MamaKitty
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/30/06
Posts: 1632
Loc: California
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I have just received a phone call from my youngest's tball coach- he called me. It's the 3rd time I've talked to him, but we've never met.
The first time was when I finally got his number from the BUMD. I called to ask why he had contacted him about Zs schedule and not me, as the BUMD told me he'd put my info down as CP. Coach said no, he put down his info, his phone with my address- said he was CP. Coach laughed when I said I thought he'd do that, that he was divorced and remarried himself, and that he understood a lot of things divorcing parents due since he's been coaching. He sounded nice, and talked for a minute about his divorce, custody, and 2wife.
I called him yesterday to ask when Zs schedule was going to be made. He said he was sorry I hadn't come to Zs practice, but he knew how difficult things are at the beginning of a divorce. Said he'd try to have a schedule ready by the next practice. Then he made some kind of comment about the BUMDs looks.... that he was surprised Z was so young because he looked so weather-beaten and had grey in his hair and beard. That made me laugh, and I said we're both the same age, but people have told me that lately. Then he said he thought the BUMD must have robbed the cradle to have such young kids when he looks so old...and that I sounded so young and energetic (I've had years worth of jobs that revolved around phones, so I must have had my 'phone voice' on), and then said he likes older women, and his wife is older. ??? And then offered that if I ever needed to talk, or needed advice about the divorce that I could call him or maybe go out for coffee. He said his wife is a nurse and they have opposite hours, so she knows he like to talk (or something like that.) I thought ??
So, he calls today and says he has the schedule all worked out, and if I'd like, he could bring it over to me. ??? Do coaches really do that? I told him it was no problem to pick it up at the next practice, but now I'm kind of thinking something's off. The BUMD will be at the practice, too, which he knows. Is my radar tweaking, or am I picking up on some future problem?
I've been with the BUMD for quite a while, and haven't had to deal with dating or friendships of the opposite sex for a long time.
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MamaKitty
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/30/06
Posts: 1632
Loc: California
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Hmmm. Well I guess nobody had an answer to my question.
That's ok, because I got an answer. I took Z to his game Thursday, and met said coach. Shook hands, that was it.
Sigh of relief.
Today I get a call from coach, telling me tomorrow's game is cancelled- mentions that the BUMD had already called him (which he told me) and said that Gs game was cancelled, and was asking if Zs was, too. The BUMD called me after he'd already talked to the coach, got mad because I said replying to his email wasn't an emergency... but I said I would show up for at least half of each boys games, and he said ok. Except that he'd already talked to Zs coach, said he'd cancelled Gs game, and was told Zs was cancelled, too. But he didn't tell me that either one of their games were cancelled. Have I said crazy? Whatever, freakazoid.
But.... then coach, who says he's been married 5 years, says he liked what he saw when I took Z for practice, and was wondering if I'd like to get together and talk with him sometime, because he's a lonely man, and his wife treats him like Tony Danza from 'Who's the Boss?'.......
Hoped he wasn't being too forward. Could there be any more forward? I told him we'd have plenty of time to talk at our kids baseball games, but that it was probably best for me to get this whole divorce thing behind me before I made it any more complicated.
What I wanted to say was... are you crazy? You're married- you know I'm married...
Whyowhy do I attract the loonies?
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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I heard a line on Oprah once....I can't remember who said it....
"If you see crazy coming....cross the street."
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MamaKitty
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/30/06
Posts: 1632
Loc: California
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Weirder?
I have it right here what time I talked to Zs coach.
Today, the BUMD is telling me that he talked to Zs coach, then, called him later and told him that he was cancelling the game. At that time Zs coach told him that he'd already called me.
Here's the problem. I only talked to the coach one time. At that time he says he'd already talked to the BUMD and they both had cancelled all games.
The BUMD says he called back later that night to cancel the games. But, said the coach mentioned he'd talked to me. SInce I'd already talked to the coach and been told that they'd already agreed to cancel the games, he's lying up the yinyang.
