Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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I just wanted to post a 'can anyone explain this to me' vent....
I spend almost 2 yrs with a man. He moves himself and his kids into my childless house. We get engaged. The three of them are slobs, and our dating / sex life wittles down to non-existent while still under the same roof. My financial situation goes in the dumper because I keep helping him out while he blows $$ on BMX, my stress level goes thru the roof dealing with the drama of an out of control child that dad refused to acknowledge WAS out of control. I get tired of being nothing more than the roommate, wallet and maid, while getting disrespected for my efforts by a kid who is just mouthy enough to me that dad doesn't hear him, and I tell dad they need to move.
Okay, so thats been about two months ago. Life is quiet and I'm getting some sleep and my bp has gone down. Then >poof<
xSO emails and tells me he misses me, wants to go out on a date. I go, we have a great time. He tells me how he's realized the oldest son is out of control and how he's cracking down. We talk here and there over the last few days, not every day, but he's been calling me just to chat. He's paid the bills he said he'd pay. Today he emails me and again tells me he 'really' misses me.
This from a man who shortly before I told him to move answers the question "how do you feel about me" with a long silent pause and then a throw away 'well of course I care about you...'. hmm... okay. He then tells me I'm too needy. Somehow I can't see that - I'm pretty content with just a little attn now and then. I'd like a hug once in awhile, maybe sex more than 1x every few months, and that we go out on a date with just the TWO of us once in awhile. He responds with he's too busy with the kids and too tired otherwise.
Now, suddenly he's being the guy I fell in love with. The one who was affectionate, sexual, and who didn't leave the house without giving me a kiss and a "I love you". WTH?!?!?
Even worse, why the HELL does it put such a smile on my face?!?!
I know better than to trust him with my heart at this point, but I just don't understand - why could he not put in this effort when we were together? He just likes the chase? He's thinking he has the best of both worlds? (freedom in his own place and me on a hook)
^&$%#@@#($! Some guy out there Please give me insight -- what is this male thinking???
Its ironic because I always hear men complain that women let themselves go, and don't want sex and get too wrapped up in the kids. This situation is proof positive in my mind that guys can do that too. I guess I just need to figure out if I can do the casual relationship thing with him, and I'm really not sure I can.
ah well -- sorry for the rant, but i do feel better now. :D
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rocketgirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
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So date the guy... but do NOT move in with him again... make him court you. If it doesn't last for more than a month, then you know he just can't handle the day to day crap of being alone.
And his kid problems... too bad. You warned him.
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Lisa
Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.
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Redlegg
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 10/05/06
Posts: 26679
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Come on, we're guys, as long as we have it (living with you) we don't miss it, kick us out and we suddenly understand flowers, and romance and everything you said, even a little attention once in awhile, but give us what we want and we get lazy.
Really though, if your happy dating him, date him, go to where he lives and see how the kids are, if they are still the same, it would be hard to maintain that kind of turnaround for any extended period. And as they say, if its real, it will be there later too. And trust your instincts.
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matilda
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/11/04
Posts: 2087
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I agree, if you enjoy dating him then do it. I would definitely take things slowly. Just watch your heart for awhile until you get a better idea where things are going. It's horrible to break up, get your hopes up again, and then ends things again. If you meeet someone else really interesting that you might like to date, I'd still date others. Time will eventually help you figure out his motives.
I'm glad to hear that you are getting your home life more stable again. I hope that your mom is moved in and things are working out well.
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foge33
newbie
Reged: 12/10/06
Posts: 36
Loc: Texas
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I don't know. Once a rat, always a rat. If his kids are as much of a problem as you say they are, just remember before you jump back in that they are always going to be there. Like was said before, don't let him move back in, and see if he is still acting like he is now in a couple of months.
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thisaintBB
enthusiast
Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
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I have to think that you broke up for a reason and why set yourself up for that hurt again, but if you love him I guess you might have to try I am the last one to give advice at this point..ha
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Melanie1
addict
Reged: 12/09/05
Posts: 587
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Hi Renee,
I wouldn't date him. From what you've written, it was a totally win/win for him and a lose/lose situation for you. Stay on your own for awhile. Recover. Then eventually move on. Do not date anyone until you feel you are truly over the guy and have gained some kind of perspective. Perspective is everything to me. It takes time to get it, but once you do, you can see things more clearly and rationally. You learn things about yourself and others. And it allows to learn from mistakes and hopefully not make the same ones over and over again.
And whatever you do, NEVER let a guy move in with you again. That not only can be damaging to you, but also your children. What are you teaching them by letting someone move in? Maybe I'm too old fashioned, but if there are kids involved, I would NEVER have a guy move in with me. Not in a million years. Once the kids are grown, out of the house, maybe. But even then I'd be leery. But then again, I am a dinosaur (52) and what do I know, lol?
What I see over and over again, here, and in the real world of bricks and mortar, are that Way too many women are so depsarate for romantic relationships, that they will put up with just about anything if the guy shows them some interest or a nice time once in awhile. What's up with that???
I don't mean any of this as a put down to you. You did what you thought was right. But learn from the experience and don't make the same mistake twice. Have some pride and dignity and don't fall for the guy again. NO ONE changes that quickly. And as another poster said, the kids will always be there and do you really want to deal with them?
Hang in there. You are worth much more than you think you are...
Melanie
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The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Lao Tzu
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Debbie_L
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/06/05
Posts: 2031
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It sounds like she didn't have kids living with her until his moved in, so that's not the issue. I think that once he's "in there" with you again, you'll see more of the same behaviour. Some people only want someone they can't have. The sexual excitement for them goes to about zero after a couple months (no matter how fantasic/beauiful/adventurous you are in the bedroom). I would avoid this one if it were me. I've btdt.
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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You've BTDT with this one. Time to move on.
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rocketgirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
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Melanie,
Renee isn't the one with kids... her ex moved HIS kids in with them.
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Lisa
Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.
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