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Mariah
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Reged: 03/10/06
Posts: 3
Loc: Central New York
In need of moral support...
      #86598 - 03/10/06 10:30 AM

I am 22 years old, I have 2 children. My daughter is Autistic and will be 3 in April and my son is 18 months. My husband(31) and I work at the same place, a retail sportsmans center. We drive an hour to get there from where we live. We currently live with my mother-in-law and her fiancee, because my husband has a spending problem. We have been married for just over 2 years, and this June we will have been together for 5. He also has 2 other children, 13 and 10, which he pays about half of his weekly paycheck to their mother for CS. The rest of his check he uses for whatever he feels like. Then when his money is gone, he asks me for money, and by the time he gets what he wants, I can't pay bills. We live paycheck-to-paycheck, we have since we first moved in together. Except back then, we didn't have kids, it was just us, and I would go without groceries for weeks so that I could pay the bills, and at that time, he wasn't even working...just sitting around all day. I take care of our kids 90% of the time, and the other 10% is my mother-in-law helping me, thank goodness for her! Or I'd never get help! According to my husband, I'm terrible at managing money, including paying bills. I don't do my job to my fullest ability(we work at the same place, remember - and he's always trying to tell me how to do my job), I'm a bad mother, yes, he's said that before(even though he's probably NEVER changed a diaper since either of our kids were born!), I'm a terrible housekeeper, and I admit, I'm not the best, but sometimes I think it's OK to leave the dishes for tomorrow after I've worked 8 hours, and just want to spend time with my kids before they go to bed. And I also never 'use my head' or think, basically, I'm an idiot. He's very mean to me, he says terrible things about me to my face, like the bad mom thing, and he also accuses me of cheating at least 2 times a day. He has a short fuse, very short. He's physically mean(he doesn't beat the you know what out of me, but...he is just...mean) on an almost regular basis(1-2 times a month). And I'm not saying that I'm always the easiest person to get along with either, I think that I'm always expecting him to be miserable with me, so I'm constantly on the defensive. Most times I just try not to even talk to him if it's not necessary. I don't feel like his wife anymore. I left him once before we got married and before my youngest child was born. We got back together after a few months, and he was great for about 3 months, and then it all went back to 'normal'. He has the belief that it's a womans 'job' to care for the children and the house by herself. And it's a mans job to bring home the money and do man things, like mow the lawn. Well, I do EVERYTHING. I bring home twice as much as he does, I mow, I shovel, I take out the garbage, I clean, I cook, and I'm the most useless individual he's ever seen. We have very few assets, a boat and a couple vehicles. I could care less about the boat, and almost everything else. I just want my kids and my car. I don't even know where to start, I have no money, no savings, no resources. And I know for a fact that he will fight me for everything, espically the kids. I just think that it would be so much easier for me to care for my kids, provide for them on my own. Plus then they wouldn't be exposed to the bad things that happen...But I know he will not give me an uncontested divorce, not in a million years. He'll try to hurt me in the worst way possible...At least that's what he's threatened me with. What do I do? He knows that I'm unhappy, how can I make things as quick and painless as possible?

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hippie1981
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Reged: 09/27/05
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Re: In need of moral support... [Re: Mariah]
      #86707 - 03/10/06 12:44 PM

This man sounds exactly like my STBX, except he did beat the living crap out of me on a regular basis. What he's doing is verbal and emotional abuse. If he pushes or pinches, or does anything mean that is physical, it's physical abuse. Call the cops on him so its documented. You'll have an easier time in court if you have proof of his abuse. You need to take the kids and get out of there. Go to a women's shelter if you have to. Domestic abuse programs can find you a lawyer for free. Make sure you close all joint accounts and open new ones in just your name. You'll also want to find a new job. Get a restraining order against him. You need to get out of this potentially dangerous situation and make a new life for you and your kids.