Here's the real timeline: BUMD calls coach. Tells coach he's cancelling Gs game. Coach says he's cancelling Zs game. Coach calls me, tells me BUMD called and cancelled, and that he's cancelling. BUMD calls coach again, and coach says he's already talked to me.
But... BUMD says none of the games are cancelled, and when I call today to say (as he didn't reply to his stupid email) are any of the games on, the BUMD tells me some big huge story about all the people he had to call, until 7:30 at night, and this and that... but.
Zs coach told me at 3PM yesterday that the BUMD called and told him Gs game was cancelled.
I said, is Zs coach a liar? He told me in the afternoon that you'd already cancelled.
He says.... we have a different concept of reality....
I said, yeah. I don't believe in lying. You're telling me that Zs coach lied. Should I call and tell him he's a liar?
He says, he'll call him. I said what for? A polygrapgh? He says, you're trying to get me kicked off as a coach on the league... I said, I never thought of that... but you are telling me that Zs coach lied, called me up and told me that you'd cancelled Gs game, and you're saying you didn't. Somebody's lying, right?
CLick. HE hangs up.
He has probably done this same thing a million times, where he has no idea that if he starts lying that reality won't back him up, and it's one of the biggest reasons I want to divorce him.
He lies about the most unimportant stupid things just as easily as the big important things.
And every time I'm stuck saying, why did you lie about that? There was nothing to lose... nothing to cover up... what was the point?
The point is, his mouth is not capable of telling the truth. I can't think of any other reason.
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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My ex is nuts...BPD with schitzo features, right? He lies all the time. I've learned that there's absolutely no purpose in attempting to reason with him, or in trying to "prove" him wrong. He's never wrong. He never lies. He never thinks of himself and no one else. The rest of the world is crazy. He is fine. If it "appears" that he is lying, then everyone else has made a mistake.
The biggest favor I ever did for myself is accept that I cannot change who he is...and that he will never be "normal." He isn't capable of seeing what everyone around him sees. I understand that he doesn't do it on purpose....that's just who he is.
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getnadivorce
old hand
Reged: 08/22/05
Posts: 791
Loc: Illinois
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Are you sure he is telling a lie? The reason I ask is that I think my stbx has bipolar and she will very often tell a story about something that happened and it is different then how I remember it. A few times she had said something in front of others and they later approached me and said that they did not remember it that way. I think it is the BPD.
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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The ex has "Borderline Personality Disorder," not Bi-Polar.
I don't really understand your question. Yes...I'm sure that what he says is often not the truth. The *why* of why he is not honest very often is complicated....but the bottom line is that it still causes problems in his everyday life.
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MamaKitty
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/30/06
Posts: 1632
Loc: California
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The real problem isn't so much trying to change him- I figured that one out a long time ago.
It's that I always seem to get thrown off balance by it. I should be used to it by not, but I'm not. And as for the why....? Who knows. He lies about absolutely stupid things, and then half the time blames it on me and says he had to lie because he didn't want to get in trouble. Which is crazy, because he wouldn't have gotten in trouble... except that now I'll be irritated at him for lying.
Yes, there's definitely something wrong with his head, because once he gets lying and I tell him the truth, what really happened, he always gets frustrated and says he's confused.
But there are times when I know he's flat-out lying on purpose, like when he's been smoking pot and I find it. Boy, you should hear those lies..... and that ends up being my fault too, somehow.
I really can't afford right now to just gloss over it, because I need to keep things fresh in my mind about why I want to push this divorce through......and then hopefully when it's over, I can start just ignoring it.
Sucks to have an ex with a personality disorder, hmmm? What other kinds of things does your ex do?
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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Oh goodness.....that would be a book and a half. I could break it down into chapters, I guess....
