AloneInWyo
recently joined
Reged: 02/24/07
Posts: 9
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Just a warning - I bet this gets long - Sorry but I would greatly appreciate any advice or encouraging words if you have the time...
We have been married 8 years with 3 great kids, 7, 4 and 2. I have been lucky enough to stay home with the kids since the first one was born.
It's your all to common we began to change story. Eventually we decided it was time to call it quits New Years Eve 2003 but just couldn't bring ourselves to go through with it. One thing led to another and I ended up pregnant that night. Thank God for my baby girl but a big part of me wishes I would have wised up the next morning! (The only way I can think I would have been able to have her and still not have wasted the last 3 years.)
Since then it has been constant "I'll try harder" promises on his part and me actually being the one who is killing myself trying. Last September, he took a great promotion which would allow him to delegate and spend more time at home. The opposite happened - he is more committed to the job and less to me and the kids. He promises to be at one of the kids activities and never shows. He swears we're going to have a date and I end up going to work with him. I understand that he has to work but he makes the choice to do it all himself. The guys who work under him are more than capable.
All this time, I am feeling SOOOO alone. We live in him home town (population 1000). All of my girlfriends are the wives of his friends. Both of my sisters are in wedded bliss and don't get it and my parents think you don't break your marriage vows. So I really have NO ONE to talk to. My husband has been my best friend since the day we met. Who do you talk to when you can't talk to your best friend?
I have tried everything to communicate with him. I feel like I have to beg for his attention. I am trying to not be a burden but still remind him that I need him.
The last couple of weeks he has wanted to buy a horse (he is a true Wyoming cowboy/team roper - I hate it but that's what he loves and so I have always supported it) He got a new truck last summer and I bought him a horse a few years ago for our anniversary. Now, as I said, he needs a new horse he thinks. I decide that this may be another opportunity to show my support and not only supported that but took it a step further and bought him a new saddle other stuff for Valentine's Day. (For those of you who don't know that's being supportive the tune of $2000!!!)
NOTHING!!! I got a casual "thanks" and that's it. He then spent $10,000 of our money earmarked for bills and the kids on this horse!!! And is acting like a spoiled child. Now all of a sudden he has free time from work and spends it with the horse!
I have had it!!! I love him (or the person I know he has been) but I cannot live with someone who doesn't even notice I'm alive. Here is my problem - as I mentioned, I have been a stay at home mom pretty much our entire married life. The cars, house, and even the checking account are in his name only. I always thought that he made the money so... I have had access to the money when I use the debit card but that's it. And obviously that will end if I try to leave. I might sound naive but I really don't think he isolated me like this on purpose. However, it will be really convenient if we split.
I am so scared. I would love to try to save this yet again but he just doesnt want to put in the effort and I can't take anymore empty promises - to me or my kids.
I really think I am SOL. I have no money, am pretty much unemployable, and very very alone.
Does anyone have any experience with the unemployable stay at home parent situation???
Thanks - if you made it all the way through! It helped a little to put it in print but I am still terrified.
AloneInWyo
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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Being a single, divorced mother with no particular job skills is a tough row to hoe but it's doable. You'll receive child support and, depending upon the laws of your state, could entitled to half the marital assets (including the second horse, the first one being a gift to him). You may also be entitled to a short period of spousal support to permit school or job training. If he has a retirement account, IRAs, 401(k), etc. You will be entitled to a portion of those for the years you've been married.
It can be done, but don't expect it to be easy.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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AloneInWyo
recently joined
Reged: 02/24/07
Posts: 9
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I love your signature! My fear is how hard it will be.
We have spent the ENTIRE day arguing. I left out so many details (was long winded enough) He absolutely refuses to take any responsibility and doesn't see why him working much for the money isn't enough. I am so exhausted!
The last thing he said to me was "if I change, can you love me again?" I never stopped but I have to protect my heart. So many broken promises has taught me he will not put in his fair share of effort. Do I dare give him yet another shot? I want to save this but am not sure there is anything left to save and think maybe we should call it off before we hate eachother. My main concern right now is to remain as civil as possible because we will always have three kids together!
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RyanA
recently joined
Reged: 02/08/07
Posts: 11
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Alone, I happen to live in Wyoming also and am currently going through a divorce after repeated attempts at "saving" our marriage. My wife could basically switch places with your husband in regards to what i get back in the relationship and her rampant spending without thinking of consequences.
Im still in the first stages of the divorce and think that I'm not the right person to give you insight at this time as to what you should do but I can say that I've heard the "i can change" routine so much it makes me sick. For I know that if the person doesnt really want to change..they wont..ever.That is totally my opinion and point of view from my experience.
However, I read a Book called "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson ,Im not trying to push any book i can say that this in some way has helped me and I believe that if you want marriage to be saved then its worth a look. It didnt work for me but I now see my wife as totally mentally unstable.
I, like yourself am unemployed and am currently looking after my five year old beautiful little daughter and also am a full-time student at C.C. so Im experiencing the "lack of income" fear with leaving, but I will tell you that our state is wonderful when it comes to helping out single parents with children. It took me all of 4 days to get my PayWest card, medical insurance, and daycare assistance from the DFS. That even exceeded my expectations.
It was hard for me to look elsewhere other than my wife for support but I had to make that decision based on whats best for my little girl. I did this while still technically being married all with out my wifes name anywhere on the DFS paperwork.
So i hope that this can at least give you solace in the fact that THERE IS SUPPORT in our state and it came come fast. You will be supported by our great state in your time of need until you can learn a trade or just stay home with the kids.
I can also tell you that our state does not have alimony yet looks at all assets and debts of the marriage and splits them 50% regardless of who "earns" the money or who accumulates the debt.
