rschiller
old hand
Reged: 08/25/05
Posts: 1014
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Made it through the holidays in semi good condition. The kids ended up coming home early as the the xmil became ill and couldn't cook dinner for them on Christmas. Nothing was planned so the x called and asked if he could bring them home. I didn't care as it was Christmas and wanted them home with me. Thank goodness I had decided to cook myself a nice Christmas dinner and had it ready just in time for their arrival. The x never called them on New Years, nor did he even return their calls, and ditched last night too. This is fine as we are use to it.
The thing is, I am still stuck. I have no life and I desperately want one. How do you balance having a life verses having the kids all the time? I refuse to place a male before my children, and well my thinking on all of this is thus............
It takes so much time for a relationship. I get maybe one weekend a month by myself. I refuse to introduce anyone to my kids unless I have been dating them for quite sometime and I am comfortable with them meeting someone. I have only introduced them to one person in five years, and that was a mistake. The relationship didn't work out and they lost someone else again in their lives. So, I get one weekend a month that I can go out with someone. I never know if the x is going to take the kids or not, so it's hard to make any kind of plans. If the x finds out I do have plans he waits until six on that Friday to call and cancel. I have had to cancel many concerts, dates and thus because of this. I try to have a back up plan but well, they are too old for a baby sitter and I end up catering to the kids needs(run me here, run me there). Plus, they didn't ask for this mess and someone has to put them first, God knows their dad doesn't. So.........even if I meet someone who is attracted to me and I to him, I think, why? why? would he put up with this kind of life? Something must be wrong with him too. Then even if they do agree to my hectic life, I think......what the hell is wrong with me that I can't give more.
Is there something wrong with me? I mean I want to meet someone, but I don't want the hassel it involves. I am not sure this is making any sense, but it's a new year and I want to make changes. Someone's signature line says something like.......You keep doing the same things, you will get the same results. How do I change this? I am ready to meet someone, my ghosts are gone, I understand what went wrong, where my faults are, and I know what I need to do differently. So, how do I change this pattern?
Any help would be great.
PS. I don't have a lot of time to sign up for classes, or things like that because my kids really do keep me on the run. Sorry this was so long.
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KiwiGirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/09/05
Posts: 6271
Loc: Plains State
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I think (and call me selfish) but you need to make time for you. If yourkids are too old for a sitter there is nothing wrong with going out with a friend to the movies or on a date. Basically all you are doing is getting to know people again. Nothing wrong with that.
After all, your kids seem to have active social lives and sooner than later they will be off into the big world and you are left behind. Because sure as eggs their visits to you will leave you with no laundy detergent and an empty fridge.
No, the kids did not ask to be in this mess but surely if you were married you and your spouse would have evenings without the kids? Dinner and a movie does not mean you are abandoning them! You make it seem that if you save 5 minutes a day for yourself you may as well become deadbeat mum. And really yuou are nothing of the kind.
It was healthy for my kids to see me looking ahead and not relying on their father's whims. They saw me as strong and independent.
Does this make sense?
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If I can't be part of the solution I insist on being most of the problem
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Melanie1
addict
Reged: 12/09/05
Posts: 587
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Hi rschiller,
I understand where you're coming from re: putting kids first. That's what I've done my entire married life and pretty much afterward too. However, I'm now realizing that it's time to move on. Though I no longer have kids at home living with me (YS is in boarding school and OS at college), when they are home I tend to revolve my entire world around them. Wrong. They even told me so, in a very nice, sweet way. I had told them that I knew that soon they'd have totally independent lives from mine, so I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible before they really took off. They said I can have both worlds, see them when they are home but also go out with friends, etc. For some reason I didn't see things that way, but now I do. This was a very important lesson for me to learn. Though I've made great strides creating a new life, filled with lots of new friends, activities, volunteering, etc, I had still put the kids first and would cancel or put friends on hold for them. Not a good thing to do. Especially when they were/are old enough to be on their own. Don't make the same mistake.
