aussie928
old hand
Reged: 10/29/04
Posts: 969
Loc: Dallas
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G'day mates. Have a scenario I want to present to you and want all the input you can give me. Your thoughts...do you have concerns with this...etc....so here we go.
You have a 7 year old female child. Parents have bad marriage but both "appear" to be good parents. The wee one has ADHD with ODD...appears to have a closer relationship with mum then with dad but a good relationship with both none the less. During the marriage this wee one has NEVER slept the entire night through...has bad dreams and wakes up all night long. During the process of divorce it comes to light that the father is heavily into porn (not child but teen porn) and views this all bloody day long even when the child was in his care but he swears the wee one never saw it. He is also a closet drinker but a heavy drinker at that. It also came to light that the bloke had on only one occasion each, choked the child and threw her to the ground. The wee one doesnt talk much and never discusses her father but doesnt appear to have any problems going with him during visitation.
They have been separated for 6 months and since the day dad moved out this wee one has slept all night through. Is this just that this wee one is now comfortable and feels no tension or should there be additional concerns here.
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sparky
enthusiast
Reged: 11/16/04
Posts: 289
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Was she left with dad alone alot or at all?
I would be concerned with situations I had no knowledge when she was alone with dad.
Something isn't right in this scenario.
I assume the little girl is in counseling for her ADHD and ODD. Medication?
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aussie928
old hand
Reged: 10/29/04
Posts: 969
Loc: Dallas
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Thanks for your response Sparky. Yes the wee one is on medication and has been for years. All reports from school are that she is making progress by leaps and bounds. When the parents resided together the father would pick the wee one up from school and be alone with her from say 330 to almost 6. The wee one is now enrolled in an after school program right on the school premises that allows her constant interaction with other students and also teachers are there to help with homework until the mother picks her up. This is costign the mother more then standard day care but she feels her wee one needs this. I guess the reason I wnat your input is to see if this is a normal change or there should be some concern that perhaps certain things went on that shouldnt.
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mnkybtlr
journeyman
Reged: 11/02/04
Posts: 59
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Hi Aussie, I don't think I have ever been able to offer any insight on this board yet, but this is a subject I do have some knowledge of.
My 14 year old daughter has been diagnossed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom due to her relationship with her abusive father. They seemed to have a fine relationship while he was still able to influence and dominate her but once I had him removed from our home and my daughter got into counseling, things started to come to light that helped my daughter start dealing with her issues rather than hide them away. although my daughter had an on the surface good relationship with her father, now that she sees what was actually going on she has no contact with him at all and is doing so much better. We saw similar issues with my middle son, but to a lesser degree, but he is now sleeping all night, not lying, a number of other things that have corrected since the father is out of the house and does not have day to day influence. I know you are a huge advocate of kids needing both parents but there are some situations where the child is not better with both. If you want any further details feel free to PM me.
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sparky
enthusiast
Reged: 11/16/04
Posts: 289
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Request the evaluation during custody and divorce proceedings.
I am a big pusher of this since I researched it, knowing I would not be in the battles I am if my crappy atty. had informed me of evaluations 2.5 yrs. ago.
Definately there is an issue between her and dad.
I think the PTS Syndrome mentioned is a definate problem to look into.
I think the
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aussie928
old hand
Reged: 10/29/04
Posts: 969
Loc: Dallas
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Thank you so much luv for your response. Yes I am a huge advocate of doing what is best for the wee one not what is best for the parent. In the best of situations both parents are the best and it racks me off when one uses the wee one. What I dont belive is having both parents just for the sake of having both parents.
It is very interesting that you make the comment about lying as this wee one used to steal and lie and now does neither.
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lavinia106
member
Reged: 01/11/05
Posts: 111
Loc: Nebraska
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Hello, when I read your post, my skin crawled. This is the behavior of an abuse little girl. I know that because I have gone through the same. She needs help as soon as possible. She needs to feel protected in order to grow. If she does not get this she will invert into herself and self destruct. Just an opinion.
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aussie928
old hand
Reged: 10/29/04
Posts: 969
Loc: Dallas
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Thank you all so much..any other opinions are welcome. As to the child eval...here's the deal. IN the TO both parents got joint legal with physical to the mum. This child is now thriving, school work up to par, no stealing...no "scenes" which is what adhd wee ones do at times. Father wants 50/50 physical as he doesnt want to pay child support (his exact words in writing...lol) so her attorney said then going to have to have a child eval done.
Now the father is saying he cant afford this and is willing to let the mum have physical as long as his final child support doesnt change (it will..way below Texas guidelines so this may be a mute point) The mum is afraid to push the child eval if he is willing to do this as she is afraid that her STBX being a real charmer (I have met this bloke...real shades of Scott Peterson here) that he may end getting 50/50. My advise is I think child evals can see through people like him and I think there may be some real issues that have happened to this child that the mum may not be aware of. Your thoughts? Am I overreacting here just because he is a porn freak?