Good luck and remember your NOT truly AloneInWyo although it may seem like it now.
Edited by RyanA (02/24/07 09:21 PM)
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AloneInWyo
recently joined
Reged: 02/24/07
Posts: 9
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Ryan A
I too am taking courses at CC although I am using distance ed. I was supposed to be done this semester but it doesn't look good.
I wasn't sure about the Paywest, child care, etc. Don't I have to mention his income in the paperwork? I haven't left yet. Do I need to leave first and then head to DFS? I hate to do that too but I am going to need help getting on my feet. I have three kids to care for.
Are you going to try to stay in school full time w/o working? I didn't think I had that option. The plan for for me to finish my degree and care for the kids through their early years. Obviously plans change.
You really did help me feel less alone.
Any tips you can give about getting help with that stuff would be greatly appreciated. I have no idea where to begin.
Thanks for reaching out
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AloneInWyo
recently joined
Reged: 02/24/07
Posts: 9
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RyanA
One other thing I didn't mention is that I don't want anything - well, my car would be nice. The house, truck, horse trailer, horses, etc. he can have it all! I want the kids and with his job, he cannot commit to caring for them except financially and his few days off. So how do you think the judge would handle that? And what happens when it is nothing but debt??? I assumed that if he keeps the house, truck, etc he has to make the payments. In turn, I assumed that if I want my car, I have to make those payments - yikes.
Basically does anyone know what happens when I don't even want 50%?
Can anyone shed some light? (I think I am going to post this under the financial forum too so sorry if you get this twice)Thanks
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shohn
member
Reged: 11/24/06
Posts: 185
Loc: Texas
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Do you really want to save it? I can tell you that it is definitely worth it, but sometimes it takes a man awhile to finally change or he needs to get hit over the head with a 2X4. Many of us simply don't understand what women are asking for until we get papers filed on us. There is no reason to push it that far if you love him - there are IMHO better ways of doing this.
Is his mother or dad around?
Is he just a basic workaholic - doesn't make it right that he works all the time, but you do know that this is sometimes a man's way of saying I love you. Check out "just for women" - another fine book.
I've never read the dobson books, but everyone I know who has read them said they helped out quite a bit. I read "The 5 love languages" by Gary chapman and a couple others.
Also, you may ask him this or have someone ask for you:
"Is working so hard for the family going to help anything if he loses his family?".
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Spamalicious Signature
http://www.glassgloves.com
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RyanA
recently joined
Reged: 02/08/07
Posts: 11
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My thoughts echo yours to the letter. I also dont want the "things", i dont want anything but my girl. And deep down i still want her. I can also say that in Wyoming all couples must attempt mediation before going to court. Because if you get to the point of divorce our state will let the couples decide who gets what and who gets whom. And if then it that fails then the courts will decide. This is what my lawyer told me.
What i was saying is that stay or go you have options. I told my wife give me the rights to the child and Ill take the debts for my wife cannot support my child with her job either. There are options even with seemingly insurmountable amounts of debt. Im saying look past the debt and the material things cause they will only cloud your vision, they are just more "things". Worry about whats important and you seem to be doing so.
I also agree with shohn, love and marriage are worth fighting for, so fight tooth and nails, but not at the expense of losing respect and dignity for yourself anymore. And being a man I can say that I would never work so hard to support my children and wife that I never get to see them or enjoy the best parts of the married life. But I can also say that I think my wife worked a little to hard because she really wanted not to see me.
Money is money but LOVE is LOVE. Love can bring you things money never ever can. For when all the money is gone or never there to begin with, true love and attention still makes you rich.
And thats just my take.
Edited by RyanA (02/24/07 11:21 PM)
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AloneInWyo
recently joined
Reged: 02/24/07
Posts: 9
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I understand that this is how he shows he cares about his family but I have said exactly that... keep it up and you won't have us around waiting at the door.
So I mentioned we have been "talking" all day and now into the night. I really thought we were getting somewhere and then the phone rang. It was work. Got the discussion back on track and then HE FELL ASLEEP! I'm exhausted too but c'mon! You'd think his marriage might be worth losing a little sleep over.
See what I mean? This is how he is. I am so tired of feeling like I'm not worth the time. I am wore out too everyday. Being a stay at home mom is not as easy as a lot of people think and a full time student too. Not to mention it is exhausting being the only one who has been trying to make this marriage work for so long. But don't think for a second that I would ever nod off if he showed the slightest interest in me at all!
There isn't a glimpse left of the man I married and I can't seem to find the girl I was back then either.
Hey, Shohn, got any 2x4's handy? I really am not sure if even that would work!
I am on the edge here. I cannot keep this up much longer.
I have spent this entire day, like many before, crying to him. Spelling it out. Nothing but "I don't want you to go. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
What does he expect me to do???
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Fab
newbie
Reged: 11/08/06
Posts: 37
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AloneInWyo, I have an idea to suggest to you. I know it must be hard for you to stay, but what if you spend your time focusing on yourself, making yourself strong and confident, and then you face your potential divorce.
The “I don't want anything” attitude is not good for you. The feelings you are having right now will pass, and you will be let with nothing. Actually, if you get divorced, and he gets a girlfriend, it will upset you that another woman is living in your house, bla bla bla.
It seems to me that you still love him, maybe even more than yourself. Take a break of all these problems, take your mind to some other places, you can even take a break of him.
Maybe you should wait until you graduate and get a job. You have put 8 years of your life on this relationship, during this time he has grown professionally, in part because of your support. It’s not fair for you to leave with nothing.
PS. Who cares what he expects you to do? – Got the idea?
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