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tlescak
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Reged: 02/28/06
Posts: 5
Problems With Grandparents
      #83287 - 02/28/06 01:46 PM

I am happily married, so maybe this post doesn't belong here but I need feedback on my problem and this seems as good a place as any.

After my son was born 4 years ago, my relationship with my parents has deteriorated to the point that I have not spoken to my stepfather in 9 months.

When my son was born my parents made it very clear to my wife and I that their relationship with their grandson would not be compromised in any way. Including by any rules we may have concerning his upbringing. My parents have aggressive dogs, they also leave loaded handguns around the house and seem to have little regard for conventional attitudes towards child-rearing. This caused my wife (and myself to an extent) to be hesitant about leaving S with them. They immediately took offense at that. My stepfather made it clear that "noone is going to tell him what to do." well there were several instances where he was "told what to do" for example: He was holding the baby and not supporting his head, my wife told him to support the baby's head and he shot back with "Hey I know what I'm doing" and you could tell he was offended.
Next example: The kids (we also have a daughter) were playing in a sandpile in our yard. My stepfather was showing them how to throw the sand. I asked him not to show them how to throw the sand. He stormed off into the house and didn't say a word the rest of the night.
Next example: We do not want our son playing in cars or getting the idea that it is OK. A motor vehicle is not a plaything for a toddler. My stepfather took him to his truck to play, and when I went to confront him about doing something we specifically asked him not to do, he held up a video camera, apparently to tape my "tirade".
Next example: We made it clear to my parents (stepdad is a gun nut) that we do not want S to play with toy guns until he is old enough to know the difference between the toy ones and the real ones. This caused an argument that resulted in us not speaking for the last 9 months.

My stepfather obviously refuses to accept me as an adult at 36 years old. My parents refuse to accept the choices we make as parents.

My mother acts distant, I know she hates the situation as it stands.

I don't know what to do, except accept the things I cannot change.

Edited by tlescak (02/28/06 01:47 PM)


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AnneB
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Reged: 09/21/05
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Re: Problems With Grandparents [Re: tlescak]
      #83319 - 02/28/06 02:47 PM

You can accept them, but you DO NOT have to tolerate their lack of regard for your children's safety and the rules you have made as parents. Simply put, these are YOUR children, and they don't have a right to make the rules. While you could make some argument that they can have rules in their home the fact that they disregard your wishes would make me unable to leave my children there in their care. This isn't like they are giving them ice cream when you don't want them to have sweet stuff. The issues you mention are dangerous.

My daughter had to go to the emergency room in Pre-K because a kid threw sand in her eyes close range. It required eye drops to relieve the scratching of the eye-lid and was an expensive trip. I am sorry to say that it seems like your relationship with them will be limited because THEY refuse to accept your rules and don't respect boundaries. I would try to explain to your mom what the issues are, ask for their cooperation, and then explain if they are not able to cooperate visits will be done in the company of you and your wife. How sad for you that their desire to have their way supercedes their desire to spend time with their grandchildren.


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tlescak
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Reged: 02/28/06
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Re: Problems With Grandparents [Re: AnneB]
      #83324 - 02/28/06 02:55 PM

Thanks AnneB, post here much? :)

Yes it is sad. I have talked, and talked, and talked. But my parents are unwilling to compromise in any way.

I no longer feel welcome in their home as my stepfather wouldn't speak to me or even acknowledge my presence when I went to visit for Christmas.I am a kind man who forgives others' faults and I don't hold grudges or harbor anger.
So I'm willing to "let it go". My stepfather is NOT.

So I have no choice but to accept the situation AS IS.

My parents are narcissistic control freaks. I think seeing me as an adult with my own opinions, completely independent of them, has pushed them over the edge.

There's a lot of psychology going on here I beleive.

The silent treatment I'm getting from stepfather is his last tool of control.


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MamaKitty
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Reged: 01/30/06
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Re: Problems With Grandparents [Re: tlescak]
      #83342 - 02/28/06 03:33 PM

The only way to fix this is to control it. Invite the gparents to your house for visits. Go to restaurants for visits. They won't have a choice as to how things go.

If, however, you are disappointed because the gparents are willing to be involved in your children's lives, and it would be nice/helpful for them to watch them/keep them overnight... give it up. You cannot tell them what to do at their own houses. Point blank. And I don't know any parent who would be comfortable leaving their children at their place, given what you've said.

