Parenting2
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Reged: 07/17/05
Posts: 7
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My husband and have separted after two children and eleven years of marriage. He was mentally and physically abusive to me and the kids. After three suicidal attemps and being admitted into the hospital he was diagnosed as being Bi-Polar. While I was working to support us, he was at home accumulating debts and hiding bills.(When he wasn't sleeping.)
I had to move out of our apartment with the kids and move in with my parents to catch up on all the bills he left behind. I told him that he did not have a home to come back to. We were going to be evicted before he was released from the hospital. He moved in with a friend, until his generosity ran out. My husband moved into his own apartment for a short time and then decided to move to Texas to live with his mother.(We live in Kansas.) He has asked me to bring the kids for him to visit countless times, but I told him that it his responsibility to come see the kids-because we did not move away from him.
Even though he is now on medication and he has said that he has is Bi-polar in control, I am still very worried about letting him visit with the kids. We are NOT legally separated or divorced. He could "kidnapp" the kids and I would have nothing to stop him. I am unsure if I am ready for a Divorce, but a separation would not be less expensive. (Not that the money is what is important.) But I feel if I do Divorce-my husband should have to share the expense of the divorce.
I also want him to have supporvised visitation with them, but I do not trust his mother to keep the kids safe. She has already proven to protect her son in the past during times when he was involved in "criminal activity".
I am considering moving to Oklahoma next year. Will I have to file again for custody in another state?
Is there a difference in divorce and seperation when it comes to child custody? :confused:
Edited by Parenting2 (07/17/05 07:44 PM)
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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He could get a temp order for visitation while separated. Once the court makes the order, either separated or divorced, it is a valid order. If you cannot show that he's been a danger to the kids, he's going to get viz. However, since you can show it was his choice to leave the state, he will most likely be responsible for all the transportation costs of such. Yet, if you later move to OK, he can have the order ammended and you can find yourself responsible for some of the costs.
If he's now on medication and getting medical attention for BP, why not give it another try and see if things have changed? Start by dating again...don't have to move right back in with one another. But that would mean he'd need to move back to the state. See if he's willing to do that. If it can be worked out, it's much better than divorce on both the finances and on the kids.
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Char Fox
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Parenting2
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Reged: 07/17/05
Posts: 7
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Thanks for your reply. That is almost to scary to contemplate. I don't trust him. I'm not sure I could ever trust him again. After he abused his own son I wanted to kill him. I was so angry. That is another reason why we are not together. I did not want to become like him. I was not going to let my children think Love was all about survival.
Maybe, that sound strange. I wanted them to know Love and marriage wasn't about arguing all the time and letting someone treat you like you are less of a person because they are a control freak. It will probably take me eleven years of theropy to get over eleven years of heartache. I know I can forgive him for the problems, but I don't think I could ever trust him again.
Edited by Parenting2 (07/21/05 04:49 PM)
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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How old is this son? Is the abuse documented? If the son was a minor, and the incident documented/proven, that could mean he may get supervised visits because of a history of child abuse.
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Char Fox
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CFMBUG
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Reged: 07/24/05
Posts: 2
Loc: Keystone Heights FL
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Hi.. I know what your going thru. My husband was diagonised with Bi Polar about 3 years ago. Now, our lives are in shambles. We have 2 children and I'm 5 months pregnant. In my opinion, in regards to the medication to his condition and visitation, I would stick to your guns and have supervised at least for a few months. With my husband anything and everything can and will set him off. I have no idea and I don't see it coming when he loses control. Take extra precaution when it comes to your children. Trust your instincts. Also, be sure to keep God first in your lives. I am glad to see I am not alone with this condition. I read all the time how many many people are diagnoised with it, but I never hear about what truely happens in there day to day lives. WHen I read your article, I felt like I had posted it myself. Hugs and kisses to you and your children. Stay strong. God Bless
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Parenting2
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Reged: 07/17/05
Posts: 7
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Our son was eight. No, I did not call the police. I was so much in shock and denile that he would hurt him.
But it took that for me to say, "You have a problem. I can't help you. You have to get help." He said that our son was young and he'd forget about it!
I said,"You tried to kill him!Would you forget that?"
He didn't feel that he had done anything that extreme.
