ilovebeingadad
recently joined
Reged: 04/23/07
Posts: 8
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To make a long story short. Divorced in 2005. Was like mourning a death for me - the loss of family, my wife, and seeing my daughter everyday. Our issues were reconcilable to me though she opted for divorce. I had my own business and she said I loved my business more than her. At times I was incredibly busy but always made time to have breakfast lunch, dinner, a date with my wife every now and then, etc. And we shared the responsibility of our daughter, cooking, cleaning; it wasn't on her as some traditional homes are out there. Ah.. Always two sides and we were both at fault.
We kept our divorce healthy, our daughter was 2yrs when we separated and 3yrs when we divorced. For the first year I had my daughter 4 days a week - loved it.
I will say my ex was controlling when we were married and seems to be now too divorced as well.
I want to know if what I'm doing is wrong because my ex is ruthless, god for bid she takes the higher ground and is flexible and cool... never.
Here's where I need advice:
We have shared custody. My ex gets angry with me when I take a day off from work and keep my daughter out of daycare for a day. It's a preschool/daycare.
My career is such that I am able to take a day off whenever I want. So probably once a month I take a day off and my daughter and I do something fun/constructive. My daughter speaks with us every night depending on who's house she's at and my ex finds out when asking her how her day was... our divorce is healthy so my daughter of course is excited to tell her.
My ex says the importance i put on school isn't as high as hers, that if I take another day off and keep our daughter out of daycare ("there's going to be a problem and she's going to have to look at the schedule again") a.k.a possibly file a motion to the court. I always speaking calmly and collectively, I tell my ex that I'm obviously not going to be able to do this when she starts kindergarten, and I only take time now because I know one day I won't be able to, because she'll need to attend school regularly. I also tell my ex that I don't put on an air with our daughter like we can do what ever we want when she's with me, I explain it as a privilege, and because I love her and want to spend time with her. What can I say, 3 to 4 days a week with her is sometimes not enough. My ex chose to get a boyfriend while we were separated, move in with him 3 months after divorce, I have remained single so that I can direct all my time and focus on my daughter.
I guess I'm just wondering if she has anything here... in court, etc.? It's never been bad, she filed for divorce and we were divorced with that one motion... we were represented by the same attorney, not because of money, because I wanted things to be as healthy as possible.
I don't know what to say to my ex sometimes, she is so insatiable. I always go above and beyond to set an example. Buy her christmas and birthday gifts from our daughter (nice gifts too, like 150 dollar massages) and she doesn't seem to care. She is so angry.
Thanks to whoever read this... obviously I'm still dealing with a great deal of pain.
Best - Mark
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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"I guess I'm just wondering if she has anything here... in court, etc.?"
I can't imagine a judge changing your custody situation because you choose to spend some quality time that removes your child from preschool once a month.
What a lucky little girl. 
My first thought was that maybe mom is a little jealous of your relationship with your daughter. Of course....she could easily have the same kind of relationship, but for some people it's easier to berate others for their actions, rather than changing their own behavior.
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Grace
addict
Reged: 08/19/04
Posts: 404
Loc: KY
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I agree with Rebecca, I can't see a judge having an issue with this.
Your daughter is lucky to have you and maybe one day your ex will realize this too.
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Dyslexic agnostics don't believe in Dog.
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ilovebeingadad
recently joined
Reged: 04/23/07
Posts: 8
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I really appreciate the advice. For some reason I couldn't remember this when I first wrote this post, but it's the most difficult and kind of hurtful thing my ex says when on my days with my daughter I keep her home from pre-school, and that is, she asks "Is this good for our daughter or good for you?" which she always follows up and says, "It seems it's something you're doing for you" I should also say my ex comes from a dysfunctional divorced household. I'll also say she's very grounded and has a [censored] understanding of what her parents did wrong, and the mistakes they made, assuring she'd never repeat them with our daughter, I come from a situation where my parents will be married for 39 years this year.