How it Effects Employers
How it Effects Social Contacts
How it Effects Extended Family
How it Effects Close Personal Relationships
How it Effects the Children
How it Effects Intimate Relationships
Essentially, he's very intensely clingy (which was "cool" when I was 19 because it meant he was like, totally "into" me...giggle, giggle)...and as soon as he feels spurned or like he's failed at something, he withdraws. He may withdraw physically, or just emotionally (like when he couldn't get off the couch for a few months). When there is a major change in his life, he wigs out. He might sink into a depression, develop a very flat affect, self-mutilate, have severe mania, attempt risk-taking behaviors, or a myriad of other things.
The first depressive episode I remember was right after we had our daughter and we moved into a bigger place. He was 22, and that's just about when the symptoms present. We were both working, but different shifts. I would come home for lunch, and find him lying on the couch in some kind of fugue, with the baby screaming in her crib...about 10 feet away. She hadn't been fed, changed or touched all day....probably about 5 or 6 hours worth. He couldn't remember when she started crying, but knew that she had been crying "for a while." I chalked it up to new parent stupidity, I guess....and allowed it to happen twice more before I hired a babysitter.
Then, he started with some bizarre behavior in social settings. He would experience "flight of ideas." So...a few people are talking about a sale at the mall, and someone says that they found a cool pair of red sneakers. The ex would talk very quickly and say something like, "Red sneakers are really cool, and I love red trucks. People should stop at red signs, and I had a friend once who had a red beach towel." But he would go on and on. It didn't happen often, just in really acute stages....but it's a conversation stopper, lemme tell ya.
He "sort of" attempted suicide a couple of times. People who have BPD might threaten or marginally attempt, without any real intention of completing the act. It's a ploy to suck people back into their lives, and it's usually very successful.
We would have months of really good times, but when something serious happened (good or bad), he would cycle down again. All of his symptoms built upon one another rather than replacing others, but they still came in cycles. So....when the self-mutilating started, he was also laying on the couch all day....having given up even feeble attempts at personal hygiene (I put that couch in the trash after he moved out)....was not caring for, or even watching the children....would not eat for several days...and oftentimes wouldn't speak for a week or more.
The self-mutilation started after our son was born. The proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back" was him heating up a paper clip with his lighter and burning things into his arms. I was working 80 hours a week, paying a babysitter to care for the kids while I worked, paying all of the household bills....you name it. In the meantime, I had every sharp thing we owned locked in my desk at work. I was a complete wreck and feeling guilty as hell for thinking bad things about him. Finally, I told him that he needed to get help or get out. He "didn't need to get help," so....there you have it.
The last night he was there, he was moping on the couch, again. He said he was going outside to smoke, and I was working in the kitchen. After about 45 minutes, I realized that he hadn't come back inside. I went outside and looked for him everywhere. No ex. Then, I found this drawing tablet on the couch, with his name and that day's date drawn on a headstone.....surrounded by pictures of ways to kill yourself. I flipped out and called the police. It took them about 30 minutes to find him....wandering in the field behind our house, dripping with blood. He spent the weekend in psychiatric intensive care and never came back to my house.
He had burned every possible bridge with his family and the majority of his friends...and I felt absolutely horrible about asking him to move out....but I just couldn't do it anymore. Once he realized that I was serious, he completely shut us off. He found a new girl in Virginia via the Internet, packed all of his belongings and moved there about 3 months later. He put her through a lot of the same things but to a more severe degree, and she and I became very close. Unfortunately, something was different there....and she committed suicide in January of 2005....right after he left her for another woman.
I could go on about this for hours, and I think this is long enough. But...that's a sampling of what it's like.
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MamaKitty
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/30/06
Posts: 1632
Loc: California
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I don't know exactly what to say about your post, other than to say I'm sorry, and I totally 'get it'.
Anf though you'd never wish it on anyone, it's nice to see that some people have experienced the same, and therefore understand when other people don't believe what you've been dealing with.
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