Edited by hippie1981 (03/10/06 12:46 PM)


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Tabitha
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 481
Re: In need of moral support... [Re: Mariah]
      #86863 - 03/10/06 04:31 PM

Quote: We live paycheck-to-paycheck, we have since we first moved in together. Except back then, we didn't have kids, it was just us, and I would go without groceries for weeks so that I could pay the bills, and at that time, he wasn't even working...just sitting around all day. end quote

***************************************************

Mariah,
Hate to tell you this girl, but you picked him. Yup, back when you were first living with him and not buying groceries for weeks was the time to leave him quick and painlessly. Now that you have married the bum and proceeded to have two children with him, there will be nothing quick and painless about it.

So, what to do now? Stop whining about all you do and all he doesn't do. You cannot make him change. Stop giving him money for his toys and start saving your money. Save up as much as possible and hire a good lawyer and follow her advice. That's about all you can do. Oh, and, don't make the same mistake again. No moving in with another bum in hopes that he will rescue you. You made the poor decsions that got yourself into this mess. This is your LIFE we're talking about here. Each one of your choices effects the outcome. Don't play around with your children's lives either. Bringing boyfriends (or husbands) in and out of their lives will only hurt them. (I'm not saying to never get remarried, but be sure to make a good choice this time and no shacking up with someone just because it's easier or financially better.) Other women have made it through worse situations before. You can do it, you just have to make better choices. Good luck.

--------------------
"You never really know a person until you divorce them."


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MamaKitty
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Reged: 01/30/06
Posts: 1632
Loc: California
Re: In need of moral support... [Re: Tabitha]
      #86888 - 03/10/06 06:18 PM

Well, for someone needing moral support, the last post was a bit harsh. Honest. yeah, but harsh all the same.

It's not going to be easy, but it doesn't sound like it is now, anyway.

How about when you get your check you go right away and trade it in for moneyorders to pay your bills? That way he can't get his mitts on it.

You say you live with MIl? Can you afford to support your children by working and paying for rent somewhere else, if you could keep your own money? Can you pay for childcare if MIL won't do it for free anymore? Can you find another job? If not, ignore his comments- he's not your boss, and you'd get fired if you really were negligent.

These are the things you need to ask yourself. Reread your first post. It's obvious you know you can't keep doing what you've been doing.

True, the last thing you should do is get a boyfriend, even if they could help you out monetarily, as you have such low self-esteem right now that you'd only pick losers.

If you can't move out ASAP, you need to put in place a plan... a way to squirrel away as much money as you can until you have enough money to move. Then take the kids with you and worry about his controlling reaction later. Don't listen to anything he says... just say hmmm, really? You know you're a good parent, you know you're smart (or you wouldn't have found this place)you know you keep your place clean... so why does it matter what he thinks?

If you can't get out right away, then plan for when you can, save what you can, and don't worry about affording divorce until after you're out.

c


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Tabitha
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 481
Re: In need of moral support... [Re: MamaKitty]
      #87632 - 03/13/06 09:09 AM

Oh, Sorry. You're right. Let me try again.

Mariah,
What a jerk your husband is! You poor thing, how dare he do that to you. I mean, it's not like you've taught him how to treat you or chose to be in this situation. You need to tell him to straighten up and he should listen to you. We should all be able to marry and have children with a complete bum and then they should automatically transform into who we want them to be! Just keep whining, maybe he'll change someday.


Well, MK, as I read what I just wrote, I personally don't think that will do her a bit of good. Sometimes when we think we need moral support, what we really need is a swift kick in the pants to get our heads screwed on straight.

--------------------
"You never really know a person until you divorce them."


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almostheaven
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Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
Re: In need of moral support... [Re: Tabitha]
      #87772 - 03/13/06 01:07 PM

Why is there no middle ground?

IE:

Mariah,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but back when you were first living with him and not buying groceries for weeks was the time to leave him quick and painlessly. Now that you have married him and proceeded to have two children with him, there will be nothing quick and painless about it.

