jules1
recently joined
Reged: 05/20/08
Posts: 1
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advice please?!
I AM NEW TO THIS DISCUSSION - BUT AFTER READING SOME POSTS I THOUGHT I WOULD ASK ADVICE
MY XH (DIVORCE WAS FINAL 5 DAYS AGO) IS LIVING WITH HIS GF OF 3 MONTHS. WE DIVORCED AS AMICABLY AS POSSIBLE. BUT IT SEEMS AS THOUGH AS SOON AS IT WAS FINAL - HE FLIPPED! NOW ON HIS NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS HE HAS THEM AT HER HOUSE AND EVEN LET MY MIDDLE CHILD (8YRS) SLEEP IN THE BED WITH THEM. I THINK I WAS DUMB TO ASSUME THAT HE WOULD TRY TO MORALLY AND ETHICALLY RAISE OUR CHILDREN. WE DO HAVE JOINT CUSTODY, I AM THE DOMICILE PARENT, AND THE NEW GF LIVES IN THE NEXT STATE (ONLY 1 HR AWAY) HE SAYS HIS ACTIONS ARE JUST FINE - AND WHAT DAMAGE COULD HE REALLY BE DOING?( HE IS A FORMER MINISTER) - ANY ADVICE OR ARE MY CHILDREN JUST GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN FROM HIS BEHAVIOR?
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gdave44
member
Reged: 11/04/06
Posts: 151
Loc: New Mexico
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First rule of forum etiquette, turn your caps lock off. Typing in all caps is interpreted as yelling and nobody here has given you cause to yell. We all understand your frustration and we all have gone through a good share of it ourselves.
I, personally, agree that he should not have the child in the bed with them for any reason. However, I feel it's improper even if the girlfriend wasn't there. But, realistically, was the child accustomed to sleeping with the two of you before the divorce? I'd assume that he and his GF were just as appropriately dressed and behaved as the two of you were in the same situation. Now, if the child being in bed is a new thing, then you definitely have cause for concern. The mere threat of revisiting custody may be enough for him to reconsider his behavior. Afterall, it's not too terribly difficult to get a sleepover clause added to where he cannot have a GF overnight during his parenting time. Remember though, what's good for the goose is good for the gander and that same clause would apply to you. That may not matter to you now, but it may in the future.
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Debi
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 7139
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Unfortunately without a morals clause (or whatever the proper term is) there is nothing you can do about them living together. There isn't one in my divorce so I don't know a lot about it but I would imagine that you wouldn't get far filing for one only a few days after the divorce is final. It would also depend on your state and possibly even county. I don't believe one could be added in my area (my judge wouldn't even put in a ROFR. Said he didn't believe in them)
One of the things that stinks the most about divorce is that you have no control over what the other parent does when they have they children. I'm not saying you shouldn't be concerned. Every parent should always be concerned about their children when they are with them OR away. It's what parents do, but more than likely at this stage of the game you are going to have to be more concerned about what's harmful than what you don't agree with. I know that some people will argue that it is harmful to children when they're parents cohabitate with others and they may be right. I however am refering to immediate physical harm. Unless the GF is a danger to the kids I don't see much happening at this point.
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When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.
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Kiddo
recently joined
Reged: 06/04/08
Posts: 6
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I am brand new to all of this. What is the acronym "ROFR"
My husband asked for a divorce last month and moved out last weekend into his GF's house. Tonight he has our son (age 11) on his first overnight visitation. A little bird told me 30 minutes ago that it is illegal in the state of South Carolina to have a member of the oppostie sex under the same roof overnight if the kid(s) are there and that I can have all of his overnight visitation terminated. Can anyone verify? (Yes, I will check with my attorney, but I was hoping to not eat into my retainer too early on in the game.)
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rocketgirl
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Reged: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
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Let me ask you this question. Do you love your child MORE than you hate your STBX (soon to be ex)? If the answer is yes, then drop this foolish notion that you are going to control what goes on in your ex's life (including having a GF around your son). If the answer is no, then by all means, make your child's life miserable by putting him in the middle of a battle of wills,that will turn out NOT in your favor.
Is he a horrible, abusive father? Does he beat your son, is verbally abusive, do drugs or drink excessively around your child?
A child needs BOTH parents in their lives unless one parent is deemed (not by YOU, but by a court of law) dangerous to the child. They need to know that their parents will put their well being above all else and that their happiness is the most important thing that the parents want for their child. Don't let bitterness and hate turn you into someone your child will want to get away from.
Again.. do you love your child more than you hate your ex?
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Lisa
Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.
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Relayer
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
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Quote:
I, personally, agree that he should not have the child in the bed with them for any reason. However, I feel it's improper even if the girlfriend wasn't there.
So it is improper, for either the mother or father, to allow the child to sleep in their bed, or does that just apply to fathers?
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GO CUBBIES!!!!
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gdave44
member
Reged: 11/04/06
Posts: 151
Loc: New Mexico
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I believe it improper for any adult to share a bed with a child. It's not about sexuality, it's about developing independent sleeping habits in the child.
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Relayer
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
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Quote:
I believe it improper for any adult to share a bed with a child. It's not about sexuality, it's about developing independent sleeping habits in the child.
QUOTE:I'd assume that he and his GF were just as appropriately dressed and behaved as the two of you were in the same situation.
You didn't mean it in a sexual context? Ok..whatever you say
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GO CUBBIES!!!!
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gdave44
member
Reged: 11/04/06
Posts: 151
Loc: New Mexico
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You're assuming a lot in my words. "I" believe it improper to share a bed with a child under almost all conditions. As in, how "I" live "MY" life. I also believe that adults can behave properly, as in dressed in appropriate bedclothes, when their children are present.
And your comment was focused on gender, not sexual content. If there were any sign of sexual misconduct, I'd also assume protective services would have already removed the children.
Neither gender is naturally superior at being a parent.
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Relayer
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
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Quote:
You're assuming a lot in my words. "I" believe it improper to share a bed with a child under almost all conditions. As in, how "I" live "MY" life. I also believe that adults can behave properly, as in dressed in appropriate bedclothes, when their children are present.
And your comment was focused on gender, not sexual content. If there were any sign of sexual misconduct, I'd also assume protective services would have already removed the children.
Neither gender is naturally superior at being a parent.
Just quoting you, thats all. DS must be on the blink or something.
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GO CUBBIES!!!!
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