goldiegirl
recently joined
Reged: 01/28/07
Posts: 9
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I've been lurking on this site for a while now and have decided to take the plunge!
I've been with my husband for 23 years and married for 18 of those. We have been separated now for 20 months and are having mediation sessions in preparation for divorcing. We have two children.
My husband has had a new partner now for the last couple of months and he has changed so much, back to the man I fell in love with. He has even changed so much in his dealings with me, so much so that all my feelings have returned and I am so confused.
We have moved on in the divorce process but haven't even really spoken about ending the trial separation and how we felt about it, it just flowed on.
I now feel very strongly that I want to get back with my husband, I miss him so much. But is this just a reaction to him having a new partner? It doesn't feel like it, it feels like a reaction to how he now behaves with me as he is so much more like the man he used to be. We have been through a lot of hard times business/financially which I firmly believe damaged our marriage because of all the stress - but that he feels had no effect.
I just don't know what to do, seem to spend most of my time crying. Any advice anyone, please.
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Does he have any interest in you?
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goldiegirl
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Reged: 01/28/07
Posts: 9
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I think so. He has commented on how we are able to talk again. Also a few weekends ago we spent some time working together and there was very definitely some mutual attraction going on but we both held back. It made me think even more about getting back together though.
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Okay - a couple of things - this doesn't sound like a fight to save your marriage - it just sounds like you are wondering what you should do.
I'm a bit biased because I'm one of those weirdos that believes in marriage pretty much no matter what happens except for spouse killing the children or ongoing adultery for years. Naturally, that means I'm going to advise you to save your marriage if you can. If he is a different person - is that because of the new girl or is it because he hit rock bottom and finally learned how to act right?
Anyway - my guess is that you initiated the divorce. All I can tell you is that it is more than possible to save the thing, but only you know whether you want to do that or not.
If there is still some mutual attraction, this would probably be a lot easier than saving many marriages.
I can't tell you whether you love him or not - only you know that, but if you want to save it I'm more than happy to share my experiences with you.
What would you like to do?
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goldiegirl
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Reged: 01/28/07
Posts: 9
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The separation was a mutal decision driven by both of us being so unhappy. He believed the problem in our marraige was because I had changed too much over the 20 years. I believed it was because we had both changed so much, partly due to time and having children and partly due to the huge financial stress we had been under for quite some time that had us both quite depressed.
I believe very strongly in family and it breaks my heart to be spliting mine up. He is difficult to talk to about emotional things as he is a 'logical' type and can just shut the door on things he feels he has dealt with.
Do I love him? Not like I did when we got married at this point in time because too much has happened that hasn't really been resolved. But yes, I still have strong feelings that could be made into love again. We had been counselling before we split up but frankly I was too depressed and confused to be able to use that counselling effectively and he was too angry to see my point of view.
Is he a different person because of the new girl or hitting rock bottom? He isn't a 'new' person, he is behaving like he used to do with us so he has 'remembered' how to act right! I had told him many times that this was what was missing from our marriage for me but he didn't believe it. So it is because of the new girl that he is acting lovely because he is trying hard for her but it is also rubbing off on his behaviour with me. It breaks my heart to know he can do this for someone else but didn't consider it necessary for me but also at the same time gives me hope that maybe our marriage may be able to be fought for. Does that make sense?
Yes please, I would like to hear your experiences. This is too important a matter to just let go and wonder If I should have tried to do something.
Thanks
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Hey no fair - knowing my bias - of course I'm going to say you should have tried, but I can see how you got there! Sometimes people just get tired.
If you want my experiences just search the posts for my name, but I think you still have a decision to make here.
If you do decide to pursue saving the marriage, then I can help some understanding the patterns based on my experiences and other folks, etc., but I'm not a marriage counselor or anything.
The first thing to do would probably be to figure out whether he is actually open to reconciliation. Is there a way to find this out without pushing on him too hard?
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goldiegirl
recently joined
Reged: 01/28/07
Posts: 9
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I asked him and he is not, so that is that. I feel heartbroken but I can not make him want to try again.
Thank you for your advice.
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Well not really, it just depends on how much you want to fight for the marriage or how much you actually love him. Do you love him enough to let him go for his sake or is this just for your loneliness?
It is never really over until the other person remarries or effectively remarries. 20 months is quite a stretch though.
When you asked him - was he cold or mean or angry about it or just indifferent?
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latoca
journeyman
Reged: 06/15/06
Posts: 60
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Questions to ask yourself, do you love him, or are you in love with him.. Major difference in the two. As dad says. If you love someone let them go, if they come back, they're yours, if not, they never were.
Goodluck!!
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goldiegirl
recently joined
Reged: 01/28/07
Posts: 9
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I do love him and would love us to be a family again. He thinks that I feel this way because he has a new partner. But I had been thinking about broaching this with him a few weeks before he told me about his girlfriend and of course I couldn't then.
When I asked him he wasn't angry, cold or indifferent but kind although he found it hard to understand that I could feel this way after so long. He explained that it had been too long and he has moved on. Basically, its taken me this long to deal with all the anger and resentment I felt and be able to look at our marraige and see where I was to blame for the problems as well. I hadn't said anything to him before because he never gave any hint of having any warming of feelings towards me and he is very good at giving off an unapproacable stance. My fault that I know.
Do i love him enough to let him go. I don't think I have that choice - he doesn't want me and has said so quite plainly, feels we are incompatible.
We have a good relationship which I want to maintain for our children's sake so pursuing this would make things very awkward there. I also don't want to push myself on someone who doesn't want me!
I know 20 months is a long time but it honestly didn't feel like 20 months. Sounds stupid doesn't it.
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