Tim_GR
recently joined
Reged: 08/16/05
Posts: 2
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Hi everybody... Greece calling... I hope you are all OK. Please, excuse any phrasal/grammatical errors.
On to the point:
2 and a half years of a relationship. Homosexual, if that matters. And he said that he wants to break up. OK, I understand that I cannot force anyone to be with me. I went through repeating phases these last 5 days.
First, the "I'm Cool" phase.. OK, no problem, lets break up, I'll still love you, do call me from time to time cause I want to know how you are progressing in your life and all that stuff...
Phase 2, "Why me? Why now? How will I go on?". I know, you've been there, done that...
The problem is that I wasn't ready at all for this. He asked for some time alone. I gave him that. We call each other everyday and speak so typically and as if we have not lived through many nice occasions... And it hurts like hell! From his way of acting and speaking, I get the feeling that it's over for him, but that for some reason he isn't telling me that right in my face.
You might say "Then go on and finish this yourself". I don't want to! This was his willing. Yesterday I thought that I would do that. But late at night when I went to bed, I felt all alone. The house is "full of him", full of memories. We lived together in this house for 2 1/2 years. Good times and bad times. Took care of each other. I even went to Denmark last Xmas cause he was there via a European student-exchange programme (he's 23, I'm 22). I supported him on this from September to February when he was away. I did so many things for him, and frankly I don't say these to make a good impression or show off.
Then, 5 days ago he wants to break up... A friend of mine said that I should let go and keep the good memories only. OK. Suppose I do that. People, I'll be living all alone, in an empty house, his voice still echoing in my mind, the phone won't be ringing and I won't be rushing to pick it up and talk to him like old days...
Another friend told me to find someone else since that would take off some of the burdain... I would constantly compare him to my ex, and that would be unfair. I wouldn't want to give him much, or love him like my ex, and that would be unfair too.
A few minute ago, my ex sent me a message. He was saying that he wants to think of himself and what's better for him and his future. That he can't be thinking of what's best for me anymore. That if breaking up is good for him, then.. And that he's too tired during this time in his life to try for anything...
My reply? If breaking up is going to make him happy and feeling better, then that would be the last gift I could give him. And that I believe he will be able to get over me sooner than I will get over him...
His reply: OK... Go to sleep now... It's not the best time to talk about these things...
Now, I kindly ask for your pearls of wisdom. Let me note that this is my first relationship ever. So was his. I know gay relationships don't have great futures, but.... Anyway... Thanks in advance for your time. God bless us all and give us courage...
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NancyD
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 2105
Loc: New York
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The key thing I see in your post is:
[quote] "He was saying that he wants to think of himself and what's better for him and his future. That he can't be thinking of what's best for me anymore." [/quote]
Even in heterosexual relationships this seems to be a key issue...partners get tired of being responsible for anything but themselves. It shows a lack of maturity, because one of the strongest signs of that is a sense of responsibility for the things you have created, be it relationships, children, career or financial holdings.
Don't go rushing out looking for another partner. That kind of temporary replacement doesn't work for more than a few nights. The hurt is something that you WILL get through. It's a psychic pain, not one that is doing damage to your body, so you just need to work your way through it.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. We've heard it, said it, so many times, and it is so true. Like steel that is forged in fire and hammering...we grow stronger and wiser with these life lessons.
Grieve and then move on. But only you know how long the grief needs to last. Every ending is different just as every relationship is different, so the length of your grief is really only dependent/decided by you. You will know when you've "had enough", and then you will force yourself to stop by planning new things, seeing new people, finding yourself becoming the person you were before he came into your life, or becoming a better person than he knew.
Good luck.
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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
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...."your whole life ahead of you...."
...."other fish in the sea...."
...."it's not you, it's him...."
Blah, blah, blah. It all sounds like tripe, feels like tripe.....means nothing today.
The end of any relationship is hard, even if you are the one who wants the end, a.k.a. the "dumper." When you are the "dumpee," there aren't many things that feel worse. Because it's so new for you....that there's not really anything that anyone can say that will make you feel better.
Be assured....it WILL get better. You do NOT want a relationship that is one-sided. You deserve to be loved, cherished and honored by someone who wants to be there.
