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MamaKitty
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Something weird?
      #88751 - 03/15/06 01:49 PM

I have just received a phone call from my youngest's tball coach- he called me. It's the 3rd time I've talked to him, but we've never met.

The first time was when I finally got his number from the BUMD. I called to ask why he had contacted him about Zs schedule and not me, as the BUMD told me he'd put my info down as CP. Coach said no, he put down his info, his phone with my address- said he was CP. Coach laughed when I said I thought he'd do that, that he was divorced and remarried himself, and that he understood a lot of things divorcing parents due since he's been coaching. He sounded nice, and talked for a minute about his divorce, custody, and 2wife.

I called him yesterday to ask when Zs schedule was going to be made. He said he was sorry I hadn't come to Zs practice, but he knew how difficult things are at the beginning of a divorce. Said he'd try to have a schedule ready by the next practice. Then he made some kind of comment about the BUMDs looks.... that he was surprised Z was so young because he looked so weather-beaten and had grey in his hair and beard. That made me laugh, and I said we're both the same age, but people have told me that lately. Then he said he thought the BUMD must have robbed the cradle to have such young kids when he looks so old...and that I sounded so young and energetic (I've had years worth of jobs that revolved around phones, so I must have had my 'phone voice' on), and then said he likes older women, and his wife is older. ??? And then offered that if I ever needed to talk, or needed advice about the divorce that I could call him or maybe go out for coffee. He said his wife is a nurse and they have opposite hours, so she knows he like to talk (or something like that.) I thought ??

So, he calls today and says he has the schedule all worked out, and if I'd like, he could bring it over to me. ??? Do coaches really do that? I told him it was no problem to pick it up at the next practice, but now I'm kind of thinking something's off. The BUMD will be at the practice, too, which he knows. Is my radar tweaking, or am I picking up on some future problem?
I've been with the BUMD for quite a while, and haven't had to deal with dating or friendships of the opposite sex for a long time.

c


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MamaKitty
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Re: Something weird? [Re: MamaKitty]
      #89805 - 03/17/06 09:30 PM

Hmmm. Well I guess nobody had an answer to my question.

That's ok, because I got an answer. I took Z to his game Thursday, and met said coach. Shook hands, that was it.
Sigh of relief.

Today I get a call from coach, telling me tomorrow's game is cancelled- mentions that the BUMD had already called him (which he told me) and said that Gs game was cancelled, and was asking if Zs was, too. The BUMD called me after he'd already talked to the coach, got mad because I said replying to his email wasn't an emergency... but I said I would show up for at least half of each boys games, and he said ok. Except that he'd already talked to Zs coach, said he'd cancelled Gs game, and was told Zs was cancelled, too. But he didn't tell me that either one of their games were cancelled. Have I said crazy? Whatever, freakazoid.

But.... then coach, who says he's been married 5 years, says he liked what he saw when I took Z for practice, and was wondering if I'd like to get together and talk with him sometime, because he's a lonely man, and his wife treats him like Tony Danza from 'Who's the Boss?'.......

Hoped he wasn't being too forward. Could there be any more forward? I told him we'd have plenty of time to talk at our kids baseball games, but that it was probably best for me to get this whole divorce thing behind me before I made it any more complicated.

What I wanted to say was... are you crazy? You're married- you know I'm married...

Whyowhy do I attract the loonies?

c


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Rebecca5
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Re: Something weird? [Re: MamaKitty]
      #89815 - 03/17/06 09:43 PM

I heard a line on Oprah once....I can't remember who said it....

"If you see crazy coming....cross the street."


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MamaKitty
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Re: Something weird? [Re: Rebecca5]
      #89985 - 03/18/06 12:51 PM

Weirder?

I have it right here what time I talked to Zs coach.

Today, the BUMD is telling me that he talked to Zs coach, then, called him later and told him that he was cancelling the game. At that time Zs coach told him that he'd already called me.

Here's the problem. I only talked to the coach one time. At that time he says he'd already talked to the BUMD and they both had cancelled all games.

