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icwal
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Why do people drag it out?
      #361721 - 02/16/08 04:07 PM

I have a simple question that probably doesn't have a simple answer. Why do some people take so long to finalize their divorce? I hear so many times "It took our divorce 8 years", or "We are now into 4 years trying to come up with a settlement". Why don't more people just go to court and get it over with? Maybe its because the laws differ in each state? We are coming up with a settlement right now, and if my STBX doesn't agree to it then I am going to court. I have nothing to lose or hide going to court, in fact I welcome it, and since I am the one that filed I have that right to pay for a master and get this over with. I am not judging anyone how they handle their divorce, just curious why it takes so long for some people.

Edited by icwal (02/16/08 04:10 PM)


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PhoenixRising
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: icwal]
      #361727 - 02/16/08 04:49 PM

This is based on my own experience w/ divorce in NYS..

Judges tend to schedule dates 1mth apart. So if an issue took 6mths.. Generally there were 6 court appearances; 1 per month..

SUMMONS & PETITION 90 days

ANSWER AND COUNTER PETITION 30 days

TEMPORARY HEARINGS 6mths
· Temporary custody
· Temporary support and/or maintenance
· Where the parties are going to reside pending the resolution of the case
· Protection from harassment and domestic violence
· Injunctions against financial improprieties
· Use of assets

MEDIATION 3mths (concurrently w/temporary hearings)….

CO-PARENTING CLASSES 30-90 days

CASE REVIEW / STATUS CONFERENCES 9mths

DISCOVERY 9mths (concurrently w/status conferences)….
Interrogatories.
Document Requests
Releases of Information
Requests for Admissions
Depositions

EXPERTS: 12mths
· custody evaluators
· financial planners
· business evaluators
· real estate appraisers
· personal property appraiser
· vocational evaluator
· psychologists

SETTLEMENT CONFERENCES 12mths (concurrently w/experts doing their work)

PRETRIAL CONFERENCES 6 mths

TRIAL 8mths

JUDGE’S DECISION 6mths

DIVORCE JUDGMENT FILED 7mths

Judgment found defective 4mths
New Judgments Filed ****still waiting****

Modification ongoing

Enforcement ongoing

5 years and still awaiting a “valid” divorce judgment…

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icwal
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: PhoenixRising]
      #361737 - 02/16/08 06:43 PM

If it involves custody than I totally would understand why it would take longer, because that is something you are going to fight down to the bone for. As far as the financial end of it the laws are what they are. Equitable distribution is just that. Other than that I guess I don't get it, or should I say maybe I am in for a rude awakening. The house apprasial is done, the business appraisal is done, the discovery is in the process, and he is over his 30 days, so we are now taking him to court, because I am not waiting any longer - 30 days is long enough. I filed 5 months ago and I am done with everything that needs to be done on my end.

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BetsyR
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: PhoenixRising]
      #361748 - 02/16/08 07:52 PM

Wow, PR, you've really been through the wringer. You're one tough cookie. Very depressing list -- I'm in NY too.

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BetsyR
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: icwal]
      #361754 - 02/16/08 08:01 PM

When you take him to court, then what? Do you ask that every bit of the marital assets be awarded to you and all the debt to him?

I ask because I think I'll be in the same position in a week or so. I'll ask my lawyer, but I'd also like to hear from PR or anyone else who lives in NY.

In my stbx's case, lwcal, he has every reason to drag out this limbo as long as possible. He has control of all the marital assets & spends them freely on the OW, while I can only make ends meet w/ the help of some kind relatives. He knows I'll take care of the marital house -- repairs, insurance, shoveling snow off the roof -- and he doesn't have to give it a thought. He clearly thinks that his search for eternal youth can go on for a long time yet. Why shouldn't he drag it out until the last possible moment? I bet your stbx is cut from the same cloth as mine.


