churchlady
recently joined
Reged: 05/09/07
Posts: 3
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I'm looking for some help. My husbands oldest child is coming to live with us in June. She is 12 and has been expressing this desire since she was 9. Her mother has reluctently agreed to let her move, and is now playing mind games with her, telling her she is moving to the middle of nowhere and that her education and life is going to suffer. She even went as far to call her "trailer trash" to one of her friends mothers. We live on the Eastern Shore of Maryland, and certainly do not live in a trailer or do we have any near us. It is literally a 1/2 mile walk to the Chesapeake Bay or the Harris Creek either direction. We have a lovely little house, with a nicely manicured lawn and nice cars. In a nutshell, we are doing well. There are 2 children from the marriage, that ended in 2001. The ex is constantly bashing the father, as is her family. The oldest child (12) has on many an occasion stood up for her father, she has always been her daddys girl. The youngest (8) has learned the ropes of divorced children and plays everyone for whatever she can get, and remains innocent through it all. I am trying to find some resources or good books on how to handle what the youngest is going through. I've asked her several times how she feels about it, and I am not getting much. I'm trying to find a way to get it out of her. She needs to talk about it. The 12 year old isn't thinking about her sister, just that she wants out of that house. I know she will miss her sister, and I want her to realize how important it is to remember that. Can anyone give me any suggestions of resources that I might find? The parents have agreed to this situation together, because the mother knows how unhappy the 12 yo is. I give her credit for doing this without a fight. But, I am worried about the 8 YO.
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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A lot of people recommend "Mom's House, Dad's House" by Dr. Isolina Ricci, but I've heard some mixed reviews. Personally, I like the "Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way" by Gary Neuman. It also has gotten mixed reviews....but such is the way of divorce subjects. I'd probably go to Barnes & Noble and look at a few different resources to see what fits your family.
Don't expect too much from an 8 year old by way of conversation. Her vocabulary just isn't up to par with her emotions....and even if it is, she likely doesn't know how to express what she's feeling. Another thing to consider....is that she just might not have a whole lot of feelings about the situation as of yet. At her age, it's hard to consider how something feels before it really happens. That's why kids are such spontaneous little suckers. :)
You're more likely to find out what's going through her brain by watching her behavior, and picking up on subtle cues. I'd make sure dad goes out of his way to spend some quality time with her...one-on-one, and have some conversations with Miss 12 about being aware of how her little sister may be feeling.
Best of luck to your family. :)
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Relayer
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
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Churchlady, you will hear a lot of mixed review on this board about "Mom's House, Dad's House" because it deals with setting up a mature working relationship with the ex-spouse in order to make two loving homes for the kids and put both parents on equal footing, which is frowned upon on this board.
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GO CUBBIES!!!!
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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"Churchlady, you will hear a lot of mixed review on this board about "Mom's House, Dad's House" because it deals with setting up a mature working relationship with the ex-spouse in order to make two loving homes for the kids and put both parents on equal footing, which is frowned upon on this board."
No...not really, and that was rather crappy. Most of the "mixed reviews" I've read have been at other websites, and the majority have been from fathers who seem to feel as though the book favors the mother. I don't feel that way about it, but I'm not a father.
I don't know anyone who "frowns upon" a great relationship with the other parent of their children...but usually...find themselves in a situation that makes it impossible. People with relatively smooth transitions and great working relationships don't come here. They don't need to.
And as an FYI...the Sandcastles book also recommends that both parents own a copy and work together....but you can lead an ex to water....
