bacall
enthusiast
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 274
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Hello everyone! The weather in Chicago has finally broken and there were three layers of clouds this AM. Think it helped my spirits a bit, too. As time moves on, I am beginning to realize just how much decision making I relinquished over the years to my ex-husband. Am also realizing how disastrous this has been to my abilities today. It seems like every decision I have made over the last four years has -- you guessed it -- been the wrong one. It has left me constantly doubting myself and my own sense of what is the best thing to do. I spent 30 years of my life trying to put many other people first and basically always allowing them to make the decisions even in my own life. Now, faced with the reality of being on "my own" and being alone, I am seemingly incapable of deciding matters which are becoming increasingly important for my own life and survival. I feel I have made a gigantic mess of my life and don't even know where to start -- I know "baby steps" are necessary. I feel like an empty box and am wondering how to fill that box (my life) with all the ingredients it takes to live a good life. Anyone else come to a conclusion like this along the way? Anyone have some concrete ideas of how to begin? Feel much like the infant these days -- and have come also to the realization (lots of realizing, I guess!) that no one else can really come to your rescue when you are an adult. Take care everyone, bacall
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Hi Bacall,. Weather is cooler here in OH also, and a most welcome relief
I am a person who does not make snap decisions easily. Oh I can on the little things... but not the big ones. Paint and carpet color, I know you can do over, but I prefer to think on it and get it right the first time, cause I want to avoid the extra work and expense. These are not big decisions, just an example of a few minor ones that I take my time on. A dear friend, also a psychiatrist , and I discussed this at great length on one ocassion. his advise to me was to think about the issue, come up with my worst case scenario, think about how I would deal with that,decide if I was willing to risk that and then make my decision. I had already been doing this for years.
During our marriage, it was left to me to make all the major decisions on purchases for the home, (even as to which house to buy after stbx had decided the structural was OK) and everything to do with our son. Even right down to when we had to have both of our dogs euthanized, the decision was left to me. Honestly, I would have liked some help at times with these decisions and expressed that, but to no avail. I think he felt by leaving it up to me it removed him of any blame if things went wrong with the decision... he could always say well it was your decision etc. Financial decisions on buying cars, refinancing loans etc, he made up his mind, told me about it beforehand and I offered my opinion, but if different than his, I went along with his decision. This pattern went on for 26 or 27 years, then one day I came home from work, saw a strange car in the drive, thought we had company and instead found out stbx had , totally unbeknownst to me, traded in the old and purchased a new. That was odd, not knowing ahead of the act, and just the start of a pattern of his separation from the marriage, I just did not see it at the time. Amazing what often becomes clear upon reflection isn't it?
I still take my time with the big decisons, took me a few weeks to check out many cars when my old 92 bit the dust, then made a choice. I am very happy with my choice. It took me a long time to decide whether or not I wanted to stay in this house or move, as you know. Since I have not, for a few decades, regretted too many of my decisions, my method works for me.
I can't tell you how much Ihave long for a father or mother to come to my rescue at times. Adult orphans do still have need of their parents, I certainly could use my Mom's wisdom, and her presence, about every day of life. After 20 months of a dissolution attempt, the day I finally signed the papers to file for divorce, I got home and could feel Mom around me, and could hear her voice telling me "It's about damned time you did this."
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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alabama
enthusiast
Reged: 02/14/05
Posts: 228
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hey bacall...
I use a mnemonic...
RAM...
I'll share it...may or may not mean anything to ya...everyone has to find out what works for them...
R-Rely on you gut...
A-Ask questions...never, never, never be afraid to ask questions...
M-make mistakes...your gonna make'm...so you can't let the fear of them run your life...
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Sounds like a good plan to me Alabama.... one for sure can NOT allow fear to run their life. Heck that would mean they would stay huddled up inside their home, and what fun is that? Unless of course one is huddled up inside their home watching football on a big screen tv and eating pizza and drinking a real cold beer!
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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alabama
enthusiast
Reged: 02/14/05
Posts: 228
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O yeah...pizza, beer and a big screen TV...
however...the fear of the Panthers having a losing season does have me rather gripped though...
MY PRAYER:
oh lord please help Carolina have a winning season...and please help the worthless Browns...they really need your help...lord, that is at least until we are in the post-season at which time please only focus on the Panthers...thank you lord for your assistance in this matter...
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Well now, a big Thanks Alabama, for the prayer! Although I would have changed worthless to another word. I think the Browns will improve, they almost have to don't they? LOL. But you know I will still watch til the bitter end, always do. One thing I am not is a fair weather fan and I can tell you aren't either. Isn't it almost time for some pre season games?
The Hall of Fame game in good old Canton OH, (lived 12 miles from there for over 3 decades and in the city for 8 years) will be on in a few weeks. That is a rip roaring good time in Canton on all fronts, although Canton PD night not agree... I plan on being there for some of it, have relatives working security during some of the festivities. Back in 99, the Miami Dolphins were scheduled to play in the game, they stepped aside and gave their spot to the Browns, as was their first year back after the dastardly Modell's dirty deed. Thats what we call it in NE OH when we are being polite... I thought that was a nice move on the part of the Dolphins.
God, I can hardly wait for football season. I also like to go to the local hometown games.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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Hate to break this to you alabama and Karen but........watch out for the Steelers!! Go Big Ben!!!!!
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
Edited by kav (07/27/05 02:53 PM)
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Oh My God.... a steelers fan. Ah, thats OK, to each his own!.
Although I consider the steelers a #1 rival.... my son, now d-i-l and I were in Pittsburgh for an over night trip during play offs (mainly to go to IKEA) and watched the last half of the next to last play off game of the steelers in a local lounge. And I was hoping the steelers would win, they did, then lost the next game. Just before the end of the game we moved to restaurant area, and I honestly could not tell from the fans in there if the game had been won or lost, guess they didn't know either. I had to pop back into the lounge to find out.
Big Ben is good, but didn't he sort of, well fall apart, that last game? Seemed a shame after such a great season for him. He is young isn't he? He will be a more seasoned player this year and I'm sure, barring injuries, he will be a force to be reckoned with.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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Wow, odd for a Browns fan to want the Steelers to win. Yeah, Big Ben is young, fresh out of college. He had a lot of luck and it was bound to run out. But what a season to be a Steeler fan. They haven't been so hot the last few season's. What I like is there's Steeler fans in every city. I now live in Ct. and there's several bars here that have the Steelers on weekly with big Steeler crowds there. It's a blast!!! Anyway, I can be a good sport. Good luck to you with the Browns (but watch out for Big Ben)
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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alabama
enthusiast
Reged: 02/14/05
Posts: 228
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[quote] I think the Browns will improve, they almost have to don't they? LOL. But you know I will still watch til the bitter end, always do. One thing I am not is a fair weather fan and I can tell you aren't either. Isn't it almost time for some pre season games? God, I can hardly wait for football season. I also like to go to the local hometown games. [/quote]
Karen darlin...spoken like a true fan...god luv ya girl...
Well guys...this is it...
My ship is moving out...gotta make a living you know...
It has been a privilege and an honor to share these days with you...I will miss all of you very much...
this is alabama...signing off
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