BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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Last night, after getting off the phone with their dad, my DD9 and DS7 were a bit upset. When asked why, they each said they didnt want to talk about it. Hmmm. Made me wonder, but they know I'm not going to push them to talk til they feel comfortable doing so. Well, I just got off my cell with him a few minutes ago, and it seems he told them that their visit with his parents was going to be cancelled. Told them it wasnt a good idea for them to come up there til he had a vehicle of his own. That he was trying to get his life in order and he couldnt do that with the kids up there. I asked him why he didnt discuss it with me first so that things could be sorted out before the kids were upset over it. He said they are HIS kids and he will tell them any damn thing he wants. That he knows what is best for them. Anyway, we got into it, because they werent going up there for him anyway. They go stay with his parents and when he decides it is convenient, he goes and sees them. Unless it is like now, and he is living there. The thing that makes me mad is that the arrangements werent made with him, they were made with his mom and dad. He has no visitation. And anyone who knows me will tell you I have given him way more than he deserves. Anyway, he goes on to tell me that I can raise the kids on my own from now on with no help from him. Huh? What help was I getting? I dont even accept offers of money from his parents. He thinks they are there for his convenience and that he can up and cancel because he is mad at his mom and dad. No, it doesnt work that way. I swear, ever since I told him I didnt love him a week or so ago, he has been tripping our kids out. I have finally hit the selfish mode, my way or no way. Worked with his deadbeat self too long, not doing it anymore til he gives me a good reason to. Sorry, just needed to vent. And yes, I know those that read this are thinking I am selfish and other such stuff. But, you know what? I am being selfish. My H and I are the ones there for these kids when they have the emotional upheavals because of their dad. When he lets them down. When he chooses not to see them. When he promises one thing and does another. And never does anything for them. Just tired of being everyone's door mat with the words, walk all over me imprinted in my forehead. Sorry this was so long, just needed to vent a bit. I feel much better now.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9824
Loc: Arkansas
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Maybe you weren't asking for advice, but I'd get on the phone with the grandparents and tell them that dad was wanting to cancel the visit but since the kids weren't visiting him, you didn't think you should go along with his desire to cancel. If the plans were made THRU dad, then you have learned that that wont work. Call up the grandparents and make plans with them directly. Let them know that you are open to them calling to ask for time with the grandkids. It's great when both parents are facilitators, but when one isn't then you go directly to the grandparents.
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Eternity is too long to be wrong.
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MetalMom
old hand
Reged: 06/04/05
Posts: 837
Loc: I'm in PA, case is in NJ
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I've been absent a very long time from this board so I don't know anything about your situation... From what you've written here, I don't see you as selfish. Seems opposite to me. Even setting aside the "Raise them on your own" remark - what REAL parent gets to decide that they're only going to raise their kids when it's convenient? Sorry, junior, it's not a good time for me to change your diaper... ask again in a few weeks... Nope, I don't see how YOU are being selfish.
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"Don't pee on my leg & tell me it's raining." - Judge Judy
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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That's almost exactly what i told him. I asked him if he thought they only expected to be fed, bathed, clothed, loved, or just plain taken care of when it was convenient for me. He knows that until last week, I havent even pushed the AG's office about collecting cs. And it has been 3 years. Not that big a deal cuz it is only $200 a month but that is $100 more in each of their bank accounts, which amount to more than mine does. LOL. He did the same thing your ex and his wife did to you. He used to talk bad about me and Dh to the kids, tell them they didnt have to mind us and had our daughter turned against me. But, up to this point, I bent over backwards to keep him in their lives. It has caused many a fight between my DH and I, because X is such an a$$ at times. He considersme his best friend until I dont do things 100% his way. I have enough going on without playing his control games. That is one of the reasons our marriage failed. I am not a dog to be told when and how to do something. I still remind him of that quite often. Sorry for rambling, it is my specialty. I just know DH is tired of hearing about it so I am trying to get some of it out of my system before he gets home. He never complains about it, he listens and agrees and disagrees with me, but I know it has to get old. It gets old to me. LOL. Thanks for the support, though.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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Actually, he isnt allowed unsupervised visits with him because of his drug habit. One week, he's a recovering drug addict, the next he is just a drug addict. So, the visitation is with his parents. Seeing their dad was supposed to be a bonus but now, I guess it wont be. The g-parents are still getting the kids as scheduled. They know how their son is and he isnt allowed to take them anywhere. His mom is really cool with me, I talk to her several times a week. She still calls me her daughter and says she wished she would have had me instead of him. I think the saddest part of that statement coming out of her mouth is that she means it.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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I don't think you're selfish at all. Sometimes, the oxygen gets pretty thin on the "high road."
It's very frustrating...for a lot of reasons. It's quite a load to have dumped in your lap, but mostly it's sad that he doesn't see more value in his relationship with the children.
I remember talking to the ex about CS...on more than one occasion....and I just wanted to scream at him...."Yeah, I get that you're unemployed AGAIN, but guess what? If *I* was unemployed, these kids would STILL have to eat. They would STILL need clothes that fit. They would STILL need a roof over their heads." He knows I'll take care of them...so he doesn't think he has to.
I agree with Avaya. I'd just go around him and call the grandparents myself.
Oh...and....vent away!!!!
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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It wouldnt be quite so bad if he didnt do the "I'm their dad, I have rights and I know what is best for them" thing. I asked him today if he knew what his son called him to his friends, he said what? I said he calls you by your first name and calls my DH his dad. Which DH and I told them when we got together, they already have a dad, but son still does it. His dad threw a fit and asks why I have him doing it cuz he wouldnt do it on his own. I told him he may only be 7 but he does know what a dad is and it aint you! He doesnt contribute anything but heartache to their lives most of the time. I am sick of having to lay in bed with my son while he cries because his dad disappointed him AGAIN. I am tired of being the only one available for them to ask why dad didnt show up or didnt call as planned, or whatever. My DH deals with alot of DS's emotional issues about his dad cuz DH's dad was the same way. It just breaks my heart to see a 7 year old boy and 32 year old man crying over it. KWIM? I think it would just be easier for him to disappear than to keep putting them through the same thing over and over. Argh.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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Preach it, sister.
I argued with the ex for a while...bent over backwards to help their relationship...just to have him back-out all the time. The saddest day was when neither of the kids cared that he didn't show-up. :(
S9 and D13 both refer to DH as their dad. And...sadly enough...the rest of the ex's family refers to DH as their dad, too.
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Reilly
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/05/05
Posts: 3376
Loc: right here ----->
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"Sometimes, the oxygen gets pretty thin on the "high road."
Man.. I love you....!
LOL...
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Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?~Marilyn Monroe
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joym525
old hand
Reged: 03/13/07
Posts: 756
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I would allow him the time to get his life back in order. If he does not want the kids around it could be a very bad situation altogether if they go to his parents.
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