I don't know anyone who has had any success staying "friends" with someone who dumped them. If the relationship ended mutually, *maybe*...but still not often. When you are ready, try little things like not answering the phone when you know it's him.....or not going to the places where you know he'll be. You need to be apart from the pain.
Then....start filling the void. Do something different....travel....pick-up a hobby...something.
You deserve better.
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Tim_GR
recently joined
Reged: 08/16/05
Posts: 2
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First of all, thanks for your replies. I know you are right, and I know I should follow the tips.
The last 3 days I don't think about him that much. But when he calls me I go back a few steps. Anyway, somebody came up. The strange thing is that we agree on so many issues. He's been through the same situation and he eagerly wants to meet me. The one thing I know is that I do want to meet him out of curiosity and probably hang around with him, going out for a drink, etc. The other thing is that he's willing to offer the things I want. But the third thing is that I don't want to rush in a new relationship right away! I know I'm vulnerable this period and that I will try to hang on to anything or anyone that offers a helping hand. Yet, IF I do that, I know somehow that it may not last. OK, I like him both physically and his way of thinking but I don't want too much right now.
And of course I don't want to let him down and/or harm him in any way! He wants to meet me so bad and start something with me, but I feel that I'm -lets say- coverd with thick ice that he has to pierce to get to me. And while he's piercing I'm adding more on this ice-shield of sorts. I repeat: I don't want to harm him (Hell, I don't even know him! Why should I "play" with his feelings if they are true).
I'm thinking about meeting him and explain in person that OK he does interest me but I need things to go slow, no rushing into it and that right now I cannot give more than friendship. Actually, saying these *might* hurt him in a way since he's so excited with me.
Jesus... I'm so messed up psychologically this period... And I have to sit for my semester exams during September 1st to 15th. Too much pressure, too many issues, so little time and courage to settle things...
Anyway... Thanks again! Best of luck to everyone going through tough "phases". I'll be around :)
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kav
old hand
Reged: 06/10/05
Posts: 816
Loc: NC
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Tim
Slow down here!! As nice as it is that this takes away your pain having someone so interested, I think you're heading for a train wreck!! Right now your feelings are more of hurt and you can replace that because its sooooo much easier but it is a rebound. Not good. Get through your breakup before you move on. You've never met this guy so how could he be serious or get hurt. It doesn't seem possible to me. When we get tossed aside by the ones we love, we want nothing more than to hear someone tell us we're special. It's easy to get caught up in that. I think with all the emotions you're going through, you can't possibly think straight. Concentrate more on your studies right now. Confide more in your friends. Take sometime to find out who you are and what you really want.
Kim
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Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
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smore30
recently joined
Reged: 08/30/05
Posts: 17
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Yup it is like dying...and you will die a thousand deaths as you feel the pain...but these deaths will lead to a rebirth...focus on something positive...how life will be when you have exhuasted the pain...a new life...a new start.
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sandflea
addict
Reged: 09/08/05
Posts: 447
Loc: norfolk, Virginia
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Yeah - there's a reason everyone rolls their eyes at rebounders. There's a white elephant in the room, and everyone sees it, but you and your new "love". It is cute though. I just went through it, and it felt great, for a time, till the guilt bug hit.
You need time to heal. You can't just "replace" or "fix" this. I just tried to rush out and replace my wife of 10 years with a new "love". Didn't work. I wasn't complete enough yet, neither was she. Just two lonely hurt people, coming together for a time. In hindsight, even though it was passionate and fun for a while, I should have probably toughed it out and saved myself the trouble. Honestly, being dumped AGAIN brought back even more pain than before. You start blaming yourself again, and that's not healthy.
Be yourself, stand up, and - here's the hard part - stop romanticizing the break up! See the humor in the situation. I know, it's hard to laugh when you feel like crying, but try. Think about Woody Allen in a thong. In his recent movie, he's describing someone like you or I when he says "He's despondent, he's desperate, he's suicidal - all of the comic elements are in place" ;). I don't mean to trivialize your pain, but honestly, you will laugh about this one day. Try to.
"One good thing about music - when it hits you feel no pain" - Bob Marley and the Wailers - Trenchtown Rock.
Be yourself, and worship the joy that is you. There are others. When it's right you'll know. We all will.
peace - and namaste
- Sandflea
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Beaches, Bluegrass, Bach, Beer, Bodhisattva, Blisters, Bikes, Boats, Bhujangasana and Bayer
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