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icwal
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: BetsyR]
      #361771 - 02/16/08 09:33 PM

I don't live in NY so your laws may differ than mine. The assets will be split equitable (not necessarily equal)and so will the debt. Yes, my STBX is dragging feet because he has alot of misconduct that we have 100% proof of, that will be brought up in divorce court, if not further.

However since I am the one that filed I have the right to pay for a master and court time, which is what I am doing.

By the way - keep track of all martial money spent on the OW. Mine is already up to close to $4,000.0 and all discovery papers have not been turned in yet.

Edited by icwal (02/16/08 09:38 PM)


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Maury
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: icwal]
      #361781 - 02/16/08 10:09 PM

There are many reasons. One is control. Once the divorce is over, control is thought to be lost. While the divorce lingers, the cord is not cut and many people have trouble letting go.

Divorces linger and last on small and silly issue, in many cases where the fees paid for lawyers are ridiculous compared to the issues in dispute, only for pride and control purposes. It is often difficult to change that mindset.


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DeeCee
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: icwal]
      #361782 - 02/16/08 10:09 PM

Quote:


By the way - keep track of all martial money spent on the OW. Mine is already up to close to $4,000.0 and all discovery papers have not been turned in yet.




Without a doubt my stbx has been spending money on his OW..which I discovered has been ongoing for years. but how can I find out exactly what? I undertsand disclosure will reveal money in his accounts but what about his credit card spendings..if I have all his credit cards numbers is that usable information..his business account credit cards..


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almostheaven
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But you're not done... [Re: icwal]
      #361786 - 02/16/08 10:23 PM

You're taking him to court, BUT, he can postpone it, then postpone that one, then again, and so on. He can drag his feet, show up in court and claim his attorney quit and he doesn't have a new one yet...another postponement.

Don't think that just because you're taking him to court that this is going to end soon. It may or may not.

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icwal
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Re: But you're not done... [Re: almostheaven]
      #361793 - 02/16/08 10:42 PM

Thanks for your input everyone - like I said maybe I am in for a rude awakening. If he does keep postponing things won't the courts catch on and get sick of the games? The strings have been cut for me months ago, however even though he has OW, he seems to still have a problem with with the fact that he has no control over what I do. When ever he tries to ask me something I tell him to call his lawyer and that really ticks him off.

I did want to thank all of you for your input, you always seem to help me, because this is all new to me, and what I think should happen and what really happens are usually two different thing.

Thanks Maury for always giving me the answers based on the laws and you never seem to judge anyone (even though I am sure you don't agree with us all the time).


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icwal
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Re: But you're not done...(DeeCee) [Re: icwal]
      #361797 - 02/16/08 10:44 PM

Dee, you are entitle to all discovery information that you need. I know a while back Maury posted a very helpful list of all discovery papers that you can ask for, but I am not sure where it was posted. Maybe he can help.

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almostheaven
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Eventually, but... [Re: icwal]
      #361798 - 02/16/08 10:46 PM

Read PR's post. Between each postponement are rescheduled hearings, cancellations due to the court docket, etc. And not all courts move so swiftly as to have a hearing every month. Some schedule you 6 months down the line. So if he gets a postponement, then they reschedule it another 6 months later, well....there's a year gone. Then say the judge has to reschedule due to a conflict on the docket or any old reason? They notify you of the new court day...5 months later. And on it goes. Generally, they won't put their foot down until one party has postponed several times. And even then, they may have protocol that forces them to give one more opportunity or something that will drag it on for another scheduling.

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Maury
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Re: But you're not done... [Re: icwal]
      #361799 - 02/16/08 10:49 PM

I, like anyone else from Judges to lawyers, have a bias. But every case is different. It is imposiible to distill specific issues in a limited formum like this. The one thing I know is that divorce is too expensive and it is often expensive because parties argue about things, not based on money, but control. It is as much a psychological issue as a legal one.

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BetsyR
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: icwal]
      #361821 - 02/16/08 11:41 PM

lcwal, I'm hoping that if my stbx has to pay substantial temporary support, he won't be tempted to drag it out, for control or for any other reason.

