Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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Thanks. :-)
The suckiest part, by FAR, is that people who only have limited contact the the PD person don't ever *see* the problem. It wasn't until the ex went through a very complex custody evaluation that a professional said..."ummmm....Houston, we have a problem." I was like...."Thank YOU!"
A few people saw the self-injuries, and scratched their heads at it.....but shrugged it off and went,"well....that's odd....but he's been odd for a long time....oh well."
There for a little while, I was pretty sure that *I* was the crazy one. Thank goodness for my coworkers. It helps to work with a bunch of therapists.
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MamaKitty
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/30/06
Posts: 1632
Loc: California
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I do have to say it was helpful when I kicked him out a couple of years ago... that he kicked our front gate down, and then started yelling in the front yard that my girlfriend (Ree) and I were in a conspiracy with George Bush... (which the neighbors all saw)... and then chased down neighbors and told them I was having wild parties during the days.... and then came back later and had to be escorted out by a sherrif (we're in the county)... and he came back again and was cut off before coming back into the yard by the sherrif again...... my girlfriend got a dose of what I'd been dealing with... especially when the bratties started having nightmares every night because when he'd taken them for visitation he told them that their 'Aunt Ree' (actually their godmother) was trying to steal the house away from Daddy, and she was trying to steal them, too.
This time, he's gone to all the neihgbors and given them his new address and phone # (which I still don't have), and told them and their kids something pretty nasty about me, and told them to call him if they saw anything suspicious. Almost a year after he got kicked out I found out that it'd been circling among the neighbor kids that I had killed someone and gone to jail...!!
Since on Friday he got mad and said I should marry Ree, M and L, right after he said he wanted to get together, and last week told me I was a hypocritical money hungry b#tch who was just trying to bleed him dry although he hasn't contributed towards the bratties living expenses since December, and I haven't once asked him to, (I fully believe NCPs should provide CS of some amount at least until the divorce is over) I have a feeling it doesn't matter any more to me what people who only see his 'Mr Clean' image think of me refusing to let him come back.
I'll take all the blame if I have to. The sick part is that the BUMD is still telling the bratties I'm planning on marrying someone, while I've bit my tongue around them because even if their dad just did/said some unforgiveable cr@p, our kid don't need to hear it any more.
But, yeah- I'm planning on marrying my girfriend (even though she lives with her boyfriend in Sacramento.. and he (L) is the second person I'm always accused of supposedly getting married to.
The BUMD is mostly NPD I think, but with the comorbidity rate of BPD, it's likely he has both.... and among the BPD the only trait he didn't have with the suicide/cutting thing. But now I've realized his 'cutting' might have been different- namely scratching himself so hard he drew blood. He's so freaky about it (says everyone does it) that it would seem to be the same reasons as a cutter... that they feel dead, uncomfortable in their own skin, and anything- cutting, scratching, bulemia and anorexia will be both controlling and relieving, as it's been proven that BPD/NPDs have a hard time really feeling anything at all.
JMO
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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Well, I'm speechless!!!
Only thing that I can say is I'm sorry and stay strong.
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Debbie_L
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/06/05
Posts: 2031
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I've experienced it too. My ex has bpd also. What a nightmare. The rages were unbearable. He's still stalking me too, several months after I broke up with him. He changes from love to hate, and back again within 10 minutes or less sometimes. He has keyed my car, broken the railing on my balcony (trying to climb up it about a month after our breakup - scary), he wakes me up at 1 in the morning throwing stuff at my window because he wants to "talk" to me "just for a minute". I could go on and on. These people seriously spiral out of control when you try to break up with them. He stopped going to his job and lost that job. He talks about wanting to die all the time. He is a total mess. He cannot see that it's just a breakup - not the end of the world. I can't help or heal him. He never seeks out the real help that he needs - unfortunately, he just turns to illegal drugs and alcohol to make himself feel better (or so he thinks). He lied about that too. I didn't even find out about the cocaine until a couple years into our relationship.
I better sign off now, or I will write a novel. I'll just say, to anyone who is living with a person with a serious personality disorder, or has ever done so, you have my sympathy and understanding.
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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Thanks for that. :-) I could add a ton of crap to that....my bmom, the crack [censored]....my son's ALL diagnosis and treatment, grandma's renal carcinoma...and then some. But...you know....If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it.
I'm pretty good at dealing with him at this point....though the moments are still there. It's been 8 years since the divorce, and it cost me some big bucks to protect the kids....but it's worth the time and money.
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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It's nice to know that you aren't the crazy one, though. I swear...some days I felt like I was losing my mind.
I kept thinking...."What did I do NOW?"...or..."What am I missing?"...."Could this be my fault?"
It was very hard....harder than some people can appreciate, I think.
We should form a club or something...lol.
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MamaKitty
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/30/06
Posts: 1632
Loc: California
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All well and good, but after talking to my attorney today and being told none of his behaviour matters unless he's in jail, I feel like I got kicked in the teeth.
