JuzBrowzn
recently joined
Reged: 07/13/07
Posts: 9
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When I was young I never did anything wrong. I was too scared that I would get caught and it just was not anything I wanted to do. I went to church every time the doors were open. I had my first taste of alcohol after I graduated and my husband I started dating. We have been married for 18 years now. My husband is very confusing to me. I have read a lot of sites regarding emotional abuse and he fits ALL the signs. He is very controlling. He has to know where I am at all times. If I leave my desk at work and he calls, he gets mad because he thinks I am in an office having an affair (not his words). He calls me at least every 30 minutes. Then he gets mad because I never call him. I never go shopping with out him. If he is at work and I have to go I have to take 1 of our 3 children with me. I have never done anything that would make him feel as though I am having an affair. He says it’s because I do not show him affection. I used to but now how can I when I am being treated this way? It is a circle. “I treat u this way because u treat me that way” and so on. He is AGAINST counseling. He also checks my work email & phone bill (Blackberry). When he has the opportunity to go somewhere he will not go because he says I can not be trusted and he would not have a good time. BUT on the other hand when I am with him he wants me to wear slutty stuff, thin shirt with no bra, flirt and MUCH more! That is what confuses me! I do not want to dress like that or flirt. He says I am doing it for him and as long as he is there it is OK. Same goes for a 3-some. I am VERY much against that and he keeps pushing for it. He says those things show him that I love him and then he would not think that I am having an affair. The things that he wants me to do I do not feel are morally right. He says that I never do anything for him. I got 2 tattoos & a belly piercing for him. I would have never done that for myself. Every time I am around him I get nervous and shaky especially when he is trying to get me to do something I do not want to do. And he wonders why I never set up a weekend for us to go out with out kids. - He yells and curses at me in front of the kids, he yells and curses at the kids. Nothing ever pleases him. Everything has to be his way or his idea. He tells me what to wear, who to talk to and what to do when I get home. He is overly obsessed with me. I have to be by his side constantly. He is jealous of the kids when I have to help them with something. He is a neat freak and constantly complains. I am at my wits end. He always asks me if I am going to leave him. I can never answer that with a yes. He senses that something is wrong with me but blames me that he is the way he is because I can't do anything right, he always has to tell me what to do or I do not 'show' him that I love him. My daughter and I get nervous when he walks through the door. "What is he going to yell about now?" He has never hit. It is only emotional. Now after saying all that.. Deep down he is a good person. He does have good days but they are never without a comment or 2. He would do anything for anyone (if it is his idea). I know he loves me but he does not show it. I am just sooo unhappy and miserable. I have started not loving him like I should. I dread being alone with him. It has taken me a while to finally understand what is going on and that I (and the kids) do not deserve this. My mind is where is should be right now. I have taken a few steps in the divorce process. I have talked with my Dad and have his support. I have had a consultation with a lawyer and have made an appointment to go further. Now for my question.. When do I tell him? Before I actually file in hopes he would not contest anything and we can get a divorce online? After I file but before he gets served? This is part I am dreading the most out of all of it! Some say do it in a public place but secluded. I think he would still yell or he would be more upset because I purposely did it there. I have gone on-an-on I know… Sorry! Thanks for listening and I hope someone can help.
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JustMeAndThree
old hand
Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 993
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Short and sweet...if what you say is true...take yours kids and get the hell outta dodge.
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Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.
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JuzBrowzn
recently joined
Reged: 07/13/07
Posts: 9
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It is very much true. There are so many bad comments that come out of his mouth daily! It hurts worse when he says one to one of the kids! That is what I am doing. I am finally gettin out!
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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Good. Get out of it and stay out of it. My 3 kids and I went through that for quite a few years, and now we are in a place where we are all happy. Love does not make a relationship. It takes a few different elements, trust, respect, etc.... You dont seem to have any of these in your relationship. Justmeandthree said it best.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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JuzBrowzn
recently joined
Reged: 07/13/07
Posts: 9
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Thank you for your support and words. But I still have a question... "Now for my question.. When do I tell him? Before I actually file in hopes he would not contest anything and we can get a divorce online (cheap)? - or- After I file but before he gets served? This is the part I am dreading the most out of all of it! Some say do it in a public place but secluded. I think he would still yell or he would be more upset because I purposely did it there." --- Taking it step-by-step
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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If he is as you say, hon he is GOING to contest a divorce. He'd be losing his control over you to let you go. No way in hell he'd do it voluntarily. I would file, take a day off, go home and pack and get out, then call him to meet you somewhere public and tell him you've left and filed for divorce.
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Char Fox
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seejay
recently joined
Reged: 07/11/07
Posts: 6
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Quote:
He is AGAINST counseling.
I was married 24 years to one that is just like the man you described (controlling) and they are never FOR counseling, because they know they are broken and are not interested in hearing an objective party tell them that.
I stayed in way too long. I have a son that's just like his father, and two daughters who are both overweight and emotional wrecks. I have so much work to do to repair the damage that I allowed to happen. Please don't end up like me.
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rocki
newbie
Reged: 06/12/07
Posts: 29
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Don't tell him, get a restraining order first, let them tell him, that way you and your child(ren) will be safe. It seems a little extreme, but from what you are saying, he is dangerous, and only needs a tiny push to send him over to the physical abuse side.
Verbal abuse is only the beginning. He won't give up control of you easily. And if you think that you know him, and that he wouldn't do anything to hurt you or your child(ren), think again.
Google a few domestic violence sites and see, you are not alone, and what you are describing here is "Abuse".
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JuzBrowzn
recently joined
Reged: 07/13/07
Posts: 9
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Thank you again for your advice. I have an appointment with the lawyer on July 24. I still have to figure out how I am going to make it to the appointment without him knowing and come up with the money. I think my Dad will help with the money. I will keep you updated.
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kimberleedear1
newbie
Reged: 07/13/07
Posts: 29
Loc: San Jose CA
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good luck. I just read a book aout the same kind of marriage. The author's subject was actually about her sister's murder,(they both grew up with an abusive father though) and described her own marriage in the same terms you use. Eventually she was divorced and happy. Good luck.
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