UnhappyInAZ
recently joined
Reged: 10/06/06
Posts: 10
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I have been married 22 years to a woman who had always treated me like a child. I have 2 children, ages 19 and 17. My wife withholds access to money and transportation, refusing to allow me to check accounts, carry a credit card, or have a car. She is very critical on a constant basis, of both large and small things. When I switched employers, she harangued me for 5+ years, telling me to 'go back to my job' and that I was 'a bad provider', even though I make a 6 figure income. My wife refuses to listen to what I say, and refuses to get advice or counseling from anyone. She only keeps her own counsel. I have looked at sites that describe 'emotional abuse' and 'excessive controlling behavior' and my situation fits these descriptions closely. Our marriage is largely sexless, and there is little love left. I really never matured as a person before getting married (I am 42 now) and there was not a lot of love in the first place. There is none left in my heart now. I think my wife and I both expected to split 'once the kids were grown' and had even talked of divorce. This will be harder for her, as she has few friends, no career, etc, and resists my attempts to encourage her to make friends or go to school, claiming that she is 'too busy' or that 'she is just the maid'. I am sure my behavior has not always been the best, I share fault, too, but in any case the relationship has not been healthy for a long time. I have never had an affair, never abused her. She is the only person in my life who ever has a problem with my behavior, and she has constant problems with it. Neither of my sons has 'normal' relationships with girls, because I think they have viewed our relationships through the years and been affected. My communication attempts with my wife about the problems always end in blame. My wife has a very hostile relationship with my younger son, which has, at times, resulted in shouting and shoving, but this has subsided in recent months. Our home has dents in the walls from these encounters.
I had resigned myself to a bad situation, even though I probably should addressed it years ago, but events of the past six months have brought it to a head. A have become emotionally close with a lady, a single mom, aged 51, that I have known for a couple of years through the kid's school. The relationship is a very close friendship. We describe each other as 'best friends' and talk about everything, though bashing my wife or complaining about my marriage is 'off limits'. My friend is a big supporter of my marriage and I support her other relationships. It is not a secret relationship. My wife knows as do my friends, but I can't say my wife is comfortable with it. My friend and I are very affirming to each other, and yes, she meets emotional needs that have never been met in my marriage even from the start. I cannot fathom cutting myself off from my newfound emotional support to go back to the lonely hell of my marriage. It is not a sexual relationship, but the attraction is present and is mutual. I have to admit, if it were possible, my friend and I would make a great couple. Seeing how this interaction between my friend and I works has opened my eyes to just how much more there could be in a relationship. It has 'rocked my world', so to speak, and brought me to this decision point. Even if I did get out, it is not clear to me that my friend and I would get together, so I will not base my decision on that. But, right now, she is available and I wonder if I should think about the timing, to lay hold of a possible great relationship, or at least keep the door open for it.
As far as the prognosis for my marriage, I don't think we can get far unless my wife agrees to confront the issues, but she hasn't. I no longer put up with the verbal abuse - I tell her that, if she is going to communicate that way, I will not take it. We just end up arguing and she blames me. I told my son that if he were emotionally abused again, I would keep him safe and leave. At this point I really just want out. I don't want to look back 20 years from now having stayed in a nasty relationship when something more is out there, whether with my friend or with another. I wrote letters to both my wife and my friend, to get my feelings out, and came to the conclusion that I really wanted an excuse to leave. I know, if I get out, I should take time to heal before embarking on another relationship. I believe my friend would stay friends and wait for me while I did so, but who knows. Maybe my friends role will be done as she has shown me what I am missing, even if my future is not with her. My pastor acknowledges the extreme control issue and advises me to 'make my own decision' and says I am probably justified whatever I do.
I have done extensive web searching, but have not really come across a situation similar to mine, which is why I decided to post it.
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karl
recently joined
Reged: 10/06/06
Posts: 3
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Sadly I am not able to advise, unhappyinaz, but I do send my best wishes for your situation. Living under a controlling personality is certainly soul-destroying, I appluade your patience and balanced perceptions.
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BB1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/26/05
Posts: 8051
Loc: MD
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My wife withholds access to money
**Financial control is a form of abuse
and transportation
**So she always knows where you are...a method of control.
and that I was 'a bad provider', even though I make a 6 figure income
**trying to beat you down and take away all confidence...a form of abuse.
My wife refuses to listen to what I say, and refuses to get advice or counseling from anyone. She only keeps her own counsel.
**Abusers never think they need help because they think they are perfect.
Our marriage is largely sexless
**Withholding sex is a form of control
and resists my attempts to encourage her to make friends or go to school, claiming that she is 'too busy' or that 'she is just the maid'
She isolates herself from society so she can isolate you too. If you do do something, she will make you feel guilty - form of control.
I am sure my behavior has not always been the best, I share fault, too,
**I'm sure she's convinced you of this - Most abused people feel responsible for the other person or the bad marriage because they've been told too many times what a horrible person they are
Neither of my sons has 'normal' relationships with girls, because I think they have viewed our relationships through the years and been affected.
**You got that right. Abuse and dysfunction are learned behaviors Your sons need to understand what a loving relationship is about (not control)
a very hostile relationship with my younger son, which has, at times, resulted in shouting and shoving, but this has subsided in recent months. Our home has dents in the walls from these encounters.
**she's abusing him too
It is not a sexual relationship, but the attraction is present and is mutual. I have to admit, if it were possible, my friend and I would make a great couple.
**You are having an emotional affair with your friend. You are already in love with her, I think.
she is available and I wonder if I should think about the timing, to lay hold of a possible great relationship, or at least keep the door open for it.
**Although you say she wouldn't be the reason for your escape, it's clear you are in denial. I would suggest you leave your marriage due to abuse, take time to heal, then seek a relationship.
