RockSolid
recently joined
Reged: 10/23/07
Posts: 10
|
|
My wife and I are going to a marriage counselor. I had the impression that we were going to try to work our marriage issues out, but the counselor seems to be trying to get us to separate. We have only gone twice and I feel that the counselor made some very quick assumptions. I am concerned about this because I do not want to separate. Is this normal for a counselor to try to push us apart more than we have done ourselves?
|
Ryversmom
old hand
Reged: 05/29/07
Posts: 728
|
|
When we first started going to a counselor one of the first questions that he askes was for us to evaluate the relationship and take away the kids, the money, etc and to tell him wheither or not we would still want to be with each other. I thought it was strange too. But when we both agreed that without the other issues we would want to be together, then he focused on the issues.
What has the counsler suggested after these two visits?
--------------------
I've found that life is what you make of it...
|
RockSolid
recently joined
Reged: 10/23/07
Posts: 10
|
|
The counselor asked us both in the first session, what issues were bothering us. We both brought up our past issues and did it quite angrily, like we would usually do during a normal fight. When asked what we wanted to accomplish, I said that I wanted to learn how to let the past go, work on being a better person and be a better husband. My wife said that she wanted to split up. The counselor then said that it looked like we both wanted different things and that we should work on the separation. I was stunned and hurt. I was led to believe by my wife that we were going to counseling to work on our marriage. I have come to terms with a lot of my past and know that a lot of it was caused by me.
I have been seeing another counselor for individual issues, I have identified what those issues are and have been making huge strides (and will continue) in becoming the person that I want to be. I explained to my wife that I was going for individual for me, not us and whatever we decided would become of us would be taken on a day to day basis. I need to make myself better before I can truly focus on make us better.
When we went into the next marriage counseling session, we were more at ease and discussed how things had been going. I explained my situation, hoping that someone could just pause my life for a moment so that rash decisions were not hastily being made. My wife, kinda flip-flopped on the separation issue and seemed a bit unsure. I, on the other hand, agreed that if our life was going to continue the way it had in the past, we were better off parting ways. The counselor did comment that we should give it some time, but still pressured us to separate and to try to divide ourselves even more.
The fact of the matter is that I do not want a divorce. I love my wife more than anything in this world, but I want her to be happy. If happiness for her means that we separate, I am willing to give her that, even though it would kill me. If we ever divorced, I know that I would find someone else, but I would always look back and kick myself for not giving it a chance.
|
Ryversmom
old hand
Reged: 05/29/07
Posts: 728
|
|
It sounds like you guys aren't really sure what you want either. Space and time can make you value what you will be loosing even more. However it can also show you what you don't have to deal with on a daily basis.
We didn't seperate. Sometimes I wish that we would have just so that we could see the other person and what they really mean to the realationship.
We are still together but haven't been to a session in a while. I don't think we ever really got over our issues though. But we are at the moment taking one day at a time.
Getting the individual sessions is a good thing. Like you stated. You need to work on yourself before you can expect to work on things as a couple. You are taking the first step and that's great.
I hope you continue your sessions as a couple and maybe you can work through your differences. Does she have a main reason for wanting to divorce?
--------------------
I've found that life is what you make of it...
|
Gecko
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 19802
Loc: Third rock from the sun
|
|
I was stunned and hurt.
---> Maybe that was why she said it..."reality check" please.
---> Sometimes...wanting something and getting it are two different things. Sometimes...you don't know what you have until you lose, or about to lose it.
--------------------
If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!
|
RockSolid
recently joined
Reged: 10/23/07
Posts: 10
|
|
Quote:
It sounds like you guys aren't really sure what you want either. Space and time can make you value what you will be loosing even more. However it can also show you what you don't have to deal with on a daily basis.
We didn't seperate. Sometimes I wish that we would have just so that we could see the other person and what they really mean to the realationship.
We are still together but haven't been to a session in a while. I don't think we ever really got over our issues though. But we are at the moment taking one day at a time.
Getting the individual sessions is a good thing. Like you stated. You need to work on yourself before you can expect to work on things as a couple. You are taking the first step and that's great.
I hope you continue your sessions as a couple and maybe you can work through your differences. Does she have a main reason for wanting to divorce?
I have had a few issues for a long time. I was alcohol dependant, but I have been completely sober for three weeks. Counseling has helped me better understand and deal with my issues. Her, and my reason for wanting to split up, was that we didn’t want to live the way we were – constantly arguing and lots of tension. Since I quit drinking and have been going to individual counseling, I have not even had a remote desire to argue for the last few weeks and have come to terms with a lot of things that have happened in the past. As I said before, I want to be a better person for me.
|
Ryversmom
old hand
Reged: 05/29/07
Posts: 728
|
|
That is a great start. How are things on a daily basis. Are you doing anything together as a couple...walks, talks, dinner and a movie.
--------------------
I've found that life is what you make of it...
|
RockSolid
recently joined
Reged: 10/23/07
Posts: 10
|
|
She sits next to me and holds my hand (voluntarily). We walk around together. Last weekend we actually kissed passionately and were intimate. She smiles and hugs me on her own!
I am a bit confused. I want things to work but in our last session she was still pretty set on being separated (although mentions taking things slowly and "what ifs"). To me this sounds like she wants to work on things, but I do understand that we need to give each other healing space.
|
RockSolid
recently joined
Reged: 10/23/07
Posts: 10
|
|
Things have become a lot clearer in the last few weeks. The counselor seems to be putting me on the right road to success. It breaks my heart that I might have to let my wife go, but I am sure that I will be happy because of my outlook.
|
RockSolid
recently joined
Reged: 10/23/07
Posts: 10
|
|
I just found out that my wife had been seeing the pastor of our church for about a year. He was not married and had an interest in my wife and her in him. She just sobbingly told me that she just broke it off with him about a month ago because she felt guilty and that God would punish her. Well... I hope he does. Hope she enjoys her new life as I will mine.
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