The BUMD says he called back later that night to cancel the games. But, said the coach mentioned he'd talked to me. SInce I'd already talked to the coach and been told that they'd already agreed to cancel the games, he's lying up the yinyang.

Here's the real timeline: BUMD calls coach. Tells coach he's cancelling Gs game. Coach says he's cancelling Zs game. Coach calls me, tells me BUMD called and cancelled, and that he's cancelling. BUMD calls coach again, and coach says he's already talked to me.

But... BUMD says none of the games are cancelled, and when I call today to say (as he didn't reply to his stupid email) are any of the games on, the BUMD tells me some big huge story about all the people he had to call, until 7:30 at night, and this and that... but.
Zs coach told me at 3PM yesterday that the BUMD called and told him Gs game was cancelled.

I said, is Zs coach a liar? He told me in the afternoon that you'd already cancelled.
He says.... we have a different concept of reality....
I said, yeah. I don't believe in lying. You're telling me that Zs coach lied. Should I call and tell him he's a liar?
He says, he'll call him. I said what for? A polygrapgh? He says, you're trying to get me kicked off as a coach on the league... I said, I never thought of that... but you are telling me that Zs coach lied, called me up and told me that you'd cancelled Gs game, and you're saying you didn't. Somebody's lying, right?
CLick. HE hangs up.

He has probably done this same thing a million times, where he has no idea that if he starts lying that reality won't back him up, and it's one of the biggest reasons I want to divorce him.

He lies about the most unimportant stupid things just as easily as the big important things.

And every time I'm stuck saying, why did you lie about that? There was nothing to lose... nothing to cover up... what was the point?

The point is, his mouth is not capable of telling the truth. I can't think of any other reason.

c


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Rebecca5
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Re: Something weird? [Re: MamaKitty]
      #89989 - 03/18/06 01:01 PM

My ex is nuts...BPD with schitzo features, right? He lies all the time. I've learned that there's absolutely no purpose in attempting to reason with him, or in trying to "prove" him wrong. He's never wrong. He never lies. He never thinks of himself and no one else. The rest of the world is crazy. He is fine. If it "appears" that he is lying, then everyone else has made a mistake.

The biggest favor I ever did for myself is accept that I cannot change who he is...and that he will never be "normal." He isn't capable of seeing what everyone around him sees. I understand that he doesn't do it on purpose....that's just who he is.


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getnadivorce
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Re: Something weird? [Re: Rebecca5]
      #90141 - 03/18/06 08:00 PM

Are you sure he is telling a lie? The reason I ask is that I think my stbx has bipolar and she will very often tell a story about something that happened and it is different then how I remember it. A few times she had said something in front of others and they later approached me and said that they did not remember it that way. I think it is the BPD.

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Rebecca5
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Re: Something weird? [Re: getnadivorce]
      #90146 - 03/18/06 08:05 PM

The ex has "Borderline Personality Disorder," not Bi-Polar.

I don't really understand your question. Yes...I'm sure that what he says is often not the truth. The *why* of why he is not honest very often is complicated....but the bottom line is that it still causes problems in his everyday life.


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MamaKitty
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Re: Something weird? [Re: Rebecca5]
      #90333 - 03/19/06 12:10 AM

The real problem isn't so much trying to change him- I figured that one out a long time ago.

It's that I always seem to get thrown off balance by it. I should be used to it by not, but I'm not. And as for the why....? Who knows. He lies about absolutely stupid things, and then half the time blames it on me and says he had to lie because he didn't want to get in trouble. Which is crazy, because he wouldn't have gotten in trouble... except that now I'll be irritated at him for lying.

Yes, there's definitely something wrong with his head, because once he gets lying and I tell him the truth, what really happened, he always gets frustrated and says he's confused.

But there are times when I know he's flat-out lying on purpose, like when he's been smoking pot and I find it. Boy, you should hear those lies..... and that ends up being my fault too, somehow.

