Bwanap
recently joined
Reged: 09/29/05
Posts: 1
|
|
I was contacted by an old schoolmate and we emailed for almost a year. I was overseas with no intention of returning anytime soon and so there was nothing romantic about our correspondence aside from a little flirting in reference to a few dates we had 20 years earlier. She told me how her marriage of ten years was unhappy. Nothing significant interms of abuse or fighting, just no love, no sex, no communication, etc. It had been like that for the last 5 years of the marriage. They had some discussions about separation but nothing ever happened.
I encouraged her to find out one way or the other, see if it is worth saving or move on, life is too short to live like that. I don't know what was said or done, but eventually she was telling me she was ready to move on. She was concerned about their son who is 3 and I said that he will be better in the long run if he has a happy mother.
Some time after that I came back to the US and we got together for a drink, after several times we realized there was more feelings going on there. She said she didn't want to get involved before she got separated or at least started the process and I agreed completely. But both of us at age 42 have been completely bowled over at the intensity of our feelings. She confronted her husband with separation and started looking for a place to live. We could not restrain ourselves and have been together almost daily since she started the process.
It has been about 2 months and she is finally moving out and packing up stuff in her house. She is feeling a lot of guilt and other emotions, which I have read are a normal stage in the divorce, especially as the one doing the leaving. I want to be with her, but I do not want to be the cause of her separation/divorce. I do not want to be the other man. She wants to talk to me about her feelings of guilt and remorse and feeling like the bad guy and how will her poor husband cope, etc. Although I want to be a good listener, it is rather uncomfortable for me and not really good for our future relationship I feel. When I mentioned to her that I wasn't sure how comfortable I felt, she was admant that she did not want to see me any less.
She made her decisions regarding her mariage long before her spouse did and I beleive she knows exactly what she wants. With him only beginning to deal with it and the physical changes involved she is now in the midst of the hard parts. I know our relationship timing was not ideal, but that is life and I do love this woman. I'm not sure of exactly the right approach at this time to give the best foundation for our future. Any comments?
|
almostheaven
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 07/13/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
|
|
Lay off the relationship. 1) It can damage her divorce if her husband finds out and brings it before the court...even if they ARE separated. It's still considered adultery. 2) If she didn't even give the marriage a concrete try (marriage counseling at least), I wouldn't be so sure she does know what she wants. The grass isn't always greener. What if you and she later grow apart? Since there's nothing seriously wrong with the relationship except a parting of ways, counseling could seriously help. For their child's sake, that would be best. If they try counseling and it still doesn't work, then she can consider the divorce. But without even trying? She's bailing without the effort and could choose to do so again in the future. If what you two have is real, it will still be real later if the counseling doesn't pan out. And then she can really say she knows what she wants and knows she did try her best to work out her marriage first.
--------------------
Char Fox
|
Tabitha
addict
Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 481
|
|
Typical excuses people use to have an affair....
1)..... how her marriage of ten years was unhappy. Nothing significant interms of abuse or fighting, just no love, no sex, no communication, etc.
2)..... have been completely bowled over at the intensity of our feelings.
3).....child will be better in the long run if he has a happy mother. (What total BS!)
What it boils down to is that she was bored with her life and pretty much blamed it on her husband although it's not his "job" to make her happy. Each person is responsible for their own happiness.
She feels guilty for a reason.... she should. She has thrown away her marriage and her child's secure two-parent family for a thrill that will soon enough turn into close to exactly what she already has in her current marriage. Eventually she will go looking for the thrill again.
The feelings you two are feeling come from a chemical reaction.... those fade within 6 months to 3 years. True love comes from commitment and respect for your mate, not the thrill of being "in love."
Marriage is about a commitment to vows two people have made to eachother. Think about it, they say, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part; not "until you get bored with one another or find someone better. "
If you marry this woman and take vows with her, that would be true irony. Two people saying vows to eachother who have no respect for them whatsoever. What would be the point?
You are opening this child up to a hell of a life for the next 16 or more years. Parents fighting over custody, visitation, child support. (If you think people can be reasonable about these things, try looking at the other boards on this forum.) A mother who is more concerned with dating and her own love life than her child's best interest. Being separated from at least one of his parents at all times. Stepparents who may or may not love them like their own child. Holidays separated from at least one of the people he loves most in the world. Things like Christmas mornings, first day of school, school plays, Thanksgiving dinner, summer vacation, his wedding day, etc. etc. etc. will never be the ideal family event that they should be. Divorce is an ugly, ugly thing, especially for children.
Good luck with the whole adulterous, homewrecking thing... you're gonna need it.
--------------------
"You never really know a person until you divorce them."
|
TheOtherGuy
recently joined
Reged: 09/26/05
Posts: 3
|
|
Just two quick comments (since your situation is about Life and not the Law)
1. The timing of the relationship is, as you say, "not ideal", but you can take control of that by taking a big step back and building in an intentional, protracted delay.
The way the situation is right now, you have no certainty that she really wants to be with you, rather than not be with her husband. This addresses the foundation of your life together. Now would be a good time to get this right.
2. The other observation i have is that this is obviously a bad time for you to pull back, now that she finally has gathered the courage to address her marriage and she thinks she knows what she wants to do about it.
(It might have been better to realize you should be really cautious with this on the day you returned to the US.)
I recommend really clear communication (written, if you feel you can express yourself better that way): the message is that she needs to figure things out for herself first, independent from you, which may take a year.
But be prepared for a fair amount of anger. When she realizes that she is walking away from her husband AND finds out she cannot rely on you, you may become a target. Perhaps of both her and the husband, if she cannot continue to hide your existence.
(It's not inconceivable that they'll make up.)
A year from now, you'll know, one way or another...
Good luck!
T.O.G.
|
passem
addict
Reged: 06/26/04
Posts: 463
Loc: Left Coast
|
|
Sounds like a rebound situation to me which, if pursued, will net you both what you deserve ~~ one another, or not.
My first rule of relationships is to never enter into one with someone who brings more baggage into it than will fit in the overhead compartment. Adultery will take up the entire cargo bay.
Not worth it in my opinion.
Age is no excuse and 42 is young. Of course, that's a matter of perspective for someone who divorced at 48 and at 50, married a 48-year old who'd been single anduninvolved since she was 30 because she had two daughters to raise with no support from her ex.
What's the bloody rush!
--------------------
Depression is merely anger without passion!
|
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