My biggest immediate concern, & posisbly also the biggest concern of many posters here, is getting some money to live on while the divorce creeps slowly, slowly through the court system. For example, I have to maintain the expensive marital home on my small income, since stbx won't pay the insurance or get the furnace fixed on his large income. Other people have even more urgent needs -- kids at home, or disabilities, or no money for a lawyer. It would be fantastic to have the whole divorce over and done wit, but in the mean while, it would be such a blessing to have Temporary Support.

As i understand it, here's how it works in NY. Maybe the same rules apply in other states:
1. once the stbx has been served w/ the divorce papers, he/she has 3 weeks to respond. My stbx is very unlikely to respond on time -- he's been hiding his head in the sand for so long, his @ss is all sunburned!
2. When time is up, if I don't hear from him, I file a RJI, asking for adequate temp. support, as well as discovery and other things. The info about stbx's finances may be slow in coming, but according to my lawyer, the court will almost always order temp. support at a more generous level than permanent support.
3. Stbx may not pay TS, but then he/she will be in violation of a CO.
4. Since stbx has to pay a substantial sum every monht, more than permanent SS would be, he/she has a much greater incentive to get a lawyer, provide discovery documents, keep appointments & generally get the divorce finished. Of course, this procedure would only work if TS is likely to be higher than permanent SS.

Seems to me that this is a good plan for getting my carefree stbx and his lazy lawyer to buckle down and work on the divorce! Would this work for your situation lcwal?

PR, it's clear from your posts that your stbx would rather lose a fortune than give you a buck, but maybe this plan would work for most folks. It's worth a try, isn't it? Maury, what do you think?

btw, I've been married 30 years and my stbx earns about 7 or 8 times what I earn, so I could get SS if I wanted it. I don't want it, but I sure can use some help with the marital bills. which I've been paying by myself.


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Maury
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: BetsyR]
      #361824 - 02/16/08 11:50 PM

I work in Minnesota and Wisconsin. I have no greater knowledge except what I research and learn here.

1. once the stbx has been served w/ the divorce papers, he/she has 3 weeks to respond. My stbx is very unlikely to respond on time -- he's been hiding his head in the sand for so long, his @ss is all sunburned!

In Wisconsin a response is 20 days. In Minnesota it is 30 days. However, courts are extremely reluctant to default parties even if they respond late.

2. When time is up, if I don't hear from him, I file a RJI, asking for adequate temp. support, as well as discovery and other things. The info about stbx's finances may be slow in coming, but according to my lawyer, the court will almost always order temp. support at a more generous level than permanent support.

I am not sure the court awards temporary supoprt more generously than permanent support. Of course financial circumstances are important.

3. Stbx may not pay TS, but then he/she will be in violation of a CO.

If there is a court order that is true. If assets are lost, it may be something that is faulted to the person failing to pay under an order. As a result, the other party gains more in property division.

4. Since stbx has to pay a substantial sum every monht, more than permanent SS would be, he/she has a much greater incentive to get a lawyer, provide discovery documents, keep appointments & generally get the divorce finished. Of course, this procedure would only work if TS is likely to be higher than permanent SS.

It is always an incentive and discovery that is formal should always be served in such cases. Depostiions are usually critical.


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icwal
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Re: Why do people drag it out/Betsy [Re: Maury]
      #361840 - 02/17/08 01:27 AM

Betsy - My STBX is still living here so Support is not an issue right now. I was a SAHM for 16 years and married for 25 years so I am sure I will be receiving some kind of SS and CS.

I could be wrong but as long as no TS is being given to you I thought that both parties are responsible for maritial bills - Someone please let me know if I am wrong.


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PhoenixRising
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Re: But you're not done... [Re: icwal]
      #361927 - 02/17/08 11:27 AM

"If he does keep postponing things won't the courts catch on and get sick of the games?"

----> No because the courts are backed up and filled w/ pple like your stbx.. It is just status quo.

Both parties have to certify to being "ready for trial" before a trial date can be set. The court will grant a reasonable amount of time.

