thisaintBB
enthusiast
Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
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Well last Saturday we faced each other and today he called and I answered the phone, I was having a very emotional day and not sure why I decided to answer the phone but I did, the outcome of the conversation is he's not 100% sure he is doing the right thing, says he's happy 50% of the time and the rest of the time he's asking himself what the hell has he done to his life, said he wants to sit down and talk this week, he was on his way to get his kids for the weekend, said there is not another woman, he said he felt like he was losing it and had to leave said he has stayed away because I told him the day he left he'd never hear my voice again, said he loves me....NOW I'M SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL AGAIN!
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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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Step off the merry go round... Stop, take a deep breath and let it out.
He told you a bunch of WORDS. He may mean everything he said, but they are only words, not actions to put life back together. He didn't say "I screwed up, I'm so sorry, I miss you, can I come home?" He only said he was half-way happy. That is not a ringing endorsement of his love and affection for you. Its simply NOT ENOUGH - you are worth more than that.
Furthermore BB, his doubts are completely NORMAL. He just made a huge life change and turned everything he had on its ear. Now the 'rush' is over with and he's seeing the negatives. Thats normal, not an ephiphany.
Maybe, just maybe, he *might* be pulling his head out of you know where. But don't get your hopes up based on one phone call. If you are strong enough, truly STRONG enough, to meet with him and discuss things then meet him someplace public and listen to him. Don't give him the guidebook on how to get you back, or the list of the things you want to hear from him. Let him WORK for it and tell you about it. I'm not saying jump in and fix it - he left you and he has fences to mend. He needs to convince you of his sincerity, and then he has to go to counseling to prove it.
In the meantime, you look at Lyssa's face and imagine how hurt she would be if STBX came back, only to bail again. Try to keep his actions in perspective.
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thisaintBB
enthusiast
Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
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I have decided IF he calls for us to meet I'm going to tell him I was having a VERY WEAK moment when he called which I was Alyssa's paternal grandmother had showed up and stirred the pot about Alyssa's sperm donor and I was hysterical when STBX called and I'm just going to tell him we talk on the phone but I can't see any reason for us to "meet" to talk, I feel like I flushed 7 weeks of soul searching down the toilet in a 15 minute phone call....UGH!
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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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You didn't flush that 7 weeks down the toliet. On the contrary, you've made 7 weeks worth of progress. You've learned more about yourself and your feelings, more about what is acceptable in your life and what isn't, and more about who he is and who he's not.
Your reaction to his call is a blip, and perfectly normal. You've been around him what, 1x?, 2x?, since he left? This was your first relationship oriented conversation since he left? Of course you're going to be emotional! Just hearing his voice was emotional, not to mention the gramma being there and dredging up other old news.
BB, give yourself a Break honey. You're doing better than you think you are. Its not easy, and yes you're going to have weak moments, but you're doing just fine. Tell yourself you're strong enough to withstand the storm - repeat it until you believe it.
Also known as Fake It Til You Make It!!!!
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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You don't owe him any explanation. He's the one who needs to put in the effort, not you. Don't lose sight of what you gained and accpomplished during those seven weeks mentally and emotionally and don't let him rob you of that.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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Yes! That was one other thing I forgot to mention -- don't explain yourself to him. He lost the right to explanations when he left. He knew your heart and your feelings for him and he walked anyways; someone that inconsiderate doesn't deserve the politeness of an explanation.
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thisaintBB
enthusiast
Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
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keep it coming guys I knew I could count on all of you for a dose of reality!!!
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Tabitha
addict
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 481
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TABB,
He's just feeling the pain now that he can see you are not going to fall apart without him. He's worried that he won't be able to snap his fingers and have you back again. How dare you actually have some gumption (see the movie Holiday for a better explanation of that) and not sit around pining for him!
No other woman... yeah, right. Funny, that's probably what 99% of the women and men on this board heard from their 'waffling' spouses right before they got proof of the affair.
Think about it; what is TALKING going to change? Nothing. Some men on here might not like what I'm going to say, but from my experience, most men don't "get" talking; they understand action. And right now your action is behaving like a dignified, classy, woman that although has had her heart broken, is not about to open her heart up so quickly for a spineless man with no integrity. It's gonna take a lot more than a "talk" to get you back.
This talk would be for him. It will do absolutely nothing for you (quite the opposite.) If he can't make a decision to stay in a marriage with the best thing that ever happened to him then he's too dumb for you to even consider going back with him. You can't afford to put yourself and especially your daughter through his indecision again.
Now, I'm not against ever getting back together with him, but if you do the "talk" and you let him back in your lives' so easily, he'll most likely just do it again.
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"You never really know a person until you divorce them."
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Melanie1
addict
Reged: 12/09/05
Posts: 587
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Hi TABB,
Re-read your post and think about what the STBX said. Do you realize it's all about HIM??? There wasn't anything that said, "Geez, I'm really sorry for what I put you through. I love you, want to work things out and will do anything to do so. Do we have a chance? What can I do to make things up to you? Are you okay? How's our daughter making out?" You get the drift.
So I wouldn't engage any further with the STBX unless it becomes more about you, and he owns up to the part he played in the demise of the marriage.
As the others have said, if you have even one thought of possibly getting back with him, let him jump through hoops of fire to get you back. Make him work hard and fight. If he can't do so or refuses to do so, then he's just blowing smoke and/or is realizing just how much divorce will change his nice, comfy life.
My X said almost the same sort of stuff yours did after we split. He claimed he was confused; said he still loved me; thought maybe we should get counseling; thought maybe he made a mistake. But when push came to shove, he wouldn't give up OW; wouldn't take responsibility for his share of mistakes made in the marriage; and didn't want to work at gaining my trust, etc. I think it all finally had hit him that the divorce was really going to happen and that life would be forever changed. And he was scared.
So please, hang tough. Don't let him weedle his way back into your life with just a phone call or two and some doubts expressed that he might be making a mistake. You're worth a whole lot more than that.
Melanie
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The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Lao Tzu
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thisaintBB
enthusiast
Reged: 04/18/06
Posts: 244
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he did say he was sorry for hurting me and that he loves me, he seemed concerned about Lyss but I agree with what everyone is saying he wasn't offering to jump thru hoops or saying he wanted to come home I think he's confused and it's the holidays etc., I don't want him back because he's confused I want him back because he loves me and until he is 100% sure I'm just going to continue to live life the way I have been with the mind sight that I am getting divorced
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