I really can't afford right now to just gloss over it, because I need to keep things fresh in my mind about why I want to push this divorce through......and then hopefully when it's over, I can start just ignoring it.

Sucks to have an ex with a personality disorder, hmmm? What other kinds of things does your ex do?

c


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Rebecca5
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Re: Something weird? [Re: MamaKitty]
      #90362 - 03/19/06 09:50 AM

Oh goodness.....that would be a book and a half. I could break it down into chapters, I guess....

How it Effects Employers
How it Effects Social Contacts
How it Effects Extended Family
How it Effects Close Personal Relationships
How it Effects the Children
How it Effects Intimate Relationships

Essentially, he's very intensely clingy (which was "cool" when I was 19 because it meant he was like, totally "into" me...giggle, giggle)...and as soon as he feels spurned or like he's failed at something, he withdraws. He may withdraw physically, or just emotionally (like when he couldn't get off the couch for a few months). When there is a major change in his life, he wigs out. He might sink into a depression, develop a very flat affect, self-mutilate, have severe mania, attempt risk-taking behaviors, or a myriad of other things.

The first depressive episode I remember was right after we had our daughter and we moved into a bigger place. He was 22, and that's just about when the symptoms present. We were both working, but different shifts. I would come home for lunch, and find him lying on the couch in some kind of fugue, with the baby screaming in her crib...about 10 feet away. She hadn't been fed, changed or touched all day....probably about 5 or 6 hours worth. He couldn't remember when she started crying, but knew that she had been crying "for a while." I chalked it up to new parent stupidity, I guess....and allowed it to happen twice more before I hired a babysitter.

Then, he started with some bizarre behavior in social settings. He would experience "flight of ideas." So...a few people are talking about a sale at the mall, and someone says that they found a cool pair of red sneakers. The ex would talk very quickly and say something like, "Red sneakers are really cool, and I love red trucks. People should stop at red signs, and I had a friend once who had a red beach towel." But he would go on and on. It didn't happen often, just in really acute stages....but it's a conversation stopper, lemme tell ya.

He "sort of" attempted suicide a couple of times. People who have BPD might threaten or marginally attempt, without any real intention of completing the act. It's a ploy to suck people back into their lives, and it's usually very successful.

We would have months of really good times, but when something serious happened (good or bad), he would cycle down again. All of his symptoms built upon one another rather than replacing others, but they still came in cycles. So....when the self-mutilating started, he was also laying on the couch all day....having given up even feeble attempts at personal hygiene (I put that couch in the trash after he moved out)....was not caring for, or even watching the children....would not eat for several days...and oftentimes wouldn't speak for a week or more.

The self-mutilation started after our son was born. The proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back" was him heating up a paper clip with his lighter and burning things into his arms. I was working 80 hours a week, paying a babysitter to care for the kids while I worked, paying all of the household bills....you name it. In the meantime, I had every sharp thing we owned locked in my desk at work. I was a complete wreck and feeling guilty as hell for thinking bad things about him. Finally, I told him that he needed to get help or get out. He "didn't need to get help," so....there you have it.

The last night he was there, he was moping on the couch, again. He said he was going outside to smoke, and I was working in the kitchen. After about 45 minutes, I realized that he hadn't come back inside. I went outside and looked for him everywhere. No ex. Then, I found this drawing tablet on the couch, with his name and that day's date drawn on a headstone.....surrounded by pictures of ways to kill yourself. I flipped out and called the police. It took them about 30 minutes to find him....wandering in the field behind our house, dripping with blood. He spent the weekend in psychiatric intensive care and never came back to my house.

He had burned every possible bridge with his family and the majority of his friends...and I felt absolutely horrible about asking him to move out....but I just couldn't do it anymore. Once he realized that I was serious, he completely shut us off. He found a new girl in Virginia via the Internet, packed all of his belongings and moved there about 3 months later. He put her through a lot of the same things but to a more severe degree, and she and I became very close. Unfortunately, something was different there....and she committed suicide in January of 2005....right after he left her for another woman.

I could go on about this for hours, and I think this is long enough. But...that's a sampling of what it's like.