Reasonable "could" be more than a year (or more). Each party has the right to the time necessary to "prepare". It takes a long time.

Be aware that one doesn't decide to go the trial route to "speed things up" or "to save money". It doesn't.

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DeeCee
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Re: But you're not done... [Re: icwal]
      #361954 - 02/17/08 12:56 PM

The original question stays in my mind too. In my situation my stbx really thinks after 14 years of marriage it's all his. And I'm entitled to nada. That's why part of me feels I'm dealing not only with an angry spouse but has he lost his mind? Sincerely. Can rage make you lose your mind. It also makes me wonder how can he mentally be ar ease with OW and psychologically switch to thinking I will go through all this legal fighting to prove what that I was all of a sudden non-existent. I find myself now in this position of organizing and collecting document after document from years ago (those I'm lucky enough to be able to find) to prove my existance in this marriage inorder to validate to a court, Hey I am married to this man..I built a home with him and because he erased me out..doesn't mean I didn't exist!

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Relayer
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: icwal]
      #362026 - 02/17/08 03:53 PM

Quote:

I have a simple question that probably doesn't have a simple answer. Why do some people take so long to finalize their divorce? I hear so many times "It took our divorce 8 years", or "We are now into 4 years trying to come up with a settlement". Why don't more people just go to court and get it over with? Maybe its because the laws differ in each state? We are coming up with a settlement right now, and if my STBX doesn't agree to it then I am going to court. I have nothing to lose or hide going to court, in fact I welcome it, and since I am the one that filed I have that right to pay for a master and get this over with. I am not judging anyone how they handle their divorce, just curious why it takes so long for some people.




Neither took me that long because I was so deperate to get out of both.

It's 100% tied to money and control. Some would like to say the kids but that is pretty much decided by state statute.

Greed.

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Relayer
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Re: Why do people drag it out/Betsy [Re: icwal]
      #362028 - 02/17/08 03:54 PM

Quote:

Betsy - My STBX is still living here so Support is not an issue right now. I was a SAHM for 16 years and married for 25 years so I am sure I will be receiving some kind of SS and CS.

I could be wrong but as long as no TS is being given to you I thought that both parties are responsible for maritial bills - Someone please let me know if I am wrong.




I have learned nothing is "for sure" in court.

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DeeCee
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: Relayer]
      #362058 - 02/17/08 05:51 PM

Quote:


It's 100% tied to money and control. Some would like to say the kids but that is pretty much decided by state statute.

Greed.




Yea. My stbx had the audacity to say to me I was being greedy because I wouldn't accept a ridiculously joke of a settlement. How can you reason with a spouse who is using the divorce and $$$ as a means to settle some anger issue.
Because he is operating from his angry control side..we have to go the whole back and forth with lawyers. I can't imagine that he doesn't realize eventually all documents are going to be looked over. There no way he can deny the longevity of the marriage and what was accrued together. SO we have to have a judge say to use like we are two kids fighting over a toy..you get this and you get that?
crazy.


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kmich91261
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: DeeCee]
      #362180 - 02/18/08 03:02 AM

Mine is so crazy! My STBX has put in black and white that there won't be any settlement even if we agree upon everything else unless I agree to STBX having sole custody only of our 4 year old son. STBX even had enough nerve to say in the same e-mail that she would be vindictive unless I agreed to sole custody. I had offered before our separation to give STBX the proceeds in the house after it was sold (this was before the car debt was added), the car, almost everything we bought during the marriage with the exception of a few items of very little to no value in the grand scheme of things I wanted, and the most important thing was joint custody since this would be fair to our 4 year old son and to us. Where is the thought process on this on STBX's behalf?!?!?!?! A reasonable person would have said okay lets sign the papers on what we agree upon and let the judge decide on what we can't agree upon. But she has said in the same e-mail previously stating she would be vindicative she would rather have the "black robes" (aka the court) decide and pay thousands of dollars in attorney's fees versus being somewhat reasonable. I could understand if I wasn't a father before we separated (meaning I didn't want anything to do with our son or her daughter) or there was legal issues (such as DV, drug or alcohol abuse) but as I've described in previous postings this wasn't the case. The fact of the matter was that although I worked a full time job during the day, she took it upon herself to just up and leave for the evening (sometimes even before I got home) leaving our son and her daughter in my care until she got home at the wee hours of the next morning. She would go out drinking then drive home, go to the casino quite frequently (towards the end before the sep date almost everyday), be out with friends, and on one known time she sobered up in a "friends" bed that turned out to be a male friend who I know very little about. And for those that said I just let it happen without asking her why she had to do the things she did, I did ask her on several occasions why she had to do it and why it was more important then her family? No real reason other then she had to live for today versus for tomorrow. I even brought it up in marriage counseling and she said she didn't nor was going to change.

