ObiOne
recently joined
Reged: 07/27/07
Posts: 3
Loc: Utah
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First, I just want to say that I have read alot of the posts in this forum and they have helped me immensely. To realize that alot of other people have been through almost the exact same thing makes me feel like my divorce was alot less my fault then I thought it was. It seems like people are more selfish in today's day and age. I consider myself a very loyal and unselfish person and am mad at myself that I didnt see the signs that the person I married was not the same way. I just wanted to add some questions to this very helpful forum.
So I just got finished putting my wife through school and she said she "needed to think about herself for once" and left me to be with another man. This all went down about 10 months ago. I am 27 and now have to start all over. I have about 3 years of college left and the college/dating scene is killing me. With the abundance of datable people in my area it feels as if there would be no reason for someone to date a person like me with the baggage that I now have. The main problem I have is that I want a relationship but I loathe the "game" that accompanies starting one and dread the idea of telling someone, that I have dated for a while, that I am divorced. Sometimes I feel like I am forcing myself to date while other times I want to (up and down days of course).
How long does this hurt? Are there young people out there who see past the baggage? When, if ever, do most people get to the point where they feel like dating after divorce? What are some of the major signs that a person is selfish and has a lack of commitment?
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overtherainbow
enthusiast
Reged: 10/23/04
Posts: 268
Loc: New England
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If you got divorced before you had kids consider yourself VERY lucky. It is the kid factor that causes the most misery in a divorce. Add to that selling the family home etc
It is much worse when you get divorced when you are older.
Basically you have the classic broken heart. Think about this statement rationally.
There is only one person in the world who I could love and now she is gone and I will be miserable for the rest of my life.
Only one. Naah. There are a lot of nice attractive charming young women out there. But they dont want to date Mr Mopey.
Take stock of your situation. Focus on what is important to you and it sounds like finishing college is.
If you are truly having difficulty getting on with your life and are depressed get professional help and maybe a good anti depressant.
Good grief I sound like Ann Landers.
Anyway you are really young and things will get better.
Final advice. Get a dog. They are great pals and chick magnets as well. Woof.
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BeckaLeigh
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/08/05
Posts: 6875
Loc: Texas
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Obi, I was 24, I believe when my divorce was final. As for baggage, I had 3 kids by two different fathers, one of which passed away when my daughter was 4, and thought I would never get back into the date scene. And I didnt. I met my husband when I had given up on men. He pushed until I couldnt resist. He is one of the 4 best things to ever happen to me. You will eventually find someone. Just dont go into every date expecting anything except a date. Just enjoy being single for a while. I know you want a relationship, but taking time for yourself is VERY important.
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.
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CiCi
addict
Reged: 03/28/07
Posts: 493
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I think it's soooooo funny (not really, but you know) that your wife said she needed to think about herself for a change. This is a lot of what I'm talking about on the Happiness string...it's got to be a misunderstanding because taking care of oneself doesn't mean kicking someone else to the curb!!!! AUGH - it's making me so frustrated. She made a committment to you after she had how long to think about that committment and now she's totally forgetting that taking care of herself <should> mean factoring that into the marriage and finding a BALANCE!!!
Sorry - I'm off on a tirade. Obi - I'm sorry you're in this situation and I can understand how tough it is to get back into the dating world. If you loathe the process, maybe that's just a sign that you're not ready to do it yet. Just because you hate it now, doesn't mean you always will - and perhaps if you take a little more time to get through some of your process, you'll emerge with a different attitude and could even start enjoying the dating scene. I'm just about 10 months post divorce (although a lot older than you) and I'm still not anywhere close. Everyone tells me it takes time.....and it does. So, what is your hurry to get back out there dating?
I'm sorry to say, but I don't completely agree with overtherainbow. I think divorce is hard no matter what - kids or no kids. It's a loss; a broken committment; a life changing event and it deserves to be grieved like one. I think you have age on your side to heal and I have no doubts you will do so. But, be patient with yourself.
Glad you find this forum helpful...I don't know how I'd have gotten this far without it! Please stick around - it's nice to have a diverse group of perspectives to hear from!
Smiles,
CiCi
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Remember: A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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CiCi.. I agree with you. Divorce is hard no matter what. Well maybe it is easier on the person who wants it.
For long term marriages with adult kids, vs shorter term with kids, vs short term no kids... it is just different problems to deal with.
Mine was 30 year marriage and a divorce I did not want. My first divorce,when I was 21 .... short term marriage, no kids, no assets that amounted to anything... was relatively easy on both of us as no one had a broken heart. It was a marriage that should never have taken place.
I feel blessed that my son was 23 when the divorce occured.. no child custody, different parenting styles, support, child not wanting to go with one parent or the other etc. to deal with. That truly is a problem that I did not have to endure and I am thankful for that.
Down side... I had dealt well with the "empty nest" and thought EX and I were getting back to our early relationship in many ways. After a year of so of that, it just went downhill. When EX moved out, the house felt empty, dead of all life to me. Hard to describe, but I felt it every time unlocked the door to enter. So having a child in the house would of course had its positives!!! A child does bring joy to a home, makes one feel needed (too much so at times!), gives one a reason to go on etc. I feel that I became self absorbed and did not like that. The sense that no one was going to help me look out for me now feeling. A child in the house would naturally give a person a reason to maintain as normal a lifestyle as possible. Still having someone need me every day.. I really think that would have made the rejection from EX a bit easier to take.