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MamaKitty
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Re: Something weird? [Re: Rebecca5]
      #90370 - 03/19/06 11:43 AM

I don't know exactly what to say about your post, other than to say I'm sorry, and I totally 'get it'.

Anf though you'd never wish it on anyone, it's nice to see that some people have experienced the same, and therefore understand when other people don't believe what you've been dealing with.
c


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Rebecca5
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Re: Something weird? [Re: MamaKitty]
      #90379 - 03/19/06 12:03 PM

Thanks. :-)

The suckiest part, by FAR, is that people who only have limited contact the the PD person don't ever *see* the problem. It wasn't until the ex went through a very complex custody evaluation that a professional said..."ummmm....Houston, we have a problem." I was like...."Thank YOU!"

A few people saw the self-injuries, and scratched their heads at it.....but shrugged it off and went,"well....that's odd....but he's been odd for a long time....oh well."

There for a little while, I was pretty sure that *I* was the crazy one. Thank goodness for my coworkers. It helps to work with a bunch of therapists.


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MamaKitty
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Re: Something weird? [Re: Rebecca5]
      #90462 - 03/19/06 03:24 PM

I do have to say it was helpful when I kicked him out a couple of years ago... that he kicked our front gate down, and then started yelling in the front yard that my girlfriend (Ree) and I were in a conspiracy with George Bush... (which the neighbors all saw)... and then chased down neighbors and told them I was having wild parties during the days.... and then came back later and had to be escorted out by a sherrif (we're in the county)... and he came back again and was cut off before coming back into the yard by the sherrif again...... my girlfriend got a dose of what I'd been dealing with... especially when the bratties started having nightmares every night because when he'd taken them for visitation he told them that their 'Aunt Ree' (actually their godmother) was trying to steal the house away from Daddy, and she was trying to steal them, too.

This time, he's gone to all the neihgbors and given them his new address and phone # (which I still don't have), and told them and their kids something pretty nasty about me, and told them to call him if they saw anything suspicious. Almost a year after he got kicked out I found out that it'd been circling among the neighbor kids that I had killed someone and gone to jail...!!
Since on Friday he got mad and said I should marry Ree, M and L, right after he said he wanted to get together, and last week told me I was a hypocritical money hungry b#tch who was just trying to bleed him dry although he hasn't contributed towards the bratties living expenses since December, and I haven't once asked him to, (I fully believe NCPs should provide CS of some amount at least until the divorce is over) I have a feeling it doesn't matter any more to me what people who only see his 'Mr Clean' image think of me refusing to let him come back.

I'll take all the blame if I have to. The sick part is that the BUMD is still telling the bratties I'm planning on marrying someone, while I've bit my tongue around them because even if their dad just did/said some unforgiveable cr@p, our kid don't need to hear it any more.
But, yeah- I'm planning on marrying my girfriend (even though she lives with her boyfriend in Sacramento.. and he (L) is the second person I'm always accused of supposedly getting married to.

The BUMD is mostly NPD I think, but with the comorbidity rate of BPD, it's likely he has both.... and among the BPD the only trait he didn't have with the suicide/cutting thing. But now I've realized his 'cutting' might have been different- namely scratching himself so hard he drew blood. He's so freaky about it (says everyone does it) that it would seem to be the same reasons as a cutter... that they feel dead, uncomfortable in their own skin, and anything- cutting, scratching, bulemia and anorexia will be both controlling and relieving, as it's been proven that BPD/NPDs have a hard time really feeling anything at all.

JMO

c


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Buckeye
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Re: Something weird? [Re: Rebecca5]
      #90644 - 03/19/06 05:27 PM

Well, I'm speechless!!!

Only thing that I can say is I'm sorry and stay strong.


