VA_43_man
recently joined
Reged: 10/21/07
Posts: 3
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Ok here goes....I'm the husband in an unloving 21 year marriage that should have been ended by all rights in the mid 90s. We finally separated in 2004 for about 5 months but we got back together to keep the family in-tact so as to better support the kids (at least that was my main reason and she knew it and still took me back). Things have been semi-peaceful for the last 3 years however still no love or relationships to speak of for well over 10 years. We've once again gotten to the crossroads and are in discussions about what to do. My wife still thinks that she can once again make me love her (I'm not sure I ever really did love her as I know love to be now....I still see it as a mistake that I made in my early twenties and have just been trying to do the "right thing" ever since). Anyway my wife still is holding out that I she can make me love her again and is worried about losing medical coverage (she doesn't work away from the home). I have come to the realization (after all these years) that even though it will have an emotional and financial impact on the family (we have an 18yo daughter and a 10yo son) that it is only right that we let each other go and try to establish some sort of life separately to, if nothing else, give us some peace and sanity and be happier with our children even if it is being with them separately. Now the thing is my wife who is infuriated that I don't love her still does not want to hear about getting a divorce. If I was to make the move out on my own would that be held against me? I have learned during our first separation 3 years ago that there is no need for me to fight anyting (like custody, child support or spousal support) and am really just wanting to move on in the best interest of ALL of us. My wife is not happy and has not been for well over 10 years (me either). I am pretty much willing to accept the terms that I know the court will order but am just wondering if it will be held against me if I go ahead and move out without her agreement.
And I guess other things that I would hope that some of you may be able to help me with is concerning the pendente lite order from my separation of 3 years ago. It seems to me that the judge ordered me to pay some 2700 dollars in child and spousal support AND also pay the mortage for the house they were living in. So I was going to have to pay something like $3500 of my net net of $4900 per month. Could that possibly be right? My research says that I should expect to pay approx. 700 for my 10yo child and about 1800 (28% of my gross) in spousal support. Does that sound reasonable? But she would make the mortage payment from that money...correct???
Thanks for your help. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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rocketgirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
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Quote:
I'm not sure I ever really did love her as I know love to be now
Let me guess.. you've got some hot young thing just waiting for you to leave your wife, right?
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Lisa
Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.
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VA_43_man
recently joined
Reged: 10/21/07
Posts: 3
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Actually no. It's just that I've learned what love really is and what it isn't. I seriously did not know what a impact and consequences were involved in becoming married when I was 22 years old. And I guess it's been my conservative nature that as kept us trying to keep things intact all these years. I've really been torn with what do for many years now and have been caring this around quite a while. And here we are again at the crossroads debating what to do again. Neither of us have anyone waiting for us beyond the marriage.
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rocketgirl
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
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That is good to know.. .I can't imagine being a wife on the end of a 20 year marriage, knowing that my husband wanted someone else. Would make me pretty angry, too...
There are lots of people who stay together for the kids. You've got a younger child so I imagine it is very hard for you to deal with that. Personally, I wouldn't stay together just for the kids. They know what's going on (unless you two have been VERY good at hiding it, which is next to impossible). I would rather have two parents that are happy and can (here's the kicker) CO-PARENT than to have them together and miserable. Misery loves company. Another thing to remember is that you will not see your children every day like you are used to. Can you handle that? Just food for thought. A 50/50 parenting plan is ALWAYS the best when you have two equally capable parents. Don't ask for anything less than 50/50.
Good luck... stick around and you'll get some good advice.
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Regardless of what it turns out to be, it's going to be a huge financial shortfall for you. You're talking a SAHM. She's going to get part of your retirement, long-long term alimony with that long of a marriage, the maximum CS, plus extras...likely your son's insurance, maybe hers for a time. And on the temporary end, you will likely be ordered to pay the mortgage until the terms are final...you will likely assume a larger portion of the debt since you're the one who's been bringing in the paycheck.