So, either have the gparents in your lives on YOUR turf, or give up the dream of them being there to help you out and babysit etc., lots of people have had to do that. It's hard not having help from the gparents (I know), but really, you have no rights to tell them what to so at their own house, no matter how stupid it it.

And if it is about power, unsettle the powerbase a little by having them babysit at your house.

c


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tlescak
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Reged: 02/28/06
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Re: Problems With Grandparents [Re: MamaKitty]
      #83540 - 03/01/06 07:12 AM

[quote]The only way to fix this is to control it. Invite the gparents to your house for visits. Go to restaurants for visits. They won't have a choice as to how things go.

If, however, you are disappointed because the gparents are willing to be involved in your children's lives, and it would be nice/helpful for them to watch them/keep them overnight... give it up. You cannot tell them what to do at their own houses. Point blank. And I don't know any parent who would be comfortable leaving their children at their place, given what you've said.

So, either have the gparents in your lives on YOUR turf, or give up the dream of them being there to help you out and babysit etc., lots of people have had to do that. It's hard not having help from the gparents (I know), but really, you have no rights to tell them what to so at their own house, no matter how stupid it it.

And if it is about power, unsettle the powerbase a little by having them babysit at your house.

c [/quote]

Thanks for the reply!

I have tried to reconcile with my stepfather but he wants to hold a grudge. I believe anything short of an all-out, on-my-knees, apology for the whole thing would be unacceptable to my stepfather. My Mom is caught in the middle, and alternates between seeing the kids at our house, and being positive about the whole situation to staying away and giving us the cold shoulder.

I could invite them to dinner, my Mom would come my stepfather will not.

I cannot control this situation as my parents wish to control it.


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youngatheart
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Re: Problems With Grandparents [Re: tlescak]
      #84864 - 03/05/06 05:26 PM

If they have aggressive dogs and leave loaded guns around, my children would NOT be going to their house. Period. They would be welcome to come to my home, or to meet me at McDonalds to see my kids, but it would be at MY convenience.

Personally, I wouldn't worry about hurting their feelings or the relationship. Doesn't sound like there is much of a relationship anyway.


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tlescak
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Reged: 02/28/06
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Re: Problems With Grandparents [Re: youngatheart]
      #84943 - 03/06/06 07:37 AM

[quote]If they have aggressive dogs and leave loaded guns around, my children would NOT be going to their house. Period. They would be welcome to come to my home, or to meet me at McDonalds to see my kids, but it would be at MY convenience.

Personally, I wouldn't worry about hurting their feelings or the relationship. Doesn't sound like there is much of a relationship anyway. [/quote]

No, not much of a relationship on my stepdad's end, but my Mom is very much in the picture and makes a great effort. I feel bad that this rift between my stepdad and me is causing her pain.


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PureEssence
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Reged: 07/25/06
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Re: Problems With Grandparents [Re: tlescak]
      #129986 - 07/26/06 05:15 AM

After reading the threads, I personally would not even bother with these people who disrespect you, your step dad has some real serious issues. Im totally disgusted at the way he is treating you in regards to you as a person. He doesnt respect you at all. You have every right in sticking up to your parents regardless of where you are and what household, no one has the right to be abusive. I suggest next time he is abusive to you tell him to leave or if you are at his house, walk out. Kids dont need to be around abusiveness. They are quite absorbers please set an example for them and show them that you will not be treated like. Dont let other people tell you otherwise and dont let them make you feel wrong by doing so, your children are yours.

Book to read is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship and how to recognize and how to respond" By Patricia Evans, isbn: 1 55850 582 2.....It helped me so much. I had problems like yourself with my ex and his family. They were very abusive both mentally and emotionally.


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confused07
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Reged: 11/24/07
Posts: 22
Re: Problems With Grandparents [Re: PureEssence]
      #330253 - 12/07/07 12:22 PM

I really understand your situation tlescak, I am in the same situation but it's with my in-laws. (mostly MIL), She has taken it upon herself to make decisions for my children that totally contridict mine. The most serious example is that she has flat refused to give my child his asthma medicine because she doesn't agree with giving children unnecessary medication. My first arguement is it's NOT her decision because it's not her child and I've made this very clear on several occasions, however she has continued to ignore me. So my answer to them was if you cannot follow my instructions when you have my children then you won't be allowed to take my children anywhere anymore. I have explained to them that they may come and visit them anytime they want as long as they let me know a couple of weeks in advance. But until they could respect me as a person and as a parent they wouldn't be taking them anywhere. The worst part about it is she doesn't think she's done anything wrong.

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