CiCi
addict
Reged: 03/28/07
Posts: 493
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I got my baby back last night...she cried at the airport when she saw me. My home is complete again.
Yesterday...I also got my final decree in the mail. As of August 9th, I'm officially divorced...mixed emotions. I suppose I should feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders, but I don't know what I really feel at all.
Today, I found out - from my ex - that his girlfriend from South America is due to arrive in CA in 2 weeks. I reminded him that I would no longer send our daughter out there as the decree says he (nor I) may NOT introduce her to any significant others for 1 year. I asked him if he was coming here for Christmas, because I can't send her out there...and he told me that he's leaving her here for Christmas so that he can stay there (with his SO) and that he'd like to take our daughter to Texas to visit his parents either before or after her 2 week break from school. This means that I would have to take her out of school, which I'm unwilling to do for scholastic reasons. If he wanted to take her during her break, no problem, but I'm NOT taking her out of school and put her behind with her work just so that he can have his cake and eat it too! NO WAY.
I'm really struggling, you guys. The thought of him having this girl live with him! I also realize that he'll be financially supporting her because she's an alien and won't be able to work in the USA. I just can't help but to feel like he's trading his daughter for this woman. He insists that's not what he's doing - that he'll find other ways to see our daughter, but I don't really believe it. How will he afford it?
Why do I care so much about him and his life? Why am I so upset about this when our daughter is even getting to the point where she's more accepting? I really just hate him so much...I HATE HIM...and I'm so tired of loosing sleep over this. I'm so tired, you guys!
I was out with a girlfriend on Friday night - at a bar listening to some live music. There was a guy who I was kind of watching (and not because he was cute) and he had a wedding ring on. Towards the end of the night, he had his drunk hands all over a hoochie-girl who kept on putting her rear-end in his face (and he was loving it). I noticed that she didn't have a ring on...and I just started getting so angry! I finally worked myself up and went over to him and here was our convo:
ME: Dude, are you married?
HIM: Yes
ME: To her? (pointing to hoochie momma on the dance floor)
HIM: No
ME: Then what the F*@K are you doing?
HIM: Well, she's a really good friend
ME: Yeah - I see that.
I just walked away after that. For the rest of the night, he kept his stinkin' hands to himself and my girlfriend told me that I ruined his night. I don't feel sorry for what I said or did...maybe, just maybe, I got him to think about what he was doing before anything else happened. Or, maybe I just burst his bubble....I dunno.
Why does he think that he has the right to ONLY think about himself when he's committed to another woman? Why don't people stop for 5 freaking minutes to think about what their actions mean to others?
AUGH! I'm so bitter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for listening to me rant! I'm sorry I'm so angry and bitter! I hate myself for it!!!
CiCi
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Remember: A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.
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LadyBugRN
veteran
Reged: 06/22/05
Posts: 1498
Loc: Virginia
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Hi CiCi,
You still care because you're still hurting and it smarts big time. I know, I remember the feelings well. It doesn't always make sense and it may not for still a long time to come. You are not strange, different, weird or unique in all these feelings. It is very true, there is a thin line between love and hate. The bitterness will pass with time. You will one day realize it's just gone. You've moved on. You don't care what he's doing anymore or who he's doing it with. For now, it's just still fresh and hasn't healed. Give it more time, you will get there.
Like you, I found out through the mail that I was finally divorced. There it was, in black and white, done! I had been divorced for a whole week and didn't even know it. For whatever odd reason I called my now exH and told him. I expected some kind of reaction, all I got was "Ok, thanks." After 21 years of marriage, that was it. No party, which I had actually planned on doing for my own sake, no pomp and circumstances, no real emotion. It was just another day, which in the scheme of things, seemed very, very, very surreal.
Hugs,
Lori
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain."
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Curmudgeon
Pooh-Bah
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 2002
Loc: MO Ozarks
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Lori, like you and CiCi, I found out by mail a week or so after the order was signed. It was also in August.
What I remember best was the instant and profound sense of relief that hit me as soon as I read the order. I've never looked back!
I didn't have a party either. We'd been married 27 years and separated for the last two of them while she dragged her feet on divorcing even though she was living with her boyfriend; the one she met seven months before she left me. I didn't see divorce as an occasion for celebration but I was happy it was over.
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What me worry. I'm retired!
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PhoenixRising
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/05/07
Posts: 3681
Loc: New York
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I think you are facing your anger and dealing w/ it. That has to be healthy.
I am still numb.
The fact that my EX couldn't keep his d^ck in his pants is unfathomable.
He would be in shock when in the old days we would discuss one of our male friends that would behave in such a way.
Most of my issues stem from the fact that he exposes the children to his lifestyle and his poor choices.
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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. --Plato
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Melanie1
addict
Reged: 12/09/05
Posts: 587
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Dear CiCi,
What you feel is absolutely normal and part of the slow, but often painful healing process. You're upset because you were married to the guy, had a child together, and he just decided to up and leave for someone else. And it seems like life is just dandy for him and that the divorce hasn't affected him at all. While in comparison, you're hurting and most likely your daughter still is too, even if she acts like she's not. So it stings that your X seems to be moving on like nothing big happened and is also acting pretty nonchalant about still fathering and seeing your daughter.
