mommynurse
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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Just when I think we have gotten the blended family thing down, BHAM, we go right back to square one.
This time, as usual, we are fighting about his kids. I love these girls more than life and I think they deserve more than what they are getting from their mom. He decided to pursue custody and I supported him 100%. He told his X about the plans (Why? Dunno!) and she started to bawl. He felt sorry for her, called the lawyer, and told him that he changed his mind.
The way I see it, I have two choices.
1) I can accept his decision. Their not my problem, right?
Why should I care whether they go to school or how many men that she strings in and out of their lives? Why do I care if they learn to work the welfare system instead of learning to take care of themselves? (These are all questions that I have been asked!)
2) I can leave his ass right where I found him. Broke and with no cares in the world. He can go back to living paycheck to paycheck and having screaming matches with the X. I can go on to a much less stressful life. Only problem with that is our baby. We would be robbing her of a home that has both a mommy and a daddy!
Neither choice looks all that good to me and I am so stressed out right now, I can't tell which way is up! I'm looking for any input that may be helpful in my situation.
P.S. Marriage counseling is not a viable option. He doesn't have a problem, I do. With that attitude, we wouldn't get very far!!!
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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sugarb
enthusiast
Reged: 12/16/04
Posts: 375
Loc: In the Heartland on America
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Let it go, girl....it'll work itself out....you need to back away from the mother for a bit, step away from the situation.
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mommynurse
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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I'm throwing in the towel. They can do whatever it is they want with the girls. God, I hope they turn out alright! It's been a long time since I have focused on just my children. I think they need their mommy back.
Instead of working the holiday weekend (for extra cash to pay the atty.), I am taking my kids on a camping trip. He's going to stay home with his. He wants to "clear his head" this weekend to decide if he wants to continue with our marriage. He's already decided what he wants to do. I will probably come home from camping and all my crap will be out in the driveway.
Nice, huh? Since she "cried", I have been the bad person here and she has become the wounded party.
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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matilda
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/11/04
Posts: 2087
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I understand that you are going through a difficult time-believe me. A camping trip might be a great way for you to de-stress a bit. Sometimes people need some time away from each other to realize how much they care. If you love him come home and tell him what he means to you. If he loves you he will fight to make it work.
Unfortunately, the one who cries and acts hurt tends to get the attention. Since you are being more mature, it is easier to disappoint you.
I get caught in the middle of what is happening too. I've really tried to step back and only get involved when absolutely necessary for my sanity. Like you I tried to solve situations that aren't mine to solve. Others would put burdens on me because I wasn't throwing tantrums like the BM. I decided that others are the ones that need to solve the problems that THEY created and not expect me to rescue them.
Again, if you love him then don't give up on the marriage.
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mommynurse
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 4386
Loc: Indiana
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Sometimes I wish that I could cry on demand. I would probably get much further if I could play the victim, but I don't have it in me. Even if he does decide that our marriage is over, I still probably won't be able to muster up the tears. It's funny that I can cry watching commercials, but not when it is more appropriate to do so.
He might just want this weekend to get his thoughts together. I really don't know!!! All I know is that I don't have the power to undo what has been done. Even if I could, I don't think that I would. I still think that his kids deserve more and I think that he can give it to them. But, he really lacks confidence when it comes to being a dad. I'm thinking that he thinks he can't do the job. I have ran out of ideas to make him see that they would do well living with him. Guess I have no choice, but to accept his decision.
Thanks for listening!!!!
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Handed lemons? Find someone else who was handed Vodka and have a party--Ron White
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Moi
old hand
Reged: 05/28/05
Posts: 784
Loc: DFW, TX
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I think the hardest thing to do as a stepmother is to remember that this is not your child no matter how much you love them. The child(ren) have two parents and your not one of them (biologically) and in the end, as you've stated, you nearly neglect your own kids while getting wrapped up in their issues.
It WILL work out. Disengage yourself though no matter how difficult because all you will do is cause problems between your husband and yourself. If he were to sue for custody because YOU believe he should instead of HIM believing he should (truly in his heart) the only thing you are encouraging him to do is waste a lot of money on a loosing battle. An evaluator tends to spot a mile away a man who is there at his wife's urging instead of his own. That happened with my ex. The evaluator came right out and said that if not for the stepmother, he would never sue me for custody and that in itself was reason enough not to give it to him.
Go to counseling yourself. A lot of people are quick to diss marriage counseling because their spouse won't go but you can learn A LOT by going alone and it can help a lot.
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