AinOH
recently joined
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 4
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I am in a situation that is not unique, but i need some other people's input to try and fully understand what is going on. I am living with my "fiance". She was married for six years and recently (february) got divorced due to emotional and physical abuse. Basically her ex took all of her self esteem, threw things at her, smashed her car up with her and the kids in it, took out her front teeth and continually harrassed her and I to the effect of death threats. Her two kids and she have been living with me since last October. During that time we have had some great, great times; fun, loving and just simply wonderful! However, in the past two months she has become completely the opposite person from the one I met before. she shows no signs of affection for me (although she still claims she loves me), she will not go out with me in public, she accuses me of being suffocating, she goes out with her ex any chance she gets. It should be noted that she claims the reason she lost her teeth was becasue she was being paid back for the way she treated him by moving out to live with me and taking his kids. She seems to still want to "fix" his ways, even though they are now divorced. I recently fixed up her house so that she could sell it. Once I had done this she decided not to sell it and let the ex move back in. She talks to him more than she talks to me. Even though there are numerous TPO's on her and me regarding him she still spends a lot of time with him. She is now travelling on business and she called me last night to say goodnight to the kids. Afterward I said i would call her back in a few minutes once I got the kids to bed. I called back and there was no answer so I left a message. she called back about 45 minutes later saying that a group of guys at the bar had brought her a drink and she was chatting with them and did not want to answer the phone. she said she was going back to the bar to meet tham again tonight. She says she told them about me. So? Why tell me any of this? She won;t go out with me where we live, but has no problem meeting other people at bars when she is out of town!
We had made all kinds of plans but now she will not live up to any of them. All she wants to do is stay in the house when she is at home and we all know what she wants to do when she is out of town.
At this point I have got so much invested in her and the kids, not only financially but emotionally too, that I cannot get out. Or, more to the point, I do not want to get out. I am still living with the hope that she will see the errors she is making and resort to the person I met before.
My question is...am I being taken for a ride or is this normal behavior for a person that was emotionally and physically abused. Further, if I invest in this relationship and weather the storm, do we have any hope or should i simply sever all ties with her and move on? I love this women with all my heart and truly believe that she was the one i was meant to be with, but I cannot take the lack of emotion coming in my direction. Do people that have been abused in this manner change for the good, or will this be her pattern for the rest of her life within any rlationship?
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Lucy44
old hand
Reged: 07/11/05
Posts: 874
Loc: Rochester, MN
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You tried to rescue her. She needs to WANT to be helped. Her ex is still controlling her, and she's letting him. The ex is probably manipulating her in the hopes that her behavior eventually causes you both to break up so that she can go back to him. She is conciously or unconciously hoping for the same thing. Some people don't function very well outside of a dysfunctional relationship. It sounds like she's one of them. I hate to go so far as to think that the type of behavior she exhibits now, is the type that once earned her cuts and bruises from her ex, and that she somehow wants that, but it's possible.
Many abused woman go from one abusive relationship to another. You're not an abuser. She's not comfortable outside of an abusive relationship. She needs therapy, and you need to stop being her doormat. This relationship will ultimately fail (as it currently is), if you both don't make some changes, quick.
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Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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You need to get out of the relationship now...as it stands. You can still see her, etc., but you need to stop financing her and living with her. The longer you stay, the bigger possibility that a court may one day order you to give her half of everything you have. Because with the way she's behaving, it WILL end with you two eventually. However, if you can get her to seek therapy (even go with her if she will), and keep your lives separated until there is an improvement, until she can learn to let go of him and deal with the issues she has over the abuse (her behavior is not normal), you might have a chance to finalize your plans for marriage later and actually make it work out.
