dvgrl23
recently joined
Reged: 01/16/07
Posts: 1
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I've been married for just over 2 years and my husband and I get along "ok". The problem I'm having now is his temper, I'll try to make this short...
When he gets mad he really gets mad...not physical but verbally he's a totally different person. He calls me names, swears at me, puts down family and friends, puts down my religion, say things about my past..basically tries to hurt me, I really think he tries.
This past weekend may have been the final straw for me, I can't decide. Apparently I was nagging him about unfinished projects around the house, which I probably was and I know I have an issue with harassing him to get off his butt and do stuff around the house but it's because of my personality, I hate when things sit around unfinished, a bit of a neat freak, that kind of thing. But I'm not a mean person about it.
So anyway, I was "nagging" and he just blew up..I was a b****, a piece of s***, a dumba** etc etc. He looked me right in the eye and said all of these things. I was told to f*** off and said f*** you and your religion (not sure where that came from) and we've been fighting since then, it's now Wednesday.
Usually I've gotten over it by now, let him know I was angry and that it's unacceptalbe and that even if I nag everyday it's no way to treat the person he's supposed to love more than anyone, that kind of thing. But no matter how mad I get or much he apologizes and and acknowledges that I'm right and he's wrong to treat me that way and he's sorry and blah blah, it still happens again. And again.
I guess my question is, how long do I believe him? Right now I don't believe he won't do it again, and there isn't anything he's said this time that isn't different than what he's said before. We've tried counseling, not for long but we did and it obviously didn't help. this has been going on for 2 years, he just gets so cruel and mean and then the next day wants to hug and kiss and make it better...one day I'm a piece and s*** and the next he "loves me more than anything"
How do you know when it's time to move on? I'm 29 years old, we have no kids but I do want them, but not with someone like that. Not that I think he'd be a bad father and not that I wouldn' twant to have kids with him if he wasn't this way, but he is and I can't afford to wait around to see if he can change. What if 2, 5 10 years from now he "relapses" (that was his explanation this time..he relapseed but he's trying and will continue to try). Or what if I decide he's had his last chance and I turn out to be wrong and I throw away my marriage?
Please, does anyone have any thoughts? From what I've written does it already sound like I've made my decision and I just don't realize it?
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royce
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 155
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Before couple counseling could work he would need to undertake some form of anger management/emotional control type regime. As you know yourself he is likely to continue on this way until all feeling/respect you have for him will die.Has individual counseling been suggested?
BTW have you tried other approaches to get him "off his butt"...you might want to get hold of a copy of "The Dnace of Anger" by Harriet Lerner(your library should have a copy) to see how other approaches might be more productive for you.
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Although, I'm not a "professional" or counselor, I disagree with Royce's suggestion for anger management at this stage.
I bet that will just p*ss him off if suggested. If you can get him to take anger management at this stage I'd be really surprised. The reason for that is he will probably blame it on you for continually nagging him and will be insulted by the request unless he's finally hit rock bottom on that. I do think that reading the book you suggested is a wise choice though just to understand what you are dealing with.
Also - stop nagging him. Any of us if continually picked at would lose control of our temper. It's an old story. Are those projects worth torpedoing your marriage?
<Blatant Spam>
Want to see some real anger - go look at my site www.glassgloves.com
See the about section to get just a window into what can happen when anger gets out of control. Also - you might search the site for anger - I remember writing one article about anger specifically that may help you.
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royce
member
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 155
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Well I think it is pretty much a given that he will be p"od(he runs on being p'od,what else is new?) but nonetheless that cant be used as a let out for him to do nothing about it...he needs to do something for his own sake about his temper and not just for the current relationship.My point is that counselling of the couple kind will not acheieve much for this relatiosnhip until it is "safe" for DV to be able to express here wants and desires(I am reluctant to use the words "needs") and for him to be able to hear her without getting into a rage.
Dv you may find that you will need to express your case in strong assertive terms (without "nagging" or it becoming an ultimatum with the marriage being the ante ) and said onece and once only...that is that he becomes aware of your bottom line.You can find out how this might be done in the book i suggested earlier by Harriet Lerner.
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shohn
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Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Understood and agreed.
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royce
member
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 155
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Dvgrl,you might also want to look up the work of John Gottman(in any good library) especially in regards to the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse (for both of you to read)...of course given the "reactive" way he responds I would imagine that the suggestion to read a book on anything counselling/coaching connected will sink like a lead balloon...however one can but try....
The Four Horsemen are as follows...number 4 being the most dangerous.