What's also hard to take is the injustice and unfairness of it all. It doesn't seem right that someone can break the marital vows, cheat, often write off their kids and move on to seemingly live 'happily ever after lives' and not pay any consequences for their choices. I know that burned me up often when going through the process. And maybe that's getting to you too.
But remember this; he may be fine now and infatuated with OW and thinking with his other head, and thus putting daughter low on his priority list. This is what the cheaters do at first and sometimes, unfortunately permanantly. However, things will most likely change for the X down the road. No doubt about it, once the novelty and intrigue disapate, she moves in and the reality and sameness of everyday living hit them, bye-bye La La Land. Then maybe, if you're one of the lucky ones, he'll focus once more on your daughter and being a father.
One other point; know that that there's a great chance that your divorce turns out to be a blessing in disguise which might allow you to find who you're truly meant to be with, down the road. I've known more divorcees who have echoed this opinion. I know right now, it's tough, but later you may look back and count your lucky stars that the X chose to leave. I know I do. Almost daily...
As for the bar scene and you confronting the married guy who was probably about to cheat on his wife, I say "BRAVO"!!! That took guts and courage and you might have saved the guy from doing something he'd surely regret down the road and his wife from alot of pain. Good for you!!!
Melanie
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The journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Lao Tzu
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Cici,
You DO NOT know what bitter is...Try writing checks to your ex, so she can screw her new honey in your old house. You'd be writing those checks from your crummy apartment where your kids don't want to visit, 'cause you can't afford cable TV 'cause your paying CS and alimony up to about two thirds of your income.
You don't know what bitter is...I told you before, divorce law is so biased against men, it makes regular stable males into murderous maniacs.
Just write a check every month and send it to your ex, then post again how you feel. You are an emotional whiner of the first degree.
If you were a man you'd have beaten up your ex and you'd be in jail right now....Please shut up with your emotional crap and grow the F&%k UP.
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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Drew
old hand
Reged: 07/30/07
Posts: 1017
Loc: somewhere more familiar
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That was about as discompassionate as I can imagine anyone being. Where is your empathy Yregna? Knowing how you feel inside, you yourself knowing how you feel inside, how or why in God's name could you be so uncaring about another's suffering?
My x has been a monster, I still don't want to see her suffer. I derive no pleasure from it whatsoever. Just knowing how I feel when I hurt, knowing as a human being that another feels this same way when they hurt, I don't wish that on anyone.
We must all be careful what we wish for. You never know, you may get it only to find in your blind emotional state you wished for something that, now that it has manifested, is not even remotely satisfying nor conscionable. Then you get to live with another regret..................
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"living, learning, from my creator. you gave me life now show me how to live" c. cornell
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CiCi
addict
Reged: 03/28/07
Posts: 493
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Thanks you all (troll - you are just scary!) for your insights. Lori, I did the same thing as you - called the ex and told him he was finally free of me...he didn't get his paperwork yet. I don't know why I felt the need to do that, but I did. Curmudgeon, I thought I'd feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, but I don't. I guess if it were a divorce based on the merits (or lack thereof) of the relationship, I'd be OK - but the whole game is different now that I know what a manipulative cheat he has been.
Phoenix - I did everything in my power to make sure that my ex didn't expose her to a rotating door of women - and I put the same constraints in place for myself. I have no intention of getting involved with anyone quite yet, but when I do, it'll be a long time before that special person can meet my daughter. She's my priority and I don't intend to change that status until at very least she's out of the home and on her own.
Melanie - I hope you're right. I hope that there is a silver lining to all this. I just know that right now, I have to learn how to trust again. I will NEVER lump "all" men into one category as I know that they are all very different. By the same tolken, this experience has caused me to feel a little less secure and to want to proceed more cautiously down the line. I'm not going to "shield" myself from being hurt again, because deep in my heart, I believe that the only way to feel and experience true joy is to have felt some pain along the way. I don't want to be numb...but I do want to work towards making good decisions.
I called my ex and told him how very disappointed I was that he wasn't going to spend time with our daughter at Christmas. I also found out for sure that he'll be supporting his GF until she can get a visa to work. He's supporting his daughter and now a GF. He's got to negotiate time balancing between her and his daughter - not to mention his work and all the travel he does. How in the world does someone get to the point where they make a conscious decision to put their life in such a difficult position? It's really beyond me!!!
And I guess I have to get to the place where his life doesn't matter to me anymore...but I'm still very preoccupied with his rotten a$$!
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Remember: A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.
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Drew
old hand
Reged: 07/30/07
Posts: 1017
Loc: somewhere more familiar
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Love is a leap of faith.
Your faith has been shaken.
You are smart to realize though, that you can't truly have it all without risking it all.
Scary as all hell huh!?
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"living, learning, from my creator. you gave me life now show me how to live" c. cornell
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PhoenixRising
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/05/07
Posts: 3681
Loc: New York
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"I hope you're right. I hope that there is a silver lining to all this."
How long did you stay in a job you didn't like? They did you a favor. You now have a job that (while tiring at the moment) you are happier at.
The same thing will happen w/ love. Your EX did you a favor, he freed you to find someone more deserving of your kind and trusting heart.
It almost makes you feel sorry for his OW and what the future has in store for her (NOT)...
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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. --Plato
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