terran631
recently joined
Reged: 03/12/07
Posts: 2
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Hi,
I'm new here and quite honestly I never thought I would end up in a divorce. I've been divorced for about three years now. While I was married, my ex worked very long hours and to that end he was very rarely home. Our marriage declined when he decided that he wanted more freedom to go out every night and do as he pleased when he wasn't at work. When we divorced, he gave me full custody of the children with his having liberal visitation. For him, liberal visitation means one day a week for about 7 hours with my daughter (she is not in school) and 4 hours with my son (he is in school). His work hours are still somewhat long but he usually has evenings and Sundays off. He never asks to have the children and when I offer, he begs off because of other plans.
Recently, he has been cancelling even his Wednesday visits. (the last four actually) I want him to be more active in his children's lives. His son misses him terribly, our daughter really doesn't seem to mind. I have to answer DS's questions about his father and I tell him that daddy had something important to do. But my son is 8 and very perceptive. It's hurting him that his father isn't around. How can I help him? Would it help to have DS tell his father how he feels?
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19803
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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I have to answer DS's questions about his father and I tell him that daddy had something important to do.
---> Quit lying to the child.
Would it help to have DS tell his father how he feels?
---> I would talk to Dad FIRST...tell him that the children love him, miss him and that it is hurting them when he cancels. That up to now, you have been making excuses, but no more. From now on, HE gets to tell the children and that he better not lie.
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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terran631
recently joined
Reged: 03/12/07
Posts: 2
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[quote]
I would talk to Dad FIRST...tell him that the children love him, miss him and that it is hurting them when he cancels. That up to now, you have been making excuses, but no more. From now on, HE gets to tell the children and that he better not lie. [/quote]
I've tried. Last week when he cancelled I told him how much his kids miss him. He said he knew and he would do better. That was before he called me this morning and cancelled for this Wed because he took an impromptu trip to Florida (we live in Ohio) to "get away from everything." Oh and BTW, he says, "I probably just lost my job too."
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jil_stevens
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/31/06
Posts: 3893
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Well, I got tired of trying to find something to tell the kids so they wouldn't feel bad. Now I just answer with "I don't know why, you'll have to ask your dad." Then they go ask him, and he is the one stuck making up excuses. And the kids know he is lying...but it is better than having both parents lying if you kwim
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momx3
old hand
Reged: 04/19/06
Posts: 1036
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I made excuses for my ODS's father for too many years....and I regret every excuse I ever made.
Be honest with your children. If he says he is missing because "he just had to get away," tell your children that is the reason Dad is missing visitation this week. You don't have to be cruel, just truthful.
When the children get a little older and have better preception of people, I agree with what jill says: let the children ask him the why. That is how I handle things now (my DS is 15) and it is amazing how, even at that age, he can read his Dad like an open book. And I don't have to say or do a single thing! :)
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I'm not bossy...I just have better ideas!
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Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19803
Loc: Third rock from the sun
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Call Dad back and tell him that the kids will be there on Wednesday because YOU have something YOU have to do and if it's a problem then HE needs to find a babysitter because it's HIS parenting time!
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If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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Honesty is the best policy. If you don't know the answer to a question, admit that you don't know and try to couple that with something uplifting.
"Honestly, honey, I don't know why your dad has chosen not to use his parenting time. You are a fantastic person, who is intelligent, loving and funny. Any person would be lucky to spend time with you."
Telling a child that dad has "something very important to do" implies that there is something more important than the child....which is never the case.
At his age, I would still be inclined to advocate on his behalf. He's awfully young to try and find the language necessary to get his feelings across. If you talk to dad, and he gives you a lame answer....be honest. "I talked to daddy about missing his time this week, and I wasn't very satisfied with his answer. I don't know the real reason he can't come."
Some other little things you can do....don't say anything about the parenting time until you know for sure that dad's on his way....find alternate activities for the times that dad doesn't show....ask the school counselor if there's a "children in divorced families" group at his school....encourage him to write stories or draw pictures about the way he feels, even though dad may never see them.
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PhoenixRising
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/05/07
Posts: 3681
Loc: New York
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The OP stated: "he took an impromptu trip to Florida to "get away from everything." Oh and BTW, he says, "I probably just lost my job too."
This guy sounds like he is going through some serious mental shyt.
It might be better for the children to give him some space. He might not be capable of making good parenting decisions right now. No sense putting the children at risk.
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