And finally, we often only see our adult kids on their time schedule... and many of them are quite busy with life and work and so we don't see them as often as we would like. And that can be a real negative... what I wanted to do was pull what I had left of my little family in closer and see each other a couple of times a week.
In dealing with the divorce, adult kids go through a different set of problems than younger kids do.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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PhoenixRising
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/05/07
Posts: 3681
Loc: New York
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"having a child in the house would of course had its positives!!!"
I have the most guilt over the divorce because of the kids. It is the exact kind of stress and grief that we as parents want to protect our children from at all costs.
BUT from a selfish point of view. They do make it so much easier to move on.
There is no time to feel sorry for one's self. And you are right, it is great to be needed.
On the other hand:
1. They are expensive! 101 little unexpected expenses; which seem never ending.
2. I am "stuck" with a big house and much more work than I would take on in my fifties; if it weren't "in the best interests of the children".
3. The above is the same reason that I live in the boondocks and live in a state w/ no family.
If I had my children 15yrs earlier and they were grown and successful; the world would be my oyster.
As much as I love teaching; I got my education degree because it suits the children's needs best.
I envy you.
What would I be, if I was divorced and had no responsibilities?? Ahhhhh, the possibilities!
Perhaps after I go out and sweat for a couple more hours over the never-ending yardwork; we can make that the subject of a new thread..
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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. --Plato
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Karen1
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 1794
Loc: Ohio
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Oh well now... no responsibilities.. that I could live with! However I have a responsibility to my job if I want to continue to have a home, food to eat etc. Then I have a responsibility to maintain said house and its yard if I do not want the neighbors complaining. This is easier than it sounds.. I work full time, year round. I am closer to 59 than 58... and if I want to pursue hobby stuff after work... not much gets done. So I have to balance it out.
I know what you meant when you said responsibilities,, least I assume I do.... and that would be child related. You are right on that. I do not feel responsible for my son and d-i-l, but I would be in a heartbeat if they needed help etc.
Weekends.... you know I can let the inside of the house go to pot and just enjoy the time for me if if I want. However I have learned that about the time I do that and pursue those hobbies instead... that is when I will get pop in company. Then I am stressed that the place is a mess. But, I have the option, the choice is mine.
What is quite grand is not having anyone to answer to. No one making snide remarks, making it almost a career to try to make me miserable, and often doind so. The list is long and I will stop. If I want to go visiting out of town over the weekend, I just pick up and go. Not even a pet to worry about.
As with many situations there are plus and minuses. I am very family orientated. 23 years ago we moved from our home town area, where both of our families were. This was due to EX's job transfer. Boy, if I knew then what was going to happen... guess where I would have stayed. It was not too bad though, because my b-i-l worked for same co. so sis and her fam were here too. They moved out of state 10 years ago, 5 years ago the EX flew 5 minutes west of here and my son and d-i-l moved 1 1/2 drive south. So for now, I do not have family nearby, they are either 2 or 3.5 hours away.
So here I am, family oriented with no family around. That is nto fun. And that will change sometime in 2008 as my sis and her fam are moving back to this area. God I can't wait for that. On bad days.. it gives me a lift to think of their return.
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"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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...young and divorced beats seasoned and divorced. I was 48 when we separated and 50 when the divorce was finally final -- 52 when final settlement occurred. It marked the end of a marriage of 25 years together, 27 legally.
You have your whole life ahead of you and are infinitely more in tune with the dating scene than I was. I divorced in the early 90s and hadn't dated since the 60s. The mere thought of it scared the hell out of me.
The upside was that living alone for the first time in 25 years was wonderful. I came to relish the peace, quiet and solitude. There was no one to please but me and no one to answewr to but myself. I could come and go as I pleased, eat what I wanted, when I wanted, or not at all and kept the little apartment I moved into pristine clean and comfortable.
In this day-and-age, divorce is all too common and I don't think a lot of people see it as baggage. It shouldn't really be a hindrance and it will make you more discerning in the future. Since you make no mention of children you're home-free.
As for how long before you start dating, I lived like a monk for two years to reassess myself and make some much needed "repairs." The time varies with the individual.
You'll be fine!
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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txks1151
enthusiast
Reged: 03/26/07
Posts: 210
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ObiOne,
I am in a similar spot. I was 27 when my ex-wife went past the point of no return. I had been through a lot of crap, most of it of her doing, and stuck by her side.
The she stuck the knife in my back and went for the throat next.
I still don't know what I am more pissed about almost a year later. The betrayal by someone that I had tried to help, her trying to destroy my life just to get more money, or the fact that I live in a trailer making over $70K a year, while she is debt free and just bought a $300K condo on the beach.
They say it gets better. I am glad I don't have to deal with her psycho BS on a daily basis.
However, I pay handsomely for the ability not to. And I still have to deal with her BS, just not as much as I used to.
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overtherainbow
enthusiast
Reged: 10/23/04
Posts: 268
Loc: New England
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One final piece of advice. I met my husband when I was 30 and he was 27. He had gotten divorced 6 mos. earlier when we met. I realize now 25 years later I was the rebound "save me" relationship for him that turned into a marriage that never should have happened. Don't look to anyone to save you from your previous divorce. Be your own person and share your life with someone. Another person should never BE your life.
Other pithy wisdoms.
You have the albility to make life better for yourself.
Half of life is just showing up. a Woody Allen quote.
Don't invest in someone more than you can lose.
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