bent_over
recently joined
Reged: 04/02/08
Posts: 13
|
|
I filed for divorce in June 2006. I was the breadwinner in my marriage because my HUSBAND couldn't for some reason get paid enough to cover what it would cost for daycare for our two children. SO..... He stayed home during the day while I went to work for the last 12 months we lived together. He worked parttime as a Customer Service person for 4 hrs at night. He was sexually abusive to me throughout our entire marriage. Meaning he would refuse to let me sleep until he had sex with me. He would keep me awake for hours on end until I gave up and let him have his 5 minutes of sex. It was horrible.. I didn't even understand it was abuse until after we went to therapy and the counselor pointed it out.
I paid for this man to go to college, I didn't even get to go because I HAD to work to pay the bills. I paid for him to have a brand new car because I was sick of hearing him cry about it. He even had a sports car that was his "dream" car.
I asked for the divorce and took the kids on a planned family vacation.
He cleaned out our entire 2,500 sq ft home (except for the kids toys and clothing), sold the two cars (they were completely paid for) he kept all of the proceeds. This was in June 2006.
I have been awarded the children (he didnt fight for them) I have to carry medical/dental/vision for them(374.00 per month), pay for the daycare $1,200.00 per month. Fast forward to yesterday...
He has refused to settle out of court. He won't take any settlement I offer. He wants allimony (11K per yr), wants to reduce his child support to 500.00 per month (from 1000.00 because magically when we split he was able to get a real job that pays double what he made prior to taking his year off) and he wants some amount of a check somewhere around 10K just because I dont know why and he wants half of a pension that I didn't even know I had until two weeks ago. I said fine have half the pension and in 35 years when I retire you can have it.
I don't understand where the JUSTICE is in the justice system. We have been to court over 10 times in the past 2 years, the judge keeps putting us off. The attorneys don't talk. His side will NOT negoiate. I am so worn down, I just want to give him whatever he wants. I never thought I could hate someone this much.
Our eldest son is 7, he HATES going to his dad's house. He cries and begs and pleads to stay at home. It is heartbreaking. Does the sperm donor care??? NO, not in the slightest.
WHY CAN'T ANYONE HELP US???? I just don't understand this. Has ANYONE in the world gone through this??? ANYONE??
Oh yeah and by the way when he cleaned out the house... He took EVERY single photograph of our children.. I dont' have one single picture of a birth, a birthday, x-mas NOTHING. What a great guy...
|
PhoenixRising
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 01/05/07
Posts: 3681
Loc: New York
|
|
Before I launch into my spiel; please know that I do understand how you are feeling.
You were abused and you were violated. And then he is allowed to steal all the stuff that made up your daily life including memories like the children's baby pics...
The same happened to me!
It is overwhelming and it is sad. It feels like no one has the answers and no one can help you. It stinks and feels very unfair…
Pat yourself on the back for being able to march on w/ your life and persevere. This is Not the Life You Ordered..
What I learned from my 5yr ordeal is that it is not the Justice System’s fault.
First, you and I have to take responsibility for our own poor choices. We married our guys. The writing was on the wall that they were losers but we ignored all the warning signs. It sounds like you smartened up faster than I. I stayed married for 20yrs….
Second, instead of looking at how bad things are and bemoaning the situation; look at how bad they could have been and thank your lucky stars that you have it so good. He could have sued for custody. He was the primary caregiver. He would have had a basis for consideration. Think about how much your DS7 would be crying if that had happened. My ex asked for sole custody. The custody trial drove my legal debt close to $100k. More than I will be to pay off in this lifetime.
Third, 2yrs is NOT a long time for a contested divorce. You need to adjust your expectations. This is a long process. And nothing momentous happens after the trial. There can still be demands for court appearances on new motions and/or appeals.
Can’t say that my life change in anyway since my divorce trial in 10/07. I think he has dragged me back to court at least ten times.
Also the visitation drama doesn’t go away.
The bottom line, the courts can’t adjucate his behavior. The courts can’t be held responsible for our poor choices in marital partners…
--------------------
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. --Plato
|
PrincessJ
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/25/07
Posts: 7176
Loc: 39.10 degrees North 94.58 degr...
|
|
OMG...your ex sounds like mine. We have 3 kids, the third was the result of him raping me in our first separation. My ex stayed home with the kids for 6 months before our final separation and worked as a waiter at night. I was the bread winner, although I had only a HS diploma & he has a law degree.
AND, he took all the pictures! LOL!
I don't have any quality advice, other than to retain a good attorney and expect him to shed crocodile tears at trial about how YOU chose your work over your kids and HE sacrificed his lucrative job to stay home because you didn't care about the kids.
That's what my ex did.
I nearly lost PCP as a result. Had to appeal the judgement and was able to successfully overturn it.
All I can say is expect the worst in court. Be prepared.
--------------------
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey
|
stay
recently joined
Reged: 04/28/08
Posts: 4
|
|
Hi BO, love that name. I guess misery loves company, I too paid for my STBX wife's college. I have just begun to research this messy stuff. I think she will probably go after my assets like your STBX. We do have a child, I have no problem supporting him. Just don't want her laying around all day living off me. She is perfectly capable of supporting herself. Guess I just wanted to vent. What state do you live in?
|
Maury
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/02/04
Posts: 8146
Loc: This Asylum --->
|
|
I don't believe the posting party said anything about force or rape. She indicated that her spouse woke her up because he wished to have sex. there is a big differenc`e. WIthout more, characterizing that as abuse seems inaccurate and, frabnkly unfair. If someone has to tell you it is abuse, it is probably not abuse.
Aside from that, she is experiencing what many people who are the primary breadwinner in the family experience. Often, thses same complaints are heard from the husband's side of the table, although there seems to be significantly less empathy in posts when that does occur.
That notwithstanding, I would suggest encouraging the attorneys to schedule a four way conferecne where the parties can sit down and figure out what issues they do have and resolve those that can be resolved. In my experience, little gets done unless such meetings occur.
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