From that, he went a friends house and said he was suicidal because he thought I was going to leave him and he couldn't handle anything anymore.Thank God, his friend took him to the hospital.(at the time I felt it was part of his control by threatening with suicide. That was only the millionth time he had threatened me with that when he didn't get his way.)
That was about 10 months ago. I talked to his therapist today. She beleives that he is doing better on his medicine.
She says we should take it slow with visitation. I don't personally think she has a full effect of his problems. She only sees him twice a month. I hope he is. I want the kids to see him. Just not for a long period of time. I don't think he could handle it. he'd get frustrated and be more likely to lash out. Oh, he did tell the psychologist that he had choked our son. So I know they have a record of him admitting to being abusive.
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Rebecca5
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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It's weird when you read things that sound like your own life. The ex and I have been divorced for...jeesh....7 years now.....due to his mental health issues. I felt the same way when I asked him to move out. He left the psych unit and moved in with friends. I was so numb after the years of heartache, the only time I felt sad was when the kids were sad. I hadn't loved him in a long time. Actually, I felt fairly repulsed by his presence. It's just hard to feel good about someone who can't get off the couch, even to shower....yick.
If I were in your position, I would file for divorce in Kansas...if that's the route you decide to take. At that time, you can ask for custody, parenting time arrangements and eventually, permission to remove the children to a different state. Since he's in TX, it would be absurd for a judge to deny your move....unless it's for an insane reason, like you met a new lover on the Net.
The mental health issues, coupled with suicide threats and "criminal activity," make a *good* case for supervised visits.....add that to the child abuse and it becomes stronger. If you had proof of any of these things, it would be even stronger. I hope your children are seeing a counselor as well.
You can ask for a graduated parenting time schedule, contingent upon his participation in therapy and the monitoring of his medications by a physician....but that requires a LOT of documentation.
At the very least, I would file for a tremporary order. If things get better and you decide to try to make it work, it's easier. If you decide to proceed with the divorce, the temporary order is a good starting block.
Best of Luck.
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Parenting2
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Reged: 07/17/05
Posts: 7
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I have been reding up on Divorce and Child custody and what to expect. I haven't totaly convinced myself to get into debt with a lawyer. Debt is a big issue with me. My husband has made so much and I have paid for all of it. I am not currently in debt, but I am afraid if I don't go ahead with a divorce or separation I may get stuck with his medical bills. He was on my insurance when we split. I called the company and told them that I wanted to drop him, but they wouldn't let me. I talk to the HR at work- she said I'd have to have something legal to remove him. Because I am the primary care holder I assume that means I am responsible
for the medical bills he doesn't pay. How is that fair?
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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No, that does not mean you're responsible for his bills. If you did not sign for his medical expenses, they should be in his name and not yours. If they are in both your names, you can either speak with the providers if you did not sign and ask to have your name removed as you never approved the services. If they won't remove you, the court will have to assign the debt to one or both of you.
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Char Fox
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Worriedsinglemom
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Reged: 08/03/05
Posts: 22
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I know this is off the subject that is listed. But it sounds like this page is a lot of help and I can use it right now. I am afraid if I move I might have to pay the costs of visits. But he has never been a part of her life and pays no support. PLEASE READ...........
Okay.... I just need a little advise to clear my head. I filed for divorce and did the process on my own. I received everything by default and 2 days before the 90 day period (before the divorce was final) my ex put in a motion to vacate the default. We ended up in court and they gave him two weeks to file his response. He filed it and now we will be in court on Friday. The thing is my daughter is only 16.5 months old. He does not have ANY relationship with her and when she was first born he would bounce in and out of our lives because he didnt like the way things were going. Child support was ordered but he hasnt EVER paid a cent. I decided to move to Ca from Wa. I feel it is a better chance for her to have a better life instead of a dead beat that may or may not follow through with anything. What I am concerned on is if anyone thinks they may make me travel back and forth? Or will they make him until he shows he has established a relationship with her? She has no clue who he is and I am afraid he will confuse her. I am scared of Friday.... I have done everything for this case and now at the last minute he feels he has a right to put in his two cents. He has never been there.... I dont get it.... PLEASE.... Anyone reading this let me know what you think
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