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Debbie_L
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Re: Something weird? [Re: MamaKitty]
      #91066 - 03/20/06 02:42 PM

I've experienced it too. My ex has bpd also. What a nightmare. The rages were unbearable. He's still stalking me too, several months after I broke up with him. He changes from love to hate, and back again within 10 minutes or less sometimes. He has keyed my car, broken the railing on my balcony (trying to climb up it about a month after our breakup - scary), he wakes me up at 1 in the morning throwing stuff at my window because he wants to "talk" to me "just for a minute". I could go on and on. These people seriously spiral out of control when you try to break up with them. He stopped going to his job and lost that job. He talks about wanting to die all the time. He is a total mess. He cannot see that it's just a breakup - not the end of the world. I can't help or heal him. He never seeks out the real help that he needs - unfortunately, he just turns to illegal drugs and alcohol to make himself feel better (or so he thinks). He lied about that too. I didn't even find out about the cocaine until a couple years into our relationship.

I better sign off now, or I will write a novel. I'll just say, to anyone who is living with a person with a serious personality disorder, or has ever done so, you have my sympathy and understanding.


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Rebecca5
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Re: Something weird? [Re: Buckeye]
      #91074 - 03/20/06 02:55 PM

Thanks for that. :-) I could add a ton of crap to that....my bmom, the crack [censored]....my son's ALL diagnosis and treatment, grandma's renal carcinoma...and then some. But...you know....If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it.

I'm pretty good at dealing with him at this point....though the moments are still there. It's been 8 years since the divorce, and it cost me some big bucks to protect the kids....but it's worth the time and money.


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Rebecca5
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Re: Something weird? [Re: Debbie_L]
      #91076 - 03/20/06 03:00 PM

It's nice to know that you aren't the crazy one, though. I swear...some days I felt like I was losing my mind.

I kept thinking...."What did I do NOW?"...or..."What am I missing?"...."Could this be my fault?"

It was very hard....harder than some people can appreciate, I think.

We should form a club or something...lol.


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MamaKitty
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Re: Something weird? [Re: Rebecca5]
      #91124 - 03/20/06 04:11 PM

All well and good, but after talking to my attorney today and being told none of his behaviour matters unless he's in jail, I feel like I got kicked in the teeth.
Maybe things are different in different states, but it seems I read so much complaining about how everything is so slanted towards women, and women get all the breaks/benefit of the doubt about everything.... but that seems to be the opposite of what I keep getting told. What was the whole point of working so hard by myself, having a crappy-ass time all these years, struggling to have things set up like 'normal' people and getting nowhere because 'he' didn't think it was important..... but, instead of it mattering that I was the only one doing it the whole time, 'he' just automatically gets preferential treatment when he didn't ever bother to value it before. It goes against everything my parents taught me about doing things the right way.... there was at least the implication that doing the right thing would bring some reward, and not that later some other party would come in and redistribute things in a way that doesn't reflect who had actually put in all the effort.... just hand things out with no respect for who refused to do the work and who was responsible.

It's like re-writing the old story of the Little Red Hen... where she plants the grain, waters it, harvests it, grinds it, makes bread out of it- and all along she's asked the dog and the pig, and the turkey and the cat for help, and they refuse to do any of the work. But she bakes it and gives it to her chicks. In real life, at the end, the bread would get taken away from her be and given to the ones who wouldn't help her, and if she asked... how exactly is this helping my chicks? She'd be told that isn't the point, and it has nothing to do with effort, or even about trying to even things out and make them 'fair'. No, it'll be that regardless of facts, they'll be given the benefit of the doubt that all animals help when asked, and not only that- it'll be a given that they know how to make bread even though they never have. In fact in this story, it would be more like they would be given the Hen's oven, too.

At what point is it really about 'the best interests of the child', and at what point is it just a little bit of politically correct backlash? Why is it ok to say an ex shouldn't get any money if they didn't contribute in some way to making some....but it's not ok to say an ex shouldn't get any custody if they haven't ever provided any child-rearing, and obviously aren't capable of it? Money is an inanimate object...and a kid isn't.