The other things that drive me crazy is that STBX won't make a decision even on the small minor things without consulting legal or won't open her d-mn mouth and say something to me. One example was my STBX and I were at the courthouse and we had just finished our second hearing. I had a check from the credit card company that was for $34. When I asked would you like to come to the bank and cash this or would you like me to write you out half the refund from my own check book and you still sign the check so I can cash it? Her response was I'll have to discuss this with my attorney. My first thought was what a dumb a-s because by the time you get done talking with the attorney you will have burned up your half of the refund and then some.

We have an agreement in one of the first COs that STBX can come and pack with anybody she chooses so long as the date is agreed upon by both. Well recently (last week) my most recently fired attorney got a letter from STBX's attorney claiming that I wouldn't allow her in the house (locks were changed the weekend STBX left because her drunken brother threatened me by saying watch your back) on a previous occasion to pack. I had written proof that proved that was wrong. STBX contacted me last week for coming in 2/17/09 which I agreed however all I wanted to know was who was coming and how long they were going to be there (I had our son and wanted to plan accordingly) out of common courtesy and to protect my a-s if there was question of who was all their on her side. STBX apparently took this as that I wouldn't allow her in the door and contacted her attorney.

On the same letter my STBX accused me of not cooperating to sell the house. In the same CO which we agreed upon packing her belongings we also agreed to sell the house. We agreed upon that we would come up with a mutually agreed upon real estate agent, selling price, ect, with no deadline given. We also agreed that if we couldn't agree upon an agent then the two attorneys would come up with one. Well the ironic thing is that since November the only discussions that have come up pertaining to selling the house is her asking do you have an agent yet and my replies being no how about you? Her replies was nope no agent yet however should put the house on the market soon. I did have a ridiculous offer from her brother asking to buy the house but I sniffed out a rotten fish in the offer and never got back to him. Since November I've changed my mind and would like to keep the house however the two wild cards are the CS and SS (if it continues). I had expressed this to my ex attorney and he agreed that it should be delayed as much as possible. I've also expressed my concern with my STBX on the few occasions we discussed the house and also with my attorney that if we sell the house in this extreme market we will be in the red.

Can you tell me why somebody would be so unreasonable or for that matter (as the OP said) drag it out for so long? I've pointed this out to STBX and that it would be best if we got this done ASAP not only for our son but so we can move on with our lives.

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BetsyR
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: Maury]
      #362181 - 02/18/08 03:36 AM

Thank you Maury!

In my case, I expect TS to be infinitely greater than SS, because I don't want SS. One, I'd rather go for a larger share of the assets. Two, if my ex had to pay SS, he'd be back every other month telling everyone how poor he is, how his clients have all disappeared, how his expenses are soooo high. Just thinking about dealing with the probable adjustments fives me a headache.

So I hope that when stbx learns that I'm willing to forgo SS but will insist upon TS, maybe that will light a fire under his sorry rear. I hope TS will be substantial, but I'm interested to hear you don't necessarily think it will be.


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BetsyR
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Re: But you're not done... [Re: PhoenixRising]
      #362182 - 02/18/08 03:39 AM

That's grim, PR! But a good reality check.