I understand when she goes to real school, kindergarten on up I would never have her stay home a day a month with me just to have fun... exception to vacations or her being ill. My Ex always calling me out on this unfortunately makes me feel like a big loser. I'm just a loving dad. Again I appreciate the advice. There's always two sides so I'm not trying to paint this awful picture of my ex and trying to create the impression I'm a saint. Although, I'm a dam good dad. I would never yell, hit, scream, I don't believe in time outs. I teach her about integrity, life, and the true meaning of unconditional love.
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nrvouswrk
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/13/06
Posts: 2362
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How lucky your little girl is! When my son was in daycare/preschool, and I had a day off, I did the same thing. You know what? He was still able to be prepared for kindergarden.
It isn't as if they are teaching the alphabet, and you are removing her on the only day that she will be taught what the letter "E" is. A day with daddy, will be far more memorable.
You said you have your daughter 4 days out of the week...are you taking her out on your days or your ex's? If it is on one of hers, that might be part of the problem. If it is on yours, it shouldn't be.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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It sounds like what it amounts to is a difference in parenting styles. You put more importance on quality time with your daughter and she puts more importance on pre-school. I don't think either of you are right or wrong, you just have different views. I think it's great that you can take a day off to spend with her and I don't see anything wrong with it, but if your x likes to control every situation I'm not surprised she doesn't like it. After all it's not her idea. Besides, once she starts kindergarten she'll probably have at least one day off a month anyway and you can work it around that and still have your time together.
I highly doubt a judge would see it any differently. If she threatens court just tell her that you will ask for attorney costs since it's a ridiculous thing to tie up the courts time with.
No one can really say why it seems that the person who files for divorce has the most anger issues, but I think it's common. I went through the same thing, but it did get better with time. You just have to remember that you don't have to satisfy her every whim anymore.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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ilovebeingadad
recently joined
Reged: 04/23/07
Posts: 8
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wow-awesome advice debi thanks. i guess I just always have this fear she's going to somehow have her taken away from me. its my problem I feel that way, abandoment issues, what can I say.
regardless my ex is always stepping, critiquing and over controlling the situation. there's nothing I wouldn't do for my daughter, I value our time together so much. at 5 years old my daughter understands the entire situation, and has for sometime. she'll say "daddy, I want you to know that sometimes it's really hard for me to think you and mommy will never be together again" ---brought tears to my eyes. my ex is definitely jealous I think, I think she's jealous of the chemisty my daughter and I have. I can just tell. thanks again.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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Don't let anyone undermine your parenting abilities. If you know you're a good dad with your daughters best interest at heart then your golden. There are many people on these boards (men and women) who wish the other parent would spend more time with their kids. It's especially important at a young age to make sure they know they are loved and important. That's what you're doing. Next time she tells you she has to "review the schedule" just tell her you may have to do the same thing.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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c_jane
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 04/06/07
Posts: 1755
Loc: In the Great State of Texas
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Depends on the judge. And who is supposed to 'have custody' during that 'day'. Mom could make a stink & judge could uphold it. That's what happened to me. I lost my son at 9 months old and couldn't bear to go days w/out seeing him. Since I got out of work early, I would head over to his daycare & sit with him in the daycare room (I asked permission first & it was OK with the daycare owners) for about an hour before his Dad was due to pick him up. Dad found out about it, called his lawyer, they hit me with 'defying court-ordered possession time' because when I held my son on my lap IN THE DAYCARE I had 'possession' of him & that was not my time to have possession.
Judge upheld it; I had to pay both his & my court costs, and was barred from the daycare forthwith. Son's dad is an A**.
Quote:
"I guess I'm just wondering if she has anything here... in court, etc.?"
I can't imagine a judge changing your custody situation because you choose to spend some quality time that removes your child from preschool once a month.
What a lucky little girl.
My first thought was that maybe mom is a little jealous of your relationship with your daughter. Of course....she could easily have the same kind of relationship, but for some people it's easier to berate others for their actions, rather than changing their own behavior.
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John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm.... He's not planning anything.
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ilovebeingadad
recently joined
Reged: 04/23/07
Posts: 8
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that's ridiculous that happened to you I'm sorry for that.
Actually I only keep her home on my days (daddy days as we call them)
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