verysad
newbie
Reged: 04/10/07
Posts: 31
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continue to contact daily? He is the one that wanted the seperation, not me. He contacts me 1st thing every morning and before I go to sleep. Usually it is Good morning, I hope you have a nice day and good night sleep good.
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lsutton
enthusiast
Reged: 08/15/06
Posts: 226
Loc: Indiana
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Maybe you just shouldn't answer the phone.
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HO2
member
Reged: 08/14/06
Posts: 178
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Why does he contact you?
Firstly, he is used to knowing what you are up to, and men tend to be territorial...that has absolutely nothing to do with love.
Secondly, it is a very efficient way to keep you hooked. No commitment, no honest effort to work on the relationship, but constant contact so that you cannot move on.
It is probably reassuring for him to know that he can walk back into your life any time he wants to. And maybe contacting you makes him even feel like the 'good guy'...like 'I do not love you anymore, but look, it is not like I am cold and indifferent!!! I am a good person.'
Whatever his reasons, as long as he is not willing to recommit and work on the relationship, I would just say:
'Please back off so that I can heal and start anew, hopefully with someone who is willing to fully commit to me.'
I know this is not what you want. I know you probably think that as long as you are in touch with him that will keep him from moving on and hooking up with someone else as well...but believe me a leaver can talk to you three times a day to ease his conscience and still hook up with someone else. You risk end up feeling truly shattered.
Don't get me wrong: It is okay to keep the door open, but you should be the one to say on what terms he is allowed to have that special place in your life. Right now you are just the helpless victim, analysing, hoping, guessing. Get out of that role. If he wants to have the right to bug you in the morning and the evening about what you are up to, he has to do more than just call.
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Debbie_L
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/06/05
Posts: 2031
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What HO2 said - couldn't say it better myself.
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matart1
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
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he does that because he can and because he knows that you will be there to hang on and to respond and wait for his next call......in essence you are prolonging and making it worse.
till you get angry at how he is making you feel after these calls then you continue to post under the name "verysad" instead of " of 'bout damn time" lol.
it is always hard at first but you have to first find the distance to in order to heal yourself.
only after some time will you be able to then look or talk to him and then say - oh it's just you...
don't give him the satisfaction.
--------------------
Life is a long lesson in humility.
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verysad
newbie
Reged: 04/10/07
Posts: 31
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thanks everyone. I agree. He is working about 3 hours away for a few weeks maybe he is just lonely. I just wish I had the guts to tell mim either shyt or get off the pot. Maybe I don't really want to know the answer. But it has been a few weeks and I am "Starting" to get mad at the whole situation. I told him what I was willing to change and all he said is that he doesn't know. I have made no contact with him for a few days. He contacts me. I will resist the urge to pick up the phone or return calls.
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matilda
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 11/11/04
Posts: 2087
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I agree that you should be busy and not answer the phone all the time. Who knows it might drive him a little crazy wondering why you aren't waiting for his phone. If you are tempted to answer the phone then maybe take a walk or a bubble bath so that you are busy when he would call. Do you have any single friends that you can start going out with more often? Maybe a club or activity such as a bowling league. I love bowling. If you are angry you could just picture his face on the head pin and nail it with your ball LOL
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aprlshwrs
recently joined
Reged: 04/29/07
Posts: 4
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From what I've read about your husband, he sounds A LOT like my husband. I am also trying to save my marriage. He always does this sort of thing to me. We have a huge fight, sometimes he leaves, and then he calls me. He'll do the same thing, call in the morning to tell me to have a good day, calls to tell me goodnight. We could be arguing and saying we want a divorce, then he'll say 'you know, I still love you' Anyway my point is, I have read all your posts and I understand exactly what your going through. The only difference is I got unexpectantly pregnant 2 years ago and now we have a 1 year son together. And if we didn't have our son, I have come to the conclusion that it is not worth all the heartache. The only reason that I am trying to make this work now is because of my son. I think that when men do this to us, it is a way of controlling us. I think that they love to have that power over you and they also need that boost of confidence. Like being able to get you into bed even though you've just discussed a divorce. I'm sure that he really does love you, just like I know my husband loves me. But I'm beginning to believe that love's just not enough. There is a lot more involved in making a relationship work than just loving eachother. He needs to show that he is committed to your relationship. Believe I do know how hard it is. But you have to be strong. Don't let a man control your life. I agree with the other replys that you've gotten, you need to make yourself unavailable to him. Get invovled in positive activities and don't be home when he calls. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF and do things to take your mind off of him. Is there anything that you liked to do that he didn't? Take advantage of it and do these things again. He's out having fun with his friends camping and stuff. Don't be sitting around at home waiting for his calls. Do something for yourself! He's having fun, so you need to get out there and have more fun than he is.
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verysad
newbie
Reged: 04/10/07
Posts: 31
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I spoke to him last night. He contacted me. In a nut shell, I told him for my sanity, I cannot keep playing the waiting game. He told me that he is still tring to weigh and figure out what is best for him...WTF??? and that I need to bare with him or not. He won't hold it against me if I move on. Sounds a bit selfish to me! I think I have figured this all out. He wants me to end it so he doesn't look like the bad guy. I told him that we should try counseling to see if there is anything left. He said he is still trying to see if he thinks that is true. Well, anyway, I woke up at 4:30am mad as hell. I am still open to reconcillation, but my heart is closing more and more to the idea. I doubt I will here from him today.
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Debbie_L
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/06/05
Posts: 2031
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He's stringing you along. I would cut off all contact for now if I were you. Your head will clear up much quicker that way. He doesn't want a reconciliation, he's just playing.
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