Arghhhh... I haven't had enough time to think about this, so I'd better shut up.

c

Edited by MamaKitty (03/20/06 07:40 PM)


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MamaKitty
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Re: Something weird? [Re: Debbie_L]
      #91254 - 03/20/06 08:06 PM

Not that I would ever wish dealing with a BPD on anyone, but it's about the only thing that's helped me deal so far... hearing from other people who completely understand. And yes, who know how whacked it is and how it does make you think you're a little crazy because it makes no sense.
The only thing harder than figuring that out is figuring out exactly WHO would be able to cope with that... what kind of person who could be martyr enough- or maybe disturbed enough that it could seem 'normal' to them.

It is even weirder that he's acting so whacko about all of this considering it's clear once again that this was all a game, and he doesn't really think we're going to divorce- this was just another 'situation' he manufactured because he got mad at me... and he really thinks after all that's been done this time that I'm going to agree and go back to square one. That has to be a sure sign someone's crazy- that they'd file for divorce, get the ball rolling, lose all the money... and then think it's a normal way to get the upper hand in an argument.

Sometimes it's just not possible to explain what life is like with someone who has a personality disorder.....which is why it's so helpful to hear other people's stories, even though you feel so sorry that anyone else ever has had to go through that.

c


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Rebecca5
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Re: Something weird? [Re: MamaKitty]
      #91406 - 03/21/06 10:35 AM

I'm sorry the meeting with the attorney didn't go so hot.

Does he have any recommendations for something you can do? What does s/he think the outcome looks like?

I have sole custody of my kids, but it took a lot of legwork and a fair amount of cash, even though my attorney charges me WAY less. I had to pay out-of-pocket for all of the evaluations/tests because they ex didn't agree to them, but it was money well spent.


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MamaKitty
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Re: Something weird? [Re: Rebecca5]
      #91483 - 03/21/06 01:55 PM

Obviously I can push the personality disorder angle, and the anger management problem. I would like to not have to do that. My attorney is already bringing that up with regards to refusing the request for 50/50, in her letter to the BUMDs atorney. I wish he would just agree to do some variation of what we're already doing... I would agree on a higher level, even 20/80, to cut his support down, if he would just agree to do what he's capable of. Like my attorney told me yesterday- none of this is permanent at all (why even have COs, I think), so the arrangement could be tweaked if we both agreed. He could either continue some variation of the present 3 evening a week, where he's not forced to try to do overnights, or cut it back to a standard 1 evening a week, EOW... but he'd see them less. It's too bad he's approached it this way, as I can be a perfectly reasonable person who could be very flexible about letting him take them to family events regardless of whose days they fall on, or I can follow a CO and say sorry, not your parenting time. His choice, I guess.
It's ironic that it's come to this point, as many of our conflicts over the years has been about his poor parenting skills, his anger issues, and his role as a fulltime father. Everyone who knows us has said he's never acted like anything more than a 'weekend dad', like we were already divorced. It's possible the last time we were divorcing I could have gotten full custody, as he wasn't asking for much, and was pretty emotionally unstable. I kick myself everyday that I gave him another chance, only to get letdown again, and now stuck in an ugly mess.

c


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Rebecca5
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Re: Something weird? [Re: MamaKitty]
      #91492 - 03/21/06 02:06 PM

Do you feel like your children are at risk for harm when they're with their father?

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MamaKitty
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Re: Something weird? [Re: Rebecca5]
      #91505 - 03/21/06 02:33 PM

I think I'm more afraid of the harm he does mentally. While he does act out physically in anger, which has left bruises, it's more the things he does and says when he rages that concern me. Things like telling our oldest that it's his fault the BUMD and I argue, that they 'ruin everything', that they've ruined our lives.... generally things that would make anyone feel bad about themselves. Besides the fact that it's freakish to have some look like a madman and scream an inch from your face.
Yes, I have no doubt eventually one of them will get hurt, especially if they act defiant towards him, or that they could get hurt because he makes poor judgement calls and is distracted easily, meaning often he's neglectful....and they have been injured when he allows them to do things children their age wouldn't normally be allowed to do (think the 'jackass' movie) but mostly I don't think they should have to get used to being verbally/mentally/emotionally abused. You can't ever tell what will push one of his buttons and turn him into jeckle/hyde, or what hurtful thing he'll say. When he was here and freaked out on one of the bratties, if I defended them (and who wouldn't?), they could expect to be screamed at that it was their fault our marriage was failing. His concepts of discipline are screwy, and a lot of the things he does are things that push the children to be physical towards him....which has scared me for a while, considering they will be very tall/big people, and while I'm 5'6", I only weigh 100lbs. Soon they'll outweigh me, and I don't want them to react physically towards me when I discipline them. I don't like the message he puts out that whoever is bigger/stronger wins, or is right.