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daphyne
journeyman
Reged: 01/20/05
Posts: 90
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Aussie,
I say you're not overreacting one bit! My theory is this: "you never know what goes on behind closed doors". This child is probably in dire need of counseling - kids see everything whether the dad thought she saw the movies or not - they always see what you think they don't! I beleive it was your words in another post that stated "they are alot smarter than we give them credit for" (or something along those lines) This entire post has also made my skin crawl - gives me that "gut" feeling that something doesn't quite fit here! I'm not familiar enough with the evaulation process to address that part of the post. But, being the parent of an ADD child, I can tell you that they are particularly bright children and they don't miss a beat. No parent ever wants to face up to a situation where something inappropriate has happened to their child, however, if this child doesn't get some help and soon, bigger issues will be at hand (drinking, drugs, and the list goes on) even though she seems fine now. We all know what appears to be and what is are two different things. I don't know if this helps you or not - but, just throwing my opinion out there! Daphyne
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aussie928
old hand
Reged: 10/29/04
Posts: 969
Loc: Dallas
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Q(quote) but, just throwing my opinion out there! (quote0
my hell luv throw away...want all the input I can get. I just have the gut feeling as well...when I say she doesnt talk..I dont mean she doesnt talk at all as she is quite the friendly little thing and very very bright...but she doesnt talk about her father at all...not how the visits went... nothing. And as close as she is to her mum she never told her about her father choking her, the belt etc..it came out all by accident. The mum has taken her to see the neurologist who says she is doing quite nicely, considering but I just have this feeling..
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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Both of my children were abused physically by their father during an overnight visit to his home. It was a situation where he lost his temper and over-disciplined them. I believe it was not the first time, but this was the first time the children were angry enough to want to do something about it...there were bruises. I've gone through the emergency hearing, the counselling sessions, medical exams, CPS interviews, more counselling, more court, supervised visitation, mediation, yada yada.
My kids are very fortunate in that what they experienced, while inappropriate, was mild compared to some of the horrible experiences some children have been subjected to. This little girl you describe sounds as if she has extremely deep emotional problems and mental health issues that may very well stem from abusive acts on the part of her father. Your friend needs to do anything and everything she can to help this kid and keep the father at a distance. It's tragic!
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Onyx
old hand
Reged: 08/03/04
Posts: 816
Loc: Buffalo NY
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Aussie, my 3 year old wouldnt sleep well when we were married, and during the divorce. It wasnt until he moved from the marital home that he started to. He was also SO opposed to potty training. In our case, it wasnt physical abuse, but insecurity and neglect on the part of my ex. My ex would leave the kids home alone all day while I worked, and when he was home, he didnt talk to them. After he left, he left a home that had bad memories for the kids. I firmly believe that as long as we lived there, we would have had problems. The first night at the new house, the lil guy slept through the night, and the next day, announced that he was a big boy, and didnt want "pull ups" on anymore, he wanted to wear REAL big boy pants. As soon as we started with the cotton underpants, he, without a thought, started using the toilet on his own. In your friends case, it certainly sounds like abuse went on. In other cases, it may be something as simple as bad memories for the child (abuse causes bad memories too OF COURSE). I think my youngest was displaying his fright about what had gone on in the past in that house, and when we moved, it clued him into a new begining. I know it isnt possible for people to move at the drop of a hat, but maybe some new things, like redecorating, etc, to get the child to feel more secure, and be able to make some new memories?
Good luck sweetie. Let us know how she progresses.
Blessings, Onyx
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"Don't Make Me Get My Flying Monkeys"
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joan
enthusiast
Reged: 09/24/04
Posts: 248
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There is something going on here. I really think this child needs an evaluation. I also loved both of my parents very much and would willingly visit my dad. It was not until I turned 40 that the sexual abuse that had been going on began to come out. I had so deeply repressed it. My mother denied that she was aware of any sexual abuse. Once I remembered specific incidents and asked my mom about them she still did not recall being aware of sexual abuse, but did confirm all the details of my memories.
Again, I think there is something going on here. I would suggest the mother get the child into counseling to figure out the root of the problem.
I would also like to add that the mother should not consider child support issues in the same breath as any other issues. If it were me and I was suspecious I would go for the physical custody and protect the child first, even if it meant no CS. There is nothing more important! Worry about the CS later.
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Onyx
old hand
Reged: 08/03/04
Posts: 816
Loc: Buffalo NY
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I would have to agree with Joan about the CS issue.... screw it. If it means tightening your belt for a while, then so be it. No amount of cash is worth your child not being safe.
Blessings, Onyx
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"Don't Make Me Get My Flying Monkeys"
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aussie928
old hand
Reged: 10/29/04
Posts: 969
Loc: Dallas
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G'day all....and thank you so much for all your opinions. Update..I showed all your posties (names removed) to my friend..the wee one has had a physical and thank God..sexual abuse is not a concern..however mental is. Her attorney is only going to require a child evaluation if the father does not agree to sole custody (there is no way this would work with thisbloke having joint legal)..even the attorney says this.
He will however based on her talk with him (if the child evaluation is not done) request that the father be required to pay for counseling for the wee one. The mum will have this done either way. Again thank you...hearing it from others not just me helped her to see this was a big issue.
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Akyavasha
newbie
Reged: 06/17/05
Posts: 28
Loc: Iowa
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All I can tell you is trust your gut on this. If you are wrong, then at least you will know for sure. When it comes to my kids, I always try to err on the side of caution and protection of them...no matter who's toes get stepped on in the process. They and their well being is the most important thing, all else is secondary in my mind...including the feelings of the adults involved.
just my 0.02
-Amanda-
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Maybe i'll get lucky and in my next life I can be a dog!!!
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