momof2gymbrats
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Reged: 04/30/07
Posts: 9
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Ok. Here's the situation. I separated from my husband in Aug of 05 and started dating again in Dec of 05. Now, the reason for my separation/divorce is because of his infidelity for almost our entire marriage.
I've had time to talk to my children (14 and 10) about trust issues. Do they trust me to make decisions that I feel is in the best interest for our family. Do they trust me. Do they trust my boyfriend of almost a year and a half. The answer are all yes. BUT, when I discuss us all moving in together, the 14 yr old gives me a lot of trouble.
I know this is what I need to do to move on and gain my independence back again (we've been living w/ my parents). My boyfriend and I are very much in love, but aren't quite ready to commit to marriage since we have both had bad relationships.
Does anyone have any advise on how I can handle this with her? All suggestions welcomed!!! Thank you!!!!!
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Debi
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
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Hmmmm. 14 yo's are tough some times. I think it's great that you included the kids in the discussion but unless there is a clause in your CO preventing you from living with an opposite sex non-family member the ultimate decision lies with you and your SO. You have been together nearly a year and a half so it's not like he just walked into their lives a couple of months ago. She needs to know that while you love her very much you are the adult and you call the shots. Kids that age do NOT like change, and obviously the kids have had a lot of it in the past couple of years. If you feel the situation is the best thing for the family then do it and she will come around.
Earlier this moth I told my kids that I'm pregnant. My almost 13 yo threw the biggest fit you could imagine. Later that night I caught her studying the ultrasound pictures but I never said a word and the next day she apologized and now a few weeks later she is excited. They eventually accept the things they can't change.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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momof2gymbrats
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Reged: 04/30/07
Posts: 9
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Debbie;
Thank you for your understanding. I seem to be getting a lot of bashing. My friends tell me this is the best (as they know my entire situation), but when you have others telling you something different it makes you start questioning yourself.
Well, I guess tonight is "D" Day. I'm going to tell her. My 10 yo already knows and is extremely excited. Please keep your fingers crossed for me....Will let you know what happens!!
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I'm online on yahoo almost all day. Please feel free to im me at deanna_holden
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Debi
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Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
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Be prepared to be treated like crap for a few days. It's part of being a parent. If she yells, don't yell back, just tell her the decision has been made and she can sulk all she wants but it's not going to change your mind.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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BeckaLeigh
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Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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I have the old school frame of mind that if you arent ready for marriage, you arent ready to play house either. But, I am also of the same frame of mind that you are the adult, they are the kids. There is a reason for that. We supposedly make better decisions than they do.
I dont see how this is going to help your independence, going from your X to your parents to living with your boyfriend. What I would do if I were you, would be to get my own place, enjoy actual independence and then see about boyfriend. Of course, you are a grown adult. You make your decision. But, maybe you should think about it more?
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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momof2gymbrats
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Reged: 04/30/07
Posts: 9
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You're right, I'm NOT ready for marriage, but I am ready to move on with our relationship. I/we both want to make sure that we can "make" it before putting any of our children through more than they already have been. From my point of view, I think that's a respectable thing.
I understand about the independence thing. Here's a problem. My parents have become very controlling of myself and my children. Case point.....my b/f grandmother is very ill and he is going to visit her. I asked my parents if they would watch the girls so I could go w/ him and was told no, I couldn't afford it. I'm sorry, but that's where the controlling needs to stop and it's not going to stop until I'm out from under their roof.
I know, as I did when I made the post, that there would be others who didn't agree with me, but what I was looking for was for advise on how to handle this with my daughter without making it a sour issue.
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I'm online on yahoo almost all day. Please feel free to im me at deanna_holden
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Debi
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Reged: 06/03/05
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You're always going to get advice you don't want or didn't ask for on these boards. That's part of putting it out there. What I do is take the advice I can use and throw the rest away. Sometimes you get good advice even when it's not what you wanted.
I see your point and Becka's. I have been through so much that I'm a little leary of bad relationships myself but you have to consider that if it doesn't work out you will still be putting your kids through more whether you're married or not. I'm definitely not opposed to living together first.
I know I couldn't live with my parents. I stayed with my mom for 1 week after my divorce when our house sold and before I moved into my new place. It was about 6 days too long. I can definitely understand the controlling thing.
There's no great way to handle your daughter. If anything goes wrong EVER it will be all your fault and and she won't let you forget it. You have to decide what's best for you. We want our kids to be happy but I don't think anyone should put their entire life on hold to do it. Unless she has a good reason for feeling the way she does (like your SO being abusive) then she really doesn't get a say.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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rocketgirl
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Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
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If you are not ready for marriage, then don't play house. You are not teaching your kids about having good relationships by moving your boyfriend in. It creates more problems than it solves.
You want to make sure you can "make it" before putting your children through anymore? You don't think that they would be just as devastated if he moved in and you didn't "make it"? Quit fooling yourself. There's nothing respectable about shacking up. Sounds like this is the only way you can get out of Mom and Dad's house...
Your daughter has every right to feel like she does...I'd feel the same way.
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Lisa
Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.
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gr8Dad
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Reged: 06/07/04
Posts: 30386
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...don't "Hate" you every now and then, you aren't doing your job as a parent.
I completely agree with living with someone before marriage. I believe in it so much that I would actually SUGGEST it for my kids, when they reach the age when they are independent.
There are people that can date, spend time together, and get along great, but simply cannot live in the same house together. That is an awful thing to find out after you are married.
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...
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momof2gymbrats
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Reged: 04/30/07
Posts: 9
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First, I would like to thank everyone that replied. Yes, there were some harsh things to read, but I took everything in.
I did sit down with my daughter last night and talked to her. I asked why she felt that she wasn't ready to move in him. It all came down to....she wants her family back together. I completely understand where she is coming from. I am fortunate enough to still have my parents together and I can't imagine what she has been through int he past 2 years.
I explained that I am willing to try to find something closer to where we are living now so that she's not taken away from her friends or her completel environment. I did also explain that although I am not in any way try to replace her father, she does have to respect him as an adult, not only when it is convenient for her.
We've set a goal for the end of the summer and we're going to start looking at where we would like to live. Of course, one stipulation from her was to have her own room :-) I think I can deal with that!! I also made plans with her on every Friday to have "our" night together starting this week so that we can start talking and getting back to where we use to be.
Again, thank you for all of your advise.
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I'm online on yahoo almost all day. Please feel free to im me at deanna_holden
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