Doc
recently joined
Reged: 06/23/07
Posts: 4
Loc: East Coast
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I separated from my wife on January 2nd of this year. Unfortunately I live in a state where she and I must live apart for six months prior to filing divorce. A few months before I actually got the nerve to move out of my marital house, I was befriended by someone whom I met online. Our friendship grew quite close and she was a confidant and good friend when I was in need.
Recently I have found out that it seems some of the things I "knew" about this person turned out to be false. Significant things, like their marital status :/.
Here's my dilemma... Do I confront the person? or just let it go... not really knowing how much of our friendship is based on lies? I know personally that forgiveness is the only key that unlocks the door Anger, that part I'll have to work through on my own, and with some help from God.
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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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She is not a friend in the true sense of the word. A real, long-lasting friendship is based on trust, honesty and respect, and it goes both ways. So while you were trusting her with whatever details of your life, your marriage (?), and your wife(?), she was deliberately and intentionally withholding vital information from you. She isn't looking for a simple friendship or she wouldn't have withheld the truth.
To be blunt - your post sounds like you met this woman on the net and you ended up leaving your wife for her only to find out she's married. Your post also sounds like you're in a state like SC, where you have to wait for 6 mos if its a grounds-based divorce. This one would probably qualify in SC under Adultery.
You ask if you should confront her or let it go -- confront her and let HER go. You gambled with a new relationship you found on the internet, used your marriage as collateral, and have lost everything. At least have enough self respect to admit your bad judgement and walk away from a woman who has used you. Your relationship with her is based on serious lies - how you could think she is worthy of respect, trust or forgiveness is beyond me.
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Doc
recently joined
Reged: 06/23/07
Posts: 4
Loc: East Coast
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Thanks for the vindication Renee. That's essentially how I'm feeling, but it always feels better to have some "validation" from a third party.
I have already decided this person and I will no longer be speaking. Despite her credentials in family counseling and healthcare, apparently she needs to do some sweeping of her own front porch. I suppose I'll figure out a way to confront her at some point. For my benefit, not hers of course.
Although it's probably not apropos to comment in a web forum about this, for clarity sake, I didn't leave my wife for this person (thank goodness!). I left my soon-to-be ex because I wasn't happy in my relationship with her, and hadn't been for a long time. I found comfort in the fact that this friend I speak of had been through a divorce before, and had creditability given her training in social work and medicine.
Despite this rather sad discovery, I'm still much happier where I am now, than where I was 8-12 months ago.
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CanadaM2
recently joined
Reged: 06/23/07
Posts: 1
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Doc, it sounds like we know the same person. Sad to think there are people who do this.
I too, met someone online. Over the course of year and more we grew closer, to the point of making plans for our future together. There were inconsistencies along the way, but I put them down to distance and really busy schedules. Any questions that were asked regarding repeated, extended unexplained absence, unanswered questions, or general avoidance of some particular subjects was met with hostility and guilt trip for being untrusting. .
She used the last such incident as her excuse to run and hide.
As it turns out, I recently discoved that all the plans her and I made and the way we talked about living our lives together was, in fact, how she is currently living..with her husband.
Unfortunately, there were children involved as well. With talk of removing them from the state to move to be with me.
I don't even want to speculate on how my involvement was explained to them, with a step-father in the next room.
No...really.
I bought into her facade of being an upstanding Christian with high morals. I realize now that *where* I met her, should have been a clue.
I digress.
To address your question, I would agree with Renee and her advice to "confront her AND let her go". As part of any grieving process, I believe that we need to do some things for ourselves to mark the end and start on the new. It's like a funeral for a deceased loved one. It's certainly not for them, they aren't here.
You were wronged.
You are a victim.
You trusted, and you were lied to.
You need closure, and I dont believe you will get any without taking some action on your own.
For those that wonder where trust issues begin, this is one more reason.
She may never reply with anything of value, but would you trust anything she says now, anyway? One of her lives is a big lie, which makes both of them wrong. For your own sake, let her know how she has made you feel, and join me in a prayer that you are the last one that she does this to and that she seek professional help.
For her sake, her family's sake, and most of all..some other victim's sake, let her know that you know what she has done, that her web of lies has come unstrung. She needs a reality check.
No threats, no bad wishes....just let her know. I doubt it will get through to her, since she was able to muster the gall to do what she did to you in the first place, but it's about YOU now and YOUR road to recovery.
No matter how much it hurts, take that next breath.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Not only where you met her, but there were other clues as well. My ex acted the same way when confronted about mistrust. He would SWEAR I was reading too much into things, he would make up lies to cover his lies. I've come to realize that innocent people just don't act like that. If they're innocent, they don't have to try and cover up their guilt by being loud, obnoxious, and dramatic. Only the guilty tend to behave in those fashions.
--------------------
Char Fox
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Badasp
addict
Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
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My exwife jumped at the first person that gave her attention when we separated, she was the leaver after 26 years. She just up and jumped one day, three months later the house was sold and we were proceeding with legal separation. The guy she fell for never took her to his house, They did their dating at their airline base in Philadelphia (she-Flight Attendant, he - Pilot) turns out he had a girlfriend living with him that he neglected to disclose. The girlfriend caught her boyfriend cheating with my ex, it got very ugly... Seems there were alot of people here who turned out to be something other than how they appeared...
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Doc
recently joined
Reged: 06/23/07
Posts: 4
Loc: East Coast
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Well today is Sunday, and even though I didn't make it to church today, I did a lot of praying. I realize that everything happens for a reason, and searching for the "why" may be futile, and a waste of energy.
I feel a bit like a fool. I put this person on a pedestal because I thought so highly of her. A social worker, divorced person herself, with such (so I thought) great insights and outlooks on life. An inspiration for me to get out of bed in the morning when all I wanted to do was lay around and feel sorry for myself. I'm not quite sure how I could have been so deceived, but it happened, obviously.
I pray for her, and for the rest of you whom have had similar experiences. I'm sure it will make me question things a bit more in the future, as it has you all.
I suppose posting this is my own little form of therapy, voicing my inner thoughts (or ramblings as they may be). Well, thanks for listening, and commenting.
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