....I didn't go for it and fought it and won. Then I went back and got custody and CS and $20,000. To this day he thinks I am a mean biotch, but I worked as hard as him in those 9.5 years of marriage...I deserved something. Point of my story....do not let him intimidate you.

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Rebecca5
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Reged: 06/02/05
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Loc: Down home.
Re: Need advice [Re: tiredandfedup]
      #81125 - 02/21/06 09:47 PM

How long have you been married? How old are the kids?

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tiredandfedup
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Reged: 02/21/06
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Loc: NJ
Re: Need advice [Re: Rebecca5]
      #81194 - 02/22/06 08:09 AM

We will be married 5 years the end of May.

The eldest just turned 3 in Dec and my youngest is 9 and a half months.

Yes, a lot of that stuff sounds familiar. I understand that the business is what allows us to support the family, but it's not above the children. It would have been one thing if he asked me to take 15 min out of the test to watch them because the call was important, but he didn't. He knocked on the door and pointed at the kids. He doesn't think he was wrong and he wants an apology. I will not give it to him. I absolutely refuse. I didn't do anything wrong. He gets mad when he has no clean jeans. I don't go through his drawers. He does every morning. If he knows that he doesn't have any, then he get put a load in the washer. Or, he got home at 3 in the afternoon and just sat around while the kids were napping. He had time to do some laundry. It's never done. I always get the laundry basket empty over the weekend. It's not my fault he decides to change 3 times during the day and runs out of jeans so quickly. He says I don't appreciate anything he does. He tells me what i'm thinking and when I say something, it has a tone and it means something. He always tells me what I mean and think. He does not know. I'm just tired of all the fighting and bs that I have to put up with to keep him happy. I'm nervous when he gets home because I'm worried about what he's going to get upset about. I never go out with friends because he uses it against me whenever he gets a chance. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around him all the time.

D


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Gecko
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Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 20211
Loc: Third rock from the sun
Re: Need advice [Re: tiredandfedup]
      #81269 - 02/22/06 12:29 PM

With only a 5 year marriage and you gainfully employed, you will not qualify for spousal support.

The equity in the marital home LESS your original investment is subject to equitable distribution. The equity in the business LESS his original investment is subject to equitable distribution. If you want to stay in the home, you trade your share of equity in the business for his share of equity in the house.

If either of you have a 401(k), you are each entitled to 50% of what has accumulated during the course of the marriage.

The beer issue...you're making too much of it. I was once like you...getting all jacked up because our daughter was trying to take of drink of BEER, but then I realized that it wasn't about the BEER because she did the same thing with whatever anyone was drinking...water, ice tea, coffee, Pepsi...didn't matter. It was simply a child's natural curiosity. Also, if he were drinking a 6-pak every night by himself I would be concerned, but not if he's only having 3 beers.

My ex was a lot like your STBX...dinner on the table by 6pm, the house clean regardless of three small children, short fuse, thought I did nothing but watch soap operas all day (I was a SAHM), whatever he wanted when he wanted it AND he drank a HELL of a lot more than split 6-pak every night. And like you, I was the one who took "care" of our children the majority of the time.

"Obviously" NOT a person you would want taking care of YOUR children, but guess what...that all changed because I was no longer around. He LEARNED to be a caring, temperate and responsible father. No he doesn't do it the way I "think" it should be done, but then again...I don't do things the way he "thinks" they should be done either.

--------------------
If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!


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almostheaven
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Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
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About the house... [Re: Gecko]
      #81290 - 02/22/06 01:07 PM

Being that NJ is not a community property state, and the house was acquired prior to marriage, the court may or may give any portion of it to her S2BX. If they do decide to split it, they may also likely split it 3 ways...since her dad's name is on it.

--------------------
Char Fox


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tiredandfedup
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Reged: 02/21/06
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Loc: NJ
Re: Need advice [Re: Gecko]
      #81297 - 02/22/06 01:16 PM

He drinks the whole six pack a night.

I know I probably do get too worked up about the beer and the kids, but I think about what other people would think if they saw it.

I do get the short end of the straw here.....I have a 401K, he does not. He didn't take care of the business. He doesn't have equity in it....my opinion only. He has tools and what not. Everything is in my name. Even his business van. He pays the loan, but it's in my name and he's ruined my credit by not paying it on time. The business phone is in my name and paid by his business, again, late. I had perfect credit and that's the only reason we ever had anything and not it has been shot to hell. He had bad credit and could never get anything, even with me. Now I can't even get anything on my own and he can. How is that fair? I'm stuck with his back taxes that he never wanted to file and pay.

The house.....my dad's name is on it. Is half his and than half "ours" and that's what I have to split with him?

I'm afraid he won't learn though. He complains that his mom does too much for us. She's at the house too long, but if he goes to work late, he still has his mom come at the normal time so he can go about his business in the morning. I have to get up 2 hours early to get what I need to get done on my own. None of it seems fair.

I don't want to "screw him over", but I do feel that I should get something for everything that I've gone through. And, I've gone through a lot with him starting the business and everything. Some times he says he would give me anything I want and other times he says he's going to screw me over. I just don't know what to believe. He's a master b-s-er and it's hard to know when he's telling the truth.

Why can't I get SS?

D


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Gecko
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Re: Need advice [Re: tiredandfedup]
      #81350 - 02/22/06 02:32 PM

I know I probably do get too worked up about the beer and the kids, but I think about what other people would think if they saw it.

---> So...tell them to mind their own freaking business!

I do get the short end of the straw here.....I have a 401K, he does not.

---> No...it is still marital property, no different that a regular savings account.

Now I can't even get anything on my own and he can. How is that fair?

---> Yeah it bites when you get screwed but that's the chance you take.

I'm stuck with his back taxes that he never wanted to file and pay.

---> So...if everything was in your name, why didn't they get filed and paid?

The house.....my dad's name is on it. Is half his and than half "ours" and that's what I have to split with him?

---> It depends. What was your father's contribution...was he strictly a co-signer on the loan; did he provide money for the down payment and if so, was it a "gift" or a "loan" and if it was a loan, what were the expections on repayment?

I don't want to "screw him over", but I do feel that I should get something for everything that I've gone through.

---> In other words, you want to be compensated for making a bad choice?

--------------------
If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!


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Gecko
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Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 20211
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Re: Need advice [Re: tiredandfedup]
      #81355 - 02/22/06 02:34 PM

Why can't I get SS?

---> Because 1) the marriage was of short duration and 2) you are and have been, gainfully employed and thus self-sufficent.

--------------------
If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!


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