JustMeAndThree
old hand
Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 993
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As I was laying in bed awhile ago...hoping endlessly for sleep, my mind began wandering as it often does. To and fro about everything that's happening in my life. As much as I hate it the tears came and once they started falling they just kept coming. With all the crap that's happened between the ex and I, all the things he's put my children and I through, WHY do I still feel so bad. My mind has finally become conscious to the fact that I just submitted a final judgment and decree for my divorce. In a few days I'll turn 30 and by then that decree may very well have been signed...I think about the ex and I can't help but still feel SOMETHING for him. I wish I could just HATE him so I'd stop feeling this way. Shouldn't I be happy that I'm almost free (as free as I can be) of his shannigans? Why do I still feel so awful, so failure-like. Anyway, sitting here waiting for this lame computer of mine to decide when it wanted to work I had to get these feelings out so this is what I have:
Bitter Tears and broken smiles
Left to wander all these miles
Wondering and Pondering where it all went wrong
Never knowing just exactly where I must belong
Hope that flitters here and there
a mind that wanders everywhere
Was it you or was it me
Time may pass and we'll never see
So help me understand...why these tears won't stop
Let this broken heart be healed... before another drops.
CDN 8/14/07
I guess it feels a little better to have gotten that out though my heart still feels heavy and my mind is a jumbled mess. My eyes feel like lead weights but everytime I close them I go on an emotional marathon run. Perhaps this has helped me some...we'll see in a few minutes....maybe tomorrow will be a better day...
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Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7135
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You're totaly normal. I personally gave up thinking long ago. It's way too tiring. Which you'd think would make you want to sleep but it seems to work the opposite!
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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willybillie
enthusiast
Reged: 05/19/06
Posts: 377
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Your not alone that's for sure. I don't think I have gotten a full nights sleep since my divorce was final in Dec of 06. I'm dead serious. I toss and turn,wake up sporadically thru the night, check the clock, sometimes , cause I can't believe I'm waking up.
I stay up till at least 12 midnite or 1am, just so I am really tired and have a chance to get thru the night.
I was doing fine the last couple of months emotionally, but now I have regressed back to where when I watch a sad movie, or hear a romantic song and relate to it, I go into a tailspin. It really sucks.
Watching "Message in a Bottle" with Kevin Costner did me in again, cause that was one of my X's favorite movies. Excellent movie BTW.
I'd love to look into a crystal ball and see how much longer this state of mind is going to last. Oh well, better to be Single & Looking than dead.LOL.
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Badasp
addict
Reged: 06/04/07
Posts: 423
Loc: AZ
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We've all been there, and it really is the time that will help you move to the next place in a galaxie far far away. Start watching funny movies, stay away from old memories and songs. You'll get through it.
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Drew
old hand
Reged: 07/30/07
Posts: 1017
Loc: somewhere more familiar
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My x has done terrible things. She cut my heart out and shat on it. I still love her. I still have dreams about her and she has been gone for 2 years. I used to lay in bed at night and ache. Really, I felt physical pain. I would close my eyes and imagine that she was laying there, just like the last 20 something years.
I have had a number of friends since then. It isn't the same. None of them are her. I don't say this to scare you, and I am much better now than I was, but I know, she was the one. I said "I DO" and I meant it. I did not have the capacity to conceive of anything else. I have accepted what has happened but I know that I will never understand.
I can laugh now and even forget her for short periods of time, so I guess it is getting better, I just don't think it can ever really be right again.
Your poem is beautiful. I write too. It is cathartic for me. I wish I could write something like that, it has an air of hope. Mine are dark.
I know I am an old man but I listen to alot of different music. I am still a young rocker at heart. There is a band called Linkin Park. They have a song called Somewhere I Belong. If you can handle hard rock, you should listen to it. It is so well written, all of their songs are.
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"living, learning, from my creator. you gave me life now show me how to live" c. cornell
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JustMeAndThree
old hand
Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 993
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[quote]Your not alone that's for sure. I don't think I have gotten a full nights sleep since my divorce was final in Dec of 06. I'm dead serious. I toss and turn,wake up sporadically thru the night, check the clock, sometimes , cause I can't believe I'm waking up.
---> I've been doing that for years...ever since my marriage really started going to hell...Atleast now most nights I can fall asleep without having to take something to shut my mind off and knock me out.
I stay up till at least 12 midnite or 1am, just so I am really tired and have a chance to get thru the night.