Criticism: Attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent ofmaking someone right and someone wrong Generalizations: “you always…” “you never…”“you’re the type of person who …” “why are you so …”
2. Contempt: Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her Insults and name calling: bastard, wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy…” Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery Body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip
3. Defensiveness: Seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way) “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…” Cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own, ignoring what your partner said Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, you’re the one who …” Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying Whining “It’s not fair.”
4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness Stony silence Monosyllabic mutterings Changing the subject Removing yourself physicallyRemedies: Learn to make specific complaints & requests (when X happened, I felt Y, I want Z) Conscious communication: Speaking the unarguable truth & listening generously Validate your partner (let your partner know what makes sense to you about what theyare saying; let them know you understand what they are feeling, see through their eyes) Shift to appreciation (5 times as much positive feeling & interaction as negative) Claim responsibility: “What can I learn from this?” & “What can I do about it?” Re-write your inner script (replace thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent victimization with thoughts of appreciation, responsibility that are soothing & validating) Practice getting undefended (allowing your partner’s utterances to be what they reallyare: just thoughts and puffs of air) and let go of the stories that you are making up
based on Why Marriages Succeed or Fail...John Gottman 1994.
Nagging is often heard as critcism....when something is not working(in this case "naggging") then do something different.
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Buckeye
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/08/05
Posts: 7857
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I think you both need some kind of counseling. If he does want to go, go by yourself.
Personally, unless he get anger management and you get counseling too, I don't see much hope for this marriage. It is not too far to guess that his anger management will get to physical abuse shortly. Try to stop it before it gets to that point.
If it doesn't want counseling and this behavior continues, I think you know the answer to the problem. Do it before you have children.
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19802
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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You both need counseling.
One thing I have found that works well with getting SO to do things is change the way I ask. Instead of saying "could you", I say "would you"; instead of say "can you", I say "will you". The difference is that "could" and "can" is about "ability" as in..."yes I am perfectly capable of taking out the garbage". On the other hand, "would" and "will" is about making a committment as in..."yes I will take out the garbage***".
*** - Note that you have to be specific in your request. If you want the garbage taken out "today", you need to add that to your request, otherwise it could be next week before he does it.
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liftnbhappy
journeyman
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 69
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Your husband will not seek counseling for his anger until he acknowledges that he has a problem with anger. Buckeye is absolutely right, anger grows and it will eventually lead to physical abuse. You can keep antagonizing him by "nagging" and you will keep getting the same response...him blowing up at you with his verbal abuse and perhaps one day soon that button will be pushed and he will lay a hand on you.
His sorry's are useless, because they hold no weight. He isn't really sorry about what he said to you, if he was sorry he wouldn't keep saying the same things. He uses the apologies as a form of control. He apologizes after he gets his release, and you have continually let him do it. You said yourself you give yourself enough time to "get over it" and then move on. There are no consequences for his actions. So you are an enabler.
If you want it to stop you need to let him know that his behavior is unacceptable. Seek counseling yourself like already suggested. Do you think you deserve to be called these names? You seem to try and justify his name calling by saying you are nagging him. So it's your fault he is calling you names? Get out of that mind set. Him calling you names is him crossing a line.
He won't seek help with it until he reaches rock bottom. Like already stated and then it will be a very hard climb out of it, if he WANTS to climb out of it. Most people dealing with anger management NEVER change. They change just enough to fool the people in their lives. They know exactly what they are doing with their anger. They use their anger to get what they want. Your husband uses his anger to get you off his back about whatever it is that you are currently asking him to do. And it works. I am sure if you are asking him about taking out the garbage he has his huge blow out of name calling and you end up taking out the garbage. He got what he wanted.
This is a decision you have to make all on your own. I would agree with previous poster that if there are no children involved get out before there is. People with anger management rarely change. You can stick it out with him, hit rock bottom with him and try and climb out of that whole together. That is where I am right now. And it is the fight of my life. And the ONLY reason I am doing it is because of my daughters. I should have walked away when we were dating and I realized he had a temper. But I was very young and naive and thought my love could "save" him. And I do love him, besides just having the girls. So it's your decision, but ultimately this is going to be a long drawn out struggle. Good luck.
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Or alternatively - you could just stop taking out the garbage and stop asking him to. It should start to bug him eventually, but I imagine you've tried that.
Also - please stop nagging because that isn't right either, but the next time he "blows up" - tell him that that behavior is not acceptable and you are leaving for one hour. The time limit implies that you are coming back so he doesn't freak out and try to prevent you from leaving - physically. If he does it again, leave for two and so on. I can't remember where I read that, but it is worth a shot.
Also pages 62-65 of the book "Romancing your Wife" by Debra White Smith and Daniel W. Smith should give you some insight into why he's acting this way and how to help him out of it.
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