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BetsyR
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Re: But you're not done... [Re: DeeCee]
      #362183 - 02/18/08 03:45 AM

DeeCee, my stbx is your stbx's twin, except that mine lost his mind first, then he filled with anger later. Same end product, though.

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matart1
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: icwal]
      #362194 - 02/18/08 07:35 AM

I think some of it is about the mental makeup of an individual.

I think I had filed for divorce in July-August maybe and in October that same year it was granted by the Judge.

in my husband's case when he was going through his first divorce - it dragged out for like 3 years. a lot of it was nickle and dime and trivial bs.
it was control - she wanted to be married but not to him but she did not want to relinquish her say so in their life or his paycheck - then once she was divorced she wanted to be married back to him....

sometimes people drag it out because they can or maybe because the court where it is filed is inept.

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BeckaLeigh
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: icwal]
      #362207 - 02/18/08 09:37 AM

It took us a little over 2 years to finalize our divorce. It took so long because we have 2 kids together who we both fought to keep. Each of us had our own reasons but his reason, and he has told me many times, was that if he didnt have custody of the kids, he couldnt control me. My reasons were much simpler. He is a drug abusing, abusive alcoholic who cares more for himself than he ever will anyone else. The kids are more stable, safe, comfortable, well cared for, etc.. with me than with him. If it had taken 8 years or longer, I would have done it the same way.

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DeeCee
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: matart1]
      #362216 - 02/18/08 10:00 AM

Quote:

I think some of it is about the mental makeup of an individual.





I first got hint that my stbx was mentally losing his mind when I informed him I would not sign the Separation Agreement as it was written. I simply informed him..and the without warning he exploded in full blown rage calling me derogatory names! Aside from being shocked at his verbal attack on me I kept thinking all that and he didn't even bother asking me why? He never said what do want or why not? He took my refusal to sign as doing something against him. So because I felt then I only want to use a lawyer to protect my self interest he has taken this warpath mentality.


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icwal
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: kmich91261]
      #362476 - 02/18/08 03:51 PM

Kmich - Even though I agree on most everything you say in your post I would have to agree on your STBX on the "no contact" part. Even if you 2 are still living together you should not be discussing anything and I mean anythingwith each other. If my STBX would tell me I left my lights on in the car I would tell him to call his lawyer. Both of you are getting a divorce which means that you do not have to answer to anything to each other and if there is misconduct it will be worked out in court.

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DeeCee
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: icwal]
      #362655 - 02/18/08 07:00 PM

Quote:

... Even if you 2 are still living together you should not be discussing anything and I mean anythingwith each other. If my STBX would tell me I left my lights on in the car I would tell him to call his lawyer. Both of you are getting a divorce which means that you do not have to answer to anything to each other and if there is misconduct it will be worked out in court.




how funny that you mention this. I was going to ask here on this thread do any of you talk with your spouse still...especially if you lived under the same roof while going through the divorce process. I have virtually no desire nor have made any attempts at talking with the ex. Absolutely nil. At one point last month he asked me for my 2007 spending expenses..Normally beofre this I would have sat down an gone over them ..but I e-mailed him and replied if you want that information have your lawyer contact mine. I find for myself this is the only way to prevent any way for him to slip in an negative jabs.


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kmich91261
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: icwal]
      #362819 - 02/19/08 12:12 AM

icwal, I understand your thoughts on thoughts on this. However how about to just confirm a childs shoe size? Now come on, if all I'm doing is asking if "Johnny still wears a size 13 shoe, right?" and the reply is leave me alone, and she has the kid. Isn't this taking it to the extreme? Come on a little common sense is warranted, isn't it? This really doesn't help foster a good realtionship with the child in my opinion but makes it toughter.