---> been there done that...bought the t-shirt, wear it all the time
I was doing fine the last couple of months emotionally, but now I have regressed back to where when I watch a sad movie, or hear a romantic song and relate to it, I go into a tailspin. It really sucks.
----> oh man...I do that SAME thing...that's what got me going last night...the TV was on the disney channel and of all things the Cheetah Girls 2 movie was on, I caught myself watching it and in the end when everything turned out nicely and everyone was happy I started bawling...I cry over kids movies...how pathetic.
Watching "Message in a Bottle" with Kevin Costner did me in again, cause that was one of my X's favorite movies. Excellent movie BTW.
I'd love to look into a crystal ball and see how much longer this state of mind is going to last. Oh well, better to be Single & Looking than dead.LOL.
If you find that magic crystal ball...let me know...I want a peek!!!
[/quote]
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Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.
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Drew
old hand
Reged: 07/30/07
Posts: 1017
Loc: somewhere more familiar
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JMAT,
I thought I would post you a sample of one of my poems.
As dawn reveals what shadow seeks to hide
The light awakens bewilderment
More is learned
Less still known
I've lost the scent on these unknown paths
Gone forever the familiarity of my past
The way I've taken it seems has taken me
I had a [censored] grip, then I found you sublime
Now I've lost my grip and you've poisoned my mind
Untold years that no longer exist
Their substance a lie, a ghost in the mist
Ever elusive,perpetually taunting
Unseen by the real world
My personal haunting......
AG '06
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"living, learning, from my creator. you gave me life now show me how to live" c. cornell
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CiCi
addict
Reged: 03/28/07
Posts: 493
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I know how you feel, JMAT! I often feel the same way. It's so perplexing - how someone can hurt you so badly, yet, we long for them anyway. Or, is it that we long for what would have been...rather than the "person"? Sometimes - oftentimes - I don't miss my ex as an individual...I mean, we were such different people and had very different priorities (mine being our daughter, his being HIM)...but I always think..."it COULD have been different if only for this or that", ya know. Maybe we are feeling sad for what could have been?
And then there's what I call the "old tennis shoe syndrom" where we will gravitate to an old pair of tennie-runners even if they stink to high-heaven and have holes in them because getting blisters from the new ones (until you break them in, of course) doesn't feel good. So, we stay in the same-old, same-old mentality - which isn't always the best place to be, right?
Hang in there, hon. Keep writing - and thanks for sharing your poem - it was great!!!
XOXO
CiCi
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Remember: A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.
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JustMeAndThree
old hand
Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 993
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[quote] I said "I DO" and I meant it. I did not have the capacity to conceive of anything else. I have accepted what has happened but I know that I will never understand.
----> that's how I feel..it was only an 8 year marriage for me but I tried so hard to make it work and that's why I stayed for so long...I guess that's why I feel like a failure now...
Your poem is beautiful. I write too. It is cathartic for me. I wish I could write something like that, it has an air of hope. Mine are dark.
---> heh the poems from my teenage years could scare the hell out of freddy krueger LOL...I guess becuase i've matured, my writing has too.
I know I am an old man but I listen to alot of different music. I am still a young rocker at heart. There is a band called Linkin Park. They have a song called Somewhere I Belong. If you can handle hard rock, you should listen to it. It is so well written, all of their songs are.
----> I like linkin park...I think i've heard that song. A friend of mine just went to see them in VA Beach. I listen mostly to country...BUT i like a little of a lot of things..I have found several country songs lately that make me feel better ...the revenge kind of songs that are upbeat. I like those!
[/quote]
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Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.
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JustMeAndThree
old hand
Reged: 04/25/07
Posts: 993
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I like the "old-tennis shoe syndrome" I think you've got a good point here...sometimes I think I'm mourning the fact that my children no longer have a "complete" family but in retrospect I see it as it really is...they never had one to begin with...he was there in being but not in mind. As with your ex...my priorities are my children as his are himself...that's why he's still whining about not being able to pay HIS bills becuase of the CS amount. So get a second job...I think you're also right about the "what might have been" I guess I just need to remind myself that when I think "if he only he wasn't such a jerk" that he IS a jerk, HAS been for awhile, I TRIED my best to help him realize it, *I* can no longer do anything...it's HIS loss (and the kids to an extent but they are better off the way things are now) I know he's still going to try and have his cake and eat it too...he always does I need to keep my walls up and not let him in...I need to distance myself from him whenever possible. Just like last night, he called a little after 9 presumably to speak with the kids but because it WAS after 9 I didn't answer the house phone or my cell.
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Slap yourself, that wasn't funny.
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