Maybe things are different in different states, but it seems I read so much complaining about how everything is so slanted towards women, and women get all the breaks/benefit of the doubt about everything.... but that seems to be the opposite of what I keep getting told. What was the whole point of working so hard by myself, having a crappy-ass time all these years, struggling to have things set up like 'normal' people and getting nowhere because 'he' didn't think it was important..... but, instead of it mattering that I was the only one doing it the whole time, 'he' just automatically gets preferential treatment when he didn't ever bother to value it before. It goes against everything my parents taught me about doing things the right way.... there was at least the implication that doing the right thing would bring some reward, and not that later some other party would come in and redistribute things in a way that doesn't reflect who had actually put in all the effort.... just hand things out with no respect for who refused to do the work and who was responsible.
It's like re-writing the old story of the Little Red Hen... where she plants the grain, waters it, harvests it, grinds it, makes bread out of it- and all along she's asked the dog and the pig, and the turkey and the cat for help, and they refuse to do any of the work. But she bakes it and gives it to her chicks. In real life, at the end, the bread would get taken away from her be and given to the ones who wouldn't help her, and if she asked... how exactly is this helping my chicks? She'd be told that isn't the point, and it has nothing to do with effort, or even about trying to even things out and make them 'fair'. No, it'll be that regardless of facts, they'll be given the benefit of the doubt that all animals help when asked, and not only that- it'll be a given that they know how to make bread even though they never have. In fact in this story, it would be more like they would be given the Hen's oven, too.
At what point is it really about 'the best interests of the child', and at what point is it just a little bit of politically correct backlash? Why is it ok to say an ex shouldn't get any money if they didn't contribute in some way to making some....but it's not ok to say an ex shouldn't get any custody if they haven't ever provided any child-rearing, and obviously aren't capable of it? Money is an inanimate object...and a kid isn't.
Arghhhh... I haven't had enough time to think about this, so I'd better shut up.
c
Edited by MamaKitty (03/20/06 07:40 PM)
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MamaKitty
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/30/06
Posts: 1632
Loc: California
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Not that I would ever wish dealing with a BPD on anyone, but it's about the only thing that's helped me deal so far... hearing from other people who completely understand. And yes, who know how whacked it is and how it does make you think you're a little crazy because it makes no sense.
The only thing harder than figuring that out is figuring out exactly WHO would be able to cope with that... what kind of person who could be martyr enough- or maybe disturbed enough that it could seem 'normal' to them.
It is even weirder that he's acting so whacko about all of this considering it's clear once again that this was all a game, and he doesn't really think we're going to divorce- this was just another 'situation' he manufactured because he got mad at me... and he really thinks after all that's been done this time that I'm going to agree and go back to square one. That has to be a sure sign someone's crazy- that they'd file for divorce, get the ball rolling, lose all the money... and then think it's a normal way to get the upper hand in an argument.
Sometimes it's just not possible to explain what life is like with someone who has a personality disorder.....which is why it's so helpful to hear other people's stories, even though you feel so sorry that anyone else ever has had to go through that.
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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I'm sorry the meeting with the attorney didn't go so hot.
Does he have any recommendations for something you can do? What does s/he think the outcome looks like?
I have sole custody of my kids, but it took a lot of legwork and a fair amount of cash, even though my attorney charges me WAY less. I had to pay out-of-pocket for all of the evaluations/tests because they ex didn't agree to them, but it was money well spent.
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MamaKitty
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 01/30/06
Posts: 1632
Loc: California
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Obviously I can push the personality disorder angle, and the anger management problem. I would like to not have to do that. My attorney is already bringing that up with regards to refusing the request for 50/50, in her letter to the BUMDs atorney. I wish he would just agree to do some variation of what we're already doing... I would agree on a higher level, even 20/80, to cut his support down, if he would just agree to do what he's capable of. Like my attorney told me yesterday- none of this is permanent at all (why even have COs, I think), so the arrangement could be tweaked if we both agreed. He could either continue some variation of the present 3 evening a week, where he's not forced to try to do overnights, or cut it back to a standard 1 evening a week, EOW... but he'd see them less. It's too bad he's approached it this way, as I can be a perfectly reasonable person who could be very flexible about letting him take them to family events regardless of whose days they fall on, or I can follow a CO and say sorry, not your parenting time. His choice, I guess.
It's ironic that it's come to this point, as many of our conflicts over the years has been about his poor parenting skills, his anger issues, and his role as a fulltime father. Everyone who knows us has said he's never acted like anything more than a 'weekend dad', like we were already divorced. It's possible the last time we were divorcing I could have gotten full custody, as he wasn't asking for much, and was pretty emotionally unstable. I kick myself everyday that I gave him another chance, only to get letdown again, and now stuck in an ugly mess.
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