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Char Fox
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AinOH
recently joined
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 4
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I can only hope! The problem is that she will "not be told what to do" and if i suggest therapy she will construe it as just that so I am realy between a rock and a hard place. she went through this before she was divorced and after three weeks of no counicatio she came around again and here we are today. I do not know if another seperatio such as this would work again. I am hurting and my "common sense" side says end it now. My emotional one however, say keep hanging in there and things will go the way they should. Hey, maybe i am the one that needs therapy! Another issue is the kids...they have already been through enough having to leave their father and I do not want to put them through this again. i am genuinely very close to these kids.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Glad you realize that, because yes...I think you do. If you're going to try and hang into this kind of a relationship where you're having these problems even before you marry, and still intending on marrying her...then yes, you should definately seek some therapy on your own. Perhaps if you go, she may eventually go with you later. But it wouldn't hurt to seek some for yourself. Because I think if you believe she'll change if you hang in there that you may be in for a seriously bumpy ride with a bad ending.
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Char Fox
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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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She is using you as a babysitter, banker, handyman, chief cook and bottle washer.
She is flat out, all out USING YOU. Wake up, the romance is over.
You on the other hand need to examine why you think you can love a woman that will go out with her ex, go out with strangers, yet won't be seen with you, won't touch you and who treats you like the hired help. A woman in love, hell, a woman with even the smallest amount of respect for the man she's with does not act like she does. Get yourself some therapy now to understand why YOU are engaging in this self-destructive behavior, BEFORE she twists you into someone you don't recognize and takes everything you own as a going away present.
You state you think she's trying to fix her ex, and maybe she is. But what are you trying to do, if not FIX HER? You have too much to offer to waste time on someone who is using you. I don't mean to be cruel -- but you need to get a clue.
What would you tell your best buddy or your brother if they were in this position????
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AinOH
recently joined
Reged: 07/29/05
Posts: 4
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Just wanted to add an update. When she got back in town last Monday i gave her the ultimatum of either investing emotionally and physically in me or moving out......if she was to move out she should go immediatly, not hang around. she decided to stay....however, while she was away I decided to take control and get my life back, to be the person i was before i became obsessed with her. So, i rang all of my old friends and invited some of them over when she was away. None replied (no surprise there, I was a jerk) except one. A female. I invited her over with a text message. She never came afterall, but I left the message in my phone. when I was out of the house the other day she went through my phone and found the message. needless to say she accused me of wanting to screw around when she wasn;t there. If she had thought about the situation for one moment she would have realized i had invited this friend over when the kids were still up and about. No one in there right mind is going to do anything in front of kids. Anyway, to make a long story short. she has gone, the kids have gone and I am trying to come to grips with a void in my life that I am sure will be filled sooner or later. For those interested......I do not know where she is but the kids are back with their father....nothing good will come from that. he is going to jail for 6-18 months before year end.
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Renee
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
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And I say Good Riddance!
Now that you have some time to clear your mind and hear yourself think, sit down and make a list (List A) of what you want in a partner. Then make a list (List B) of what you don't want. Then make one final list -- in this one you put all the reasons you deserve to be with someone from List A and doesn't do List B. Post it on your fridge/mirror/etc.
Sounds hokey doesn't it??? :grin: The idea is to know what you want and remind yourself of it daily.
Oh -- and go find a HOBBY already.... lol
Renee
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O2inhead
old hand
Reged: 10/11/05
Posts: 1056
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I am glad she is gone, but be assured she will come back. Then is when the list on the fridge will help you out. You need to be strong when that happens because she is a user and most users are manipulitive big time.
Stand your ground and look at the list of what you want and what you deserve in a partner.
Good Luck to you...
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lostfather
recently joined
Reged: 10/19/05
Posts: 10
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Dear friend,
Thank god she has left. Invest your love-time and money on someone who deserves. Peole like her are just taking advantage of people like you. A sour reletionship never improves. No matter what you do for some people they revert back to thier origins and try to find conflict. They thrive in imaginative abusive reletionship and take pride in discussing with others. Please! please! if she comes back do not change your mind. If there is a way that you can help the kids then go ahead and I am sure all of us will support.
Take care!
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