mb1
recently joined
Reged: 08/11/08
Posts: 2
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I don't know what else to do. Here is my situation. My wife and I will be married for 10 yrs in a few months. Well about 4 months ago I was fed up with our fighting (mainly over little things) but our arguing had increased over time. I was the type of person who kept everything inside and she was the type of person who would yell. After keeping it to myself for so long, I would say more during our fights as time went on. I couldn't keep it inside anymore. Well at work I met a woman who I started talking to about my problems and how I was not appreciated for, in all the things I did for my wife. Well she told me about her problems and we talked more and more. Well one night I walked her to her car and she gave me a ride to mine and we ended up kissing. Well we talked and kissed after work for about 2 weeks (more talking than kissing). Meanwhile my wife and I seemed to drift apart (due to my guilt). One day my wife asked me if there was another woman. Being fed up with the fighting, I did not hide it anymore and told her yes and that I wanted a divorce. After we talked the following days she understood how she had changed and how she didn't appreciate the things I did and I realized that I should have just talked to her. We decided to go to counseling the following week. Well the next week she came home, because she found out that I had cheated on her 2 other times about 6 yrs ago. The first time I just kissed the girl, but the second time I slept with the girl twice. I was stupid and made the wrong decision. The first girl confessed to her and told her about everything. After coming clean and telling my wife all the details we continued counseling. All was going well I thought. The counseler said that we were doing great and didn't have to come back unless we felt we needed to. Well 2 days later my wife took a guys phone number (who she works with closely) and ended up texting him to give him her number. She told me that he offered it to her in case she needed to talk, but turned him down, because she only confided in girl friends, not guy friends, something that I should of done. Well I came to find out that she was calling him and texting him very often. I found out by checking her phone one night. She was hiding his number under a girls name (something that I did, thats were she got the idea). After confronting her, she admitted to talking to him, but only as friends. He cheated on his wife and he wished that his wife would have given him another chance, so he told her to give me another one. Well, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and believed her. After asking her if she was still talking to him, she would say no. I was worried, so I would wake up in the middle of the night to feed our baby (we have 2 boys 1 will be 4 at the end of this year and a 9 month old) and then I would check her phone. She lied to me about talking and texting him and this happened a few more times, but she said that they were only friends, someone to talk to. Well one day I told her that it was him or me. She would have to stop texting him and talking to him outside of work. She said that she would. Well we took a week of vacation (that was already planned) and I ended up catching her again. I told her that if she needed to talk to him, she could (due to my guilt of what I did) but she would have to tell me. On a Sat night she admitted to me that she might have feelings for him. She said that she didn't know what she wanted. To make this long story a little shorter, she wanted me to leave so she could have some time to think, because she didn't know if this would work. I told that I didn't want to bc, I wanted to be here to fight for our marriage. The next week, she asked me to leave again. I decided to try it, hoping it might work. I moved in with my parents, who live next door. Well after I moved out she went out drinking with friends (him being one of them). I asked her how she was getting any thinking done, by partying and she said that she was just relaxing. After worrying all night, I told her the next day that she had 5 days to decide what she wanted. I couldn't take the pain of not knowing what she was doing and who she was with. We would text each other throughtout those days and I would tell her how I felt, but I never got anything from her. Well the day before I went to talk to her and asked what she was thinking. After some time she finally admitted that she was not in love with me anymore. I asked if that was what she wanted and she said that she didn't know. I asked her if she needed more time and she said yes. I told her that she could have plenty of time if she could stop talking and texting the other guy. I asked her if she could do that and she said she didn't know. I told her that she until Wed afternoon when I got home from work. She decided that she didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. She said that counseling didn't help and it was just a time for us to get away and spend time together. I think she is so hurt from my cheating (the one I slept with works with her and she see's her often) that she can't forgive or forget that. I love her more than anything and want to save our marriage, but I don't know what else to do. I was starting to accept a divorce, but she has been nice to me the last 2 days. Last night I was looking online for divorce info and came across some books that say they will save your marriage and came close to buying one. I don't know if I have a shot, bc of what I have done. She is still talking to him, but he really might just be a friend and she is confused. Should I just give up or should I try them? I have been on such an emotional roller coaster. Yesterday was the first day that I didn't cry over her. I am sorry that this is so long, but I truly love my wife. We have been together for 13 years. I know I shouldn't have cheated, but I can't turn back time. Please help and give me some suggestions. Thanks.