He has always scared me when he's raging, and I can't tell why really. It's not that he hits me, it's more that I feel he's pushing me as far as he can until I will be forced to hit him, if that makes any sense. And then who knows what would happen. He does have very aggressive body language, and has prevented me from leaving by blocking my way. 2 years ago the police were called during one of his rampages and he was told that I could have him arrested for false imprisonment, but he didn't ever seem to get what was wrong with it, and has done it since.

So I don't know... am I afraid he'll harm them? Yes, he already has. Am I afraid it will be physical? I don't know. That's the problem, not knowing.

c


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Rebecca5
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Re: Something weird? [Re: MamaKitty]
      #91613 - 03/21/06 04:53 PM

So...yes.

This is what made the decision for me: My children were at risk. That's all that mattered. It wasn't the amount of risk or type of risk...but that someone could/would/had hurt my babies. If my kids were going to walk into on-coming traffic, would I do something to stop it?

So...I had to decide if there was ANYthing I could do with him in the house. We had a whole system of success and failures.....and if HE failed, I felt like *I* failed. THAT sucked! It took me a while to understand that the only person responsible for his success and failure was him. As much as I wanted our family to work, I was the only one working on it. I do understand that his illness keeps him from success, but I just couldn't risk it any longer. Jeesh....I felt like I was playing Russian Roulette every freakin day. I couldn't stand it....I had ulcers, I was going broke, my kids were stressed.....it was horrible.

I don't know what the right thing is for anyone else, but I *can* tell you that I am happier now than I had been for years. My kids are happy, safe, successful....whew. Do I wish that he was the dad that my kids deserve? Yes. But he's not, and I can't do anything about him...other than teach the kids how to cope with him.


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Debbie_L
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Re: Something weird? [Re: Rebecca5]
      #92106 - 03/22/06 02:39 PM

Oh Mamakitty,

I am so sorry for you and your children, and what they are going through. It is so terrifying to have a grown man raging at you. I am not sure if you've said before, but if they aren't already in counselling it may be helpful to start.

My daughter was terrified to be left alone with my bpd ex because he would often take out his unreasonable anger/rage on her. I would try to defend her when I was there, but when alone she was at his mercy. I have a lot of guilt over bringing this into her life. Thankfully, she never has to be alone with him again (he's not her father, thank goodness). I am so grateful that I never had any kids with him - they would have been so screwed up.

Once again, I am so sorry for your situation, and believe me I totally "get it". I wish that your children never had to be left alone with him. It must torture you emotionally to think of what may be happening to them at any time when they are with him.

All my best to you and your kids.


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MamaKitty
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Reged: 01/30/06
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Re: Something weird? [Re: Debbie_L]
      #92109 - 03/22/06 02:45 PM

Well it didn't make me feel any better yesterday when the baby brattie said he wished daddy and I would live together again.... I said, isn't it nice to not have so much yelling around here? He said yeah, but it wasn't really fair that he still yells at him and his brother. Sniff.
It's hard on them because the BUMD balances it by buying them some new toy every time he sees them. Pretty dang manipulative

What I do worry about is that if we go into the mediation, and they start asking the bratties questions (considering I'm now taking care of everything for them, so theres no rages of brushing hair, brushing teeth, wet beds, blahbla..) they might have softened in their opinion about custody, especially with the disneyland every day thing going on....

c


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