Your wife won't confront issues. You are in an abusive marriage. You need to get out.
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It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
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UnhappyInAZ
recently joined
Reged: 10/06/06
Posts: 10
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Thank you for your insight. I had concluded that I was in an abusive situation, but, as you say, I need to clear my emotions of the other person so I can concentrate on the real reason for leaving, which is the situation in my marriage, not the other person. There will be time for other relationships afterwards. Is it possible, when faced with dire crisis, for a controlling person to change? And, with my children just about grown,is it worth staying to try? Those are the real questions, I think.
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BB1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/26/05
Posts: 8051
Loc: MD
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Is it possible, when faced with dire crisis, for a controlling person to change?
**First let me say, labeling her a "controlling person" is minimizing "abuser". Abuse is about control. Will she ever change? Who knows? Everyone is different. I think people can change but only if the are willing to recognize their ill behaviors. Most abusers live in a different reality than the abusee and are unable to see their actions as not normal. In their reality they see the abusee as the person with the problem. In my opinion it is not impossible for an abuser to change but it is very, very rare for that to happen.
And, with my children just about grown,is it worth staying to try?
**Sigh...I cannot tell you whether or not your marriage is worth saving. Only you know that. Let's begin with the children issue. I was 34 when my parents divorced. It didn't matter if I was 34 or 12, it still bothered me. I kept thinking, God, they've been together since my mom was 17...why now? BUT he was abusive to her so I was able to understand that she needed to end the marriage to improve the quality of the rest of her life. My father was a miserable man. He is not AS miserable now. I don't think he had some great epiphany occur. I think he just fakes it now so people will think my mother divorced a great man. Anyway, back to you...no matter what age your kids are, abuse is abuse. The abuse will not stop because your kids have grown. In fact, once they move out, your wife may try to control you even more because she will have more time on her hands.
Let me ask you this...You are in your early 40's. Do you want to stay around until your 60 like my mother did hoping for some great devine intervention to occur? Hoping for a change that may never happen? Hoping things will get better? The fact that your wife refuses to listen to reason and refuses to be open to the idea of seeking help tells me she refuses to believe she has a problem.
If someone had told my father to seek help, he'd never have spoken to them again.
Wouldn't it be nice to have a car, AZ? Your over 40 years old and your wife won't let you have a car??? You make over 6 figures for income and she won't let you have a credit card?
I think you should ask yourself, what means more, saving your marriage or your quality of life. If abuse were not an issue, I'd encourage you to save your marriage.
I'm very sorry you are faced with this choice. It is a hard one.
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It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
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UnhappyInAZ
recently joined
Reged: 10/06/06
Posts: 10
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Thank you for your help. I really don't want to label my wife as an abuser - it is hard to think about it in those terms. I have read "Nasty People" by Jay Carter and har actions and behaviors fit the invalidation profile. You're right, only I can answer this question. I am really struggling with the enormity of this choice, though. It is not easy to make. Since I learned what I was missing out on, things haven't been the same, and I think I am on the road to healing now. Thank you for being willing to share tough words.
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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Not to make light of your situation, but from your heading, I thought you were telling us that you have jumped from the frying pan into the fire--from one "controller" to another. :-)
Definitely, either work on and save it, or end your marriage and HEAL before you make any emotional committment to someone else. On a cold and miserable day, even the tiniest ray of sunlight looks gorgeous.
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UnhappyInAZ
recently joined
Reged: 10/06/06
Posts: 10
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Perhaps you're right, but my friend is someone special, deinitely not just 'a tiny ray of light'. Makes severing the emotional bond more difficult, thats for sure.
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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Then backpedal a bit. Because right now she is looking like the only ray of hope when getting out from an abusive marriage. She may turn out to be the great love of your life... or not.
So prepare to move on. Get a place on your own for at least a year as you settle into your new life without the daily barrage of negativity.
Actually, my father doesn't drive either. My mother drives, my father cooks (he was a chef). It works for them. He has a credit card and HE was the one who wouldn't use it! Come Mothers Day and I would take dad M/Day shopping and it was like trying to get blood out of a stone to get him to front up and sign that damned reciept!
Your loveless marriage is not the way it should be. Staying for the kids is no reason at all. My husband was at one stage prepared to stay in a loveless marriage so his sons had an 'intact' family. I pointed out to him (we were merely friends and he was really beginning to annoy me!)that he was not doing his sons any favours because they would see their parents example as 'normal' and look for the same kind of woman to marry as their mother. Would he want that for his sons?
So the same thing applies to you. Do you want your sons seeing your marriage as workable?
I take it your wife does not work? If this is so, be prepared to hand over a lot of your savings and 401K as she has to start life all over again. You may even have to pay her alimony (if it is required in your state). You think she is angry all the time now? Try getting divorced from her!
But I think the peace and quiet of a normal existence will suit you very well... whoever you end up with.
PS: LAst year my yonger s/son was in a road accident and in ICU. My husband and I walked into his room to hear his ex on the phone with a friend saying knows she is a control freak, she knows she is and she has to be in control all the time. How weird is that? Recognising that in yourself and not trying to fix it?
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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UnhappyInAZ
recently joined
Reged: 10/06/06
Posts: 10
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I think that is the crux of my decision right now - I want to make sure that, whatever happens with my friend, my decision is made for the right reason. Sorting out my emotions about my friend from the negativity of my marriage is difficult. But I am seeing more clearly all the time.
I had a conversation with my son that was very illuminating. He does think our relationship is normal (he thinks 'one flesh' means that one has to control the other) and that the sacrifices are necessary to give my wife 'peace of mind'. He has grown up with some very wrong ideas due to the situation in my marriage, and I am sorry to see it. I hope to show him better.
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