On that note, and regardless of how bad it might turn out, you don't sound to me as if you've tried finding out how GOOD it could be. You talk about how you've not been in love, how you've tried to stick it out, but not once did you claim to have tried marriage counseling, to find out what drew you to her in the first place, to try and find some common ground that you COULD (if you aren't and don't realize it or have forgotten how) fall in love with now or again. At some point you HAD to have loved her to have given up your life for her, even if what you think of as love has changed. Something drew the two of you together and kept you together for a long time before you claim to have started not having a relationship. You've been together 21 years but said there's been no love for over 10. That means at least nearly half the marriage there WAS something. And you were no longer a 22 yo young buck at that time. But somewhere, you've forgotten why you loved her.
Before throwing it away and discovering later what it was and realizing it too late, before putting a 10 yo child through the agony of divorce, before taking the chance that you might end up more financially in debt than you thought possible, why not put a little something into figuring out why you lost the love and whether you can get it back. Because with that long, I GUARANTEE you that you loved her once.
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Char Fox
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Your idea of staying in a long term marriage " for the good of the children " sounds good on paper, but in real life and real divorce law, this is behavior you will be punished severely for...
YOU made a huge mistake letting your STBX not work. Once a woman stops working, they rarely go back. Please order extra blank checks right now, you will need them. I believe it was a woman who made up the " Best for the Children " BS...
From now on when you hear that phrase " it is best for the children " you will know you are about to have to pay a ton of money.
Is it possible for you to leave the country ? Can you simply stop working altogether ? You are going to be sorry you earned money all those years.
Read this forum and you'll see the smart guys drink and screw around and have fun...Working hard and supporting a family and being successful in your career is a bad behavior you will be punished for now...
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
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Ignore this ignorant troll and realize it for the troll that it is. You'll be better off for it.
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Char Fox
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VA_43_man
recently joined
Reged: 10/21/07
Posts: 3
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I can only add that we did go through counseling with a couple different counselors prior to our first separation about 3 years ago and afterwards as well. The first one flat out told us that "you two shouldn't be together" and the second one made no ground with us. My wife has been suffering from depression and manic swings since her childhood and has been under counseling for it pretty much continually. Still she is an ok mom and there are no extraordinary circumstances that I believe would warrant me challenging anything the judge may want to order. I'm just so drained by the years of trying to "keep the peace" and she is pretty much drained too. Although she doesn't want the marriage to end I've come to the conclusion (I think) that it is really the best thing for all concerned but as you can tell I'm having some hesitation. I'm confident the relationship is over (and has been for a very long time). I think it is long overdue and we both deserve better (as do the kids).
I guess my question to this forum would be can it actually be better? For us? How about the kids? Can it actually be better for them? Or is nearly always the wrong thing to do (divorce that is) and is there always regrets?
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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Guy,
You are going to be supporting this woman for the REST OF YOUR/HER LIFE, WHICHEVER IS SHORTER. And the children til they are 18 or 21.
Who is that better for ? The kids ? You ? Or her ? You go away, she cashes the checks every month. How is that an improvement over the current state of affairs ?
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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peace
member
Reged: 08/24/07
Posts: 146
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VA
I know what it is like to be in a loveless marraige. I also got married young (21 and right out of college) I didnt know what true love was. We stayed togther for 15 years and came to the same decision you have to make. Do you stay married for the sake of your kids, The answer in no..you cant
My marraige counselor said my feelings are real and if you truly feel you are not in love and want to find happiness then you need to move on. It was the hardest thing to do and there are many rocky roads. People do not understand how you can get divorced if there was not an affair or physical abuse.. My realtionship was filled with emotional abuse..but thats another story for another day.
VA your feelings are real and you need to move on but you need to realize your children must come FIRST and you and ur stbx must learn how to CO PARent
Family counseling is wonderful. YOur children do not need to attend but it will teach both of you how to coparent togther,
I feel now that Im divorced we are both better parents
We truly work togther My son is happier then ever
Good Luck
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