lovey482003
recently joined
Reged: 04/23/07
Posts: 3
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Maybe someone can give me an outlook on things. I am a grandmother of 3 and also a messed up due to illness of ms and other and also devestated . I love my husband so very much and really miss him alot. But from 1990 to 2000 we had issues but we dealt with them thru counseling but since 2000 we faced trial dealing with mmj. Now it seems that stress of it all took a toll on our mariage and our agenda of working on our marriage changed. I am in support of it, don't get me wrong, but when it over takes everything its diffrent when it becomes first before your marriage voes. But also we had issues of many, dying step father , elderly mother, ect. Now I was forced to leave for fear. All I could hear was screaming and raging for days on end, about me, my illness, my character defects, but wat got me the most was the screaming I had wanted a divorce for 5 years now. I left devestaed and crying and went to stay with my daughter in a diffent state. I am unhappy without this man, whom I have shard most of my life with. But I can not handle the situation on hand, with the roomie/ whom he listens to whom has moved in for tem which turned into something diffrent without discussing it with me. I want him to leave, but husband wants him to stay . I am confused and devestated . I have never cheated on this man for 17 years, never gave him cause to believe that I would lie to him and as a woman, I have my trust issues at times when I feel insecure. But my illness is a rough road for anyone to handle and he tells me he can't cope with me anymore. I feel betrayed, unloved, and feeling very very alone. I still love the man, and we are separated now and have been for close to a month. Icry everytime I think of him or hear his voice on the phone. I break down everyday, at one point or another. But only time will tell if our marriage will come together once again. But I made the choice to leave for fear of his irate rage that doesn't stop. He blames me for alot of things. So now I am unsure of what I want from him. I want him back as my husband. But he needs to get ahold of his temperment and get this other person out of our lives. But it will never happen. Its important to him to continue and I am being unfair. But I do not think I am. I did not marry him to have a life continuing living with invites allowed to live iwth us just becasue they are in need. For a few months ok but not permanently. Its our time, for years I lived with many friends , now we are getting older and I woul love to live with him only and I do not feel that is too much to ask.
Having an illness gives no spouce an excuse to abuse them in anyway nor jsut give up on them. I feel torn in two and my heart is broken. I start counseling soon in a new state. All I am having to do is take one day at a time. It hurts really bad, but having support system really helps in time of need. I know no one in in, but I hope to sometime soon. But still, the pain is still there. The love is stil there and my character defects will always be there. Any inputs welcome for this 52 year old woman.
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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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The only input I can offer you is to get into your counseling sessions, attend them frequently, and take care of your health. Your post shows how confused you are and how much pain you're in, and I'm sorry for that. One thing that you can't deny though, is that living in that environment made you miserable, and it affected your health. You left for a reason, and until you gain the strength, and the perspective, to think clearly, you would be wise to stay away from him.
You've made it through a lot of chaos and hurt and managed to get to 52yrs old - you are strong enough to focus on getting yourself healthy first. He can wait.
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