mamiwood
newbie
Reged: 04/11/05
Posts: 40
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I have been officially divorced one month. I have a 3 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. My ex has been dating a woman with a son for about 3 months and has been secretly introducing her to the children. I hoped that their relationship would be a lasting one but I know this man and I know he will eventually break up with her. My children are beginning to talk about this person and I am concern that they are going to get hurt. Should I be concern or would I seem like I am jealous? And by all means, I am not...and I sur don't wnat to perceive as such. Does it matter how many woman daddy brings home on the weekends he is suppose to spend time with them. I have set up strick rules on dating (no meeting the kids unless I am 100% sure it will lead to something serious) But with a divorce just happenning I don't think serious and lets move in is in my vocabulary. What shoud I do? Does anyone have any suggestions. I don't want to pry in this man's life but I am concern about the relationships that my children are involve in. Do I have any say in it. :confused:
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Melody
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 10102
Loc: California
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unless there is specific language to this effect in your orders. You could have language in place about no overnight guests of the opposite sex when the children are present, but you can't legislate who your ex is friends with. Your children are going to meet your ex's friends regardless of whether or not they are guy friends or girl friends. Also, if you push on this, he may end up marrying faster in order to avoid the overnight guest restriction, which could end up being more traumatic for your children should the marriage dissolve quickly. In addition, any restrictions you put in place for your ex, must also be put in place for yourself. Do you want to be restricted in this way? You may have come up with some guidelines for yourself regarding exposing the children to your dates, and I admire that. I had the same thought process. I dated my boyfriend for almost a year before I introduced the kids to him. I wanted to know there was something there before the kids were involved. I didn't want to be that stereotypical single mom with lots of "uncles" paraded past the kids. Anyway, my point is that you certainly wouldn't want someone else dictating how you should establish your relationships. If, down the road, he has too many flavors of the month to count, then you might consider looking into some counseling to help the children deal with this...although there kinda has to be a problem first. THEN, perhaps you'd have some stronger negotiating position to get him to settle down.
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helpmeplease
journeyman
Reged: 05/23/05
Posts: 68
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I understand your hesitation - in not wanting the children - to meet the 'significant others' or 'non-significant others' until - the relationships are formed and actualized
I believe that - that is balanced - and that - that request is reasonable
Perhaps addressing that matter - is as simple - as contacting your lawyer and having a clause inserted into the decree to read something like that
"refrain 'respondents' "extra-socal contacts" (i.e. significant others, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, et, all) from having 'engaged contact' with the children for 'said amount of time' excluding contacts resulting in 'marriage' relationships (or whatever you deem appropriate for your children)
I personally have not heard of any such clause - but I am sure - you can have something like this - a provisional type clause - for the sole purpose of 'protecting your children's interest'
Especially if issues of neglect or abuse have come up or are a concern of yours
Speak to your counsel regarding this issue
Also see the next post - smile
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helpmeplease
journeyman
Reged: 05/23/05
Posts: 68
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Now with regard to your question of 'does it sound like jealousy' or a 'jealousy motivated issue'?
No one can answer that but you
But I will ask you these questions - and hopefully - lead you closer to understanding - it better - in your mind - so that you can - privately answer that question - in your own heart
1.) Are you still hurting over the separation and divorce?
2.) Have your 'why did it happen' questions get answered?
3.) Were you satisfied with the answers to 'why'?
4.) Do you still love him?
5.) Are you still wanting relationship with him or hoping that you all would rekindle in some way?
6.) Do you ask the children probing questions after visitation - that are outside of the scope of - general safety questions - so that you can find out what he is doing?
7.) Do you find yourself doing things to have contact or interaction with him - even if it is negative in nature?
If you answered 'yes' to 4 of these questions - then I would say - perhaps you could be somewhat 'jealously' motivated
But because you are a 'smart woman' and you 'rationalize' what you do - you have been able to found your 'jealousy' or mask it perhaps with a very 'valid concern' - as to 'minimize' or 'diminsh' the appearance of the monster of 'hurt' and 'jealousy'
Listen darling - relationships are not easy
And anytime you have a relationship with someone and it ends in an unexpected fashion - you are bound to have 'soulish type scars' - that is 100% normal
Everyone deals with things differently - so - be honest with yourself - in the private chambers of your own heart - and allow yourself to come to terms with - what the real issues are
You owe it to yourself, your children, and even to your ex - despite how much you may or may not 'want to deal with them' right now
Healing is just a part of this process
And nobody can expect you to heal the way he heals
And chances are - the relationships - he is engaging are just a cover-up for something going on in him that he does not know how to handle or deal with
So again I say - nobody can really answer that but you - smile
But if you find that the answer is "yes" - dont fret
There is healing beyond divorce - and there is life beyond picking up the broken shards, the pain, the embarassment, and the shame of it all
Edited by helpmeplease (06/02/05 12:48 AM)
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lucky
recently joined
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 9
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This is a new sitution for you. As a single divorce parent, you owe it to your children to educate yourself how you and your ex can provide 2 homes for your children.(Your children need both of you.) May I suggest you get a copy of "Mom's house, Dad's house." It will be the most important read of your life.
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