mb1
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finz
Carpal \'Tunnel
Reged: 06/17/08
Posts: 6462
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I wish you luck, but your past actions may have really sealed the deal on your marriage. Your wife might not be able to get past the fact that you strayed 3 times (even if it only went as far as sex with one of the other women). That just doesn't jibe with "truely loving" your spouse.
Obviously, she is really struggling with her decision. Maybe, if you give her time, she will realize that the "other guy" can't fix her life and she will be ready to try to work it out with you.
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Doxiecake
recently joined
Reged: 08/18/08
Posts: 1
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I am the wife in your situation. My husband did some "inappropriate behavior" although I do not know if he actually cheated.
I need to be able to trust him again. We have been together for 33 years and married for 27 years. He sees things as there's nothing he can do to change the past. That's true, but the problem is he thinks of it as the past, I'm worried that it's the possible future. I need to be able to trust him. I don't know how, but somehow he needs to make me feel cherished and valued. I know I'm loved, but sometimes after this long I wonder what that means.
You still have youngs kids. Mine are grown. You both just want to be a happy family. That's the confusion.
You still have a chance. When you talk, tell her how you feel about her without defending yourself or blaming her for something. Its the chicken or the egg thing. Let her know you cherish and value her thoughts and opinions. She will let you know back in many more ways, if you pay attention.
At least you have a shot. My hubby either can't or won't express his feelings for me. He can't discuss what happened probably due to his guilt but I'm scared that its our future. He has never once said he was sorry or said it won't happend again.
You have a chance. We're in deep doo-doo
Good Luck
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mb1
recently joined
Reged: 08/11/08
Posts: 2
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Doxiecake, thanks for your opinion, but my marriage is over. I don't blame her, but she is not in love with me anymore and I have tried everything. I would love to have another chance and I would definitly be the best husband in the world, but I don't see that happening. We are being nice to each other for the kids. Today, she asked if I wanted to go get pizza with her and our oldest son. We drove together, just like old times and she was talking like nothing has happened. I couldn't do the same. I am so hurt that we can never be together again. I should have declined the offer, but did it for my son. I don't know if we should do this, because I don't my son (who will be 4 in Dec) to think that we will get back together. He asked if I was staying home this time. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to stay away, but part of me wants to do it for our son. She wants to do it so he doesn't think that we hate each other. What now?
Thanks,
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yregna
veteran
Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
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" Staying " for the kids is stupid and will only cost you more and more money. Get out now !
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..."
"Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"
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confused72
recently joined
Reged: 08/20/06
Posts: 5
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I understand you fully because my situation is very similar. I've posted about 2 years ago trying to save my marriage and once again the in-laws are far more importanat than me and the kids. Just take your time and pray on things. They may say that they will change but gradually it will be raight back to the same old same old. Just take your time because God knows that I am because when I walk away finally I will only have one child to worry about.
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ksday
recently joined
Reged: 09/15/08
Posts: 8
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Remain friends for your childrens sake. They need to see appropriate behavior.
My husband found another women to confide in as well. They both discussed their marital problems while I was left feeling uncomfortable with the relationship they had and wondering what was truly going on.
I do not think it was smart for either of you to start the relationships you started. I suppose you see that now. I am sorry this must sound aweful. I think this forum is starting to get to me. I am getting really freaked out by how similar everything is to my story. I need to go to bed...goodnight :*(
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