bobbih
recently joined
Reged: 11/22/04
Posts: 8
Loc: florida
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I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 10 YEARS. I HAVE TWO CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN AND I WANT A DIVORCE. I WILL TRY TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT. ABOUT THREE YEARS AGO I FOUND OUT HE HAD AN AFFAIR. I THOUGHT I COULD FORGIVE AND FORGET, OR AT LEAST MOVE ON. BUT I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT NOT ONLY CAN YOU NOT FORGET BUT I CAN'T EVEN SEEM TO FORGIVE. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS TO HIM OR TO MY CHILDREN. WE HAVE DISCUSSED IN THE PAST WHAT WE WOULD DO IF WE EVER SEPERATED, AND HE HAS RECENTLY TOLD ME THAT HE WOULD NOT BE WILLING TO GIVE ME A DIVORCE. MY DAUGHTER IS 10 YEARS OLD AND VERY CLOSE TO HER FATHER, MY SON IS ONLY 2 AND ALSO VERY CLOSE TO HIM. HE IS A PRETTY GOOD DAD, BUT A LOUSY HUSBAND. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO BUT I AM TIRED OF BEING MISERABLE SO THAT EVERYBODY ELSE CAN BE HAPPY. SHOULD I HAVE TO SACRIFICE MY HAPPINESS FOR THE KIDS SAKE? I SIMPLY DO NOT LOVE HIM ANYMORE AND CAN'T GET PAST THE THINGS HE HAS PUT ME THROUGH. BUT I AM WILLING TO DO ANYTHING FOR MY KIDS TO BE HAPPY. MAYBE SOMEBODY OUT THERE HAS BEEN THROUGH A SIMILAR SITUATION AND CAN HELP. I WILL TAKE ANY ADVICE ANYONE HAS. THANK YOU
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DAZEDANDCONFUSED
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Onyx
old hand
Reged: 08/03/04
Posts: 816
Loc: Buffalo NY
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Well, there are 2 things you can do.... get into counseling first though. One of the 2 things, is marriage counseling. The second thing is to go through with the divorce, and make yourself happy. How can you be a good Mom if you are this miserable? I went through my husband having an affair. He got caught, and I made him leave so I could clear my head. I have zero tolerance for infidelity, and zero tolerance for physical abuse. He told me that he thought he made a mistake.... 2 weeks after he left. Where am I now? Happy, and Mothering my kids. It was tough for the first few months, I cried... and cried, and cried. You know the drill, the hurt of being betrayed.. except that you stayed in the marriage. I can sense that you are now cold about it, but not quite over it yet.... you may benefit from asking him to leave for a few days... to see how you both feel. Really try to talk to him. See, I have always said, the cheater has all peices of the puzzle. The person who was cheated on has only bits and peices... not a complete picture. This is where there are problems when the couple stays together. He knows all of the details, you dont, and it leaves you with an uneasy feeling, jealousy, and worry. Have you been to counseling yet? Some counselors are of the mind set that the person cheated on need the complete picture before they can heal properly. Where are you with all of this? Awaiting your reply... Blessings, Onyx
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"Don't Make Me Get My Flying Monkeys"
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bobbih
recently joined
Reged: 11/22/04
Posts: 8
Loc: florida
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WELL LET ME START BY SAYING THANK YOU. NO, THERE HAS NOT BEEN ANY COUNSELING. HE WILL NOT HEAR OF IT. HE IS THE STUBBORN OLD FASHIONED TYPE THAT THINKS WE CAN GET THROUGH IT OURSELVES. YOU ARE RIGHT, I HAVE GROWN COLD TO IT. I SIMPLY FEEL LIKE I AM BEYOND GETTING OVER IT. I JUST WANT OUT AT THIS POINT, BUT I DON'T WANT TO HURT MY KIDS IN THE PROCESS.I AM AFRAID THEY WILL GROW TO RESENT ME BECAUSE OF IT ALL. BUT I KNOW I CAN'T TELL THEM WHAT HE DID TO MAKE ME WANT TO LEAVE. SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL THEM? ESPECIALLY MY OLDEST. SHE IS 10 AND WILL WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. MY BABY IS ONLY 2 AND WON'T REALLY ASK ANY QUESTIONS UNTIL HE IS OLDER. I AM SO CONFUSED I JUST WISH I COULD SNAP MY FINGERS AND MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY. THANKS FOR YOUR INPUT.
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DAZEDANDCONFUSED
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Gryph
member
Reged: 10/12/04
Posts: 118
Loc: Minnesota
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You need to get some counseling for you, Bobbi. Someone who can talk to you about what you are going through and about how to help your children. Your 10-year-old will probably also benefit from some counseling. You can never make another person do something, not and have that something mean anything, you have to take care of you.
Keep us informed.