--------------------
"Get busy living or get busy dying." Shawshank Redemption


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Relayer
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: icwal]
      #363143 - 02/19/08 02:59 PM

Quote:

I have a simple question that probably doesn't have a simple answer. Why do some people take so long to finalize their divorce? I hear so many times "It took our divorce 8 years", or "We are now into 4 years trying to come up with a settlement". Why don't more people just go to court and get it over with? Maybe its because the laws differ in each state? We are coming up with a settlement right now, and if my STBX doesn't agree to it then I am going to court. I have nothing to lose or hide going to court, in fact I welcome it, and since I am the one that filed I have that right to pay for a master and get this over with. I am not judging anyone how they handle their divorce, just curious why it takes so long for some people.




As a side note, my first wife STILL, to this day, basically "stalks" me. I mean, I can't make a move without her somehow knowing about it. To the point of it being scary. And she lets me know she knows this stuff.

This is 13 years later and she is remarried.

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DeeCee
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: Relayer]
      #363231 - 02/19/08 03:42 PM

Quote:



As a side note, my first wife STILL, to this day, basically "stalks" me. I mean, I can't make a move without her somehow knowing about it. To the point of it being scary. And she lets me know she knows this stuff.

This is 13 years later and she is remarried.




that's bizarre.


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icwal
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: kmich91261]
      #363232 - 02/19/08 03:42 PM

kmich...I am not faulting you or trying to judge you, however it is sound advice that your lawyer would probably recommend you use. I know alot of people on this board also practice the "no contact" rule. It just opens alot of avenues that can get you in trouble when you communicate with each other. I would like to hear from other posters on this subject.

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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: DeeCee]
      #363308 - 02/19/08 04:41 PM

Quote:

Quote:



As a side note, my first wife STILL, to this day, basically "stalks" me. I mean, I can't make a move without her somehow knowing about it. To the point of it being scary. And she lets me know she knows this stuff.

This is 13 years later and she is remarried.




that's bizarre.




I'm really serious. She knows where I have been, when I come and go, a lot of stuff. Then an email pops up questioning me on it. And really scary is she rarely leaves her house.

I know she purposely made "friends" with various people I have met after the divorce. People she would never met but somehow has.

It's not as bad as it was but for the for 10-11 years it was horrible.

If I thought she was the least bit dangerous, I would file an OP but she's not. Just obsessed.

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kmich91261
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: icwal]
      #363343 - 02/19/08 05:27 PM

icwal, I understand you aren't trying to judge or fault me. It just seems so idiotic that in this day that at least some courtesy or common sense for that matter can't be used. If my STBX called me up confirming our son's shoe size I wouldn't tell her to leave me alone. How can a person get off by saying "leave me alone" when all I'm asking is to confirm a shoe size about our child which she has? All this is doing is hurting our son in the long run in my honest opinion. This is the same person that has text messaged me and said please don't contact me unless it is about our son. The actions don't fit the words.

--------------------
"Get busy living or get busy dying." Shawshank Redemption


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DeeCee
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Re: Why do people drag it out? [Re: kmich91261]
      #363481 - 02/19/08 08:50 PM

Quote:

icwal, I understand you aren't trying to judge or fault me. It just seems so idiotic that in this day that at least some courtesy or common sense for that matter can't be used. If my STBX called me up confirming our son's shoe size I wouldn't tell her to leave me alone. How can a person get off by saying "leave me alone" when all I'm asking is to confirm a shoe size about our child which she has? All this is doing is hurting our son in the long run in my honest opinion. This is the same person that has text messaged me and said please don't contact me unless it is about our son. The actions don't fit the words.




I personally can see where concerning your children (especially if you are all living under the same roof through a divorce..exchange of basic information regarding the child is neceassary) it may indeed be prudent to speak. But if it goes beyond that..that exchange of information is going to turn soon give way to some trivial disagreement. Of course if two people who are amiable during their divorce naturally talking and giving information is not harmful. But if the divorce is not amiable I don't see why engage in conversation.

My stbx knows that the only way to get at me is to say cryptic remarks or jabs or speak in a condescending tone. I'd like to say that it bounces off me, but I often felt hurt and insecure to receive such biting remarks. I must say the less exchange since I took a lawyer has been like lead lifted off my spirit.


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