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churchlady
recently joined
Reged: 05/09/07
Posts: 3
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Thank you for the ideas and for the insight on an 8 year old. I work very hard to make sure that we in the fathers household communicate effectively. I sometimes feel like I am hitting a brick wall. The book is a great idea, and I might even get a second copy and mail it to the mother. I can guarantee you that she would throw it out if I gave it to her directly. I am the "other woman" and since I don't have any of my own children, I have no idea what I am doing (so she thinks). It is amazing though, how her children can communicate to me, and how they tell me that I give them the respect that their mother doesn't. Their mother thinks that I am "the reason her marriage broke up" when in fact, she has yet to realize that she is just as much at fault as he is. I (along with a lot of other people) was a friend to her husband (now my husband) and it was not until after they had seperated (like months at that) that we started dating. She automatically finds the blame on me, and this has prevented her from healing, or changing and growing herself. I want what is best for these kids, and sometimes her negativity gets in the way of seeing what they need. I never ever bash her in front(or anywhere near) the children, as a matter of fact, I take them to buy birthday presents, mothers day presents, christmas presents, to make sure that they show their mother their appreciation for what she does. I even stand up and defend this woman when the children are upset or start bashing her. And they do. Why do I do it? I have no idea, she has made the last 5 years of my life difficult, but I harbor no ill will toward her. I know what she thinks she is going through...my ex husband cheated on me, and how do I know, he admitted it to me. So there wasn't any question for me. I went through all the stages, and finally accepted, changed what I had to change in my life and moved on.
This is going to be a new chapter in my life.... I am not sure I am ready to be the "mother" of a 12 year old girl..... There is so much to live up to....I'm glad I found your board, and I hope that you will be able to help me in the future.
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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Sadly enough, I think her behavior is typical of a lot of divorced parents (more often women, in my experience). :/ It's like...they have to find *someone* to find fault with for failures within their own lives....because it feels easier than recognizing their part in a situation. I agree that the side-effect from that is that they fail to heal or to move on, and only end up causing more damage in their own lives. It's really heartbreaking to watch someone be stymied by their own bitterness. It just perpetuates unhappiness.
I don't know if it helps any, but I was raised by my dad...and beginning at age 12, also my step-mom. She was a lot like you describe yourself. She made sure we (my brother and I) recognized important dates for our mother, and acknowledged important holidays. The downside was that my bio-mother was completely unappreciative. She behaved like my step-mom was only doing those things to "one-up" her or something, but then...my bio-mom has a lot of "issues."
Anyway....she was also completely intolerant of any disrespect. What she taught me was how to share my feelings about my mother, without being hateful. She is a wonderful woman, and I credit her often with the great direction my life has taken. Her lessons, I still use today...and teach my own children.
Honestly...we didn't make it easy on her. She made it clear that her job was NOT to "mother" us, because we already had a mother. She also did not have any biological children of her own, and for a while really struggled with her role in our lives. We saw that, and spent a couple of year taking advantage of (what I know now was) her insecurity and vulnerability. Early on, she spent a lot of money on us (and we were super-poor before they married), spoiled us rotten, etc. Pretty quickly, though, we became a couple of entitled little brats, and the gravy train came to a screeching halt...lol. She used to tell people..."I got two perfect kids at the perfect time. Old enough that I don't have to wipe butts or noses, and young enough to make a difference in who they are." :)
Eventually, she became more of a mentor and a friend...which was something I desperately needed. She taught me how to apply make-up, choose the right clothes, handle boyfriends and friends, etc....but she always waited for me to come to her. She wasn't a "shove her way down your throat" kind of person. She just let me know what she was willing to do, that she was more than happy to do it, and that she would always be there if I needed an ear.....without recrimination or judgement.
Being a step-parent is often a thankless job. Your husband will have to make sure that you are well-respected and your contributions to your family are appreciated. I have to give props to my dad....he wouldn't have allowed one iota of back-talk to my step-mom. They were clearly a parenting team.
It can be a fantastic, rewarding relationship. Now I'm 34, and she's one of my best friends. :)
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churchlady
recently joined
Reged: 05/09/07
Posts: 3
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Rebecca--Thank you a million times over. I really needed to hear that. How much you appreciated your stepmom. It gave me the boost I needed. I hope that someday, the girls feel the same way toward me that you do toward your stepmother. I know they love me, and they respect me, and I want that to continue to grow and watch them bloom into beautiful young women. Thank you, thank you again!
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Well, if there was no money changing hands either way, women wouldn't have so much trouble with the custody changing...
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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Odd...I don't receive a dime, and I'd be willing to change custody....ummm...never.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7136
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I'm busted. It's the 32.00 a month that makes me want to keep my kids. Geez, you're so insightful.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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