So, what to do now? You cannot make him change. Stop giving him money for his toys and start saving your money. Save up as much as possible and hire a good lawyer and follow her advice. That's about all you can do. Oh, and, don't make the same mistake again. This is your LIFE we're talking about here. Each one of your choices effects the outcome. (I'm not saying to never get remarried, but be sure to make a good choice this time.) Other women have made it through worse situations before. You can do it. Good luck.

**************

The theory that you need to beat someone down in order to make them see the light is a poor theory.

--------------------
Char Fox


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Tabitha
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Reged: 06/02/05
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Re: In need of moral support... [Re: almostheaven]
      #87860 - 03/13/06 03:16 PM

Actually I'm a little confused about your post because I DO see middle ground in my post... not beating someone down.

I mean, this first paragraph is tough, but I'm not exactly beating her down... just stating a painful fact.

>>>>I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but back when you were first living with him and not buying groceries for weeks was the time to leave him quick and painlessly. Now that you have married him and proceeded to have two children with him, there will be nothing quick and painless about it. <<<<<<

And in this next paragraph, where exactly is the "beating down?"

>>>>So, what to do now? You cannot make him change. Stop giving him money for his toys and start saving your money. Save up as much as possible and hire a good lawyer and follow her advice. That's about all you can do. Oh, and, don't make the same mistake again. This is your LIFE we're talking about here. Each one of your choices effects the outcome. (I'm not saying to never get remarried, but be sure to make a good choice this time.) Other women have made it through worse situations before. You can do it. Good luck. <<<<

I see suggestions and yes, even encouragement, but no beating down. I submit that actually the last thing the original poster needs is someone to feel sorry for her in her situation. She needs some correction and encouragement, which is what I thought I gave. Pandering to her complaints about her husband aren't going to help her one bit.

--------------------
"You never really know a person until you divorce them."


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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
Re: In need of moral support... [Re: Tabitha]
      #88037 - 03/13/06 07:29 PM

When someone is feeling down about a situation, the "tough love" approach doesn't always work. It can for a minority of people. But tough love from someone you don't even know and have never met? Not usually. It simply makes them feel worse. The paragraphs above are the ones I edited, not the originals. The beating down was in the original reply with statements like:

you picked him
Stop whining
You made the poor decsions
no shacking up with someone just because it's easier or financially better

You don't know first off if she's been shacking up because it's easier or financially better or if she's ever brought boyfriends/husbands in and out of their lives. She's talking about one failed marriage. She tried to make a relationship work and made it worse by marrying him and having kids. But that's ONE mistake. From the way you tackled it, it sounds like she makes such mistakes on a regular basis. I just find it was very poorly worded to get someone to take notice. The wording is more likely to get someone to run away and not come back here, or to come back and tell you off. And THAT isn't going to help anyone.

--------------------
Char Fox


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ahsmom
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Reged: 02/20/06
Posts: 149
Re: In need of moral support... [Re: almostheaven]
      #89347 - 03/17/06 05:38 AM

This sounds like my sisters marriage except for the money issue. Because her dh controlled that too.
We've begged and begged her to leave him. He beat her down mentally for years, then suddenly she had some pride in herself and started living for her. But you know what she is still with him. 17 years now. She just has more control.
The only thing I agree with in the harsh post is that you can get out of this. Even if it means taking $10 a week and stashing it away in a sock. The only time I would say it is desperate is if he is beating you or the kids. He learned this from whatever man he had in his life- so if he had a father then the mother in law will understand. Can you talk to her? If not call a womans shelter- tell your employer when its all set up that you are in an abusive situation and will be moving to a shelter- they may be willing to do something like give you leave or whatever until the dust settles. Can't you get state assistance for the daughter who is autistic? Why not check into that.


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Muad_Dib
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Reged: 10/25/05
Posts: 199
Loc: Oregon
Re: In need of moral support... [Re: Tabitha]
      #109959 - 05/12/06 08:16 AM

Tabitha,
Stating a painful truth to most women IS "beating them down..."

--------------------
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. "Supernatural" is a null word.


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