Like NZgirl said, if they are old enough to not need a babysitter, then you can go out a couple nights a week or during the day on the weekends while not working. The kids will do fine and respect you for having a life of your own. So go for it. Sign up for classes, take up a new hobby you've always been interested in, hop in the car and take a day trip somewhere you've always wanted to go. Write these things down on your calendar like you would an important doctor's appointment. Committ to them.
It's been a tough lesson for me to learn but now I see so clearly that during my marriage and even afterward I always put others first. Not anymore. I'm putting me first now. That doesn't mean I ignore my kids or not be there when they TRULY need me. It just means I no longer drop everything just cause they're around or put my personal life on hold either. It means I continue to live life to the fullest.
Re: Dating and introducing men to the kids. You can definitely date and not have to tell your kids anything other than that you're going out with a friend. As long as they have a cell phone you can be reached at in case of an emergency, that's all they need. Again, I'm talking about if your kids are old enough to be on their own while you're out and about. And since you said they're too old for a sitter, that'll be enough.
If you begin to date someone you really like, keep dating them. When the time is right you can introduce them to the kids as a friend. Don't make a big deal about it. You don't have to include them on your dates or outings on a regular basis where they might be become attached to the new friend. If it gets to the point where real committment is discussed in the relationship, then you can slowly involve the kids more. But unless it gets to the point where you might actually marry the guy, it all doesn't have to play out in front of the kids each time you see him.
I know it's hard to let go of the 'mom' role and move on with your life. But you've got to for your own happiness. If the kids have to make do with getting around now and again on their own, it won't hurt them. If they have to eat frozen pizza a night or two a week, they'll live. They'll become more independent themselves and will most likely be happy that you're moving on and getting a life.
In case you think I'm wrong about the kids wanting you to move on. As I said earlier in the post, mine very tactfully and kindly told me NOT to hang around for them. To go out. Date. Make plans. That it was more than okay with them. That I've given plenty and now it's my turn. That they want me to be happy. I bet your kids feel the same and aren't much different. So go for it. Sign up with a dating service, or get involved with some activity you love where you can meet new people. Just don't sit around wishing and hoping life will change because you'd like it to. As it says in my signature line, "The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step". Take that first step and see where it leads :).
Melanie
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The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Lao Tzu
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doitnow
recently joined
Reged: 08/10/06
Posts: 9
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When you do meet someone, do not have him over to the house or let him fix things around the house until it is a committed relationship..then the kids can bein the loop. In the meantime, you need time for you, and to discover new interests and activities. It is a time for growth and re-discovery.
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SteveM
recently joined
Reged: 12/05/06
Posts: 20
Loc: Nova Scotia
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I guess my opinion is similar to other's who replied. I don't see any problem of having some time to yourself, especially since the kids are too old for a baby-sitter. I would just make sure he understands that you won't be living together until the kids are gone. I think a lot of men would be OK with that.
That's how I feel. My daughter who is 10 thinks she would like to live with me rather than living with her Mom. My ex and I are discussing allowing her to stay with me for the next school year. But at my age, I'm not looking for another marriage or live in partner. I wouldn't mind having a steady relationship with one woman, but it would have to be someone who can look after herself. What's left since my second divorce, is being saved for my kids, and I'm not going to risk losing half to someone else.
Of course this really limits your options in the dating field. But that's a good thing...
Regards,
SteveM
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OverEx Discussion Forum
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rschiller
old hand
Reged: 08/25/05
Posts: 1014
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Yes, I agree I need to get a life, and that is what I am trying to do. It's just my kids do consume so much of me I am finding it hard to draw the line.
Steve, you said it pretty well for me too, I am not looking for marriage or a live in partner. But someone to do things with now and then would be really nice.
My experience is that most of the men I meet want to jump into something so quickly, they just seem so needy. I don't want to take care of someone again.