Love and Peace
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bobbih
recently joined
Reged: 11/22/04
Posts: 8
Loc: florida
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I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL THE INFO. I THINK I WILL LOOK INTO GETTING SOME COUNSELING, AT LEAST FOR ME AND MY OLDEST. I KNOW SHE IS REALLY GOING TO NEED SOME HELP GETTING THROUGH THIS. I JUST HOPE SHE DOESN'T HATE ME FOR LEAVING. I KNOW IT WILL BE HARD FOR ME TO ADJUST, I HAVE BEEN MARRIED SINCE I WAS 17 AND NEVER REALLY HAD TO DO IT ALL ON MY OWN. HOPEFULLY EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT FOR THE BEST. THANKS AGAIN FOR THE ADVICE. I WILL KEEP IN TOUCH.
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DAZEDANDCONFUSED
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Grace
addict
Reged: 08/19/04
Posts: 404
Loc: KY
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Bobbih. . .
As Onyx said, how can you be a good mom when you're miserable?
When I decided to end the marriage, it was the hardest decision I had ever made. I worried about our son, so much so that I even went back for 9 months after the divorce was final.
But, one day, after me and my ex were really over, me and my little guy were driving in the car and he told me this. . . "mommy, I really like it now that you don't cry all the time."
After that, I knew I had done the right thing. I became a better mom and much more fun to be with after everything was over. Our son saw a real change for the better.
Your daughter may be hurt, mad and confused at first. . . but I would imagine that she will see some pretty amazing changes in her mom. If the air at home is pretty tainted, I would bet your 2 year old will notice a difference too.
As the others have said, you need some help getting through the aftermath of an affair. If not, a new relationship will prove to be quite nerve-wracking. Even after some lengthy therapy, I still find myself doubting my new husband based on the ex-husband. . . but at least I realize when I'm doing it and can correct it.
And you & your daugher will need help coping with a divorce. Even when you know you want it to end, it just isn't so cut and dried. Guilt will get the best of you if you don't keep a clear mind, even if it's imagined guilt.
Good luck to you and yours.
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Dyslexic agnostics don't believe in Dog.
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aussie928
old hand
Reged: 10/29/04
Posts: 969
Loc: Dallas
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I have to agree with the other posters. You say you will do anything to make yuor children happy. You are not making them happy now, wee ones are often smarter then adults and they know you are not happy. If you go to counciling and this helps, that is great. If it doesnt, do you want your children growing up to believe this is what marriage is all about? I dont think so luv. I dont know what state you are in but in most he cant refuse to give you a divorce, as most are no fault states and he should have thought about this before he dropped his underdaks for a sheila not his wife. May I just make one suggestion? You say he is a good father, then regardless of the hurt and betrayal you feel, allow him to continue to be this as best you can under divorce circumstances Good luck to you.
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Diane67
enthusiast
Reged: 08/14/04
Posts: 341
Loc: California
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It's amazing how much your children pick up on - without you even realizing it. My kids, especially my son, have just done amazing this past quarter at school. Their grades were always pretty good - but my DS grades went to pot last year before my stbx moved out. Now that he's gone - the smiles are back - the grades have gone from a 1.5 to a 2.86 GPA. I didn't see how much the stress was really affecting them. His moving out was the best thing we could have done for them.
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bobbih
recently joined
Reged: 11/22/04
Posts: 8
Loc: florida
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I HAVE TO AGREE, IT REALLY IS AMAZING WHAT KIDS KNOW WITHOUT EVER BEING TOLD. MY OLDEST ASKED ME THANKSGIVING DAY IF I WAS GOING TO MOVE OUT. I TOLD HER NOT TO WORRY, I WOULD NOT GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT HER AND HER BROTHER. THEN SHE ASKED ME IF SHE WOULD STILL SEE HER DADDY AND I TOLD HER OF COURSE SHE WOULD, AS OFTEN AS SHE WANTED TO. THEN SHE ASKED ME IF I WOULD WAIT UNTIL AFTER HER BIRTHDAY TO MOVE OUT BECAUSE SHE WANTED US ALL TO BE TOGETHER THROUGH CHRISTMAS AND BOTH OF THE KIDS BIRTHDAYS(BOTH ARE IN JANUARY). SO HERE IS MY QUESTION, WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT? WILL DOING THAT FOR HER GIVE HER FALSE HOPE OR DO YOU THINK IT WILL GIVE HER TIME TO FACE WHAT'S COMING? I AM CONFLICTED. ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREAT. THANKS ALOT!!
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DAZEDANDCONFUSED
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aussie928
old hand
Reged: 10/29/04
Posts: 969
Loc: Dallas
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I can only give you my opinion luv. So here goes. Personally I would stay for the holidays and their birthdays. The reason being is that they are so near and this gives them time to settle into a routine before the next holidays. If you plan on moving out..be honest with them. Your life isnt the only one that will be changing. If you are honest this will not give them false hope..but you must understand something luv..some wee ones.. not all...will always hold out hope that mum and dad will get back together even years later. The key here is for them to see how much happier the two of you are apart then together but how this doesnt change the love both of you have for them. Just saying
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