Lotsoflight
member
Reged: 07/02/07
Posts: 105
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How do you communicate with your Ex?
Is it better to communicate with him/her in person (by phone) or via email?
I'm really not interested in seeing or talking to him if I don't have to. Sending him an email gives me the ability to think through what I want to say. I don't want to be in a situation where I lose my temper because I'm talking to him directly.
How do you talk to your Ex? Through email or via phone/in person only?
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"When all you got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know you do."
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Badasp
addict
Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
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Email only. I will not take her calls. She has an impossible position that I am the cause of her having to live through a 26 year marriage that she wanted to leave 20 years prior but just did not have the guts. Now I pay her hefty alimony for her years of service. She is a god fearing religious person who wants her cake and eat it too, so I have no use for anyone that wants to live in their land of OZ and not accept responsibility. No point in talking to this person. I agree, emails allow you to stop and think for a while, try to take the emotion out of your answer.
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Melanie1
addict
Reged: 12/09/05
Posts: 587
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Hi lotsoflight,
When first going through the divorce I avoided the X like the plague as it was way too painful and stressful to see or talk to him. So I generally kept all communication to emails.
As time rolled on and I started to slowly recover, gain distance and perspective I was able to talk to him without going off the deep end.
But still, to this day I keep communication to a bare minimum and do as much through email as possible. However, now it's because he really annoys me or I know he's fishing to find out about my personal life and I don't want to give him the opportunity to do either. Plus it's just easier that way and now that both kids will be in college, have their own cars and cell phones, I really don't need to talk to him anymore :).
Melanie
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The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Lao Tzu
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1004SRS
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
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E-mail only. I have time to think about what I say and won't let my emotions take over.
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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Like Melanie, I couldn't talk to my ex very well at the beginning. It was a necessity because we had two young children, but there were triggers (like getting his answering machine and hearing "their" silly announcement) that made phone calls difficult. If he called to talk to the kids, I would immediately hand the phone them, as hearing his voice unexpectedly always shook me up.
My ex also runs to a totally different biological clock. He sleeps most of the day and works most of the night. That makes it harder to contact him "live." Consequently, we turned to email for most of our correspondence early on.
Now, however, over ten years have passed. He's not with his paramour (the OW) anymore. He lives closer to us now than in the years directly after the divorce. He's mellowed, and I've mellowed. A few days ago we had a long phone conversation about our 21 year old son—how to help him, could we help him, do we WANT to help him (LOL).
We still use all methods of communicating. It just depends, I guess, on how urgent it is, or whether we're dong it for a paper trail (I send him a CS statement every month because we do it directly...no agencies involved).
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Email only, if the ex was trustworthy you wouldn't be divorced. email is also helpful for the legal issues...
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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The ex set the communication "standard" with the separation and divorce when she totally alienated my two youngest daughters, refused to provide me any information and only initiated telephone calls when she wanted more money and wanted to yell, scream and complain about something.
Finally I forbade her to contact me at home or at my office. I gave her a pager number and told her to only use it if it was a true emergency involving one of our children. Other than that, write it out and mail it to me. She doesn't even know how to turn on a computer, much less e-mail.
Three years ago I got custody of our youngest daughter away from her and haven't seen, spoken to or heard from her since. First she moved 500 miles away to be near her sister and mother. Three months ago my youngest son moved her 1,200 miles east to live with him and his wife.
They're now expecting their first child so we will be going to visit early next year (baby is due Christmas Eve). Needless to say, we won't be staying with them. I suppose we'll see the ex then, or maybe not. I couldn't care less either way and would be perfectly content to never again see or speak with her.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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MvnFwd
recently joined
Reged: 08/05/07
Posts: 4
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Even though e-mail can be taken out of context I still prefer it because it has allowed me to take time to formulate exactly what I want to say. It also can be handled at the convenience of sender AND receiver.
In the early days of the divorce process, there was still a lot of pain and emotions involved. But as time went on it really became just another business transaction. I always tried to handle things between us as a professional. Often there were papers to sign, mail handed off, decisions & agreements on personal property, or even discussions about the kids (all grown).
Basically everything went pretty smoothly and over time we even came to be good friends. I was extremely lucky, I know.
MvnFwd
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