I am thinking that I will start going to this divorce care class at the church from 7-9 on Tuesdays. My son is fifteen and daughter 11. I have just never liked to leave them alone at night. I know I am an over protective mom, but I also have an x that would use anything against me if he could. Just never wanted to give him a reason to say anything. He has said things in the past, he even went so far as to drive my kids into a local hamburger joint that serves beer and told the kids that hookers, whores and drunks hang out there and that is where their mother goes. I went to that place just a couple of times, just to shoot pool and have fun. My kids were mortified. I guess living in a small town has it's problems. Everyone knows my business. I guess it's why I sort of gave up on dating and having a life.
Anyway, I am making excuses now, and I just need to start doing things differently. I know if I start having a life the X is going to go ape shyt again too. I'll trade one set of problems for another. I am not going to allow him to control my life, if that is what I am allowing him to do still.
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doitnow
recently joined
Reged: 08/10/06
Posts: 9
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It is all about boundaries. You need to draw them ahead of time, so that you do not get involved in trying to take care of a needy person...he would not be the kind of "project" that you need. You do not have to date. Just hang out with friends and don't be afraid to spend some time alone, either.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
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There is nothing wrong with putting your kids first but that also doesn't mean you have to cater to their every want. You CAN balance your life so that you can have one and still put your kids first. It just takes some doing and depends on how much you want that.
I had a 3 year relationship post divorce and unfortunately my kids lost someone they cared about too, but I don't think it was a mistake because they got to experience a lot of things they wouldn't have without him in our life. They have come to realize that people come and go, sometimes through no fault of theirs. The reality is they WILL lose people from their lives be it our SO, a teacher, a neighbor a friend. We can't control all of their losses. Now don't think I mean you should introduce them to someone you're dating casually because I don't do that either, but you can't gurantee that anyone will stay forever.
Are you looking at moving on as meeting "someone"? Because if you start viewing it as just dating it will seem less scary. There is nothing wrong with going out on casual dates with multiple people until you find the right one. That leaves the pressure out of trying to find time for "that" person. Besides if you DO find the one, then he will work with you and care about your needs and wants and those of your children. Not because there is anything wrong with him but because he cares about you.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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I know how you can get very caught-up in chauffering them around. I have a 15 year old still at home, and every weekend, it's the same thing...take her to the mall, take her to friend's, take her to her boyfriend's...and then do it all over the next day, LOL.
I have made time for myself in bits and pieces. Sometimes, it's a weeknight dinner out with friends. Sometimes, it's going out for a long power walk on weekend mornings when she is sleeping to noon, LOL. I haven't made meeting someone the focus of my socializing, just getting out and having fun with friends. And I've found it easier to say, "No" to some of the chauffering duties...rather than be the parent who was ALWAYS home and got called to pick up and drive everyone home, I now say, "I am going out to dinner tonight and will only be availble before 6:30 PM." Funny, but they seem to find another parent who's available.
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rschiller
old hand
Reged: 08/25/05
Posts: 1014
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Some good questions here for me now.
I don't think I am looking at moving on as finding someone.
But, since I have written this out I realized some things.
1. When I did date and go out about two years after the divorce, the X made my life a living h@ll. Now I am beginning to wonder if almost unknowingly I have stopped having a life so things would stay calm. He would ditch the kids worse when I was dating, if he knew I was planning something. My daughter is still pretty little and they pump her for information even now. She innocently tells all, and well, she's very close to me and nosey. Perhaps I have just elected to not have a social life because things are easier when I don't have one.
2. I need to evaluate what it is I need. Right now I wish I knew more women in my circumstances. Most everyone I know or have known for years is married. The women I work with who are single are twenty something years younger than myself and well, we don't have a lot in common. I wouldn't feel comfortable going to with them either.
I was contemplating the divorce care class, but to be honest, I am sick of thinking about divorce and it's impact on our lives. I am tired of going over what happened. It's time to stop dwelling on what went wrong and living again.
Maybe I will try to sign up for a photography class at the college. I just got a new digital camera for Christmas. I took several when I was younger and it's something I really enjoy.
Guess I still have issues to iron out. Big sigh..........things are going to change though, I am going to make it happen. I can do it.
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